Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

My mothers narcissism caused me low self esteem, insecurity, becoming a people pleaser, codependent on men. BUT...now that my father is gone shes different and treats me like a human being. The things that she would say. Argh. Were you a daddy's girl? Often that alone will trigger plain nastiness.

I had codependent narcissistic parents. I grew up expecting nothing, settling for very little, debilitating low self esteem. I was never smart enough, pretty enough, this enough or that enough. I loved art and wanted to go to college to major in art. My teachers were very encouraging. Mom and Dad, no way. Not sending you to college. So, I told myself I might was well not study since I had no opportunities. So I didn't for a few years. No one notice even though I had been a straight A student.

I always felt unattractive. Dad used to call me "Mousey" when I would come to breakfast in the morning. Nice......I had alot of boyfriends and realize now I was very attractive. I only noticed the negative.

When I married I thought it was an asset to be cheap. That was what I knew. It almost ended my marriage. Today I am fortunate to be married to a good man, and I am able to retire early. But he is still too cheap and I accept never getting gifts or taking vacations. That was what I learned.I don't deserve it.

What I really see now at 60 is all of the anger. I was so angry at my Dad's funeral. Angry that he never even tried to have a relationship with me, angry about his verbal abuse, and sad I didn't love him.

Now I see Mom for who she is and that is hopeless too. i have educated myself enough to know with narcissists you can never have a real loving relationship. So I have distanced myself.

Yes, i would say narcissism has had far too much of an affect on my life. But I have cut ties and things are getting better.

It would be the rare individual who can say, my parent(s) were narcissist and it had no affect on me. You parents are the first people to tell you who you are. Then it is up to you to change that story.

You are so right about changing "that story".
My recent experience with my mother staying with me for 2 month visit has really opened my eyes. To bad I did not educate myself earlier in my life, that my mother was a narcissist to the core.I would have cut her out of my life when I got married at 23 and tried to heal. But being a daughter of a narcissist makes you come back and hope for the "normal" life.
Thank goodness I had a good man during my married life, he always protected me from her and he was a good listener. But I had remnants from the years of abuse prior to my marriage and when I think about it, my mother continued her abuse until now. Now she is old and worse.
I do know I always had this inner drive to do better and constantly wanting to look better, because no matter what I did, it was never good enough. Sort of "yes, that's nice.....BUT......" I finally figured it out last week. Narcissist don't know how to love. Period.
If you have a good support system and you think you are generally normal, get a grip of yourself and analyze yourself and know that you are ok, it's the narcissistic individual who is not normal, although they can pull it off real well with others who don't know them. They have two faces.

Hey everyone, keep the comments coming.

Good grief, yes, mother is a narcissist !! And yes I was daddy's little girl so I guess that's why I, and not my older sister, get the brunt of her manipulation and personal assaults. It was always that way as I was growing up. My sister could do no wrong. I , on the other hand , was a "problem child". It's taken me a long time to realize that I wasn't the problem. It was her. She still puts me down all the time, and she relies on the fact that I am a gentle soul and never want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm too empathetic for my own good. To this day, I look at other mother/daughter relationships (even on TV) and feel envious when I see a mother who hugs her daughter and calls them honey and things like that. It's kind of embarrassing to even admit that but it's the truth. What I wouldn't give to hear my mother call me honey....

My mother has several mental health diagnoses and one might of thought she was narcissistic in her younger years, but it took years of having her institutionalized until she was diagnosed properly. Her diagnosis is Bipolar ll, rapid cycling with a Histrionic Personality Disorder.
Generally, more men are diagnosed with Narcissism than women. There are no cures for any of the above mentioned diagnoses and can be passed on genetically. They have to seek psychiatric care. I was fortunate that my mother's son got those genes. I suffered the punishment.
It took over 50 years and menopause before I finally broke down and had to see a mental health counselor to deal with my past. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I now know how to deal not only with my own feelings from the past, but also how to deal with my mother.
Before I knew what her diagnosis truly was; I'd of guessed at narcissism, but that was only a small part of a very large picture that it took years to pull it apart to see how all of her pieces were put together.
I, myself suffered from "Humpty Dumpty Syndrome!" I had to allow myself to be completely broken in order to put my own self back together again.
I had the hardest and thickest shell of anyone I'd ever known! I allowed nothing, but nothing to penetrate or break me down. Amazing what happens when your hormones go bonkers!
Due to my mother and her son's inherited illness, I became an advocate for individuals with special needs, all the time allowing a furnace to start smoldering deep inside and never realized it, until I lost all control of my own emotional self.
It took a good 5 years of healing and research to understand. I understand why they did the things they did. I had to totally divorce my mother's son from my life and I deal with her as needed; but at least now I know how to deal with her.
First make certain that you are looking at the correct diagnosis, secondly find help for yourself and third, learn as much as you can about the diagnosis and it's causes.
They hurt you, I know; I felt as though I was doomed, but remember this; no one ever said they wanted to born with a disability and they know not what they do, for they are sick. Just as if you were to ask an entire 1st grade class what they wanted to be when they grew up; I'll bet you not even one of them would say, "I want to be mentally ill or homeless," yet we see it all the time.
Heal yourself and learn how to deal with your relatives; that's the best advice I can give you. You'll be thankful that you did.
Suzanne

