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The news she needs help did not bode well for either of us - more like blindsided, but I understand dr had to deliver news. I'm only sibling. Suspected dementia. Advice please on how to approach her for that info? I suspect she won't offer it and likely be upset and cut off communication - need to keep those lines open! Just discovered home in unbelievable disarray, can't manage medication correctly, etc., and won't take kindly to thought of having to move or me rummaging in her affairs. She's mentioned moving several times - we agreed, but she took no action - I now realize she cannot fathom a decision like that, values her independence (I get that). Attorney said a trust is in place but need to determine her financial situation FIRST before I/he can see what is available for care. I borrowed excellent book - The 36 hour day. What an eye opener! As you might guess - she doesn't think there is a problem. MRI has been scheduled.

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It took probably a good two years before we were able to convince my FIL he needed help (he was dx 6 years ago). We never (and still don’t) use the “D” word with him. We call it “confusion” or “forgetfulness”

He fought us over a POA, but we took him for his periodic meeting with his financial advisor who brought it up and he was all onboard, and they wrote it up right there that day. That was a godsend for us. Maybe there is someone your sister trusts that she will listen to like that?
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A lot will depend on your Sister's insight & temperament. What language you use & being able to stay on her side (in her view) not trying to take over (in her view).

My sister was told by her Doctor she needs supervised living. She has no POA. She has refused my suggestions to talk to her Doctor 'to get an emergency plan'. IE start discussions on her wishes, POA etc. I talked to her Doctor as best I could (with no MedPOA). Doctor said Sister lacks insight. To do nothing to prop up her living (enabling) if she cannot manage. Don't even buy her milk was what she said! Tell Sister if she has any problems to go to her Doctor. They have Social Worker service to help her, Psychcologist to support her, contacts to arrange emergency Guardianship if required.

My Sister's wishes are to live at home for as long as she can. I got that message loud & clear. So she will. Until she can't. Then, due to her inability to plan, either she makes a POA if legally able to or 'the system' will take over.

If you tread lightly & have luck on your side, hopefully you may turn the wheels in the direction you need to & keep your relationship good.
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Riverdale Feb 2021
My stepmother lost her bachelor brother just before Christmas. They were always together since my father died 11 years ago. He did not make her POA despite her having nursed him back to health 2 years ago and taking him in then instead of going to a rehab facility. Now everything is in probate and just to stop his internet was incredibly difficult. This situation sounds similar but it sounds as this sister is beyond understanding the need for trust. My stepmother is in CA and that state stipulates how much the state is owed according to all assets which in this case are not large but over the limit due to the ownership of a condominium. I don't see alot of hope here but perhaps I will be proven wrong.
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I'm so sorry for this development. Do you have PoA for your sister? If not and her doctor has already given her a diagnosis of cognitive impairment, you may need to pursue guardianship to take over her affairs.

If you are her financial PoA it may be more expedient to have a family member or friend to take your sister out of the house for "errands" or a walk or a drive while you look for what you need. You may want to consider a geriatric advisor to help guide you and maybe be a neutral voice your sister may be comfortable with. I wish you much success in helping your sister and peace in your heart.
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JLyn69 Feb 2021
it's "suspected dementia vs amnestic mild cognitive impairment" (MCI) after they did testing. I wasn't there for test but went with her for the results - pretty well rock bottom some areas & high marks/more normal on other areas. Really sad to see this talented gal like this - never in a million years would I have suspected it......but mom and I are now looking back and realizing this may have been coming on slowly. Love my sister but seldom able to get together with her - generally meeting at mom's house 2-3 times a year...that's why I had no idea about condition of sis' house. I am praying it's the MCI! Dr said she denied any functional changes (apparently sis' opinion) thus they can't make that diagnoses formally. If no functional change, then they will call it MCI. MRI next week. By sleuthing I figured out the attorney's name, talked to him and he said I am her medical POA and on HIPPA - sent me copies. Only other relative is our mid-90's mom - sharp as a tack but mobility issues, so really no way for someone else to get her out while I rummage. And with Covid restrictions, no one is going anywhere - not even able to attend church services in some areas. I have talked with a geriatric advisor type you mentioned - very nice, and also highly recommended by another close friend (unfortunately lives out of state or I'd ask her to take the drive. Have had a few discussions with the attorney; I've sent him the test results and I'm documenting everything I've done but fearful of running up a bill - "who's supposed to pay that!" so being frugal with his time best I can. The attorney said her Trust was set up some years ago and is to take over her finances when necessary....but I have to get my hands on the $ info first. He also does elder care work so that was good to know. Once finance situation is known, they we can figure out what she can afford in the way of help at home, or moving if necessary, etc. I don't have financial POA - presumably that is part of the Trust that would handle her finances. Not the end of the world compared to what some have to deal with, Praying to keep communication lines open next week when I take her for the MRI - cautious that she might be upset if I poke my nose in her business, but just might have to flat out ask her. Therapeutic fibbing is apparently something that is useful, but with her, might be best to be upfront and honest....and hope for the best.
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It is likely she will not allow you to have POA but hopefully this lawyer is good and the trust situation is solvent. I would call this lawyer and indicate you care and are concerned but need some information moving forward. Of course relay what medical advice regarding your sister has been given to you. I would just hope that if you explain you seem to be the only relative in the picture you would not be shut out. Otherwise there is nothing you can do and that is not likely to be in her best interests.

I have a situation with my mother and a late friend. My mother is mentioned in the will along with countless others. This is not a large estate but a very unrealistic one made more complicated by all those mentioned who are gradually dying as this has taken so much time. The little family there was were all alienated from this friend. I sent my POA documents as I have them. I doubt I may see anything for my mother but I stay in touch as she could not mentally take this on. I speak very politely every few months I reach out to the lawyer handling the will. He has seem to grow warmer to me for whatever that is worth. I hope you can tell both medical and legal representation that you want to help but need information in order to be involved.
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