Why is my dying mom so needy? At times it feels manipulative.

I read your profile comments, and you said your mother is suffering from depression. Is that part of depression or do you think it's her physical problem with her lungs that's making her so agitated and needy? And also, don't you think your brother really does know that his mother is dying, but just doesn't want to believe it? My mother-in-law was in total denial when my father-in-law was sick, and she truly believed he was going to go back home again when he got better. Now THAT was denial, and to tell her anything else during that time, just sent her off the edge. So I think there's the denial like her, then there's the 'sticking the head in the sand' denial.

Sometimes patients can be very cunning to say the least. My 96 yr old (in good health) is in a "feel sorry for me" mode all but half the time. I just kid him until he laughs it off. He's Jewish and if I call him a schmuck...he cracks up. There is always a funny bone underneath the act. Try your best to find it. If not, then be stern but loving and tell them you cannot deal with the helplessness because you are not a trained nurse and so maybe they'll have to be put into Hospice full time. (and since you love them so much it would devastate you)
One or both of these scenarios should be effective in stopping the games. Good Luck and Blessings to all!

My first thought, given that your mother was not like this her whole life, is that she is deeply afraid of the dying process, and her fear is not being alleviated because she is unwilling or unable to talk about the thing that is foremost on her mind. Can she still read? There are some wonderful books that tackle the subject indirectly, which might give her some ease and open the door to conversation.
Many Lives, Many Masters (Brian Weiss) is a psychiatrist's story of a patient who began spontaneously remembering past lives while doing (non hypnotic) trauma work, and how that experienced completely changed the way he thought about both mental health, and life and death.
The Wheel of LIfe (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) is the biography of EKR, the foremost expert on death and dying in this country, if not the world. She is the person who first talked about the Stages of Death, and Stages of Grief. Her biography, though, is funny, fascinating, and completely reassuring, as her decades of working with the dying left her with a complete sense of peace about the process, and what happens to us after. It is not specific to a religious frame, but fits with most belief systems fairly well.
Who Dies (Steven Levine) is an exploration of who/what is the part of us that inhabits the physical body, and what is the evidence for the continuation of life, in some form, after death. Levine worked with Elizabeth Kubler Ross for decades, and there is some overlap in their philosophies and experiences. Levine is incredibly comforting also, for his ability to convincingly lay out an argument that physical death does not mean the end of "us", only a transformation.
Even if your mother is not willing or able to read these books, you might wish to pick them up for yourself. All three are fascinating reading, and all would offer you a frame for working with and sending compassion to mom.

We're all needy at some time or another in life, no matter how old we are or what we're going through, my mother is 88 and has dementia. Be grateful for every day you have with your mother. Mother's deserve our utmost respect no matter what the circumstances! Reverting back to child like behaviors is a normal aging process for most elders. Actually, on a positive note, it should help us understand what our precious mothers/dads went through raising us (-: Have you stopped to think that just maybe she keeps asking for things because she is afraid to be/die alone? Be loving and patient with your sweet mother, we only have one...Thank God for mothers! Is there anyone in you family/friend circle who could take turns caring for your mom so you & your brother can get a break? If she is dying she needs someone with her 24/7 to help comfort and ease her through the most horrible ordeal anyone must face in life. I have often laid down next to my mom, just to hold her and tell her how much I love her...simple things mean a lot and go a long way...Good luck & God Bless you all.

My husband is paralyzed and dependent on others for almost everything. However, I have been through the second by second requests: "move the blanket, move it back" etc. The doctors have treated that as anxiety and given medication for it, which has helped. I dont' know if that is an answer for you or not, but maybe there is some medical intervention which will give you both some relief.

Your question answers itself: she's dying. Fear, sorrow, so amny things have her just trying to stay connected to you and to life. Hospice teams usually include religious conseling. Your mom may not be ready to talk about death, but it would be a good idea to have them in often for just a casual chat; a priest/rabbi might be able to gently direct the conversation into areas that will help her cope and allow her to relax her grip on you.
Even if not, do you best to be patient. Remind yourself daily that she won't be here much longer (however long it is).