Rebeccalynn, yes, I have had that thought of seeing other mothers and daughters and wishing I could have had a nice loving relationship with my own mother, not to be ever, but I did have a wonderful mother-in law, she was kind, soft and loving. She lived with me for over 17 years once she became a widow, the last 3 years she had Altzheimers. She was a lovely woman. I was loved.
Mamoogins, narcissistic people are not mentally ill, they are just mean spirited. Nasty to the core.There is no cure for narcissism.

Keep the comments coming, I keep learning that there are many people out there that have suffered under these nasty, mental vampires.

Perhaps you need to look at her past to understand if there was anything that made her become that way. It can be caused by many different things from the way they were treated to genetics.
I wish you peace and my let you know, I too had a wonderful women in my life as well, my step-grandmother. She taught me so many things tha moved my life in the direction it did. I am most fortunate to have had the opportunity to have her love me and I her.

Mamoogins- I asked my relatives/relatives and they said my mother always was like this since she was a child. She enjoyed watching people squirm and she liked to pull pranks that were down right sadistic and yet my mother has a tinge of sympathy for animals and babies, for they can't talk back she says.
My mother was not only verbally abusive but also physical during my childhood. I did not know that was wrong, I thought it was normal, until I got married. My aunts and my Grandmother saw what was happening but they were afraid to rock the boat.
I was very fortunate to have several wonderful women in my life who were there for me.
My mother had a rough life, but so did many others in this world and yet they pulled thru. I had a bad childhood, but I did not repeat the behavior with my children. Although I over compensated by being constantly available to my sons and I showered them with constant praise, to a point my oldest son recently told me, that I did it to much, that it nauseated him. I apologized and told him that it was all due to my own insecurities and I wanted to make sure he knew that what ever he did or accomplished I thought it was great. He kind a smirked and he said he understood because it's apparent that his Grandmother (my mother) was a big influence in my life. By the way, my son's 39 and 35 do not talk to my mother, for obvious reasons. Mostly they don't like it the way she treats me and second, the way she wants to manipulate them. These are grown men and they do not want to communicate with a woman who has no respect for anyone. So you see, this is the result of narcissistic behavior. My mother is a Great grandmother and my son's do not encourage any relationship with her. My mother still does not get it. She thinks the reason my son's don't talk to her is because of money. To the contrary. My mother at this point is all alone, except for a few people in her life. How sad is this? Very! NB can't be changed. If I only would have known years ago. Oh well!
How lucky for you and I that we had women in our lives who showed love and kindness to us. That helped, didn't it? I'm also a step-grandmother and I hope my Grandchildren see me different then my mother.

Midwest, I have very little to do with my mother and if you read the stories about how I was brought up, you'll understand more.
My daughter feel the same way about my mother as you do about yours. No NB cannot be cured and neither can the host of other mental disorders that are out there, as of yet, but they can be helped if they so choose. No one can do that for them.
Wishing you and yours the best.
S.

Your right S. NB cannot be cured. They are who they are.
Wishing you all the best as well.
E.

