Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

Grandma, wake up and grab life by the balls. All of this talk of 'duty' and 'pleasing others' and 'can't say no' is the legacy...and the LIE...your mom has left you with. You can not, will not, ever please everyone, ever. Never, ever. You're STILL looking for the approval, love, acceptance, whatever, that you didn't get from your mother. STOP IT. You have to love YOURSELF first, and the only way to do that is to do some major soul searching. And practice saying NO.

Did you help your mom when the chips were down? Yes? That's more than a lot of people would do. That right there is something positive about YOU, who you are, to be proud of. Letting people shit on you isn't noble, it doesn't earn you points for 'good' behavior. That kind of behavior isn't good, it's self destructive. Before you ever try and interact with the world again, FIND YOUR LIMITS. Ask yourself, before you do a damn thing for others, what your motive is. Is your motive their admiration? Is your motive their approval? If it's anything like that, you're giving for the WRONG reasons. People give because that's all they want...to GIVE, to be KIND...and when you know you're doing it for the right reasons, you're at PEACE. I took care of my mom because I'm GOOD like that. I didn't require a thank you to know it. I hope you get to that peaceful place yourself. If I ever do any kindness for someone, it's because I'm kind, and that's all I need to ever know to be good with who I am.

I was at the grocery store months ago. An old man was ahead of me in line, obviously very poor. He couldn't pay for all of his food, and was starting to put some of it back. I paid for it for him. Did I want thanks? No. I wanted that old man to eat that roast chicken that night, that's all. lol :)

Thanks so much standingupalone. you are dead right on everything you said here. This expecting thank you is so my mom and I always got irritated cause she always got pissed when she sent birthday or Christmas money and no thank you. I would tell her if you only send it for a thank you-stop sending it. My grown son is one that don't say thank you-so guess what? He don't get anything ever again from her. And even this is what I told her to do, I am hurt cause this is my son that being ignored and that is a double standard. I strive everyday at the age of 65 to overcome these demons that are created by ME. One can only blame their NM for so long and not doing anything but feel sorry for myself doesn't help. I the approval with giving relates to people I want to be friends with. I am starting to stop doing that. However when it comes to my family-I do it because of my love and I enjoy doing this. The big positive in all this-I have three brothers and one sister that love me very much. They understand and appreciated everything I did for mom. In fact. they are convinced she is much better now because all I did for her. Good Bless to you and everyone and have a great weekend

Np. I just hope you start feeling better very soon. God, care giving + narcissism. Lovely.

I've dealt with my mom, the Grand Narcissist, for 48 years. I've written down some ugly crap about it, about growing up as an only child with that, and some of the raw, ugly emotions the whole thing brought out of me...and created in me. Yeah, created. I wasn't born part demon, I was made part demon, I had to become part demon, literally, to...survive mentally intact, to survive period, and not end up in some rubber room in a psyche ward, twitching and gibbering away to yourself in a corner. Yeah, it can be that bad. A narcissist is like some kind of evil magician, and their type of power can be so clever, so subtle to almost be invisible, or they can be in your face, pounding you bloody. What's it gonna be today? You never know. Welcome to my world. I've been living it with my narcissistic mom since probably before I knew I was living it. If I ever sound like some kind of know it all when I give you strong, intense answers about how to handle these types, I apologize ahead of time, but I am my own so called expert, because how I handled it worked for me, how I beat the effects of an entire life with one of the Queen Bitches. I came out ahead. I'm at peace. PEACE, people. I don't have all that whacked out shit in my system, poisoning, killing me, anymore, that mess that my own mother put there. .

Anyway, stop owning your mothers/brothers/aunts/uncles/grandparents/friends/boyfriends/whoevers, bullshit. That's the first step to beating this, people, imo. Maybe you don't know it, but you've been programmed, like a robot, to get shit on. That programming in your mind is still there. It's still working. You'll have to work every single day of your life to shut that silent, deadly voice down and learn to recognize it, and SILENCE it by saying NO. You will never be free until you learn, some way, some how, that your 'whoevers', if they're evil, if they've done nothing but harm, are NOT YOU, and that YOU are just fine the way you are, thanks. Unless and until you know that down to your marrow, know beyond all doubt, that you are worthy of respect, YOU won't ever respect you, and neither will anybody else. That's why I'm always harping that you have to GRAB life, TAKE it BACK. It will not come to you. Those utter losers that are narcissists are not YOU. Wake up call....You aren't a bad person because 'whoever' said you were. Oh, they couldn't be pleased and you thought you were lacking? LOSE IT. Unless and until you do, you're like a rat in a trap, forever and ever stuck in mental chains. No. That is not acceptable. Break those chains or your 'whoever' will rule you and control you till the day you die. You want that? I damn sure didn't. For me, chains no longer exist. And thank the One for it.