Hospice should have answers and suggestions for you. It (dying) is a subject we do not discuss enough, sometimes at all. The closeness of being next to the dying person, holding them, stroking them etc is often a wonderful thing to do. Hospice reminds us that speaking lovingly is soothing. Unfortunately, sometimes requests are all the patient can think of; try initiating another conversation about fond memories. Praying aloud helps some, music can fill silence. Our thoughts are with you.

I agree with olivia and bandit8it, your mom is probably afraid of 1. leaving you and your family and 2. afraid of dieing. No one actually knows what its like to die because we have not done that ourselves or if we have we do not remember if we go to another life. My mom is also dieing but she has many problems and god bless her she is fighting to try to do things for herself. She can not see, hear or walk. She is totally dependent on me or someone else. We also have hospice. She has parkinsons and shakes so badly that she can not feed herself or drink on her own. She has alzhiemers and at times she has no idea who I am, so I treasure everyday that I have with her. She keeps me up nights sometimes 4 to 5 nights iin a row when the moon is coming in to the full cycle. She is scared and yells to me and she doesn't want anyone else. I'm the only child so when she is gone I'm alone. My dad passed with severe cancer in 87, and he wanted me to do everything for him and I was teaching during the day and would go to the hospital as soon as I left the school. Please just bear in mind that this is not for long and treasure the sane moments she has . I know it's hard because I'm going threw it also just as the others have here on the board.

I am sorry about what your mom and you are going through. Having energy issues is a part of terminal illness that will become more pronounced as your mom gets closer to actively dying. She will not necessarily have the same transition as your father did. It may seem manipulative at times, but it probably isn't. Some times energy is there one minute and gone the next. Also from a spiritual point, it could be that one moment she is fighting to keep her independence but the next letting go of this physical world - sort of a tug-of-war. She may not be ready to talk openly about dying right now. She may at some point but then again she may not ever openly discuss it. She is probably giving subtle messages, though. You can tell her how you feel about her leaving and how much you will miss her even if she does not want to talk.

You are grieving just like your brother is. Just as your mom will not follow the same course as your dad (I know you already now this and are just expressing your frustration), your course of grief and your brother's is not going to be the same. Your brother will work it all out for himself in his own way and time. You need to take care of yourself and acknowledge what you are feeling so you can continue taking care of your mom.

Much peace and comfort.

I don't think your mother is trying to upset you by her constant requests. She probably is feeling insecure able the future. She probably needs to have family with her. I found my dad would have lots of requests but if I handled the requests and just sat near him as I folded laundry or did other chores the demands tended to decrease. I think your presence will reassure her, if she is left alone in bed or in a livingroom chair, the needy behaviors may reappear.

These will be difficult days but they can be days of joy as well. Your mother's days will be limited and you can strengthen the bond you have had.
Take care what you are experiencing is normal.

Elizabeth

I would guess she is scared and doesn't want to admit it.

I can make the same observation about my mother. I think hers is related to untreated depression--she's on a low dose of Lexapro, but was told it was to help reduce anxiety and thus, hopefully decrease the need to smoke, which didn't work. I don't know if my mother is "dying" but she does have COPD, a host of other complaints and is oxygen-dependent. It is easy for ill parents to manipulate, or seem to. Set your boundaries. What I have learned about chronically-ill people of all ages is that their lives are consumed with the minutia of their care. People who are healthy seem to have more control or power, and they tend to want them to do everything. Setting time limits on performing actvities will help you feel as if you're in control of your life. I have done that with my mother, and the manipulated feeling has dissipated greatly. I still have too much to do, but progress has been made.

I would say that she is anxious and afraid. Does she have a Pastor or Priest that she could talk with? Most of the time Hospice has a chaplain... I know this is hard and I am sorry... Please take care.

