My mother lives with my husband and I, but we want out. How can we get our lives back?

Any of the three options you mentioned would help. I am not sure assisted living would take her as she seems to need a lot of medical attention. You may want to try in-home help from an agency to get her used to other people taking care of her, and then look at nursing homes. This could destroy your health and/or your marriage. You do need to take some action.
Carol

Thank you, for your comments. You are right about assisted living. I checked those out that we have in town, although they have 24 hour nursing care, mother needs more care than they offer. I think I'll start with in-home care a few days a week. If my husband and I had some time away from this once in awhile, we might be able to handle it longer. My husband and I are having health problems and marriage problems. Our grown children are upset with us because we can't even go visit them now like we would like to do. I'll probably be emailing again. Thank you once again.

Hi djnorris. I am all for in-home care for as long as possible but I can sure understand you wanting to change the situation. From what I have learned on here, if you can find a place that will be good for your mother (the best match you can find) then that is what you have to do and feel okay doing it. I'm not saying it will be easy by any means. I do agree that some in-home care would be beneficial first, while you are looking. And please don't feel guilty. You are trying to make the best of a terrible and unpleasant situation. Hope this helps. Hugs to you.
miz

Oh I bet a lot of us here know what you mean. My mom has no real serious health issues except the one she want to dramatize...(learned that the hard way)....I started with home caregivers. You may want to try that...even to get out of the house for a little while - while they are there! ;-)

We have someone come in three times a week for two hours a day (four hours when we are not here) I go to water aerobics and that helps a ton. Certainly feeling trapped is common among us, it sucks! But I am not sure what else there is to do.

TRAPPED is an understatement!

My mother at 92 lived with us for 2 years before I read that assisted livings offer respite care .We found one nearby where she stayed for 2 weeks whilst we travelled. It was critical to keep my marriage safe.It took a broken ankle to persuade me to look into a full time residence for her and she had a happy 3 years of independent living.When she was 96 we had to provide extra 4 hrs nursing daily to keep her comfortable but eventually she had to move into a nursing home where she deteriorated rapidly and passed away after 9 months.

I hired a caregiver to come 5 days a week to start with, from 7:30 am until 12:30pm. She gets her up, gives her a shower, rolls her hair, fixes and feeds her breakfast and lunch, and sits her on the commode every 2 hours. She visits with her and watches TV so my mom is less lonely. Mom still gets to eat all her favorite foods too. Meanwhile, my husband and I can go for a walk, out to breakfast or an early lunch, to the grocery store or Walmart and we are getting along so much better!! The other hours in the day that I can't leave are much better. It takes her entire Social Security check, but her brother helps with her meds, food and other needs. If you don't want to put her in a nursing home it sure is a great choice. Want to mention, my mom's doctor put her on a medicine that helps with the diabetic fainting autonomic system disorder so she faints less now. All of this plan works until it takes two people to lift her for bedtime or potty time, because unless your husband will help lift her, you will probably need a nursing home at that point.

Many of us want our lives back however we cannot predict the future. Who would have ever thought this would happen to our parents, and we learn as we go reading, studying, and trying to do what we can to make our situations suitable.

Sometimes I find myself asking God "who is this woman, and where is my REAL mother" but this is the hand I've been dealt, and this is the hand that I will play.

It doesn't get easier, we just adapt and grow within our own experiences. We all want our lives back, but I wonder now what I'll do when I get it!

Problem is this generation for some reason did no planning for retirement and retirement villages etc. In my case my parents never did any of it and just assumed I would be their babysitter and never once asked me about it just assumed. I tell my mom I have no children there is no one I can lean back and fall upon.....I have to make these types of decisions for the upcoming future.

Did any of your parents plan or discuss this time in their lives with you?

Did any of your parents have to care for their parents?

Pirate there's a thread about those who are caregivers and have seen their parents take care of their grandparents on here. Interesting results too.

My mom told me about 4 years ago that she never thought she would get old. That was something when she said that, it blew my mind.

Tell you one thing though I've begun putting more money in my savings since my mom's gotten sick. I do without all the little things I thought I couldn't live without and I make do.
I'm sving for that rainy day because we never know when it will come.

