I took mom to hospital for depression today. They sent her home! What now?

A couple of words come to mind here - narcissism and boundaries..

It is not healthy for someone to want as much attention as your mum does. Maybe she has a personality disorder.Or maybe, with aging, as sometimes happens, she has become very narcissistic, Maybe she has the beginning of dementia. It sounds like a thorough evaluation is needed. My mother's personality disorder was not diagnosed until a couple of years, She is 99. I had figured it out long ago. Has you mum been like this before in her life?. Mother has had it and narcissism all her life. People knew she was difficult but there was never a diagnosis, nor would she have gone to a doctor for it. She happened to be in hospital and they saw it there. It sounds to me that, in any case, boundaries need to be established as to what you will and will not do for her, what time you need for yourself and for your husband and what you will give to her etc, You need to get rid of the guilt (easier said than done but you have nothing to feel guilty about). Using guilt is manipulation and that is what makes me think of narcissism. With someone who is narcissistic, boundaries are essential. They use FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to stay at the center of attention which is what the narcissist craves. They are huge drama queens. If you google a site daughtersofnarcissisticmothers dot com you will find much that is helpful, and maybe recognize your mother there, and also the kind of games that are being played, and how to not play the games. I would think a frank discussion with her doctor - or may be yours, or a specialist and a thorough evaluation is in order too. Mother would not take meds for it so my only recourse is to distance myself emotionally. She is in an ALF in another city- by her choice and really very well for her age, though has a running list of complaints and demands. All I will respond to is something that, in my opinion, is a real crisis. Do I get told off? Of course, what's new? Am I a dreadful daughter? Apparently I am, and she does not hesitate to tell that to other family members. Does she ignore the fact that I have needs too. and my own health conditions to deal with at the age of 74, so I cannot do what she wants me to (even if I would)? Yes, she ignores that. She would make a world war over her oatmeal not being properly cooked, calls it elder abuse. and wants me to take the ALF to court. Do I need all of this? No! The stress of it in the past few years has affected my health, so my contact with her is limited though I "oversee" her care. She is very well off though she can't see it. I am not responsible for her happiness, nor are you responsible for your mother's happiness or anyone else's. I don't think it is old age per se. There are some very good suggestions from the others. Follow up on all possibilities, so you know what you are dealing with, then take the steps you need to, and I wish you all the luck in the world. You are in a very difficult situation and it is dragging you and your husband down. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!

I don't know ... your mother's behavior could be the result of depression. Or maybe she is narcisstic. For all I know, maybe she has an undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Dementia is a possibility. Yes, it would definitely be good to get an evaluation and a treatment plan.

Whatever she has, you need relief. Don't get so busy arranging for her evaluation, etc. that you overlook arranging for some respite time. You will need that and you certainly deserve it regardless of what your mother's problems are. Like putting your own oxygen mask on and then helping others in an airplane, take care of you first. Nobody benefits if you get a permanent case of the screaing memeeis. And I think the place to start is to get some private time.

I'm in the same boat with my mom. She's good in front of others, but she's been & still is very depressed esp. since Christmas eve. Needless to say xmas was a sad, dark day. I'm an only child with NO help. My mom did attempt suicide in the past (2004), and I found her in time. Now I can't ever trust her again & her severe depression concerns me. I know that if she decides to try and end her life again, it's not my fault. EMJO is correct in all she said! I've read alot about DAUGHTERS OF NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS, and I think reading up on this would explain alot in your situation. You deserve to have privacy and not be an abused caregiver! "Perfect Daughter's" is another awesome book that is helpful. God Bless, Kathy

Are you saying by some miracle your mother suddenly turned off her tears and acted 'normal' at the hospital? If that's the case, then instead of depression, it sounds like your mother ought to win an academy award for best actress. Are you sure she's not 'acting' for your sake at home? I mean either a person is depressed or not right? Which is she REALLY? Whining at home for your attention because she's depressed, or is she just an expert at manipulation?

Save yourself and your marriage by setting some boundaries. You see the game she is playing with her emotional blackmail tactics. Let her dance her dance, but you don't have to dance with her. Does she really need you there 24/7? I imagine that your husband would like to have his wife back as much as you would like to have your life back. Is getting a therapist to help you not be so vulnerable to your mother pushing your buttons? I wish you well in seeing that your mom is safe and taken care of without having yourself and your marriage thrown under the bus.

My grandma does this. She's not depressed, but she pretends she's charming when she's really a very difficult person.

I myself have had depression since I was a teenager. When I would go to the psychiatrist, I would pretend nothing was wrong. My explanation was that I forgot what happened. Your mother probably thinks nothing's wrong. She probably thinks the doctor's wrong about his assessment.

I know also about being hospitalized for psychiatric illness. I was hospitalized myself. With depression, as long as the person is not a danger to him/herself, or to other people, there is no obligation to keep the person hospitalized. If your mother is a danger to herself, you must take her to the hospital. If she is lying when she gets there, that is not good enough, because she is still a danger to herself.