Dear Fanyejane, Hello, I just read your question, and I had the same question about two months ago, when my Mom got really really needy. She could'nt eat, and then I started feeding her and she began to eat. She would stay by herself at night, and would ask me or my neice several times before we left at night to check things we has checked over and over again. She would call first thing in the morning and ask us when we would be there, and if we did'nt get there in time, she would do what she needed done before we got there. I was so frustrated, I did not understand why she would ask for something, she could do herself. It was 'nt until she passed on September 13, 2012, then I realized that she was just lonely, and wanted us around her at all times, so she made do things she may or may not have been able to do for herself. Think of it this way, if you know you are dying, but don't know when, and you feel like you could leave her at any minute, would'nt you want someone with you? And her acting like a child, is true, when you are old, you go back to a childlike state, this is normal. My only suggestion to you, is that you charish the time you have with her, if there is something she needs by all means give it to her, because there will come a time when she will not be here to ask anything of you. So Love her, hug her, kiss her, and keep her close for as long as you can. I will be praying for you and your family for your continued strength.

I am so glad I have the honor and opportunity to answer your question. Let me tell you my story. My mother was always a selfish perfectionist. I loved her very much but in all the time I cared for her she never asked how I was doing although I have my own health challenges and no health insurance while she had all that Medicare provided. She never asked nicely for anything or said please or thank-you for anything I did. She demanded.

I am a beauty therapist and gave her beautiful permanent eyebrows yet she complained about them constantly and nagged me about re-doing them although I was understandably reluctant to do so, as nothing I did seemed to please her. She complained about my soups, always asked for things I did not purchase for meals I prepared for her and made me feel resentful and overworked with constant request for the one thing I did not provide or think of and as a result of he behavior I began to ignore her in ways I am ashamed of today.

She had a male friend and had invited him to dinner even though I had asked that she ask me first before doing so as she required me to help her not only getting dressed but also with the meal itself. This request she ignored. As I was plugging in my cellphone she also ignored my insistence that she not go into the kitchen and when to go mind a simmering pot and fell. She died in the hospital after a torturous 2 weeks where I tried to get her home with hospice but failed. I tell you this story because I strongly believe that as difficult as your mother is I do not want you to feel as I do which is REGRETFUL. Nothing can prepare you for your mother's death although you expect it and yes you will feel relieved because she's working you so hard but the predominant feeling you'll have is an end to the longest standing relationship of your life. The feeling I have now is that I was offered an opportunity and I turned my back on it. I feel I should have tried to enjoy her when I had her, steered her complaints to something more positive and understood; that when a person is dying they are grasping at what is left of LIFE, sometimes desperately so. I cannot be certain of what your mom feels but it may be she is just trying to soak you up. She's trying to BE WITH YOU EVERY SECOND..and most of all she is FRIGHTENED OF BEING ALONE WHEN SHE DIES...This is the the overwhelming feeling my mom's spirit has imparted to me. I have made peace with my past resentments and my mother's demanding nature. And now I wish God would grant me a "DO OVER". Unfortunately in life..there are NONE. Life, Love, Trials are for a REASON. There were always things to be healed and a reason your mom is still alive. Find it with patience and kindness, knowing that when you look back on your care you won't find fault with your dying mom so much as YOURSELF.

Great answer, CareLove! Helps to put things in perspective.

Care love thank you so much for being so on target.

Take care of them while you can. They will be gone one day. I neglected and treated my father with cruelty and neglect. I will carry this guilt to my grave. My father raised me alone, with no help. He was a poor immigrant tailor. My mother abandoned us. He was both a mother and father to me. I was his only child. He was 50 when I was born. I loved him dearly, until he just gave up, when I started to work and do for myself and make friends, go on trips and vacations, leaving him alone to fend for himself. He never asked for anything of me. I could not accept the end when he stayed in bed all day, didn't want to do anything. hated when I put the t.v. on, refused to have a phone, He would go into a rage when the
t.v. went on, He insisted I give up my job, stay home. I refused! He offered to pay me and I replied that I would not sit and look at the walls all day. The last day before he died - he offered me all his money he had saved all his life. He had been extremely miserly with me since childhood. I told him I had my OWN money. The next day he died alone while I was at work.

Thank you all for sharing. My is in the thores of dementia and routinely kills each of us off somehow every day. I am/was getting so frustrated I was ready to pack up and go home. She called my brother in Cali to contact my adult children to come and pick up my dead body out of the street. I am now grateful that I can walk into her home and present myself as living and bring on the next event. Thank you all for sharing; it makes a difference. Blessings.