Yeah and how much more it will be then!

There are nursing homes that take people for a limited time. So try a few days here and there, or a few weeks, knowing that some day you will leave her there. She can get used to the staff, and perhaps something will happen there that strains even the resources of the nursing home staff. Or you can have them overly dramatize some event, and then have a planned conversation with the nursing home director in front of her that her current condition is way beyond what you can handle.

I should talk, I fight tooth and nail to keep mom at home, and am very resourceful at overcoming each new challenge.

You definitely need to make other arrangements for your mother with you and your husband feeling as you do. Resentment will continue to grow and it will be bad for all. It does get hard at times, but I think that I will know when I can't handle it anymore. It seems that you have reached that point and it is time to make a change. Your mother will probably be happier also, because she can probably feel and sense the tension.

I stumbled upon a good alternative to in-home care one day on the internet. Mom now goes to a nearby Adult Day Care Center two days a week. At first she hated it (and me) for sending her there. Now, she loves it! Gets up and gets her self ready to go on the days she knows she goes, the same two days each week. It gets her out and I have two days to get errands done, go to doctor appointments, or just do what I want to do! The one she goes to is part of a Presbyterian Nursing Home and the ladies who work there are angels! They love my Mom and they provide lunch, snacks, and crafts, TV, music, jigsaw puzzles, etc. One last bonus, it is a lot less expensive than what I was paying for in-home care at around $50 a day.

Good luck!
CGDaughter

Dear DJ - Sorry to hear of your plight but I completely understand and have been in the same boat myself. No one's answered your direct question: where do you find information so here goes:If you need help understanding everything your mom will need, making decisions or understanding financial assistance available for families contact your county Area Agency on Aging. Explain your situation, Mom's condition and that you can't care for Mom at home much longer. Your state department of Health may also have information online or in brochures. If you have a specific nursing home in mind, contact their social services office or admissions rep. They deal with things like this all the time and should be able to give you guidance. Based on my personal experience, here's some more advice: 1. Keep asking questions until you're satisfied you have as much information as possible. 2. Don't let anyone make you feel like a pain in the rear. They will act that way sometimes but it's because people in these fields are REALLY overworked and just have too much to do. Don't take things personally. 3. Be sure to take care of yourself during this process. Even though it feels like you're just doing the same old things, it IS VERY STRESSFUL. Remember that it all seems emotionally painful right now but once your mom is settled, it will seem worth it. 4. Don't let guilty feelings creep in. I guarantee you'll feel guilty for moving her. You'll feel guilty each time you visit and then walk out the door leaving her there and you'll feel guilty at home over the sense of relief and freedom you feel. It's natural and it's human. You need to hear from your friends and family that you did the right think - tell this to yourself, to your spouse and your kids often and ask that they tell you. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING for your Mom. That's what good daughters and sons do. Our parents did the hard things when raising us - time outs, grounding, sending us to our rooms, teaching lessons and all that - it was not easy. Now it's our turn to do the hard things and they do love us for it, they just can't show it. Good luck!

DJ.

I hear your pain over your elderly mother's terrible health; your husband being upset with you because of how you let your mother control you; the anger your grown children have about not getting to see you; leaving your house of 43 years to come live with your mother so she would not have to go to the nursing home; and being in such a pickle due to lack of backbone as you described it in a post on another thread back on December 18, 2009 which has led to the pain of not having a life; your own health not doing well along with a marriage in trouble.

It sounded like from one post on another thread from February 18 that plans were beginning to be made for a change. That was almost a month ago. Have plans been made? I'm glad to see that you are thinking about staring with in home care a few days a week. I also noticed a comment on another thread about having the names of two sitting services but not ever being brave enough to call.

I went back over other posts to help me get a big picture of what is going on. What I'm reading in the above paragraph are symptoms of being depressed over things which is very understandable; being fearful of your mother who controls you because she pushes your buttons which she put in there when you were a little girl; obligated to keep her out of the nursing home at any costs (notice part of the reasoning for getting in house care is to be able to continue caring for her at home which given all of the dynamics does not sound reasonable to me); and guilty for thinking as well as planning to do something different for her care than right now plus a sense of guilt over your marriage, possibly over leaving your home, and over not getting to see your children and grandchildren.

