When we contact the nursing home the stories never match. My mother is currently in a nursing home ( she cannot walk, cannot transfer herself to/from her wheel chair and is bowel and bladder incontinent) and often tells me and/or one of my siblings things that are happening at the facility that bother her . After she continues to complain about a situation for many days one of us contacts the facility and almost always the stories do not match. We do not normally see the issue when we are there ( one of us visits for 2-3 hours 5 of the 7 days a week) . Does anyone have any suggestions on how to tell who is right ? The staff claim she is just not remembering things correctly mom claims they are lying.
I experienced the same with my mom, and dismissed, and chatted with staff, who assured me that her complaints were unfounded.
At first it was little things that could easily be dismissed or explained. In looking back on it, we should have taken things more seriously as she started being afraid of being there, and as it turned out, it was for good reasons.
My mom was also demanding and wanting attention, and for those types of personalities, you think they are doing it for the attention.
Then came the night when she was outside the facility refusing to go back inside stating that the staff was going to burn the faciltiy down in order to collect the insurance money because families could not afford to pay for their loved one to be there.
We ended up at the hospital and she was in the phyc ward for 72 hours observation. As it turned out, they were over medicating her and had not discontinued medications her doctor had stopped. The interaction and number of medications they had her on cause a full blown physcotic(sp) episode.
Later learned that her complaints of being threatened for using her call button in the middle of the night were legitiment along with some other things.
The sad truth is that abuse and neglect are real issues no matter how wonderful the facility looks, or how the sales person and administrator seem to be. Children and the elderly are the easiest to take advantage of, and things do happen.
If possible, put a video camera in her room so you can observe what is going on.
How serious are the things that upset her? If they were true would it be important to see that they stop, or to explain them to her to lessen her worry? If she sees bruises on one of her friends and thinks abuse is going on, that would serious if thre is abuse. If the friend takes a blood thinner and bruises very easily and vividly and tends to bump into the walls as she walks, that would be something to explain to mom, without requiring any changes at the NH.
Your question is, how do you know whose reality to take seriously? If you visit ten to fifteen hours a week, you must be acquainted with many of the staff. Do you have a cordial relationship with anyone you can trust to tell it like it is? Can you stagger your visiting hours so you are there at all times of the day? Can she call you when she thinks these things are happening so you can see it for yourself? (I realize you can't necessarily drop everything and rush over there, but if the worry is serious, perhaps you could a few times.)
This dificulty in knowing how much is "real" and how much is "misinterpretted" really makes our loved ones vulnerable, doesn't it?
What does the doctor generally do when he visits? If her is dozing off when he pops in, does he just ask the nurse if there have been any changes or problems and then approve continuing as they are? If so, he could be coming in and she isn't aware of it. How often does he visit? If she is expecting him daily and he comes every two weeks, she is going to feel like he never visits. And she could just plain forget that he comes. I can't think of what the nursing home would have to gain by the doctor not stopping on his regular rounds, can you? Next time you are in, in a very friendly way, ask to see the records of when the doctor visited and what, if anything, he said about her. Explain that you want to be able to explain this to your mother in a way that she can understand so she won't be anxious about it. This should assure your mother that you take her seriously and will look into her cncerns. And it will probably give you grounds to reassure her about the doctor visit, too.
They wouldn't necessarily know if she is having sleeping problems, unless she is making a fuss. Are there any medications she is supposed to get during the night? Why would they be waking her up? If they wake her because she is dozing at 3 pm and it is time for her meds, then it doesn't matter so much that she can't get to sleep. I think the important question is when does this alledged waking-up-for-meds happen, and why?
It is possible, I suppose, that your mother mentions her medical complaint to a feelow resident or a cleaning person, and then wonders why a nurse won't help her with her headache. If she is attention-seeking and has gotten the brush off on trvial things she may not be reporting her issues to the nurse because "they never do anything about anything I say," and she thinks she needs to get you involved even if she hasn't talked to the nurse or aide first. (This is kind of crying wolf on both sides.) And it is possible that she tells them and they don't take it seriously. Perhaps you can track this down if you ask for specifics. "Who did you tell about your nausea, Mom? Was that this morning or yesterday? What did they say to you when you told them?" etc.
1. Mom may be exaggerating a bit, for a little drama and attention.
2. Mom may be genuinely confused and not remembering correctly.
3. Mom may be right, and the NH is being neglectful.
Sorting out which of these applies to each complaint is a challenge. Do your best to investigate each complaint. Even if it is usually 1 or 2 that applies, that doesn't mean there won't occasionally be a #3.
Some people do complain and want more attention but sad to say some of those individuals often do not get enough attention. There should be someone around to interact more with these individuals. And the homes are often short staffed. There are many people who want to put their loved one in a nursing home and expect there never to be a problem...well hello! You have a loved one in the hospital or nursing home, etc. stay involved and your loved one will get more and better attention....at least they will probably not be abused. It is amazing what a little touch or pat on the cheek can do for the happiness of one who is shut in.
