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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Dear tracichudej, you tell our story, and I am so thankful you posted on this site! We, too, have experienced some of what you write. My mother called the police on me after verbally and physically attacking me. She called all her friends, and they don't even want to listen to me, and she's got a lawyer she pays $$$$$ so she can have her way. Recently she got a new guardian and conservator who will care for her. This is part of God's protection for me and my family... I do NOT recommend guardianship or anything to do with the Probate Court. My mom will now lose everything from my parent's estate to paying the lawyers for her cognitive issues. You need sound legal advice. It is your husband's responsibility to care for her, and that doesn't mean your house. Do not sacrifice yourself or loved ones for her. She needs help and so do you. You are NOT the one with mental issues and hers need to be evaluated by a competent professional. Not all are competent.
The advice the ladies have given to you has been so wonderful and encouraging. I would add that you need to protect yourself and your children above all else. I just read the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," and it is right on target for you, too. It will help you. I ordered it online. You may want to video tape your mother's episodes, and tape her conversations. This is your protection against "her word against yours."
I have learned everything the hard way, and too late. So now the system is taking over and I can't stop that. Understanding helps me move on, knowing that my mom's basic needs are being cared for. She wouldn't work with us. No matter what good things we did for her, she always criticized and complained. That is part of their mental illness. Now I'm trying to extricate myself from her clutches and regain the peace we had in our little family. Caring for mom took me away from being a loving and nurturing mom to my little boy. He needs his mommy, and I can't be mommy to both. I owe it to my husband and son and to God to look after that little boy and raise him safely.
My mom needs help, but refuses to comply or be evaluated by professionals. Rather, she finds people who want to ignore my observations and reports, enable her in her paranoia and ODC and Personality Disorders. The courts are responsible for her now, at her request. She doesn't realize what she's done, nor how much we tried to save her from.
Remember this, few people will understand what you've been through. The few that do are the ones who are encouraging you here, and some professionals who understand all about mental illness. Listen well and follow their advice. And definitely protect yourself and children. Go to BPD Central for online support groups, and get the help you need for you and your family asap!!!!! Don't be a statistic. Taking care of someone doesn't always mean it has to be in your home where you sacrifice everything to them. Just make sure their needs are met in an honoring way, and she gets the professional help she needs. Doing nothing only makes matters worse. And they do get worse without intervention.
So glad you posted this thread. Please keep us posted on how things go.
good for you. You now see how these folks can manipulate the socks off of us.
I have a Power of Attorney for my mom. About a year into it I found a older lady attorney whe explained it so well to mom. It was an emotional moment and we all cried.
I've seen some great suggestions here. Protect yourself and your children.
This aint the movies and that deathbed promise you made to your father in law could be forgiven you know. He knew she was a nightmare and I'm sure deep down would not want his son, wife and grandchildren suffer through this.
I will tell you this. I love my mom like I said but if I had this to do again and I knew how hard it was going to be (5+ years) and how much of my health I would lose over this, I would have placed my mom a long time ago for the good of both of us.
Now we are on the other side of a lot of heartbreak and hard work. We both have our routine and we are calm and it's not so bad because the dementia has taken the broken personality away and what is left is a sweet lady.
While you're waiting for everything to start happening, get locks for your bedroom doors. And some duct tape if it gets too out of hand!!
Thank you for the support. Yes he has been around her a long time but his dad always protected her is what we are begining to understand. Yes, I will allow my husband to handle the situation. This has been so helpful. I thought I was the crazy one, selfish and completely uncaring for feeling like I was in danger and wanting my children to be protected. Thank you all so much
Maybe your husband -her son has to be the one to get help for her it sounds like she has you all in a very bad situation -could you and your daughter go and stay with someone-family or friends and let her son do something so you do not have to live in fear the way you are now-I am really worried about you and your child-your husband probably can take care of himself but you need to protect yourself and your child esp. since your husband does not seem to be in any hurry to do it or he would have before things got so out of hand.
The PET Team will notify DPSS, Dept of Social Services. Believe me they're aware of the games people play. Listen to your husband, isn't it his mother. He's been around her a lot longer than you.
But believe me, I know it's easier to say than to do. I'm sure more suggestions will follow.
No the deupties are wonderful and leave it up to us. She usually switches to the "poor me" mode when they arrive and jsut threatens us with the whole "big trouble" and to "sue" us. Then she cries and says she is so depressed and needs "daddy" my father in law who died. She switches to pitiful and my heart breaks then they leave and she gets mad again. She palys me very well. My husband is more then ready to have her evaluated.