I understand your hating confrontation and try not making waves, but just staying frustrated about it all and complaining to your husband, but controlling him from doing anything is not getting anyone the help they need and such codependency while trying to keep everyone happy with you ends up making no one happy.

My mother who is now 78 lived at home with seizures for several years under the care of a neurologist and last year she just had to go to the nursing home. She's been on Depakote and that dosage has been doubled which means she sleeps a whole lot.

While I don't really like confrontation, I don't hate it and have had to become more proactive with relatives, etc. in dealing with my mother's declining health and the terrible financial situation she and her husband allowed and kept a secret for 6 years.

So, I offer the following action steps.

1. You and your husband see your primary physician to get something for depression and possibly also anxiety for yourself. Why? Because I think you need this to get you moving through this current crisis.

2. Ask your mother's primary care physician to write up an order for home health care. Why? Because with such an order Medicare will pay part of your mother's home health care expenses.

3. Ask the home health care person to do an evaluation of the situation and tell you what they think needs to be done. Why? Because you need an outside, objective, professional opinion.

4. Find a certified sitting service who can come in during these transitional days to free you up to both take a break and work on some other things related to this.

5. If the home health person suggests skilled nursing like a nursing home (which would not surprise me), then use the energy and time that home heath care. You will need to know about all of your mother's financial and insurance reasources for this.

6. If you don't already have both durable and medical power of atty, you will need to get these two soon if that is possible. After you get them, I'd have the neurologist evaluate your mother's competency level and get him to sign a noterized document to that effect just in case you ever need it.

7. To begin getting past the F.O.G, (Fear Obligation and Guilt), it will require some personal therapy from a real therapist (which I'm not) like a liscened clinical social worker.

8. While getting relief from the immediate situation will help your marriage, I suspect there are issues remaining that also need counseling which maybe someone like a pastor or such could handle.

9. If at any point in this, you see a need to ask your adult children to help you get something done, then by all means ask them.

10. In this transitional time where the adult child in some sense of the word is like a parent to their aging parent, one crucial outlook is needed which for some takes counseling to really get a hold of and a support group to keep. You yourself, your mother, your husband, your grown children, and your teenage grandchildren will all be helped by you not emotionally reverting back to being your mother's little girl, but by being your mother's adult child. This is not always easy, but you don't get backbone by waiting for it.

11. Please stop shooting yourself in the foot by thinking it is easier in a sense to just give in, stay frustrated, and complaining. Instead chose to make a plan. Tell yourself and others this is what you will, shall do and other active type verbal statements like I can, I am able, etc., instead of I might or I know I ought to , or I probably will or I'm starting to begin thing about possibly making plans. You do have the power of choice and using that power of choice is the responsible, adult thing to do which is really needed right now.

12. After this immediate crisis is over by getting yourself the help you need and your mother the adequate care she needs, then you and your husband each will better prepare your grown children for your own journey by going to a lawyer with whomever you choose and grant them durable and medical POA for each of you.

I sincerely hope this helps and I had no idea I'd come up with 12 steps.

Take care and keep in touch.

Wow, Crowemagnum, terrific answer.

I am going to throw something into the pot here, not necessarily pertaining to any one of the original posters. One may even find this behavior trait in parents. I've certainly caught myself doing it.

You mentioned that the OP (original poster) really didn't post what was going on, the new decisions made, new directions considered.

The following is from the biography of a psychologist friend of mine, published after his death many years ago. The interviewer asked him what did he consider the impossible cases he'd worked with over the years.

One would think he'd respond "chronic alcoholics" or "extreme bipolar," but it was more common than that. What really got his goat, that he found intolerable, were those clients who were bent on persuading him to jump into their story. Rather than take his excellent advice, offered week after week, the client would intensify and dramatize their story to hook him into it. They wanted him to be an ally, a great authority figure to fight for their side of the story.

Sometimes one can tell when someone just wants to vent, and won't accept advice (that's when I offer to break God's kneecaps on their behalf...all apologies to the Christians on this list). They just want someone to ack how BAD it is for them and how much they are suffering. "Wow, what an awful thing you have gone through. That sucks MAJOR!" So advice is not always welcome sometimes. However, if they continue with the rant week after week, and make no changes, then the venting is turning into manipulation. And you wonder why you begin to be pissed off at this person and shun them.