Don't get me wrong. I have a past, an ugly one. I have memories. But that ugly little voice that's still in a lot of your heads in this thread, whispering to you what a no good shit you are, has been banished in me. Is it GONE completely? Oh no. It's still there? Oh yeah, a whisper now and then.

I'm on the lookout for it, that negative voice that's mom's, 24/7, and will be for the rest of my life. I came out of those flames, and I came out at peace, because now I rule me, I am who I want to be but never could be. I decide whether or not I'm 'good' or 'bad', no body else. I decide if I'm going to have a good day, or a bad day, nobody is going to make my days bad, ever again.

Once you gain that mentality, that knowledge that utter freedom that you are NOT DEFINED by a narcissists words, you are NOT those hideous things that person said, you will NOT allow those things to rule you, own you, or define you, when you REJECT and EJECT that shit, when you finally decide that you're better than that and can find it within you to FORGIVE that poor, misguided, pathetic, SICK in the head, sap that tortured you, then you'll know PEACE. Just like care giving is a long, hard road, so is recovering from a narcissist. It can be done. It should be done. Don't own someone else's shit like it's your own. Throw it back where it belongs. On THEM.

I'm struggling with the negativity thing, myself. Each time I hear news from anyone, the first thing I think is what is wrong with it. I lecture my kids on everything bad. However, I've been trying very hard to be thankful for what I have instead of thinking about all the bad stuff. The more positive your internal thoughts are, the more positive the space around you is. I'm drawing positive things toward me instead of shunting them away with negativity. It's working, but very slowly.

My daughter and I attend CODA (CoDependancy) meetings. It helps, but the best thing to do is look at any given situation, decide if it will hurt you or make you feel bad to help another, and, if it does, then politely decline to help. Even feeling bad is a reason NOT to help. Now, I'm doing that, but I have to deal with the guilt that follows.

Yes, I probably have some narcissistic tendencies. After all, that was the "Mom" model I had. Both from Gram and Ma. I did probably try to parentalize my kids. I had a lot of issues while they were young, including alcohol and an alcoholic hubby. (Both of us quit years ago, and a lot changed.) So, since I cannot turn back time, I try to talk to my kids about what a narcissist is, what co-dependency is, and how it's better to think positive, be self aware of how we act and react. It's helped all of us as a family. My daughter and I are good friends at this point. My son is a joy to be around. My hubby is a pain, but he's also my main support and always wipes away my tears. He may never get out of his bed, but then I always know where he is. lol thinking positively again.

If I were you, I'd go to a CoDA meeting. There's usually a group or two in every city. Whatever you do, I wish you luck.