By all means when it comes to our children, it's out job to protect them. Things are hard enough out in their world let alone home situations coming up short.
I'd have to agree with Austin. They do have what can be deemed as a 5150 meaning they are a danger to themselves and others. It's hard to believe the deputies aren't taking more action but believe me if you do not think they are doing what they SHOULD be doing you can always call the station and ask for the Watch Commander and explain the situation to he or she. That's the person in command of the field officers. The can call what's called the PET (Psychiatric Evaluation team) to haul her away and evaluate her. I'd suggest you do that every time.
Your kids don't need that xtra stress at home, and neither do you.
Are you able to place her in a facility? Do you have a POA? Any siblings? It sounds like she's incompetent and a danger to herself and to you and your family.
Why are you calling 911?
Call the attorneys yourself and tell them what's up and to not take her calls.
Meds meds meds and you have to hand them out...she cannot take them herself.
My mother was the queen nightmare when I first had to intervene in her life 5+ years ago. It was heartbreaking, gross, and stressful beyond anything I have ever experienced. I was amazed.
I didn't realize what dementia was at first. Even after expert diagnoses, witnessing my mom's behavior and my research verifying the diagnoses and my observations, It tood a doctor who, after I complained about mom's behavior, snapped at me: She's demented. What do you expect?
That was a moment because I replayed it over and over in my mind and that was the beginning of my understanding that my mother's 'noise' no longer mattered, nothing mattered except figuring out the best way to diagnose and bring under control the situation. I love my mom very much or I wouldn't be able to do this, but it took a lot of tough love to get her to where she was content and happy and not stressing us all out. We do get grossed out on a regular basis, but that's another topic.
My mom was toxic with her acting out and threatening, for almost 2 years, calling her friends (who were stupid enough to believe her) and telling them how I was 'taking over' and 'making it worse' Adult Services actually came over. It ended up scaring her more than it did me. I was of the opinion that if someone else wanted to take care of this witch with her nasty personality maybe it would be for the best and I had to let mom know it. Mom didn't want a state retirement and calmed down.
The Adult Services person sized up the situation quickly and realized that mom was acting out and after a very short time, left. I took that opportunity to become very proactive and NOT let mom do whatever she wanted. I told her to her face many times that if she didn't want to go to a facility she was going to have to be pleasant to live with. Period. She was out of her mind and it didn't happen overnight but she did become pleasant to be with and I am thankful.
What meds is your mom on? It's fear based dementia behavior! When we started my mom on Namenda the change in her was immediate. She mellowed considerably with only sporadic outbursts and these days has no outbursts at all except for sticking her lip out and making a puss every now and again.
the dementia has progressed and mom has other issues such as getting to the head on time and making sure I feed her 7 times a day. I swear she has a hollow leg. Those little applesauce cups and yogurt cups, pudding, you name it come in real handy. I used food to calm mom down in the beginning and now I just had her little things like the above throughout the course fo the day. It makes her feel safe and loved.
Your mom thinks the world is evil because she's demented. My mom went through the evil phase. Anything you do you have to remember: she's DEMENTED so she's going to do demented things. It's not going to make sense so you do what you have to do to make it make sense for you and your family. Our moms think that we are only here for them but that was another thing I kept saying to my mom is that this is NOT just about you. It's affecting all of us and I have to make decisions based on all of us.
Good luck and we hope you get control of the situation.
This site is full of people who have experienced everything so you will get a lot of info.
I have not pushed, I am always afraid its me that I am just not trying hard enough, that I need to be more patient. I promised my father-in-law before he died that I would care for her. Today though I am starting to see that I have allowed her too much freedom. I dont think she should have ever had any but she hid medical records etc and when we would take off to take her to appointments she would cancel them. Now we are actively engaged because she is so bad at times. It is very hard and very sad and weighs heavily on my heart. I do fear her, I fear with her obsession of "the end time" and the "devil" that when she thinks the kids and I are evil that she really could take our lives. Thank you for your comments, it is so helpful to talk about it.
I think it is time for something drastic to be done I would call anybody who might be able to help you get her out of your house-it sounds like she lives there and if she does live alone someone has to step in apparntly the deputies are not helping it sounds like a crisis situation have you called 911 and reported her if she lives with you you might have leave the house and call someone to get her into a hospital situaition like a mental health clinic is does not sound like you are safe from this women.
Yes we are starting to talk to doctors, and seek guidance. She typically refuses care and the deputys always leave it up to us and I never press the behaivor but the "episodes" are getting closer and closer together.