My mother's a horrible Narcissist -- you can literally check off every single criteria. Like Midwest, she manipulates my grown sons any way she can, often treating them like they're her personal prostitutes. If they want to get off the phone because they're getting tired of her badmouthing me, she tells them she paid for their time. They're young and poor and she takes advantage of that by using checks to control them or mock their father and me because we don't have all that much money ourselves. She thoroughly cut off one son and accused him of "abusing" her because he told her he didn't want to get involved in any dramas. I can't stand that she does this to my kids and so far I have shown incredible self-control by not responding to her cruel accusations and insults always sent on birthdays and anniversaries the last 3 years. She actually blames me for having been sired by the monster she worshipped for 18 years and who tortured and terrorized me almost daily, often with her consent and sometimes her participation. The gall of her. Another time she told my sons I used to cash out checks she would send us for our anniversaries and not share them with their dad which is a blatant lie. My sons are slowly letting me know that apparently she was badmouthing me even when they were young kids like when she'd tell them I couldn't hold my liquor the day after she got knee-walking drunk and even attacked us all. I'm just ashamed it me over 50 years to realize I'll never win that bitch over and what's messed up is I actually feel guilty because I know there's an element of dementia involved these days. Uggh!

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is classified as a mental illness , along with the other personality disorders. However, narcissism exists in varying degrees, and may be just a personality trait. Most of us have some narcissism in us, and that is healthy - promoting us to care for self. When it is severe enough, it will affect relationships,

Here is a list of traits that exists in unhealthy narcissism by Thomas, D , author of Narcissism: Behind the Mask (2010)
Thomas suggests that narcissists typically display most, and sometimes all, of the following traits:[5]
An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
A lack of psychological awareness
Difficulty with empathy
Problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries)
Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults (see criticism and narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)
Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
Haughty body language
Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
Pretending to be more important than they really are
Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
Denial of remorse and gratitudude

My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder along with narcissism. They often go together. I can see most of the above in her. I believe the older theory is that it develops due to ihadequate parenting/bad childhood experiences, but it is now believed to, in some cases, have a genetic basis. I am convinced in my mother's case it is genetic, as there were several people in her family with it. My daughter also shows some of those traits, as does my sister. Mother's siblings were all the nicest people in the world, and told me she had been difficult all along.

These conditions may be treatable to a degree, but not curable. They are only treatable if the individual acknowledges they have problems, seeks therapy, and cooperates. I think a minority do that.

RebeccaLynn - there was a discussion somewhere on this site a while ago, about those who are caregivers being more empathetic than others. I am very empathetic too and, at times, have to not act on it. We have to be careful not to become codependent i.e. put the feelings and interests of others before our own.

To your question, midwest, I have suffered from all the things mentioned by others, and still struggle with some of them. Problems with trusting myself, feeling inadequate, expressing feelings, especially anger, and so on. I have gone for therapy as I needed it thoughout my adult life.

From the website Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents, here are some guidelines for recovery for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents:

Begin working through the grieving process - allow yourself to grieve the parent you never had.
Acknowledge that you've never learned how to properly deal with feelings, and begin to start working through these feelings.
Work toward loving that little child inside you in the ways your Narcissistic Parent never did.
Stop hoping that your Narcissistic Parent will change - he or she will not change.
Remind yourself every day that you need to take care of yourself - those needs for self-care are incredibly important.
Remember - you matter too. A lot.
You do not need to harm yourself or hate yourself. You're a great person, worthy of love and devotion.

One suggestion they make, that I really agree with, is that as your parent ages, "Go through a third party as your Narcissistic Parent ages - do not allow them to rely upon you and you alone as they need care." Psychologist Pauline Boss also recommends going through a third party, and only overseeing the care of a narcissistic parent. She says - be humane, but protect yourself from further harm.

Detaching is such an important part of surviving, a narcissistic parent, and also setting strong boundaries.

I find by reading and learning about the problems, it helps me to cope. Mother was diagnosed only a few years ago. It was a real affirmation for me. I think it is a failure of the medical system that she was not diagnosed earlier. I had informally diagnosed her years ago, and it helped me to cope. A diagnosis early on would have explained why things were as they were, and helped me, and others in the family to cope with her.

Good luck to everyone. It is a tough way to grow up, and they are tough to care for in their older years.

♥ and hugs Joan

emjo, my mother has never been diagnosed but fits many of the traits of a narcissist. My brother, her golden child, even said to me a few years back. "The problem with you is that you try to have a relationship with her". My husband had said the exact same thing also. So, I guess that pretty much tells you where our situation stands.