My friend the shrink called this manipulative behavior "bear trapping."

I must say that Pamela's thread "giving up on both my mother and my sister"...she's taken a lot of advice, tried different things, altered her direction. The situation still sucks, sounds like, but at least she's trying things out.

Alz...I have seen someone do that as well on a blog ...go on and on and on...and no matter how much advice was thrown they would REPEAT the same stuff in a blog over and over and over ......the operative word here was repeat.

It is fine to try to save for your future but do not go overbard and not use your money for some enjoyment-my husband thought that was the way to go but when he needed to be on medicaide in order to go into a nursing home they were planning to take most of what we had put into savings in order to get accepted so all our hard work of putting money away was of no help there is a 5 yrs look back and we usually do not know what will happen in 5 yrs. down the road.

There are folks who are happier living in a congregate living environment because there is so much more stimulation than in a typical home.
My concern after reading everything that you need to address YOUR health problems. Think about being on an air plane when the flight attendant tells everyone that in the event the cabin loses pressure oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. They proceed to tell you that if you are traveling with a child or someone else who needs assistance you should put YOUR mask on FIRST. If your marriage and health are ruined, how does this benefit your mom? It also sounds like your mom's health issues are so complex that she needs 24 hour medical care. Is it time to allow a team of medically trained experts care for your mom while you and your husband care for yourselves? Making the decision to move your mom to a nursing home isn't selfish or cruel, it is recognizing that the situation has grown beyond your abilities and you need professionals to be mom's caregivers while you go back to being mom's daughter and son-in-law. Best wishes and God bless.

My 94 year old mother needed 24 hour supervision because of Alzheimer's, incontinence and a history of falls. At the same time my father was in rehab recovering from a fall. I was becoming resentful and worn out because I had to put my life on hold completely. My mother was frequently sad because my father couldn't cope with the disease. My husband (who still works) needed to prepare dinners and maintain the house and my sons would give me a break when I needed it.

After much painful deliberation and tears I bit the bullet and placed her in a nursing home 6 miles from home. She has been there for 2 weeks and to my surprise she has adjusted beautifully and is actually happier than she was at home. She is in a dementia unit where she gets a great deal of attention. She is usually happy, laughing and lends a hand to the other residents. She has a purpose in her life again. Personality wise she is the mother who I lost to dementia 5 years ago. I'm not saying that a new living situation is necessarily going to make a difference for everyone. All I can go by is my own experience.
I visit daily and our time together is quality time, free of the stress and depression that was plaguing me when I needed to care for her full time.

In making this decision I needed to be completely honest with myself about my own needs and hers. I came to realize that there are people who are better qualified at caring for her than I am. I also had to let go of other peoples opinions and know that it's not selfish to want my life back.

I finished filing for medicaid today which should defray most of the costs.
I believe that any one who is the caretaker of an elderly family member needs to be brutally honest about their own needs. We need to take care of ourselves first. I know that sounds cliche but it's true.

Miss Jazzy52 I guess you found that way back to your own bed! Good for you, I'm so happy for the both of you. We just never realize that our loved ones CAN be much happier in the NH. I am so glad that you can spend quality time now.

Great decision on your part!

Well unless you hear the stupid rant that I have to hear. " I am going to die there ". My mother should be at one already before she gets worse, and that's what the nursing homes all say. Get them in there before they get worse. My mom just called belly aching that she is not well. She is not well everyday by her accord. It's just an attention getting rant cause she's alone on the days a caregiver does not come, but she is the one that set that up. I think I have to step in and increase caregiver time slowly. Today she said she's so ill she has to be in the hospital...oh yeah right, there's nothing medically wrong with her...it's her mind that's the problem. Yesterday she had enough pee and vinegar to complain about bird poop on the driveway (oh yeah..thought you could not see anything anymore) and had the caregiver water the front and back lawns (something they are not supposed to do and I just watered on Sunday)...she was good enough for that dictation and today ready for the hospital bed....what a saga...how long is this useless back and forth going to continue...I think she's finally getting it through her THICK head that I am not biting on the CRYING WOLF syndrome any longer. Oh here's a good knee slapper for ya...goes along the same lines....on Sunday when I got there she was 1/2 laying on the couch and whining "I don't feel good...droning on and on...OH but wait as soon as I started cooking BACON...well all that ceased and before you know it she's gnawing on the bacon I made....yeah I told my b/f about that...if you were really sick you would not even want bacon. Oh then she wants to start on one of her neighbor rants..something she has not done in a looooong time since last summer. She's going on and on about the neighbor's trashcan across the street is out...and started to develop one of her paranoia crazy stories...and I got her again....I thought you COULDN'T SEE....boy stopped that tune in it's tracks...LOL LOL LOL LOL