I am not on this site anymore because my mom past away on September 11, 2012. I saw your post on an email. I don't want to throw guilt out to you at all. I promise. I was very bitter towards my mom before she past away. I loved her only because she was my mom and nothing more. Two weeks before she past away I found my mom again. The mom that I had always wanted. We talked and we laughed so much. She was so helpless and started to become confused. It was sweet confusion (if there is such a thing). Confusion like... she once told me that she must have changed my daughters outfit 5 times that day. (My daughter is 11 years old). Please, I would give anything to wait on my mom again. I would quit my job to have my mom here with me for one more week. Again please, I am not saying this to make you feel guilty for saying what you said because I know how hard it is to be a caregiver. It is so difficult and painful. However, I thought that maybe if I wrote to you, you may see her in a different light. She is dying and is most likely very scared. She is anxious. Talk to her. Go through photo albums and trust me....TAKE PHOTOS! You will cherish them so much in the future.

Take Care and Hugs!

Some terminally ill patience I've been known to revert back to childlike Behavior. 

Often cancer patients for example some colon cancer patients have complained of memory loss even forgetting thoughts in mid sentences. 

You also have to remember that when one is facing dealing with the fact of you are termally ill and may die; that their mind although amazing finds a way to deal with things that they may not be ready to deal with at the time.

This is called denial and its very normal and also part of what is called: the five stages of grief. 

Cancer hits each patient in different ways. Like some may have some symptoms pain for example.. 
While others may not. 

Where is no textbook way  for a terminally ill patient to behave  or to act or to feel  Etc and not all  experience the same physical symptoms. 

Things that you can do to help yourself and them are to remember 1st. When caring or assisting a terminally ill patient. you have to remember in order for them to be strong you need to be strong first. True that you set time aside for yourself to take care of your needs.

Try  setting a little time for yourself so that you can accomplish a small task or completed goal. or take part in 20 minute exercise like a brisk walk down the Street or even setting up or getting back involved with a small Hobby you can take a little time for yourself each day to do something pleasurable and take your mind off of things around you. You can meditate if you like just find a way to relax and unwind.

Next you can do things like;  setting up a small support group with family and friends. Where you can divide some of the tasks that need to be done that for the day for the patient. you can also include things that aren't task such as spending time reading a book with the person are doing a crossword puzzle together Etc. Find activities that are sociable and can meet some of the emotional needs that the terminally ill person is craving.

Also you can check with your  healthcare provider they often provide a home health care aide nurse to come in and help with the patient's needs rather it's fixing food, helping with medication or even rides to the doctor. 

A lot of people are not aware that their healthcare provider does provide this service. You can also check with cancer societies websites online to see what they provide as a service to you and your local area. 

Most of these service's free or free until you reach a certain I believe before or after your deductible and then they renew each year I believe.

 can you together with a therapist or doctor he can also find out about therapy dogs. or services that provide he stalks to come out and visit you there many volunteers who out there and will bring their dogs for a visit you can check with your healthcare provider doctor or local nursing home or maybe even a Humane Society they may have the number to facility or person who provides the services if not look online and get out and ask around

Churchs often have  services to provide for free  or with the small fee

Check on a faith-based counseling as well they can help you and the patient dealing with facing one's mortality a little easier. and should they want to charge  and get together a small Bible study group that's free  a lot of times and bible study you find strengthen your faith in God  and his words the support you need  with the people you're learning his word with

Vitamins are important as well and they do quite often affect your mood and can cause mood swings as well as keep your mind cloudy and you may find and you may find yourself in and you may find yourself I'm tired. A shot B12 this thing you may want to check into with your doctor or have him do lab work to see if your lacking any vitamins and your system. And in chronologist can do a better and more intense study what vitamins you are missing and is a specialist and knowing what you need you with some of these problems and often finds things that your family Physicians don't normally look for or may have missed and their standards are a little bit more stricter about what they consider as normal levels for someone who is ill or healthy.

Along with vitamins comes your diet and your diet does can improve someone's memory or their behavior. A lack of care in your diet will and can cause you many illnesses problems and emotional mood and energy levels as well as not getting enough sleep can also act fast and can cause hallucinations any other problems.