I have read alot of books and have no doubt both my parents were narcissistic. And Mom's Dad was and Dad's Mom. So genes could play a part. I worry about what harm I have done my girls. my husband tells me he has never seen a selfish bone in my body, however, I have been negative many times. That is what I learned early on. But I have made great efforts to change the negativity.

My twins have problems with anxiety. They are at the age when they are finding husbands, have stressful jobs, moves, life changes. However, I can't help but worry I did or said something to cause some of this.

I wish children came with an instruction book. So we would not make the saem mistakes our parents did. I see mistakes my brother is making with his only son. My brother is a bit narcissist himself. He brags about his job, his new house, money, etc. But his poor son, who just turned 29, is college educated, employed, but has never lived outside his parents home. They look at themselves as a unit of three. My brother won't allow and underminds his independence. Just like my Dad did. Sad

And my brother's narcissism will play a significant role if we have to care for my mother who is independent at the moment. He is "in charge" of everything and as he told me, "that is the way she wants it".

I am so sick of narcissist people. And I read and hear it is getting worse. That the younger generation is very narcissistic. God help us. Who can stand these people?

So far I have read nothing but negative outcomes and the hurdles these poor women went thru, due to the NB in their mothers. Damn! I only wish I had been informed 50 years ago too, this way I could have cut her out of my life. Now she is old and yes, I have a warm and fuzzy feeling towards my mother, even though she is mean as they can get.

I've been in therapy most of my life because of my personality disordered parents. One thing I wish would have happened that never did is that no therapist said to me - "Fairydust, wake the hell up! These people are going to get old and you will be on the hook for their care as an only child, make plans accordingly! And they may get old fast and not wait until they are 80 to need you." One of the hardest parts of such a parent is that they've already been using you up your whole life but once they have elderly issues they've finally got an official "right" to do so in the eyes of many.

As an only child everything does fall on you. I'm an only child as well, but there is a solution. Move across the country. I did. She recently came to visit for 2 months and it was that visit that truly woke me up. She went back and not a moment to soon. I was emotionally drained. The fact that she has all her marbles together is a positive factor for me. She does not allow me to help her in any shape or form, not because she is kind, because she thinks I'm to stupid to do anything, she is the only one who knows everything. Never mind that I'm a professional woman and have huge responsibilities in the real world. I simply don't have the brains according to her. Can you imagine, I could not even pack her luggage, because I don't know how. Never mind that I traveled the world and when my kids were small I packed everyone's luggage. Anyway, when you are an only child everything is being dumped on you, the good and the bad. But moving across the country allowed me to be far away and she can't call me every time and make demands. My commitment to my job and the fact that I'm not at a retirement stage, allows me a legitimate excuse why I'm were I am. Although she likes to dump the guilt trip on me and say that "I deserted her", which is why I invited her to stay with me for unspecified time. Two months is all I could take and she was happy to go home. I can understand the "home" is always "home" bit, but her behavior while on this visit sealed the deal for me that I will never be able to take care of her on a daily basis. She would bury me first.
As an only child and the grooming that has been done during our lifetime, makes our current situation sometimes very challenging. How to cut loose? Other then moving 2 miles away, one has to disconnect and make the contact limited. LIMITED is the key word. I believe it's not good for our self to just cut them off totally, but keeping the distance, whether by miles or emotional, keep your distance. Don't share anything personal, you will regret it. Mine was very good at this one and each time it happen I was mad at myself for sharing. because later on down the road she would use that information and twisted and degrade me. So, do not share. If you have a best friend, share with that person. I learned over the years not to share any information. Later on she got the message and accused me of hiding things from her and I told her, that she was not the person I like to confide in because she plays dirty, she uses it against me. She just sat there and looked. GOTCHA! You see, you have to be calm and say it very factually, they hate it, but you must draw the line. Establishing boundaries is essential. Narcissistic people hate being told that they are wrong. My mothers biggest complaint always was that she always said that I was against her and I told her repeatedly I was not, I simply do not agree with her, which I'm entitled. NB has this grandiose idea that they are the only ones who know everything and everyone else is beneath them.
As an only child it is very difficult to deal with such a parent, because your all alone, but if you have a good support system, you will be fine.
This site is were you can express your self and find that you have many sisters and brothers who are in the same boat. I felt that I was talking way to much to my friends about the same subject and I did not abuse them and I'm sure they were getting bored and my constant "my mother this, my mother that" and "you know what my mother said to me today". I knew intellectually that I was talking way to much about my mother to my best friend and I had to find another outlet. And being computer literate I found this site and ever since then it's been very helpful.
How about you? Do you feel this site has been very helpful? Have you also talked way to much to your friends or family members about "Mom?" I found that some of the stuff that has occurred between my mother and I, I could not even tell my friends. Way to embarrassing, because of our age and it's so hard to believe that we have such a drama in our lives. Would you agree?
Have a good day..... midwest