Lisa

Emjo, that list describes my mother perfectly. God, I've always known something was seriously wrong with her, but it's only recently that I've learned the name of this absolute twilight zone of a mental disorder. It's like my version of reality, and my mom's version of 'reality' were as far apart as the earth and stars. There were times that what came out of her mouth was so out of touch with what really was that sometimes I wondered if it wasn't me that was nuts... For example, I had a friend over one day, my mom was bitching about something...and the next day I asked her why she had to spew all that crap in front of Robyn, and she completely denied doing any such thing. She never said anything of the sort. It hadn't happened. At all. All I could do was....stare... I had no idea at all how in the world to react to her... I couldn't quite believe what was coming out of her mouth, but there it was.... I was just.... absolutely confused... I actually asked my friend if she had heard my mom say what she did, and she said yes, of course... God, even as a kid I knew my mom was bonkers... It's almost impossible to explain a narcissist to anyone who has never dealt with people that are so far out of touch with reality that life becomes a very uncertain, scary place... In my mom's own eyes, she was the absolute epitome of perfection. She did no wrong, ever. She owned no wrong doing. Ever. She never apologized for a thing, why would she, she did no wrong.. She felt not one iota of remorse for any beating or shitty thing she said. Ever. If I hadn't been/done/said **whatever**, it never would have happened, and it was all my fault. I 'made' her do it. Therefore, she's exonerated of all responsibility, and she can keep looking in her mirror...notice I say 'her' mirror, not the 'true' mirror.....there's a difference... No narcissist wants to look at themselves. No narcissist wants blame...at all, not a single crumb...because they can't stand even that much opposition, their egos are so, so fragile... The phrase 'Choose your battles' has absolutely no meaning to a narcissist. Everything, every little piddly ass thing, was, HAD to be, a freaking battle. A small, minor issue that nobody else would think of, would be cause for absolute war. For example, one day my mom wanted me to wash the windows outside. So, I took the glass cleaner and a long brush, and went at it. Well, something was wrong. I wasn't doing something right. I felt my blood pressure creeping sky ward at that moment. I went in the house, and she wanted me to wash the window with something different, and not use that brush... I told her to wash the windows herself if she didn't like the way I was doing it. After all, if you want something done right.... and she went off. She was shrieking like a banshee....over the fact that I liked my window cleaner better... And that was everything I did, or tried to do... She would follow me around, pointing out endless petty little things that I wasn't doing the 'right' way, day in and day out... I had enough of that shit as a kid and started telling her to get bent. I wasn't allowed to do my own homework. She took over, put all the answers down, and that was that. I didn't have to do a thing. And I'd seethe and do a slow simmer... I didn't need, or want, her so called 'help'. Then she'd drill into my head that if it wasn't for HER, I wouldn't have made that good grade, dumb ass that I was... To the last day that she could speak I heard about what a lousy bitch I was, never 'appreciating' her 'help'. Yeah. Sure. She completely and totally dominated every single thing. Every conversation. She could not handle the slightest opposition. She valued only people that told her exactly what she wanted to hear, when she wanted to hear it, all day, every time, without fail. That's all she wanted to hear. She couldn't handle the slightest criticism at all, or even the slightest disagreement with her views. She would become absolutely unhinged if you said the 'wrong' damn thing... Dealing with her has been a constant, never ending war. It's not that you haven't tried holding up the peace flag, it's that a narcissist has no freaking capability for mercy. They don't freaking know when to quit, literally. They will hammer you day in and day out, week after week, month after month, to get what they want from those around them, especially family. They have a tendency to wear a beautiful mask in public. Nobody could ever know what was really lurking under there, the blank swirling craziness of a mind that is nothing but a relentless machine designed and driven by only one goal....absolute and total self satisfaction, by any means necessary. Psychological warfare is a narcissists are of expertise. Verbal and physical abuse are common weapons. Yeah, weapons, because with a narcissist, it's always war. And if you bleed, if you break, if you show weakness, any weakness, under the intense POWER these types will try and weld over you, you're a goner. It takes overcoming some major fear to stand up to a narcissist, because they've been mentally programming you for a long kind, brain washing you if you like, to believe that you really do OWE them something, you really do have to bow down at every single command, every single time, or else you are **insert negativity here** and you DESERVE the mental and psychological, and sometimes physical torture, they're about to dish out, yes indeed... It's a lie. Nobody deserves their shit. If you want to break free from a lifetime of mental bondage, you best be prepared to stand against the devil himself, because that's what you'll be facing, trying to get free. Your 'whoever' will not let you go easily, and will use every single trick in the book to keep you in chains, and keep you believing lies, which keep you groveling and hoping for something you will never, ever have....and when the narcissist senses danger, senses you're about to walk the hell away for good, they're own instincts of self preservation kick in and they show you....their human side.... CLICK! Just like flipping a switch. They're so nice all of a sudden, so reasonable almost. . So innocent. So friendly. Just a brief glimpse of what you've been longing for.... wishing for... hoping for. Peace. Kindness. Respect. Value. Love.. It's a lie. There is none of that. It's all just another calculated move in the game of the narcissist. When people start seeing these types for what they really are, it's really easy all of a sudden to stand the hell up. A narcissist will always be a narcissist, to the day they die. Don't buy into the narcissist lie. This is how I've perceived life with a narcissist. It ain't no joy ride. If you want free of them, you better get your own arsenal of self protection together, and get out the big guns, because you're about to go to war. If you're weak in the face of a narcissist, they literally can, and will happily, rule you forever... If you own their bullshit, you'll live their bullshit all of your days, till you die... I am free of those chains. Thank the One.

Amen SA - you have described my experience very well. all the games, manipulation and abuse. I knew from a few early age too that something was seriously wrong and it wasn't with me.- (((((((((hugs))))))))

In every post here I see my mother - the nastiness, manipulation, the lies and that it's family who bears the brunt of it while, to outsiders, well that's a whole different picture. I lived 200km away from her with my own home and career but she refused to move close to me because "I like it here" (she was depressed, lonely and her life revolved around shopping) and "I have so many friends" (Not - she'd alienated the few she had over the years). The company I worked for at the time (which I loathed) was in financial trouble and they'd got rid of the lawyer & CFO I worked for so I knew it was only a matter of time. After a lifetime career as an exec legal assistant & law clerk there were a lot of openings and I was just biding my time and looking around. The day they told me they were letting me go they were nonplussed by my expression of happiness lol.

My mother, unable to manage alone, begged me to come stay with her and, in a weak moment, I agreed, put my home up for sale and prepared to move. Three weeks later I was offered a much better job with more money and closer to home but I made the move anyway into four years of pure hell. In time I discovered that my NM had been telling anyone who'd listen that I'd lost my job and she "saved" me! I've gradually discovered more awful lies and, until I eventually set them straight, people believed the lies. She would rage at me all the time about the most trivial things but once her rage subsided it became evident that she'd heard of someone getting something nice or going on a trip and she was just insanely jealous.