If the hospital seriously did not accept her based solely on her word alone, tell your doctor. And then take her to another hospital with a good reputation for treatment and assessment of mental illness. This is unacceptable.

Hmmm ... I know that people with dementia can often hold it together at an office visit or in front of relatives for a few hours and seem normal. There is even a name for this -- it is called showtiming. I don't know whether it applies to depression, but I wouldn't be surprised. Naheaton, showtimers do indeed seem to have amazing acting skills. But none of them can sustain that for more than a few hours, and evenutally those with dementia can't pull it off at all.

I'm puzzled about why Mom was sent to a hospital. Was she threatening suicide (or homicide)? Was there some emergency related to her depression? It would seem to me more common to refer someone with the symptoms you describe to a psychiatrist and/or a mental health counselor. A geriatric psychiatrist might be an appropriate choice. She needs to see someone who is qualitifed to assess her situation and prescribe a course of treatment. I'm just puzzled why that would have to be in a hospital. Perhaps there is more to this than you wrote about.

If she can get some treatment that is effective, maybe she will not need to be a shadow permanently attached to you. That would be a good outcome, and worth working toward. Or maybe that is not going to happen.

What I think you need to do is arrange to have some private time. You need to take care of yourself and of your marriage. If Mom can't afford to pay for in-home care, spend some energy researching what assistance programs she is eligible for. I'd say do that now. If she gets treatment that helps her be less dependent, that is a bonus. But don't wait for that.

Good luck to all of you.

I really think your situation is quite common, especially when we have a parent or elderly person living with us. What are your mother's interests? It would be nice if you could help her find something that she could look forward to on her own...something to give her a purpose. Some new friends, perhaps? It is not easy to be the extra person in any situation..I suspect that this is part of the frustration that you mother is feeling. My mother used to get depressed ( mainly because she had to give up her little house and live with me) she missed it and blamed me of course. Being old and having to live with someone else is frightening and almost the end of the world for the one going through it. We have to keep this in mind when dealing with the elderly. Mother got as she called it "blue"...She would get depressed..but her doc gave her some meds that helped her a lot. While I am not into taking lots of meds I do feel that no one should be suffering when there are meds that can help. And if taken along with other measures to keep one interested in life, hobbies, friends, And plenty of love and hugs at home, etc. I think they are a Gift from God. ...they can help put a smile on a sad little face. If I were you ...I would take my mother to another doctor as it does not appear that she is getting the best treatment for her health and well being. I have worked with seniors my whole life and I know so many happy, seniors (they all have various ailments) who are having the time of their lives...I challenge anyone who says that depression is about old age!!! You have to find what is the underlying problem that is causing her tears. Did they check her thyroid? I am not criticizing or anything...just throwing some suggestions out there for you to consider. We do not know the heart of another and it bothers me so much when we often do not give the elderly the benefit of the doubt even if they can be rascals...there is always that possiblity that their tears and acting up has a medical reason behind it.
I admire you for taking care of your mother. You are are an angel. One day you will look back and be glad that you were there for your mother. I took care of my mother who had alzheimer's ..she passed away in 2009. There were times I feared that I would not make it another day...but some how I always managed to come through. I learned a lot about unconditional love and today I am so thankful that I hung in there with her. II often think about the fact that we are all heading in the same direction..I cannot help but.wonder how we will be acting when we have to look old age in the face?? Might we be tearful? How would we like to be treated...I say this because I notice how the doctors and everyone else seem to talk over the heads of a lot of the elderly patients just as though they were't there. I think it is important to keep the elderly actively involved in their life. I hope that I have given you some things to think about that could perhaps help a little.
Many hugs for you dear...just do your best, that is all you can do. Please do try and find some healing time for yourself. This is so important and I can see it will be a challenge for you...but make it happen. Do some meditation...it really helps to energize and relax you. Much love and blessings to you and I will say a prayer for you and your family. God less you! Bobbi Henderson

I agree set boundaries and let her know your own family -your husband needs you to be there for him-I think taking her to a nurologist is the best option and he might be able to perscrib her some meds that would calm her down-and I would call her doc and tell him what happened at the hospital and call the head of the ER and report how they blew you off and why. You do need to try to change her behaivors or you will be getting sick-it is not your job to make her happy-if there is a senior center in the area try to get her involved but I have a feeling she will balk at this idea-she likes to get you upset and have you give all your attention to her-it works for her so you need to counter that with what works for you for a change-she will not be happy not having you all to herself-but you are not happy now-good luck-try it once-not meeting her immediate demand and when it works it will be easier the next time and you will feel like you are in control and that is what you need.

Amen to boundaries -she WANTS to be with you all the time, not NEEDS. It is so important to distinguish between the wants and the needs when dealing with someone like this. Decide what you can and want to do, and what you will not do, what time you need for yourself, work on giving up the guilt - it is what she uses to get you to do what she wants, learn about detaching emotionally. It sounds like your mum has become narcissistic -it happens to some as they get older, and some have it all their lives. You can't go on like this, and only you can make the necessary changes. Ask your husband for support in making the needed changes in your own choices, Good luck!