Mom is actually my mother-in-law. For many years I thought she was just very stubborn and yet had a big heart. there is a history of bipolar but she has not been diagnosed I dont think. We are just now starting to find out what is wrong with her. We have been talking to doctors etc. She is depressed, suffers anxiety, and is extreme OCD. Today we found out that to complicate things she is not capable of learning new things because of low intelligence. I am so distraught, I love her, I want to take care of her but she truly hurting my children because everything is a fight, she is unable to make decisions and when she does make one she changes her mind multiple times and calls people over and over again trying to find out "something". The other side of her is so sweet and innocent but when she attacks it is hard to take. I am 37 and I think there is alot of years ahead. She doesnt want us "butting" in on her care and she seems unable to understand that we cant just pay for everything. I dont let her pay for much except her basic needs because she forgets she spent the money. We have no idea where her moeny is and dont want to know but then again I want her to have the things she needs but she obbsessed with storing things for the end of the world and wants another storage building to store water in and more food, cat litter and cat food. She doesnt do much socially except talk on the phone and go to the store multiple times buying enough food to feed a small town for a couple of years. When we tell her no to something she gets angry then says we are fighting with her and eventaully her cat gets sick and its my fault almost always and she spends thousands and thousands to save the cat. Very difficult.
Thank you for reading, I am moving towards depression myself and my 15 year old is so upset all the time that we are going to start counseling. She seems to resent me and the kids. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I want to help her and I dont want to see her in a nursing home but it is very difficult.
You most likely reported her behaivior to her MD if nothing else could take her to an ER to get her assesd or maybe even call the police because she is threatening your family if she acts like this with EMT's they would take her to a physh department and it would be out of your hands it sounds like she needs serious help -please continue on this site there are so many caring supportive people here who want to help you.
I'm not trying to be funny but can you go into a little more detail about your mom and your circumstances.
I'm new to this site but I've learned a tremendous amount from these caring and most informative people who respond and if you can be a little more specific, I'm sure you'll find a lot of helpful advise here too.
She fakes attacks of not being able to breathe when we tell her she cant do things like climb on the roof, or put her leg on the tail pipe of the car or have a space heater because my insurance does not cover it, she just says we could get in big trouble. We dont always give in but when we have called 9-1-1 she threatens to sue and calls attorneys because we are not respecting her. She has overdosed on neurotin and attacked me for not letting her open my mail. She tells me I am neglecting her when I work, I work out of my home and she keeps me from working and she gets very upset when I tell her she can't bother me. Its draining on us. We seem to just have adopted a let her do whatever she wants to avoid the complaints attitude because there is no reasoning with her she is not capable of understanding. I dont know what to do, I cant make her not do things and I am terrified she is going to hurt herself or kill all of us because she thinks the world is evil.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
The advice the ladies have given to you has been so wonderful and encouraging. I would add that you need to protect yourself and your children above all else. I just read the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," and it is right on target for you, too. It will help you. I ordered it online. You may want to video tape your mother's episodes, and tape her conversations. This is your protection against "her word against yours."
I have learned everything the hard way, and too late. So now the system is taking over and I can't stop that. Understanding helps me move on, knowing that my mom's basic needs are being cared for. She wouldn't work with us. No matter what good things we did for her, she always criticized and complained. That is part of their mental illness. Now I'm trying to extricate myself from her clutches and regain the peace we had in our little family. Caring for mom took me away from being a loving and nurturing mom to my little boy. He needs his mommy, and I can't be mommy to both. I owe it to my husband and son and to God to look after that little boy and raise him safely.
My mom needs help, but refuses to comply or be evaluated by professionals. Rather, she finds people who want to ignore my observations and reports, enable her in her paranoia and ODC and Personality Disorders. The courts are responsible for her now, at her request. She doesn't realize what she's done, nor how much we tried to save her from.
Remember this, few people will understand what you've been through. The few that do are the ones who are encouraging you here, and some professionals who understand all about mental illness. Listen well and follow their advice. And definitely protect yourself and children. Go to BPD Central for online support groups, and get the help you need for you and your family asap!!!!! Don't be a statistic. Taking care of someone doesn't always mean it has to be in your home where you sacrifice everything to them. Just make sure their needs are met in an honoring way, and she gets the professional help she needs. Doing nothing only makes matters worse. And they do get worse without intervention.
So glad you posted this thread. Please keep us posted on how things go.
good for you. You now see how these folks can manipulate the socks off of us.
I have a Power of Attorney for my mom. About a year into it I found a older lady attorney whe explained it so well to mom. It was an emotional moment and we all cried.