OYE VEH!

I took care of my mom for over 20 years after my dad died. She stayed with me twice, 6 months per stay, in my apartment when I was single (broken hip, broken hip) and moved in with my husband and me 10 years ago and stayed with us in our home until she died this past winter at the age of 87-1/2. I miss her so much. During these 10 years she had been mentally fine but her bone problems made it necessary for her to live with someone. She had made me promise a long time ago that I would never put her in a nursing home and I did, in fact, promise her that I would not. Our life was good and my husband and I took her everywhere she wanted to go. But last spring she suffered a stroke, couldn't walk anymore and developed vascular dementia. Our life got a lot more difficult. My living room turned into a living room (with wheelchair)/ bedroom (with hospital bed)/bathroom (potty chair) but we managed. I would get up an hour early each morning to wake her, bathe her, get her to the potty and dress her so that my husband didn't have to do that. He worked nights so that he could be with her during the day. She could never be left alone. We hired an aide to come in 4 hours a day each day which helped for a while. My mom started to act "funny" and claimed we had "voodoo" people in praying over her. She would stay awake all night either calling for me or talking to her "friends" on the wall. I got very little sleep. She would get nasty with me and (I am embarrased to say) I got nasty right back at her. Sometime she "missed" the potty chair or would have an accident in her depends, not tell me, and when I pulled her pants down the "accident" fell all over my carpet. I thought I was going to go insane.... I became depressed and angry. I wanted my mother back. We had hospice come in. They would come in and check on my mom, have no answer to any question I might ask, and they would leave. My mother was now at the point where she was dead weight and we had to physically lift her from the bed to the potty to the wheelchair. I dislocated my kneecap. My husband suggested that we might be getting to the point where we couldn't take care of her at home anymore. I wanted to vomit -- I PROMISED my mother I would be the one to take care of her...I COULDN'T move her. It was last February, the most horrid of months with snow, snow and more snow that I finally cracked. My aide was snowbound for 3 days and couldn't get to our house, my husband and to work late which meant I wasn't able to get to work. My mother was being mean, I was being mean, I was tired, my leg hurt and all I did was cry. I wanted a respite break. My mother told me I was a horrible daughter and I just wanted to throw her out in the street. UGH!!!!!!! That night our power went out and we had to take her to the hospice facility. She had been having mini-strokes for about two weeks and had one that night before we took her out there. She stayed there for 5 nitghts and for the last 3 days of her stay I didn't go out to see her. I have NEVER missed a visit with my mother in either a hospital or rehab setting, but with the bad weather and my husband working at nights I just couldn't get out there. She came on on a Thursday night (they had inserted a catheter) and she didn't wake until Saturday morning. She was very thirsty so I gave her some water. The caregiver came that day so I went to the grocery store. She died in my husband's arms while I was gone. Caregiver guilt? YEP, tons of it... Did she get worse and die because I was fighting with her? Did she get worse because I sent her out of the place she loved and never wanted to leave because I needed a break??? Is she mad at me for not being there with her when she died??? (Many have said that she didn't want me there and that was her gift to me -- I know my mother, and she wanted me with her ALL the time, so I don't believe those people...) I am so grateful that she WAS at home when she died and that she didn't die alone, but I feel like I let her down in the end. My point in this whole "story" is to tell you to be careful what you wish for. You "want your life back" -- I have mine back and have no clue what to do with it. I know you guys are tired and worn out and here are my suggestions (in this order): 1) find a nursing home that offers respite care and take your mom there for a few days so that you and your husband can reconnect; 2) find a GOOD home care agency (Home Instead is a good one) and have someone come in for a few hours either during the week or on a weekend; 3) pre-arrange your mom's funeral arrangements (TRUST me on this one); make sure you know where all of her important documents are and that you or your husband's name is on all of her accounts; 4) arrange for one of you to have power of attorney; 5) begin looking at nursing homes (you mom needs too much care for an assisted living facility). If you follow these suggestions you will be standing on solid ground. You will still be tired and angry and depressed and overwhelmed, but at least you are making some progress. This is not an easy job and I will keep you all in my prayers.

I am primary caregiver for my m-i-l who lives with my husband, son and I.
Our dog, as well. He is up there in years, so in human years--he's older than my m-i-l. When I was asked to be pc, I said I would under one (1) condition--that all of the kids help out. She has 4 daughters and I'm married to her only son. They all came over at first (lasted a few months)
then it was down to my 2nd s-i-l and I taking turns having her o/n. My oldest s-i-l could help out only on the weekends and that turned out to be for about 4 hours on either a Saturday or a Sunday. My youngest s-i-l comes over once a week to help give her a shower. (That helps immensely!) I've done it occasionally and it's not an easy task--so she is greatly appreciated! Any help I can get, I will take. Just recently, I got a HHA in to watch her while I attend my Zumba! class on Thursdays. They've just recently added another one, so if I can't make Thursday--I'll try for Friday. We also get a HHA in from 10-4 while we attend church and get our errands done. She's (my m-i-l) not the only one who needs socialization! I think my husband's sisters forget that. My husband just got back to work after being laid off for 8 1/2-9 months. We're trying to get my oldest s-i-l to take my m-i-l by 1-2 pm on Saturdays so that we can go up to the gym and workout. I was feeling like my life was slowly going away until I got into Zumba! Good luck to you.

I would recommended you not home care or assisted living facilities, but nursing home. don't feel bad to put her in a nursing home. I would do the same if you were in your shoes. Of course, you need your live back. maybe you can work, so you won't feel stressful. just visit her when she is at the nursing home. talk to her doctor/social worker and tell them that you have decided to put her in a nursing home because you can't take care for her anymore. that's not a crime, is neccesary. good luck

djnorris i'm so sorry you have to go throught that ...But before shipping her off to those bad retirement homes,Let me just say this to you.. I wonder if you would of like it when your mom was young and strong and gave birth to you, and you strated complaing and whinning,and when you fell of a bike and skinned your knee or off a tree , or maybe in your teen rebel yrs, how would you've like it if she gave up pn you and called social service to take you away cause you fell or you were rude or you could walk as a baby !!! Just think of who picked you up when you first fell, when you went to school who cooked for you or cleaned your dirty diaper!!! i'm sorry but now it's your turn to help her she might not have much time to live,, but god put her in your home for one last reason,,so just enjoy her love her be pacient,play with her, read to her you no eldery people become like lil children so just pretend she's your daughter now... I WISH YOU A BLESSING DAY ,GOOD LUCK,AND DO THE RIGHT THING,,YOU'LL GET PAYED OFF ON JUDGEMENT DAY....I say i lil prayer for you right now...

susanlovesu2 - no one asks to be born and most parents I know would not expect their children to carry off such a daunting task, unless they've been guilt trippers all their lives. Please keep religion out of this forum if you are going to judge someones actions. Sorry but it's way out of line.

djnorris - There are many nursing homes which have excellent staff members. You have way too much on your plate and I'm speaking from personal experience. We placed my mother in a nursing home when the time spent on care exceeded the time we could give without ending up in an institution ourselves. She has Alzheimers and it wasn't safe to keep her home any longer without 24 hour care.
My mother needed the type of care which we were not qualified to give. It sounds like like this may be your situation also. Shop around and inspect nursing homes in your area. Speak to your mom's physician so that he/she can make a referral, if you don't already have power of attorney over your your mother-get it, and sign up for medicaid. She will be better cared for and you will have a life.

My father and I visit my mother 5 days a week and the time we spend together is quality time.