My mother used to tell me she was unhappy at the nursing home and would rather be dead than to be living there...I live in Fla but she wanted to stay in the Va area where her boys were...So .I would drive 1000 miles to try and figure the problem ...and she would tell them she liked it there. After a few trip I made a surprise visit and found what was going on! What was happening was her room mate was taking almost all the closet space and taking the only hook in the bathroom for her personal items...took up the most space in the room, etc. The room mate after she received her noon meds would become agitated with my mother who was afraid to tell what was happening. The nurses told me the room mate had this problem, yet they were going to move my mother to an area with those who were so medicated they were always in a stupur..or screaming, etc. . I immediately removed my mother from the home. (I spent about three minutes in that section and thought I was loosing my mind) I could not subject my mother to that. The other thing was my mother did not want to drink water as she did not want to have to urinate and ask for help. I continued Digging for info and also found that the room mate did not want her to turn on the light at night so mother did not want to have to go to the bathroom. This had all gone on for over a year and I felt really bad but it was not easy to find out what was wrong. The room mate was given a lot of freedoms because she would make a scene and my mother who was shy anyway was living in fear 24 hours a day. These things happen a lot!!!!
When she came to live with me mother was on about 13 different meds...The bill was always high there were many extras added. I was able to get her to a doctor that cut the amount down to about 8 meds....and I am not sure she needed all of those either. Getting rid of the meds made a big difference in her attitude, actions and quality of life.
Another thing I noticed at the nursing home.... those individuals whose mind appears to be gone will often cling to stuffed animals and are calmer around those who are attentive. I feel this is in someway of our human instinct to clutch to things that make us feel connected in some way. I have also noticed that some of those who are highly medicated are scared of the shower yet they have the water sprayed on them anyway. Whenever I notice anything or I am told anything out of the ordinary I make it known....And I wish others would do the same thing. I know that some of the nursing homes are very nice but there is no way they can control all the employees and some just do not like their jobs nor do they enjoy working around seniors. We have to face the fact that it is often just a job. So we can do our part by staying involved and helping them at the nursing home to understand our loved one so they can give them the best care.
My mother passed but I still viist several little friends at the nursings homes . One who recently passed never wanted to eat or she had difficulty feeding herself and I would often see that a whole plate of food was left....the aid would say she did not want to eat....what I had observed once was they were trying to feed her too fast and I think she had problems swallowing such big bites. She lost a lot of weight once she was in the nursing home. Her family placed her there and almost never came to see her...thus she was resentful and often took it out on others. I threw a big birthday party for her the year she died and all the residents showered her with attention and started noticing her after that. But.. I have seen so many sad things it breaks my heart to even think of them. Take good care of your loved ones....my mother used to say "What goes round comes round"... I enjoyed reading all the posts...and I hope I did not sound as though I was preaching to you....it is just that I am very passionate about all this because I have seen so much! Love and Blessings ~ Bobbi
If you (or other relative) have to address your mom's complaints directly to the nurse... don't be shy. You are her advocate. With some nurses, I will take the resident's complaints to the nurse and they will just poo-poo it. But they jump and ask how high when family speaks up. Ask her how she's feeling today, ask her if anything hurts, Look her over for bruises and skin tears especially on the upper arms. Someone can easily knock a knee, forearm or hand into a door jam and bruise up. Upper arms are usually from staff getting a little too rough. Oh, and another good indicator of quality of care is check how clean their sheets are. Yup, peel back the bedspread and top sheet. Is it a bed you'd sleep in?
As many has mentioned, she may have a skewed sense of what is really going on because their brain is misinterpreting the information due to their medications. When the dr comes to the NH, they are in and out of there so dang fast it's hardly worth anything. It may be worth your time to make an appointment at her Primary's office, bring a list of all her medications and have him review them to make sure she is not being over medicated and that everything she is taking is appropriate for her. He can also check her for any cognitive decline... that's when they ask them what year it is, who is the president, what is 19 less than 100, repeat these 3 words then will ask them a few minutes later what those 3 words were. If you guys can verify that your mom is 100% all there, it narrows things down considerably. Could be a behavioral problem, some people just like to play the role of the poor victim and you know your mom well enough to know if this is something she has done all her life. I have one resident who is still sharp and always claims none of her daughter's have visited her since April. The truth of the matter is 2 of her daughters are there every Sunday like clockwork. If her boyfriend there has a stomachache, she suddenly has a stomachache. If he is constipated, so is she. She could have had her bed stripped overnight because she was incontinent, she'll say it hasn't been stripped in 2 months. Now if your mom is not like this, then yes I would take a hard look at the care she is receiving from the facility and maybe start looking into other facilities.
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