Correction to previous Answer:
Oops, I meant to say 2,000 miles instead 2

I'm real emotional after reading these posts because they're my story too. I feel all the same emotions, have lived the same insecure life. My mom died 2 yrs ago yet I'm spending my retirement fund paying a lawyer every month to get out of a legal mess she left. I just "thought" she had disowned and left me out of her will, but oh no, that's far from the case. If she didn't make my life a living hell while she was here she sure made certain it'd continue after her death. I'll NEVER be rid of her. One day I'll have enough money to get counseling and see if I can salvage something before I pass on and just hope I haven't messed up too many people along this journey. God bless all of you!

Impacts... I think the level of destructiveness in the impact depends on what role you played in the narcissistic family. Its not just mother or father, everyone plays a particular role in the system. I have a hero brother, the surrogate husband to my mother, he is egotistical, driven to a degree that appears manic, extremely wealthy from being given the family business (since he was male), entitled, and unable to make commitments to women. He persecutes the scapegoat sister (me) the one blamed for all the family shame. Impacts, I grew up feeling absolutely worthless, void of any hope of any future, and expected to die before I was 21 because I anticipated no future at all. I married an extremely abusive entitled man and stayed forever thinking it was all I deserved. My sister became a therapist abusing clients, power hungry, and assumes she is a victim while victimizing others with a ferociously bitter spirit. The picks up with men who don't want her, prostituting her inner self for their approval. My mother toys with her frequently, a sparring my sister doesn't realize she is in, and she has frequently been used by my mother. Most recently she was chosen to inform me I wasn't wanted at the family holiday gatherings because "poor" people made them uncomfortable. How has it impacted me, these are just the tip of the iceberg ways. But on a positive note, I'm compassionate, a deep thinker, a lover of beauty, artistic, nurturing and mentoring to others. I suspect the extreme deprivation of human kindness made me value it so intensely and want to carry it to hurting people. I understand hurt in ways that are rare. that is another gift.

To Alwaysmyduty- Why are you responsible for your mothers debt? I can't fathom being stuck in that situation and before I fall in the same hole, please enlighten me.

To Freedom- In my situation being an only child with a Father being absent from age 6 until I was 20 years old gave my mother the license to use me as her whipping post. My Father was not absent by his choice. My mother took me out of the Country and never returned. I finally reunited with my Father when I was 20 years old and he made sure I knew I was loved each day. .
I think we play a role because our own need to be liked and loved by our mother is so ingrained that we desire to be in their life because we want their love so badly and yet it's never going to happen. NB can't change and they do have problems having other relationships as well, but the relationships that they do have don't know their true "Face."
I totally get the part that you are compassionate, a deep thinker, a lover of beauty, artistic, nurturing and mentoring to others. I too have that quality and I always wanted to make people happy, to a point sometimes sacrificing my own happiness. I have become better at saying NO. I do feel I have many positive assets due to my experience, the biggest one is that I strive not to be anything like my Mother.

Hey, this is a good blog and one can see how many people are affected by those who have raised us. Keep it coming!
Hugs to all.........midwest

so many classic descriptions -with some so familair and some not so familiar. As for my who has posted at length elsewhere here(hi Joan)-I do have no self esteem-very insecure and decided finally that I am done with my NM. One thing I have realized but never did before from someone who posted earlier-I have went by whole life overcompensating to family and friends in hopes I will be accepted and loved. Going out of my way to make sure everything is perfect and often left drained when isnt wasnt. With my family, I dont know how to say no-no matter what and often times I wanted to. Its been a slow slow process for me, to finally come to terms with all this. I have learned so much from these forums and thankful I did. have a great weekend everyone.

