What happens if elder strains back some muscles, and can't take care of themselves temporarily?
This happened to my mother almost two years ago. I had to stay with her for over a week. She needed help with everything. The dr. said someone needed to be with her, because she gave her a strong medication.
I will not do this again. She was extremely controlling, and now says that I did not stay with her for that long (she says MY memory is bad). So what happens if I have to take her to the dr. and the same thing happens? (She doesn't know how it happened last time, so it could happen again.)
Is my only option to hire someone to stay with her from an agency? There is no Medicare-paid rehab center because there was no qualifying 3-day hospital stay, correct? I'm assuming that the hired caregiver would be full-pay and not covered by insurance (she has Medicare plus a supplement from my father's former employer)?
But I am the local one. I'm thinking that I need to involve all 3 of them round-robin in an e-mail discussion about what will happen. One thing I find surprising is that they don't seem to understand the trust or what happens in an emergency at all.
Guess they will learn through baptism by fire!
I am going to keep the script for what to say to my successor trustee brother in my head. It's perfect for what to say when my mother needs care.
I'm thinking back to my mother at the doctor's and in hospitals regarding what they assume the family member (me) will do. Thanks to this site, I am learning so much about what to do, what not to do, not to agree to do anything "temporarily" because it really means the end of any efforts on the hospital's part, etc.
This site has taught me so much.
About a year ago, I took my wheelchair bound mom, with an aide from her NH to a pulmonology followup appointment. After examining my mom the doctor (who I like a lot) said "another chest Xray would be great. You could just run mom across the street to the radiology place and do a walk in".
I smiled and said "yes, I could call the ambulette service, have them pick mom up and drive her across the highway to radiology, but I think the wait for a walk in is probably about an hour and I don't think that would be the best thing for mom right now (she was recovering from pneumonia). The doctor chuckled and said "I think you're right, we'll get the Xray done at the NH (who knew--with a doctor's script, a mobile xray unit comes out and does an Xray!)..
A year before, I would have dutifully pushed my mom across an 8 lane highway "because the doctor said to do it". I've found, with the help of my sister in law and the great folks on here, that there is usually more than one way to get these things accomplished!
Never accept verbal abuse as your due.
My mother doesn't (and never will) see that I'd be doing a lot more for her if she was nicer and easier to get along with. But she'll never change.
The medical monopoly here keeps putting on my mother's medical forms that we have the same address. Corrections don't "stick." I think it's been changed...for now...anyway, that makes it easier for them to push it all off on me when they think this elderly woman isn't going to a house to be all alone.
My husband does things for my mother sometimes. She insists on paying him (not what a professional would charge, but something). She told me that what he does involves SKILL. That was a dig, because I mentioned the dirty "C" (Compensation) word for driving her around and being her home care attendant that time. She has no intention of paying me for work like that.
If she would pay me, I *would* be willing to be her slave again (over a week being her personal care attendant). Agencies charge around $20/hour around here. So if she doesn't want to do that, she can arrange for her own care with agencies. I work for my husband, so I could take the time off and not be penalized. And we could use the money.
She has a trust, with 2 of my 3 brothers as successor trustees. So they would have to handle the money if she couldn't. They are in other states, so I don't know how that would work in arranging agency care, as I couldn't sign anything for financial responsibility.
(BTW, the issue of Medicaid eligibility doesn't apply, as she has LTC insurance and a trust that would not be depleted before she died...of course, never say never, but with her health issues, I don't see it happening!)
My brothers all live out of state. I would love it if my mother would move to be near one of them. Then I could come visit 1-2/year and stay for two days.
Thanks also for the suggestion to read up on dealing with narcissists.
You seem to have forgotten that you are under no obligation to be her hands on caregiver. It's nice that you have in the past because you are a caring person, but with her attitude and unwillingness to compromise its time to remember that you have needs and rights and obligations too.
Don't allow her to treat you like that. If she does, excuse yourself. She will learn that you will not be abused any more. And if she doesn't learn? APS can arrange care for her.
About your brothers...it seems they have already mastered dealing with her by removing themselves from her drama. You cannot control them or make them care for her. only they can decide that for themselves. Make peace with that, it won't change.
Also, read up a bit more on how to deal with a narcissist and start putting into action the tools you learn from that.
Angel
If I told her that she could pay me, she would start yelling or crying or something. And I don't know how I would hold her to it, even if she agreed. ("I never agreed to THAT!")
I guess this is the point where I call my brothers and tell them to get themselves here, so they can be the "anyones" that will take care of her.
(BTW, I would stay with her if she paid me, but I'm sure that would end up with her screaming at me, too.)
I do not like her (she has some features of narcisissm).