She'd lived in that house for 12 years and not spent a penny on maintenance or upgrades such that it was really shabby and she refused to let anyone in. The woman next door, a recently retired single school teacher who kept to herself, she always referred to as "Old Fancy Pants". It irked me so much one day I had it out with her. In her view this woman should have offered to help her years ago but didn't. Over the years she was seen by neighbours dressed to the nines, walking her dog, going out in her car. When I pointed out she sure didn't look like she needed help her response was that "she should have offered because I'm old". The neighbour was diagnosed with breast cancer and I popped a note in her mailbox to let me know if I could help. Along with friends and relatives, I drove her to the treatment centre 3 or 4 times and of course that caused my NM to go right off her rocker because she wasn't the centre of attention.

The neighbour eventually passed away and I, along with several of the neighbours, attended her funeral. My mother refused to go "Just tell them I'm not feeling well".

I came to Canada from the UK in 75 with a job, 2 suitcases, $100 and a roof over my head for a week. A few years later she uprooted my poor father, who was leaving family behind, and came here as well. I worked 2 jobs for some years to become established and bought my first tiny house in 88. Of course it was sneered at "what a dump", as was every home I've had over the years. If I had a boyfriend I got "He's just after MY money", i.e. I was worthless and no-one could ever want me for myself.

These are just a few examples. I could go on for hours. She's been in a NH for the past year, broke a hip in May and has been in a wheelchair ever since. A week ago she had a stroke and is now deemed palliative. I currently live in a small house on 2 acres in the country, 15 mins from the NH. I've been struggling with why I feel absolutely nothing but looking back at over 60 years of hell from the NM I've come to the conclusion that there's no reason I should feel anything at all. I've decided to visit just once a week and concentrate on rebuilding my life.

Finding this site helps remove the isolation felt from having endured a predatory 'mother' that was text book narcissistic.Fortunately she passed ,the toxicity she infused into everything escalating to epic proportions until the end. In the process of defusing her effects by educating myself on this disorder and learning to call things by their proper names........a very disturbing parallel was revealed:The self deified corporate dominance manipulating politics,economics and media is suffering from this disorder yet being rewarded and bowed down to instead of being treated and it's toxic,expansive gluttony negated . The fact that companies are now people and people are reduced to verb status[consumers] mirrors the crazy making bizarro world my mother tried to impose. How can we deal with this-The biggest. baddest mother of them all?!

Hello Everyone,
Well it's been a year and I am so happy to have created this site for so many to unload and have an outlet. When I first wrote this blog I was curious and very distraught emotionally. I wanted to see if I was the only one who had a NM. Apparently I am not. I read many of your comments, stories and it amazes me how prevalent this deli ma is.
Here is the update of my situation with "Mommy Dearest". In order to understand this, you must go back to my blog and read the beginning.
After Mom left in Jan. 2013 I did not speak to her for 8 months. I deleted all calls. Slowly I recovered and began to melt. I had many Ocean view dialogues with myself. What does that mean? Almost every weekend I would go to the Ocean sit by the shore and write in my Books. I have been writing since I was 18 years old. During this time I began to reflect and ask myself how I would feel if she died. I guess my empathy goes much further than hers.
I started to take her calls. I was cool and factual. She did not understand why I did not talk to her. I reminded her and she said she did not remember. How convenient. The calls became more frequent, she was reeling me in. She never failed to end a call with crying and stating how lonely and scared she was that she would die and nobody would know she was dead. I reminded her that she has driven most people away.
In November 2013 I made a decision to leave my job in California because I was 5 years away from my children and grandchildren and I decided to return to Chicago. I officially returned Dec.14th, 2013 but I did not tell my Mother. I communicated via cell phone. As far as she was concerned I was in California.
Than on Dec.30th on her Birthday I went to her house and surprised her. She was shocked and delighted. I told her I was in town and I might stay.
All goes well for about a week and than the demon in her starts. She has not changed. She is still nasty as can be, but I have taken a different stance. I do not let her antics affect (misspelled my title word) me any longer. When she starts, I immediately tell her that I am not putting up with her nastiness and I will be leaving if she doesn't stop. It grinds her that I have this power. She has been recently told by the Doctor that she has Emphysema, due to her smoking.
The following day after she has been told that she has the disease, she lashed out at the Doctor stating that he poked around her body and did not do anything. I reminded her that the Doctor told her that she has Emphysema and she damaged her lungs permanently and it's not a pretty picture when the end comes. She just sat there dumbfounded.
I know my Mother wants me to live with her and be around to take care of her, but I will avoid that with a 10 foot pole. She has a Nurse and a cleaning Lady offered by the State. The Doctor has stated that she can not live by herself. So, I will seek out a Lawyer and get information as to what I should do. My Mother's mind is still in tact, although there are signs that she is forgetting a bit. I will wait and observe how she is doing. I am waiting for her to be more docile so I can deal with her better. The time will come, I have to be patient.
There are so many other incidences, to many to write about but I think everyone knows that this is not a cake walk for me. As awful as this sounds believe it or not I looked up how long does a person live when they have been diagnosed with Emphysema. I need to know the process, I need to know what am I in for. By the way she also has a Heart condition due to the stress on her breathing. Plus she has many other health issues. But her mind and mouth is still working, nasty as ever. She chews everyone out. Everyone from the Doctors Receptionist to the Cashier at the Grocery store. Nobody is immune. Some times I stand there and observe her and shake my head. This is a person who has been born like this and quit frankly she just is who she is. I on the other hand want to help her on a minor scale for I have to protect myself from her abusive behavior. And the most important fact is this, how will I be affected once she is dead. Will I be relieved or guilt ridden for not doing more than I could have.
I am going to visit her today and each time I do, she greets me with a sourpuss. Now isn't this special folks. LOL
As the drama continues I will keep all of you posted.
Best to you all,
Midwest


And to the last comment from anonymous203640, please stick to the topic, this blog is not for political, economical or media views, even though you may feel it does.
Question to you: Since your mother passed you said "Fortunately", so I can assume you are relieved? Correct?

If her mind and mouth are intact I think all you can do is ensure she has the outside help she needs and stay the heck away from her. I have scars on my head where Mommie Dearest knocked me around and put me in a hospital when I was about 6. I learned to avoid her from a very early age but could never shake her, even moving to another country, by phone and in person she followed constantly, like a bad smell. For an NM it is all about control and dominance. We're trained to accept it as the norm from a very young age and we're tormented as adults when by rights we should tell them to shove it.

She's been in the NH over a year now, broke a hip in the spring and had another stroke a few months ago which seems to have knocked the stuffing out of her. Now unable to sit up or stand, slurred speech and unable to even write her name, she's mostly bed ridden, her Parkinsons is a lot worse and her dementia is extreme.

She's been unable to dial the phone for a long time and for a while now if I call her I can't understand her. I'm the only one who calls or visits and, when she had a lucid moment or two, she agreed to have her phone cut off, which I did. On visiting her yesterday she was convinced it was my phone that was cut off and how would the NH reach me. It took a long time to get her to understand.

The NH calls me for every little thing - 4 calls late Christmas eve alone - and I was becoming so anxious dreading the phone ringing I've turned the ringer off so that any call goes to voice mail. If she tries to get out of bed (again) and falls (again) and is carted off to hospital (again) I won't immediately be bombarded with phone calls and feel the need to rush out on icy, snowy, pitch black country roads in the middle of the night. At her age and with her issues another bad fall may well be the end of her and there's nothing I can do but sit in some hospital waiting room all night ... been there, done that so very many times.

She also wanted to know my full address but I would only give her the village name. In her demented state I don't want her telling staff exactly where I live and making up stories so I end up with the cops on my doorstep - she did that once 20 years ago when she was perfectly sane ... it was just a control thing.

How will I feel when she dies? Nothing more than I feel now, somehow sorry for her that as an A1 NM she ruined her life and that of anyone who had the misfortune to cross her path. I don't think she's ever been happy in her entire life and I hope she finds some peace on the other side.

She wants her ashes scattered in a large public park where she used to live, at a spot where my father's ashes are scattered and those of some of her beloved dogs. I'll have a bench and tree planted there and donate some money to animal rescue in memory of them all.

With a hip replacement I pretty much hibernate in winter and I'm spending my home time planning on improvements to the homestead (wee cottage and 2 acres) and getting out and about to rebuild my life, which ended 5 years ago.

I compare the effects of my mother 'ways' (over the years of acculation) as a sort of brainwashing... Actually, after she moved by me, she said I called her 'mom' too much... I said "what do you want me to call you?... RC? (her initials)... " And, she said "yes" ... as if she is embarrased by the fact that her daughter calls her mom in person... I told her I only wish I had a daughter to call me "mom"... (nothing... NOTHING phases her... and, it still continues to this day)... When this first incurred some years ago, I thought maybe it was just because she wanted a form of independence around her...an 'identiy'... but, I don't that's the case... do you?... (we caregiver's/daughter's try to analyze things to make sense for the positive... But really... can we ever?)

Top personality traits of adult daughters of narcissistic mother

Mom is 91. Her neighbors, (when she had her own place 5 years ago) informed me she had narcissistic tendencies. (One, a deputy and one an elder-care nurse.) We always felt something was wrong somewhere, but we knew she loved us and was trying her best. She was severely abused as a child. Wish I had known all this before I married: I married a man just like my Mom. AND: I thought he was normal; because the way he acted was what I WAS USED TO. 22 years of marriage later, I divorced to save my life. Patience only holds out for so long. Mom lives with me, and I am sole caregiver. Or as she call me "The Warden". I just pray. Alot. Even though it's a rough road, she never knew why she acted out; didn't get help when it would have mattered. There's no way to modify her behavior anymore. I just pray she finds peace.

In my 40's & only recently discovered my Mother being a narcissist. Always knew something was wrong, just not what exactly. She stays with me for the time being. I've blocked a lot out from when younger. Her & my father had rocky relationship at times & she always blamed him. I've had issues in my life & thought it was caused by my father. Realizing now it's been her all along. Me being people pleasing through my life, issues in intimate relations, etc. Glad at least now I realize & start healing. I read there's no need to confront someone like this, it is pointless. I now see the manipulation, guilt trips, & all other things she uses & does. I was the bad one growing up, my sibling the golden child. I was quiet, & a good kid...but I always got put down or beat. Some famous sayings I heard out of the mouth of a narcissist: I brought you into this world, I can take you out. When I say jump, you say how high. Cursed at, threaten. Used threats & fear raising me. Now I realize she expects others to make her happy. She always says she has nothing to do-she does but makes excuses why she can't do them. Like she wants undivided attention, which she never will get. Even a care home couldn't do that. Reminds me of how a queen would act in the old ages, needing a personal servant. I give her basic need, make sure she is ok. Then stay out of the way. Tried having more conversation, but she's always complaining, miserable, or if she see's I'm in a good mood & happy-she will say something to bring me down, put me down. I know it won't be long until she'll be NH bound. I'll be glad to have my life back & free.

Hey there Dawn 36: Sounds like you are in endurance mode. Read Don Miguel Ruiz: "The Four Agreements". Don't take anything personally. It's ok to be sad for someone who "doesn't get it" but you need to realize your life is worthwhile; and you don't ever have to explain anything or justify your opinions and tastes. Do your best; and continue to be 'you'. You do not need anyone's permission to be yourself. In the words of Oscar Wilde "Be yourself...everyone else is taken."

Dawn36, all I can say is that there are a whole lot a people in our shoes, This forum I created has helped so many by knowing you are not alone.
At this point, I am now pulling my hair, for Mommy Dearest has decided to go to the Cook County Clerk by herself. Despite the fact I told her the elevator is out due to recent electrical outage due to our blizzard. She promptly took off and went down the stairs with her walker. I offered to go and take care of the exemption but she trusts no one, she is the only one who can do it. Can you imagine the drama I am going thru. So my dear, fret no more, we who are stuck with these mental vampires have to simple put on a coat of arms. The corker is that when she left I discovered that she forgot the papers for the exemption, so can you imagine what its going to like when she gets home. To be continued...................

Pal trees your mother has inadvertently done you a huge favor by saying she wants your brother to do everything for her! HOORAH! You should definitely let him do just that. Refuse to do anything because it will never suit her whatever you do. You do not need to keep this dance going any longer. Get away from them both and make a calm life. You deserve it!

Please get your children away from this selfish manipulation. You know what it has done to you, so don't let the children be treated the same way. My mother has made my children compete against each other because she pits them against each other. She hated the 3rd child and talked to him like a dog every chance she got. Now that he is a surgeon she brags on him constantly. She tells me what a good mother and grandmother she was. That is the worst...
I have been in counseling all my adult life and finally have realized she is the cause of my problems. She has tainted the way I react to the world.
Please cut this relationship off ASAP for everyone's benefit. Don't let the kids around her. PERIOD. This is some of the worst abuse but flies under the radar. If the children had a bruise you would see it, but there is no overt evidence. MENTAL CRUELTY damages the soul.

My narcisistic mother everything I tell her against me. She detests my husband because he took me away from her. She even said the reason I had to go through infertility is because we are incompatible. She can't even say his name and calls him that man! I have been seeing a therapist to create boundaries.

I am amazed at how many comments there are and how many of us have this in common. It hurts your soul. It's gut wrenching. It gets worse as they age. All my life, both of my parents have been alcoholics. And now, they are dying from it. They are only 73 and 74 yrs old. Does anyone out there have an alcoholic & narcissist mother?

Hi RVSP578, my mother was not an alcoholic, but she was an over-eater, who was obese as far back as I can remember. I think there are many similarities regarding family dynamics with what you must've gone through. Everyone ignoring "the elephant in the room" (the addiction), the codependency and enabling, the physical toll it takes on the addict, the emotional distance it puts on everyone....

You have to have a mega-strong will to survive as an individual under a NPD parent. This is the way it should be, but will plunge you into years and decades of never ending conflict every time you demonstrate you are a separate person. There will be all kinds of theatrics by the NPD person to put you back in your place as an extension of their self. It will be ugly.

Surviving an NPD parent takes grit, guts, and a really thick skin. You may not even be aware that you are developing these things because it feels like the oppisite. You feel weak, incapable, wrong, and end up second guessing literally everything.

The kids growing up under an NPD parent need love, patience, encouragement, nourishment for their self esteem, praise, and the ability to self-determine as much as is safely possible. Cultivate opinions and stop saying "I'm sorry but..." in front of every statement.

Time, distance, the willingness to work on yourself, the realization therapy is really important no matter how it comes, and permission to be human will get you out from under this curse. It's really hard. REALLY hard.

The death of this parent doesn't end all the negative either. It makes the past more complicated to deal with. It does not resolve any feelings. It changes nothing on the surface. I am trying to think ahead for the time when my NPD mother is gone and to prepare myself for that time. Everyone in my life who knows how she was will just assume that Poof! It's all better now. I don't expect them to understand the lingering toxic legacy an NPD parent leaves in their wake.

Dubai Daughter.......Keep going to the therapist, you need to learn the boundaries. I only wish I cut out Mommy Dearest when I was married. My husband at that time wanted to banish her from our home, unfortunately I gave her always a lifeline. Sometimes, our parents are not good for us.

Midwest, there are no positives of NPD. My psychiatrist says my mother is poison to me , and I shouldnt go around her for any reason. He says don't even move her to my state so I can better oversee her health issues, even if she is in AL and not in my home.
He was exactly right about all. I am much less stressed since I quit going to see her. He says I have PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. All caused by my horrible childhood. I am 64. My childhood was a very long time ago but the damage is all still there.
She has caused problems between my children always. Pitted my children against each other. Played favorites big time. Would send boxes of items for only one child out of four. Not a crumb for anyone else. ..
She told one child she hated him and never wanted to lay eyes on him again. She had always hated him even when he was a little boy. When I would try to talk to her about it, she said he was too loud.
Lately she blamed me for having to live with my alcoholic father. ..even though she admitted she could remember me begging her to get us away from him as early as when I was four. But "it was all for me" that she lived with this physically and verbally abusive tyrant. Everything is my fault you see. ..her personal scapegoat always.

Decades of conflict. Oh yes - a lifetime. PTSD and anxiety follow. The energy it takes to maintain oneself is enormous. Detaching and distancing give some breathing room. Being the eternal scapegoat, the reason for all the wrongs in their world - the gift that keeps giving even after death of a parent. We question ourselves more than most, analyse, justify. May as well work on the issues now to have some peace after they are gone.

Srmaddox.......Yes there is one positive. You. You are not your mother. I resonate so much with what you said. It seems NM's have something in common, they are all alike. We often wonder how we made it, but we did. If you can take something away via my experience is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We often think that we have it the worse and then we read about others and realize, others have it worse. I can't begin to tell you what I am going thru, but rest assure I am taking the Bull by the Horns. If Mommy Dearest had Alzheimer disease I would treat her differently, unfortunately for her I am not taking any BS from her. Every time Mommy Dearest pulls her stunts I call her out and it isn't pretty. The Doctors, Nurses, Therapists and cleaning crew all have my back and this is the beautiful part, when Mommy Dearest becomes rude, one of the Nurses said to my mother: "Do you talk to your only daughter like this all the time?" Then the Nurse said to me in private: "You are a Saint" I said: "I wouldn't say that"...LOL .....Furthermore, each time Mommy Dearest makes negative comments to me in another Language, I call her out.......I would say: "What did you just say? Your going to punch me if I don't shut up?" And guess what it shocks her and she shuts up. What am I trying to say with this? I am telling you and to all of my followers, don't keep your mouth shut, speak up in front of people, don't be afraid, don't hide it. The more people can be your witness of the shenanigans that is going on, the better. Before you know it you will have a support system. Don't be afraid. My mother constantly was threatening me when I got back. She thought she still could Bully me. Ohhh no, my little Schnuckiputz, that not happening. My mother is rude to all who try to help her and so ungrateful. She wants to control everyone. She can't, she is all mouth. Again, what am I conveying to you, that you do not drag your old history and allow your mother to have control over you. I always think of how to handle my mother when she tries to be nasty, I simply ignore her, what is she really? An old Lady with a big mouth. When she wants to know something, I tell her it's not her concern. When she tries to know where I am going, I tell her, I am leaving. I do not share anything with her. I don't give her a smidgen of my thoughts or actions. I simply DO. It is sad, but this is how a Narcissist has to be handled. Don't give them any ammunition to use it against you. You will never get a mother who has warm and fuzzy feelings for you. Get that out of your head. Yes, your childhood was shitty but so was mine and thousands of others. You need to get past it and live for today and tomorrow, for we do not know how much longer we have. My mother treated my children like yours. She favored one over the other. She gave one Great grand child gifts, while the others watched. Awful! I too told her that was wrong, did she care, hell no. Today, my children don't talk to her and her favorite great grandson doesn't call her. She she did well for herself, didn't she. And she can't figure out why nobody calls her. Duuuh! And here I am, still hanging in and looking out for her. Rest assure you, this to shall pass.

Well, enough said. Like I said you are not alone.

Midwest

Hi looloo and Sandwich42plus, you're right. An addiction is an addiction, no matter what the source. Both of my parents are alcoholics. My mom is the angry one. My dad the quiet one who does whatever my mom says. The big family secret that mom and dad thought they were hiding it turns out everyone on both sides of the family knows. I have CRPS/RSD. So it complicates my or any ability to run at any time to help. The past ten years have been spent with so many ER and hospital stays I've lost count. They go in for alcohol poisoning, get sober, go home and within a week they decide to pick up the bottle again. I'm 53 and live 1.5 hrs away and unable to drive myself that far due to the RSD. The past 8 months have been the worse ever of me and my brother's lives. July 2014, Mom got severely malnourished. Had a 2.5 week ICU stay. Had to be intubated due to aspiration. Her liver was not producing albumin. Her heart had an ejection fraction of 35% and wasn't improving. She lost her ability to walk as edema set in and "froze" her feet in the drop foot position. She has Congestive Heart Failure, Cirrhosis, COPD (non-smoker), Resp. failure, obstructive airway, it goes on. We had to place her in nursing home due to inability to walk. Meanwhile in Dec 2014, my dad passed out at home for what we think was 12 hrs. He wasn't answering. It took a while but the deputy broke in and found him in his bedroom on the floor. The heat pump had been broken and was due to be replaced that day. Dad had hypothermia. I believe it saved him. His core temp was lik 82 or 88, can't remember. They had to transport him to a bigger hospital to save his life. The doctor thinks it was a HE incident. He was Dx with cirrhosis, pancreatitis, low platelets. So 6 weeks later after pt rehab, dad got released back home in February. He did well. Meanwhile, mom got to where she could walk using walker or cane in booties - wearing chunky heels about 1.5"-2" due to part of drop foot still there. She was there 3 months and discharged in March. Dad told them he wanted her home. Since the day she walked back into that home she has been angry, rude, blaming me for messing up everything. (I have POA for both) She says I left her clothes askew, closet messy. She is confused. She is so rude to me it's gut wrenching. I have offered to come help several times. Denied. I have provided the spreadsheet of expenses/reimbursements and checks payable to third parties. She had nothing to say about it. It comes out even. Well, actually if you want to get technical, she owes me $11.75 :-) We won't go there! She told me she was going to a lawyer yesterday to revoke my POA. All she has to do is write me a letter, but I didn't offer any advice. She has never taken any advice I've offered. My brother and I tried our best throughout the years to get help for them to no avail. They are still in denial. They have been given a second chance but are so sick they are unable to be grateful. I'm afraid to answer the phone when I see their number as I know I'll get yelled at again. But I do, so that I will get better at standing up to her. She wouldn't let my daughter and I come for Easter. "Too tired. People here everyday (home health and PT)" It's like she went home and thinks she's right back where she was a year ago. Something will happen. Someone will fall. But this time, depending on circumstances, I'm not dropping everything and make my husband drive me to whoever is in the hospital this time. I'm going to say "keep me posted". I have to. I'm killing myself physically and emotionally. Good thing I have a chronic pain group I attend and one on ones with my psychologist. I see my pain doc today. I appreciate your patience reading this book. It has made me feel better. I really enjoy this site. It helps in many areas. Oh, my dad and I got really close while Mom was still in the nursing home. Now he's back like his old self and staying in his garage office and not having my back anymore. And I am concerned they are drinking again. A daughter knows better than anyone usually.

I'm sorry to hear you go through the same. It will make us stronger. Family dynamics never go away or get better. She's always been this way to me...it's only worse now. May I ask how do you feel now? You mentioned you mom "was", so am I to assume she's passed? I'm sorry if so. What lasting effects does it have on you?

Sandwich42plus, thank you for the wonderful information you provided. Please continue if you want. I am a researcher. And boy do I! It helps me from thinking about my pain.

I have bored you both enough. Good day! Hope to talk to everyone later.
RVSP578

Rsvp -- not sure if you meant me, but I wasn't clear in my post -- my mother is still alive, she'll be 85 in August, and she has dementia. About 10 years ago, her appetite seemed to naturally dwindle down, and she lost maybe about 40 pounds, but she's still 50 pounds or so overweight.
I know you can't really compare one addiction's effects/consequences with another's, but many of the things she's now having to deal with are the result of not choosing a healthier life. She didn't smoke or drink, though, so that's something...

looloo -- I am so sorry. Please forgive me. You wrote in the past tense b/c she has lost some weight. I didn't read it well enough. You are saying that with alcoholics and other forms of diseases, the after effects are damaging. In my mom and dad's case life threatening. Her not smoking or drinking is something. Family dynamics are especially hard now. I am forced to keep my boundaries in place. When it comes to my aunts and uncles it's almost been liberating to finally be able to talk about mom and dad. I found out they have been worried about my mom since before I was born. I told my parents I wasn't going to lie to anyone. I talk freely about alcoholism to my family now. Both sides of the family. It's been really nice. I have to try very hard to not let what she's saying to everyone about me get to me. She's saying awful things. That hurts.

I have questions about Dementia if you or anyone else would like to answer. My mom's anger outbursts, accusations, blaming, etc., I have been told these are signs of Dementia. Are these some of the signs? I have read that alcohol itself can cause Dementia.

looloo, again, please accept my apology. I feel terrible.