Midwest, I agree with about it being embarrassing to admit to friends what sort of mother one has. Those who have not experienced this particular type of maternal toxicity might wonder what sort of "brat" is so "ungrateful" to the paragon of maternal virtue that brought them into the world. Having a mother who was so extremely skilled at hiding her manipulative, hateful self under a sweet, longsuffering and gentle pretense would cause others to question my sanity if I spoke of what really transpired behind the doors of our fake world. That are have enough self possession in the absence of witnesses to know what your were dealing with is a grace. Having siblings only helps if they admit the truth and there was equally bad treatment so that intimate witnesses could affirm the woman is in fact a monster. If siblings are involved in carrying out her manipulative abuse and get stroked by her for being abusive to the child she has chosen to vent her hatred on, then siblings do far more harm than good. I've found generally the Narcissist mother is skilled at dividing and conquering siblings and burying the bodies so that no witness speak to each about the mind games going on. My own siblings benefited financially by burying the secrets and calling me crazy for not being willing to. Fortunately, I had a cousin with a similar life experience that validated with her observations the truth of the monster in the home. Can I share this with people whom my mother has hoodwinked, never. She is so convincing an actress that they are clueless.
For example mother's friend regularly calls with whom she sweetly states oh Elizabeth you are such a dear friend and so sweet, (on and on and on) and when she hangs up mommy dearest comments that woman is a stupid moron. Elizabeth is non the wiser of my mother's contempt. People want to believe that mothers are unselfish and loving and so it is beyond their comprehension what a demonically inspired monster called mother would look like

Midwest I'm sorry you are in this fix is well - a two month visit sounds impossibly difficult! I'm a little farther down the road, my mother is starting to lose her marbles and I must tell you unfortunately distance is only the answer up to a point. You have to ask yourself, if it's truly literally down to you or the State, are you really willing to let things get bad enough to where the authorities take over? Realize that "bad enough" in some states and cities will equal really terrible conditions and until the authorities do take over do you sit back and do nothing while maintaining your boundaries? This is the choice I face as my mother is slowly beginning signs of dementia and I am literally the only person who can/will intervene. There are no other siblings, no spouse, no relatives, no neighbors, no friends, no trusted doctor, no church buddies. To act like we have the luxury of just walking away, well do we? I have to live with myself down the line and that makes all this so much harder.

My mother did the same to me. Since I was little, she always told other people that I was a sickly child-yeah from her unrefrigerated cooking ingredients! If I got a 95 or 96 on a school paper, it was, why did you not get 100%? It was all about her and her Eastern Star meetings, how she looked to other people, how to hide the fact that my father was and died a drunk at age 49. About her taking care of her ill mother(who lived to 97-and who did all the housework for her till the day she broke her hip and died 3 days later). It was my mother who wanted me to stay married to idiots just for the sake of being married and not have the stigma of divorce. She refused to allow me to move away more than 2 blocks from her house-this of course, got all my husbands goat. Everything was on her terms, around her job or part time job-she went to work knowing that her second husband was dying. Then she took all her second husbands money and gave very little to his grown up sons from his first marriage. She had boyfriends and live-ins till she was 83 and then took my druggie son hostage as her lacky to drive her around to doctors and her precious fraternal meetings. She always told me, why can't you be nice like other woman your age(I do have two masters degrees and have worked the majority of my life), why are you not a joiner, why are you so against going to church every Sunday, always what and why and how I could have done better. She told me I was pretty as a child and that I looked like Shirley Temple and did have over 100 dresses for me which my grandmother washed and ironed. She refused to allow me to stay up past 7PM to ruin her night when I was a child, she did not allow children to come to my house for over an hour to play with me or even eat with me(omg-this could give me a stomach ache). I finally moved away at 51 with my kids and it was wonderful to fly away from her constant nagging. This move angered her even more as now I had left her. She was a poor old lady getting over her mastectomys and 83. I moved into the family house which at that time was hers and mine. I told her to sell and come join me as I was going to do something new and get away from the area where I had 3 bad marriages. She refused and insisted that I would fail. I opened a bed and breakfast, a chamber of commerce and had fun at many types of meetings taking my then 9 year old daughter with me everywhere. I did not want history to repeat itself but as it always does, my daughter hates me too now. She claims I have personality disorder and other things. She just graduated college and is only 22 and now working. She has stated that she is living in my shadow and her fathers and doesnt want her father or I to talk about her. Well, we do when she has told me about her drinking and drugging. We both have issues with her at the moment. She now claims she was never wanted(I had her at 42 after a Downs Syndrome abortion with another pregnancy) and never gave her parenting or love nor did her dad. I really tried not to be like my mother and know that I made many many mistakes but always told her I loved her many times daily and was there for her all the time, contraray to her beliefs. What do you guys think? I live alone now and am very lonely and bitter due to my children shunning me now for 8-12 years.

