The specific thing is, she asked me to get her a new mattress, I did, and it was delivered today. She says it is too high. when my husband tried to adjust the height, it is too low. If something is not perfect, then it is garbage, that is how she thinks. If something is not exactly the way she wants it, she has no thanks to give. She thinks this is reasonable, I think it is hurtful. I always try to please her and do as she wants, but it is never good enough. I have to step back from her somehow, give her the help she needs but not do things I just know aren't going to work, even if she asks me. I don't know.
xoxo
-SS
If she just likes to complain, then just let her complain and let it go in one ear and out the other. Sometimes people just like to be heard. Maybe she likes the attention she gets from complaining and having you guys there to help her. If this is the case, explain to her that you tried really hard to get her the best mattress you could and hopefully she'll sleep well on it, then see if she wants to go do an activity with you or something.
Whatever the case, don't take it personally. She is going to need you more and more and this isn't the time to hold grudges or resentment. Just do your best.
It still hurts, mom is dying, I provide the majority of her care, and still hear what a angel my younger brother is, how happy she is that her other son calls her almost every day, a word of Thanks would be nice to hear, but ain't happening, when I am there it's do this, do that etc...not asking me to do this or that, telling me to do this or that. Sometimes I feel like telling her I am not her servant and don't deserve to be treated like one.
Before her illness, I would limit the time I would spend with her, I could not be there for long to preserve my mental health.. If you have anyone available to give you a break for a couple of hours, or for a day, get them to do so, and go and do something nice for yourself. Even if it is nothing more than hiding out in a park, a mall, etc..
The nicest thing I get to do for me at the moment is a few hours of solid sleep. I know it sounds mean and spiteful, etc... But when all is said and done, I am planning a trip with my husband for a couple of months. Just need to get out of here for a while.
Dealing with a person who has dementia is a very, very different situation. Persons with this kind of damage to their brains are like children in many ways. But a significant difference is that the person with dementia does not have the capacity to learn. They may not even remember that you were there yesterday, let alone that you left when their behavior was unacceptable. It may well be good for you to leave -- for your sake -- but no one can promise that will have any impact at all on their future behavior.
Again, your advice is good, and I'm glad it is working for dealing with your mother who has mobility problems. For others who might be reading this, this probably doesn't apply to persons who have dementia, except perhaps in the very earliest stage.
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