I've seen some great suggestions here. Protect yourself and your children.
This aint the movies and that deathbed promise you made to your father in law could be forgiven you know. He knew she was a nightmare and I'm sure deep down would not want his son, wife and grandchildren suffer through this.
I will tell you this. I love my mom like I said but if I had this to do again and I knew how hard it was going to be (5+ years) and how much of my health I would lose over this, I would have placed my mom a long time ago for the good of both of us.
Now we are on the other side of a lot of heartbreak and hard work. We both have our routine and we are calm and it's not so bad because the dementia has taken the broken personality away and what is left is a sweet lady.
While you're waiting for everything to start happening, get locks for your bedroom doors. And some duct tape if it gets too out of hand!!
Kidding.....
Hang in there.
Bobbie
But believe me, I know it's easier to say than to do. I'm sure more suggestions will follow.
I'd have to agree with Austin. They do have what can be deemed as a 5150 meaning they are a danger to themselves and others. It's hard to believe the deputies aren't taking more action but believe me if you do not think they are doing what they SHOULD be doing you can always call the station and ask for the Watch Commander and explain the situation to he or she. That's the person in command of the field officers. The can call what's called the PET (Psychiatric Evaluation team) to haul her away and evaluate her. I'd suggest you do that every time.
Your kids don't need that xtra stress at home, and neither do you.
Keep us posted.
Do you have a POA? Any siblings? It sounds like she's incompetent and a danger to herself and to you and your family.
Why are you calling 911?
Call the attorneys yourself and tell them what's up and to not take her calls.
Meds meds meds and you have to hand them out...she cannot take them herself.
My mother was the queen nightmare when I first had to intervene in her life 5+ years ago. It was heartbreaking, gross, and stressful beyond anything I have ever experienced. I was amazed.
I didn't realize what dementia was at first. Even after expert diagnoses, witnessing my mom's behavior and my research verifying the diagnoses and my observations, It tood a doctor who, after I complained about mom's behavior, snapped at me: She's demented. What do you expect?
That was a moment because I replayed it over and over in my mind and that was the beginning of my understanding that my mother's 'noise' no longer mattered, nothing mattered except figuring out the best way to diagnose and bring under control the situation. I love my mom very much or I wouldn't be able to do this, but it took a lot of tough love to get her to where she was content and happy and not stressing us all out. We do get grossed out on a regular basis, but that's another topic.
My mom was toxic with her acting out and threatening, for almost 2 years, calling her friends (who were stupid enough to believe her) and telling them how I was 'taking over' and 'making it worse' Adult Services actually came over. It ended up scaring her more than it did me. I was of the opinion that if someone else wanted to take care of this witch with her nasty personality maybe it would be for the best and I had to let mom know it. Mom didn't want a state retirement and calmed down.
The Adult Services person sized up the situation quickly and realized that mom was acting out and after a very short time, left. I took that opportunity to become very proactive and NOT let mom do whatever she wanted. I told her to her face many times that if she didn't want to go to a facility she was going to have to be pleasant to live with. Period. She was out of her mind and it didn't happen overnight but she did become pleasant to be with and I am thankful.
What meds is your mom on? It's fear based dementia behavior! When we started my mom on Namenda the change in her was immediate. She mellowed considerably with only sporadic outbursts and these days has no outbursts at all except for sticking her lip out and making a puss every now and again.
the dementia has progressed and mom has other issues such as getting to the head on time and making sure I feed her 7 times a day. I swear she has a hollow leg. Those little applesauce cups and yogurt cups, pudding, you name it come in real handy. I used food to calm mom down in the beginning and now I just had her little things like the above throughout the course fo the day. It makes her feel safe and loved.
Your mom thinks the world is evil because she's demented. My mom went through the evil phase. Anything you do you have to remember: she's DEMENTED so she's going to do demented things. It's not going to make sense so you do what you have to do to make it make sense for you and your family. Our moms think that we are only here for them but that was another thing I kept saying to my mom is that this is NOT just about you. It's affecting all of us and I have to make decisions based on all of us.
Good luck and we hope you get control of the situation.
This site is full of people who have experienced everything so you will get a lot of info.
you can do this,
Bobbie
Thank you for reading, I am moving towards depression myself and my 15 year old is so upset all the time that we are going to start counseling. She seems to resent me and the kids. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I want to help her and I dont want to see her in a nursing home but it is very difficult.
I'm new to this site but I've learned a tremendous amount from these caring and most informative people who respond and if you can be a little more specific, I'm sure you'll find a lot of helpful advise here too.