For now I will stay in the background. I did call my mothers Doctor the following day and discussed with him my observation. He knows me and we met a few times years ago and I told him our history. He knows how my mother is and he did suggest to her she go in to Assisted Living, but she told him, no way. She does have mobility issues. My mother is determined to live at her home, even if it means to hire people. I have no clue how long this will last, but neither the Doctor or I have any rights if she still has all her marbles. I hope she can live at her home and I know she qualifies for people to come in and help her with some tasks. The question is if they last and how long until she falls. She does not have anyone staying with her, but I'm sure after this visit she will be looking for someone, because she realizes I'm not going to live with her and take care of her. Even if my mother was sweet as pie and we got along great I would not be able to commit myself to such a task, she is to heavy for me to lift and I have back issues. Let's face it, at this age all of us have something going on with our bodies too. I told her Doctor to call me if there was something very serious. He stated he would. So now I will leave everything as it is and go on with my life. Sooner or later I will get that call. I'm slowly preparing myself.
I recently communicated with someone on this site and I said if my mother died tomorrow, how would I feel and I think the first thing that popped in to my mind was......Relief. How about you guys, what are your thoughts? How will you feel?
Of course we do not know exactly because it hasn't happen and I know it's sort of taboo, but be honest. Perhaps some of you already lost a NM, what were your emotions?

How would you feel if they died ties in to the questions of "impacts". The narcissistic bleeds you completely dry of all emotion. I know that for decades I've lived as a completely numb person because my mother's extraordinary bottomless pit of needling the emotions of everyone. You cannot afford to feel or the sorrow would be so great as to be fatal around someone who smirked with pleasure over every successful humiliation they inflicted on you. I lived on automatic pilot, ferrying her to doctors appointments, fixing her dinners, attending to various needs she was too "helpless" to do and dealing with her endless "I can't handle it" about any challenge she might have to face. her response was to tell neighbors and relatives I didn't do a #(*% thing to be helpful.

I remember this cold hearted monster telling me to "get over it" when I found out my now ex was cheating. She informed me that she had an affair with a married man and when the wife came to the door she laughed in her face. She was still tickled by it and wanted me to get it that I was nothing but a joke. This heartless woman that cannibalized her children emotionally for decades then expected tender "I love you" 6 times a day from the people she brutalized. This person that left us with nothing but crumbs for affection, and in my case she swept even those away. The person I purposefully had to remove any sense of feeling in order to survive? How would I feel.... I think I would let the dam of tears I've held back for years lose, lay on the floor and weep for joy that the nightmare called mother was gone for good. Can I ever admit this to anyone publically, in the family, friends, or others I know? never. But, in answering this question I realize this is just one of the many impacts, you have no love left to give, life is about survival and nothing more

