Follow
Share

It's sad for me to admit this, but, no one in the family is any good with finances. I'm not that good, but I'm "it" because everyone else is so much worse. My son might get to that point someday, but hubby is a zero at math or business skills (we are still working on what was once about 35k in debt to prove it) and daughter would blow anything she could get her hands on on cigarrettes and junk. And medical decisions - well, maybe daughter would do well, but again hubby is a zero with regards to anything medical and would just do whatever the last person he talked to advised, does a really bad job of risk-benefit evaluation or even reporting symptoms accurately, and my son just does not get what my values might be or how they might differ from his. Where else would you turn?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Dear vstefans & LadeeC,
It breaks my heart to read your family dynamics - but I'm in the same boat. Guess what - we're 3 for 3.
And, I recently heard a Death & Dying discussion on the local Senior Center Without Walls, where a woman talked about her having broken her femur, spent time in a rehab clinic before homecare - and thru it all realized her daughter "did & said everything wrong - so didn't want her daughter doing anymore caregiving". Ha. There's more of this going on than meets the eye.

America is said to be a caring/compassionate nation - but I think people have gotten too selfish, and "lost it".

Maybe the 3 of us should look after each other.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I'm in the same situation. I am right now having my estate worked over, working on adjustments for it with an attorney. I lost my husband last year, and realized you never know what might happen, and that would leave our property in the hands of a 20 year old daughter and an older daughter who has had several surgeries and who's health is not good. Older daughter is married, son in law is awesome, but I do not feel they would be fair to our younger daughter. I'm drawing up papers that my daughters and son in law are to sell my home, the proceeds will be handled by the attorney who will put the funds in a trust for my youngest, and my oldest will receive an equal share in payment, there's several years between my kids. But POA, still don't know what to do. Son in law gets in trouble all the time for not paying his own bills, oldest daughter has never had the responsibility because she lets her husband do it. Youngest daughter is actually more responsible, and steps up to do what's right than the oldest, but she's only 20. I'll probably make oldest POA, and change it to the youngest in five years or so. Hard stuff to deal with, hate to say it, but I'm glad I see here I'm not alone. Since the loss of my husband, and realizing I could not rely on what's left of my family to really handle things, it's kind of scary, when you think about yourself laying in a hospital bed and they have to make decisions.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I am without family, I will get my lawyer to handle my finances, etc per my directives. He can get a cut of the money when all is said and done and the rest goes to the Animal Foundation after they scatter my ashes, hopefully not over Hoboken, no offense to any from Hoboken.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Are you talking about your medical POA or a financial POA, as they are not the same thing? You can work with a lawyer to create an advance directive with your instructions about medical care in the event you are unable to make those decisions. You can even name your lawyer to carry it out if you have NO family or friends you trust. As for a financial POA, there is really no need to do that unless you are unable to handle your finances yourself. If you're talking about an executor, since you mention that most of the people in your life are not good with money, again, you can name your lawyer if you don't trust your family members or a friend. The lawyer would have a legal/ethical responsibility as your fiduciary to handle your estate in a responsible manner. If you have enough money to really be concerned about, you can also set up a trust and have a lawyer or a bank administer it.

After my mother-in-law died and we saw how my husband's sibs wanted to handle things during her final illness, we went to our attorney and had very specific advance directives drawn up. Our doctors all have copies, as does the local hospital. We also had very specific wills created, with separate lists of bequests which are stored with the wills. We did not want to leave anything to chance, after seeing how some family members swoop in like vultures to scoop up anything of value.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Well .. geez. Good question. Now that I think of it, I'm in the same boat. My dad is too old, and I don't trust any of my siblings to honor MY wishes. With a fair amount of intent I've isolated away from anyone I called friend (the one I might have, has passed).

And then, there's the idea that having a POA or being an Administrator of an estate/will is no walk in the park ... even for relatively healthy people.

In my case, I have no estate, there's nothing to distribute (more like donate to some worthy cause). Maybe it's best if I simply draw up a will (or whatever is correct) to specify my wishes and let the state take over. If I'm not capable of making a decision, I really don't care. Hahahah .. maybe I'll run an ad in Craig's List and see if anyone is crazy enough to volunteer.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You would have to seek out a lawyer and get your will and wishes done, have it all documented. Since my husband's passing it really opened up my eyes to things that do take place, such as fights, famiy division, the takers and the givers. My sister who passed away 4 months before my husband last year had the same issues, so we went and had 2 POA'S drawn up. I was her POA for her health and her best friend was POA for her estate. But in her case when she was in the last phase her children did a whole lot of growing up. I was very proud of them, they handled things alot better then we both thought. My husband did not have a will which made a mess of everything. The will is what treads water, the POA'S stop at the time of death. Hope this helps but of coarse a lawyer can advise you better.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

There is no requirement that you name a family member. You may also turn to trusted friends, your faith community, or an elder law attorney. The important thing is to find someone who knows and respects your wishes, who is close enough to advocate for you, and who is willing to do so. There is an excellent website, compassionandsupport. That offers advice on choosing the best spokesperson for you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I am a skilled nurse who works for Senior Nursing Care Services in Michigan. We have patients in your position. Depending on income, you may qualify for Services through Child and Family Services. Around here, they work with various companies such as West Michigan Guardianship. These folks can take over and manage finances, POA services. Also contact your local Area Agency on Aging.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Got to add about my Mom. In all fairness too, to our family members. When I was 39 my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, after treatment it spread to her brain. No one in our family had ever had to deal with anything like that at that point. Most everyone, I hate to say, scattered like scared mice, even my Dad wouldn't help, he made sure he had lots of work to do, brother denied she was even sick, oldest daughter did help, she took care of my youngest while I helped my Mom. I'd never dealt with caregiving until then, I took her to chemo appointments and sat with her through them, radiation appointments, I bought her clothes to wear, cleaned her house, cooked her meals, did grocery shopping, and when she was hospitalized I was there night and day. I made her funeral arrangements, my husband had to take my Dad to get them a cemetery plot because Dad hadn't even thought of that. I learned a lot, but I was not able to be a part of her medical decisions. She had good treatment, I know that now after everything else I've learned. I caregiving, in a perfect world, it would be nice if we all had someone we knew could do it all, but truth is, you really don't know for sure until it happens. Honestly my parents never would have thought I'd be the one to step up, they figured it would be my brother since they honestly favored him, but he ran with his tail between legs and basically never came back except when he needs money from Dad.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

@N1K2R3-Seriously? You're going to just blow off your credit card debt? Anyway, it doesn't work like that. Your debts get paid out of your assets FIRST, before anyone else, including your beneficiaries. Just ignoring the notices doesn't make the debt go away.
--
@vstefans - Look into appointing a trust company as your PoA, perhaps as co-PoA. There are trust companies that specialize in exactly this for exactly this reason. They can keep an eye on finances and limit the damage your family can do. But you must discuss this in-depth with your lawyer, to make sure everything is written up to reflect your wishes.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter