What happens when the spouse runs out of money, can't make it on social security, and the other spouse is in a nursing home?

I understand. completely. I have a brother... sorta. I won't go into the issues here, but it has taken me years to get to the point I'm at about him. My mom divorced my dad when I was seven, remarried when I was about ten, and then divorced again when I was eighteen. she's alone now, in more ways than one, and I am her only connection with the world outside of her NH.

Many caretakers are in a similar position to your parents. they have cared for the medically needy spouse or relative until their own money is gone, and then the NH steps in and the caretaker is left with no money, and no way to get by without the help of the medically needy person's small income.

This is the situation: medicaid will help the person in the NH only after all said person's money is gone. If the house is in that person's name, the house must be sold before medicaid will kick in. So, the spouse living in that house? Dunno. But my bets are on the house still needs to be sold, and the spouse or caregiver must find a new place to live.

The world is not a kind place to the financially challenged. There is what you've termed 'welfare', in the form of food stamps, which pays for very little food, only enough to keep you alive if all you eat are carbohydrates. Not hugely healthy. (Which is why we have so many obese poor people, but that's another subject.)

So, what to do with the spouse after the partner goes to an NH? No one can take him/her in, so it has to be up to the spouse's income to live. First, I'd need to know the condition of the spouse. Is he capable of dealing with his own finances? If so, it isn't even up to you to decide what to do. If the spouse is a mentally capable person with his own income, you have very little to say.

However, if the spouse has issues that need medical attention, himself, then you may want to consider assisted living for both of them now, while they can both participate in the decision as to where, what, when. Remember, you aren't actually alone. They are still there, with their own ideas on what to do and how to do it. You may not agree, but then, until you have POA, you have very little to do except offer your opinion.

So don't stress. Ignore the siblings, and live your own life according to your own idea of what is right and good. They will do the same for their lives. It only hurts you to carry around all this anger weight. Doesn't seem to be hurting them. So lose the anger, and focus on the good things in your own life. Positive self talk helps. It may sound a lot like talking to yourself, but it does help in the long run.

IE: my brother just called and wants all ma's things shipped to him. Do I get angry? No. I laugh, and tell him he can come visit Ma and ask her to give him her things. If she okays it, then I will hand them to him. I can use the space in my basement. He tries to argue with me. calls me names, selfish bitch among them. I say: Goodbye, dear brother. I hope you remain in good health and are happy. -- then I hang up the phone, take a look at my grandkids' shining faces as they say 'Yuv you Gamma Yisa!' and I know it doesn't matter what my stupid little brother thinks. He's a fool who will reap what he sows. I do not send the stuff, nor do I even ask Ma about it. It is a non-subject now, since he won't visit Ma, or even call her. He only wants her money and expensive things because he failed to provide them for himself.

Your siblings are to be pitied. They may get nice things, money, all of that, but they will not understand how good it feels to be an unselfish, caring person. Live your own life, and let them go to hell in their own manner.

sorry this is so long, and really doesn't have many answers. I sorta vented. lol Good luck with the issues, and remember to find something to focus on that has absolutely nothing to do with parents or siblings. Sometimes, that can put things into perspective. Most of all, remember to laugh once a day. It doesn't solve anything, but it sure does feel good. :D

Lisa

If the one family member goes into a nursing home the other would apply for spousal impoverishment. Then they end up receiving the others' SS (i think) along with there and most of the time are able to stay at home by themselves. The Aging and Disability Resource center in your area should be able to help you with this.

Medicaid rules are dependent on each state's legal. How assets are viewed and what the ceiling is depends on each state. If your dad went into NH and your mom stayed at their home (homestead and her primary residence), then she becomes the "community spouse" and is entitled to a certain % of assets that cannot be counted as an asset or subject to "spend-down" to have your dad accepted financially by Medicaid. All these things are sticky and you really should have an elder care attorney look at their situation for a realistic approach of what to do.
Medicaid review of community spouse situations do a "snapshot" of the couples assets the day 1 of them go into the NH. This can be very good or very bad.

There are things you can do that can benefit them but need to be done in advance.
Say they are 50K over the asset limit. If they have a home, you can use the money to pay down the mortgage, do expensive repairs, buy funeral/burial policies, renovate the house so mom can stay there on her own (ramp, grab bars, etc).
So you have spent the 50K before dad goes into the NH and the "snapshot" is done. Dad qualifies for Medicaid and mom has a better financial & living situation.
You should get advice based on their situation and state from a elder care attny.

If mom never worked and her income is from dad SS or retirement, a portion of it will go to her and not the NH. The amount is kinda low and often she will have to go to court to get increased, which is best done by an attorney. Good luck.

Do your research on facilities that take Medicaid patients... Not all do. That way, you will know your options ahead of time there, too.

First off, I am sorry this is so long. But I have two comments for you!
It took me quite a while to get over not getting any help from my siblings. How funny your and mine are about the same. Sis "tries" to live way above her means. She fools alot of people but not me. Shes a car sales person. So she gets to drive a brand new vehicle. Fooling everyone. She rents her home(pretends like she owns it), Her house looks like something out of a magazine when you walk inside on main floor. But don't go upstairs or into the basement she is a hoarder and its disgusting. My brother, well he is very inmature. He soaked what he could out of mom and has moved on. So I know how frustrating it can be. I used to beg, cry, plead and bribe them to help. But was always giving an excuse. Don't get me wrong some days I still get angry. But I have accepted it the best I could. I am here for mom and thats all that matters. I am the one who makes sure she is bathed, feed and taken care of. I am the one who stays up during the night to sit by her bed, I am the one that mom still knows and is told "I love you". Over the last 2 1/2yrs I have gained so many memories, some good and some bad, some funny and some sad. But those are MY memories of the time spent with mom. That my siblings have lost out on. Because of me, mom has been able to remain in her home. I have stood up to my siblings and lost my relationship with them because I love and respect my mother. I have set aside my needs and wants because I am doing the right thing. Yeah, it might sound like bragging to some. But, this is how I moved past the resentment I have towards siblings. How I turned the negatives into positives. I was never one to pat myself on the back. But when you show selflessness to take on the responsiblitity to take care of a loved one YOU DESERVE A PAT ON THE BACK!

Both of your parents should be able to qualify for medicaid. Medicaid will pay for NH and home health if needed and if they are able to qualify for Home Hospice that will help too with nurses and additional aides coming into the home. So if it is financial more feasible to keep both of them at home and use medicaid for home health care. Remember medicaid goes back 5 years to review income. Another thing I can't remember if you said the own or rent. If they own. then Medicaid will attach a lien to the property to gain back some money after they pass away. If they do own there is a program(in PA) thats reimburses some property taxes paid. Most utility companies have programs for low income that reduces the bill. Your parents because of income can get energy assistance that will help with heating there home(rent or own). They can get food stamps and there heath insurance paid for thru your state welfare system. They can get meals delivered to the home. On medicaid all medicines should be $0 copay or a small amount. Also there is home weatherization programs(waiting list may apply) but the program will replace heater, insultation, windows etc. My mom who doesn't qualify for medicaid recently got additional insultation in attic, new seals around doors and a new fridge through the Electric company. Contact your area on aging or go to there website they will tell you what programs your parents my qualify for. There are alot of programs out there to help with elderly to remain in there home. You might find more or less programs available in your state. I am sure it varies. But don't be afraid to ask for help the worst thing is to be turned down. These programs are there for a reason.

If there is a spouse in the community and the other in a NH, Medicaid will not count the house as an asset. Nor the car and the communal spouse may be allowed to keep, I believe up to 90% of the NH's spouses income/social security. I would strongly recommend that you talk to the folks at a the Medicaid office or there are filling services out there that can help.

Many city, state, & county governments have social service offices that deal with helping find places for indigent elderly to live and they work with families getting social security or medicaid. Inquire about social services at your physician's office, church, United Way office, or look up senior assistance numbers in the phone book. * In many states, dialing “211” provides people
and families in need with a shortcut through what may be a bewildering maze of health and human service agencies’ phone numbers. By dialing 211, you can receive assistance, get referred, and sometimes connected, to appropriate agencies and community organizations.

In CA some of the AL's and SNF's will allow the spouse of a patient to live in the same room at a reduced cost. At one of the private facilities in my area, they charge a set fee for the patient & $500 extra for the spouse. It is worth checking into.

As far as I know, in most states, if one half of a couple goes into a nursing home, the other cannot be forced to sell the home to pay for nursing expenses. I have seen it happen in several cases, the person who stays at home can keep their own retirement/pensions/social security, etc. Any of that payable to the nursing home patient will go towards their care. It would be grossly unfair to put someone out of their own home, if they own it together. It would be different if it were, say a child living in a home that belongs to the parent. There should be social services available in their community to help out with living expenses for the one at home who can't pay all the bills. The electricity, heating, etc. can often be reduced depending on the situation if you check with the companies providing those services. I hope this helps.

Dont Guess.
Hire an ELDER LAW ATTORNEY.
The stay at home may be able to get a bump up in his/hers/ ss benefits. Put the house into a Irrevocalbe Trust TODAY. There are many legal things to consider.
Hire and Elder Law Attorney....They are worth the money.