Also try finding little activities or hobbies for the patient or for yourself  all way to get outside even for 5 minutes. a lack of sun in Khan's jaundice period of lack of fresh air can cause many problems you be surprised how many emotional problems without getting out for only 5 minutes a day just to taking a breath of fresh air. It can also cause you to feel this overwhelming need to feel extra needy retention or do the opposite and make you just want to sleep in which case you have sleep problemslike app exercise can cause you muscle and bone loss as well as mental and emotional unhealthiness. If you find your having sleep problems it's important to make your doctor aware of this so that he can correct the situation whether you're getting too muchso that he can correct the situation whether you're getting too much sleep or not enough and can cause  Mini negative things too 
To happen such as hallucination if not enough sleep 

 or lack of sleep or too much sleep is something your doctor must know about no small matter it can affect your health and mental status in so many ways and the last thing apparently ill patient needs is to get worse and not better

 isolating yourself in a room will also constipation become extra needy so find a way to keep the Mind aactive

 there are apps online that you can find that are free in the Google Play Store that will help exercise your mind it will help with memory that's well. Try looking for little brain teasers it also keep you away from depression and that overwhelming needy feeling. it keeps patient busy and active and looking forward to doing something each day. Often games if you go to complete so playing a game with patient or allowing them to play one alone where they meet goals or look forward to reaching a goal is very positive way to deal with some of these issues as well as keeping the mine Act and the memory Sharp and sometimes socializing is available in some games like chest or checkers online excetera. 

 although simple game seems pointless . Believe it or not  it can keep you  from little things or big things such as Undue stress can cause anxiety which can trigger pain many times in cancer patients. brain teaser games to keep your mind active and to exercise your memory. 

whatever you decide to do  make sure you have a support system in place for yourself as well as the patient. And I can't stress it enough getting together with friends or family and you having someone come over to do something with the patient once a week can improve and I'm relieved some of the neediness Behavior. 

Remember your doctor doesn't know  if you're ill unless you say so.

And a lot of times terminally ill patients or cancer patients don't know to tell their doctors about these little things including feeling needy or referring back to childhood. Each cancer patient is different. they don't all go through the same thing. so if you notice something small or something big or something that is not usual for the person you're caring for you must tell your doctor many times as ridiculous as some of the problems are they can be solved with either of vitamin medication counseling a simple game or suggestions  made by other cancer patients who have already been through this believe it or not they do pass around your information to each other and they tell their nurses and doctors so they can tell the next person who goes through it.


 so if you see something say something otherwise they will assume you're fine or do what you're doing today ask online and see what you come up with. a lot of this stuff I know about because I have stage 4 colon cancer myself. 

and hopefully the information I put on here will hopefully help somebody else one day. For all those who say people are Faking It I can tell you from experience the last thing a terminally ill person wants to think about it's pending what time they have left trying to figure out another way to deceive another human being especially the people they love around them.

 I'm not saying people can't take thing I'm just saying it's counterproductive and highly unlikely. Most of us spend our time trying to figure out how to get better how to spend more time with her family and how not to be afraid. sorry if anything is misspelled I use voice text and sometimes it puts in the word it what many blessings to you all and I hope my answers helped you many others to come. In conclusion the main question about reverting back to childhood and the neediness in the memory loss which really sucks

 It's truly not fun when you have children and a family that love you and they tell you things that you don't remember or you try to communicate things to them and you forget the words. It's frustrating humiliating embarrassing sometimes makes you feel shameful sad and alone sometimes. so that extra hug when you can't remember things help. 

oh when you can't find the right words to tell someone you're cold and you need a blanket because you can't remember the word blanket and you want to cry. someone getting that blanket and putting it around I'm allowing you to cry I feel a little extra needy it helps!

 and the worst part of all of it if you feel like you're a burden on your family because you can't do especially if it comes to bathing.

 I know for a fact it happens and it's real and not an act 

if you really want to understand it look up your five stages of grief denial is a big part and you're very first emotion at least for me it was. 

Cheers everyone

My personal and made up quote is: 
 when you do for someone you love..  You "never-mind" the little things & many blessing come from above

Maria /2018