Joymoon- I just read your piece and you sound so classic. Sometimes there are remnant's from our past and we make mistakes with our children without realizing it and at this point I see it now. I for one did not want to be like my mother and I tried so hard with my kids not to be, that I became over bearing and constantly praised them and my oldest son hated it. I did not know how much he resented it, but ultimately it damaged our relationship. We recently talked after not talking to with each other for over a year. Guess what, I did some soul searching and I picked up the phone and called my son when I knew he could talk. We spent almost 2 hours on the phone and he said some things that made me realize how much my mother had an influence on me, even though I thought I wasn't like her. My son told me that , I constantly praised him and made sure that everyone knew it that I was able to make it happen (boy shades of my mother) and he said he was embarrassed especially when I would do it publicly. I guess that stemmed from not hearing anything good from my mother and never measuring up. I compensated by bragging about my boys, because I wanted everyone to know I was proud of them. By doing it so often I must have cultivated resentment in him, which I had no clue I was doing it. Our recent conversation was a good one and he indicated that perhaps we can build mutual respect. He wants to be respected as an adult and I agree. I never thought that I was not. As far as I saw it was basically my concern and I had high expectations for my son because he is brilliant when it comes to comprehending what he reads. He received a letter from Ronald Reagan commending him for being one of the top 5% Nationally of being smart. Well, as you see, what Mother would not be proud of a son who has this gift and I thought he was going to go to college, unfortunately he went 1 year to a top state college and he actually flunked out. Did drugs and did not have any ambition. I was mortified. I knew he was not happy but I could not put my finger on it. Long story short. He is now very happy. Has a wife and 7 children. But during this time he and I have been struggling with our relationship. Mind you I have other children and I do not have an issue with them, like I have with this one.
The point I'm making is this. First, think about what you can do to make things better, be honest with yourself. Meet them on a one on one level. Take baby steps. Don't put the blame on anyone. Listen to their grievance and validate it. Don't be like your mother. See what you can do to make things better.
I spoke to my son 2 weeks ago and I know he is not going to call me, because that's the way he is, so I will call him again. I will not talk about anything heavy, keeping it light. Let's face it, my son is almost 40, he does not need a Mommy. And I do not want to be mothering all over again, there for I will see were he wants to take the conversation. Less said on my side the better I'm off. I need to listen more.
I hope this has given you some other perspective and now do what you need to do my friend.
Hugs........midwest

My narcissist mom died 2 yrs ago. I had to hear it from my elderly aunt (dad's sister) from 1200 mi away although mom was in a hospital 8 mi away from me. Sis called her with the news (she lives 3000 mi). Sis has yet to speak or write the words to me. Why? Because mom told her never to tell me if she died. Can we say hateful on both their parts? To be honest, I was relieved. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted. No more ugly names, no more ridicule, no more hate, no more fear. I was moving ahead very slowly trying to pick up the pieces. Then I get involved in a legal entanglement with my sister over my mom's estate and believe me, I would've avoided it all costs except I was going to get sued. Bam! there went the relief. All those feelings plus some smacked me in the face. The damage this woman has caused is massive to me. I don't hate her, I don't hate anyone. I just feel resentment. She robbed me of having a normal, loving mother/daughter relationship, she robbed me of entering adulthood somewhat sane or secure or worthy, she robbed me of being able to have a decent marital relationship and then berated me for failing, I could go on but it does no good. I won't give up, will continue slowly moving forward and not let all this consume me. I guess she did me one favor through all this...even though she wanted to wear me down, it had the opposite effect. I can survie anything or at least die trying!

Alwaysonduty- I too felt robbed. Girl I feel your pain. But I do not feel resentment. I do feel a loss.
This ordeal has made me strong in many ways. I'm very confident in what I do and I feel I did the best I knew how under the circumstances.
There are moments, but one can not let it get to you to much, otherwise it will consume you.
Right? Right!

My mother was a narcissist as is my MIL. My mother passed away several years ago. I have tried to hold on to the good memories and let go of the bad. Sadly, I do feel some relief that I do not have to deal with her drama anymore. The affects on me as an adult are mixed. My husband and I realized early the similarities in our mothers. One difference is I know my mother loved me. She could be wonderful one minute and raging the next. She was never diagnosed, so I have to wonder if something else was going on too. My MIL, however, has no capacity for nurturing and love. She definately sees herself as the queen and everyone else beneath her. My husband and I are both extremely nice. I definately do not like yelling or conflict. We have had very little of either in almost 30 years. We have a very calm home. I have suffered from low self esteem, and have had to work at speaking up and voicing my opinion. I am getting better, though. Several months ago MIL moved in. We should have said no, but husband felt guilty. Big mistake. It has been a nightmare. She is mean and nasty. Just yesterday, she was being very negative toward our teen son, who does not deserve it. I just snapped. I remember no adults standing up for me when my mom was putting me through hell. I will not let that happen to my son. I told my husband enouh, she needs to ofind another place to live. She can well afford it, but she isbgetting 4 star treatment here and doesn't want to leave. Tough. Following being so nasty yesterday, she was sweet as pie today. My husband told me she feels bad. Have we not all seen this play out many, many times? They be nice, absolving themselves from whatever they did, and a few days later, they are back to their old ways. I will not let anyone cause my children to be miserable in their own home. If she is lonely by herself, she only brought it on herself.