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My mother has been a difficult narcissistic person most of her life and it has gotten worse as she has gotten older. She has been diagnosed with mild dementia and it is progressively getng worse. She hates my sister and brother because she is certain they have stolen from her and has been verbally abusive towards them somthey have ceased contact withnher. She has accused them of poisoning my mind so I could turn against her, which i have nomidea what I have done to make her feel this way. We used to be close but I moved away a couple of years ago and have since moved back but it is difficult to have a relationship with her because she is so negative and accuses her own children and grandchildren of stealing from her. I've tried to help her but she refuses my help so I have distanced myself from her, so she has no one care for her. I worry about her well being, but don't know what to do with someone who doesn't want help but is in desperate need of help. She trusts strangers more than she trust her family. The social worker from her doctors office has asked me to get guardianship for her as she recommends she should go into assisted living. I am handling this all on my own since she doesn't want anything to do with my sister or brother and not sure at this point me either. I know for certain she will refuse to go into assisted living. She has two dogs that I am worried about since she loves them but doesn't care properly for them. I have started e guardianship and conservatorship but not looking forward to this difficult process. She is a hoarder and her stuff is more important than anything and having to deal with that I am very overwhelmed, guilty and stressed about the situation. Any advise would be appreciated.

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Cybergirl, you may want to try to enlist your mom's friends to "help" or for their advice as more experienced, wise (not "olde"r of couse) women telling them the story you told us, as if you have no idea they are telling your mom you are a bad daughter.. a little flattery could get them on your side and forestall problems. Gosh, maybe they could help your mom get stuff sold at the boot sales she just wishes she could go to! Hey, it's one way to see if they stick around despite the lack of $$.
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My mother has no idea of finances and thinks that there is a money tree there. Sadly my dad released all the equity out of the house to fund her madcap charity schemes. Now she is broke and the only thing to do is to sell her house so she can go into a home but she doesn't want to and keep on saying that she will sell small items at boot sales to bring in money but she is 93 and hasn't got the mobility to go to boot sales...it is all in her imagination.
She has also got 2 best friends who take her all over the place and she has told them that her daughters are horrible to her. This couple only see what they want to see i.e. lady in big house ( but she hasn't told them that she hasn't any money) so we think she is being preyed on by them as they are thinking there might be something in for them!!
She is so trusting that it is so difficult for her to understand that they might be deceiving her and trying to gain her confidence.
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What a great site! I feel the same as a lot of you. It is soul destroying watching an elderly parent lose sight of what is the right things to do. They are very depressed and you get sucked into their world and it is so hard to stay focussed on your life.
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Michsoph, there may be no way to avoid embarrassing your dad if you care about his well-being. What he is doing now is bordering on unsafe, and he is either mentally ill or mildly cognitively impaired or both, and things will get worse without intervention. Absolutely stop enabling the hoarding and see if you can get him to accept help in the form of a psychology evaluation or at least grief counseling which I would bet dollars to donuts he never got. There is a chance you will get a cognitive diagnosis as well as OCD/anxiety diagnosis...both of which will need help, but different kinds of help. He has crossed the line from ecentric into nonsensical for sure...its hard to face, but just letting things go on as they are leads to nothing good.

My other thought is that people are not thinking about what really happens to "stuff" in the long run. If a place is too junked up, everything just ends up in the trash when the person dies and the clean up must take place. Go to a couple of estate sales - it can be depressing - loads and loads of nice and semi-nice things going for pennies, the rest boxed up for trash or for charity. Far better to start giving away now. I won't say take a hoarder to an estate sale, they'd probably want to buy everything in sight, though...
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Many parents and children have been frightened of becoming guardian because they are afraid of the financial liability. The truth is that the probate court protects guardians from financial liability, even guardians who have financial guardianship or conservatorship, in that anyone seeking payment or damages may only go after the ward’s estate. If the ward has only SSI benefits, this is all anyone can go after.
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Could you get a care giver to move in, or family member, or get meals on wheels? they do not come in the house, if you dont want them to, they drop off food on the porch and go. so no one feels violated in privavcy. and kitchen isnt so messy. ( or can some one take this parent on a vacation) while little by little the family cleans out her /his house and takes it to a storage facility? It may seem like a waste of money using a storage facility, but if the parent can afford it, or family members, it would be a first step and the parent would know their suff isnt lost, just somewhere more organized. after all, theyprobably will leave you their money and home in their will, it seems like the least you could do for the parent or even donate stuff to a charity? My family has a hoarder in the family and the only way they can give stuff up, is if they sell it, or give it to some one who will use it. some times its only about NOT WASTING an item and finding a new home for it. That is one reason most hoarders wont get rid of stuff, because they see it as waste. I my self cant part with some things also, but if I can sell it, at a garage sale even for a dollar, or recycleing scrap yard, or give it away, then it is easy to part with. Also geting rid of their pet is UNFORGIVABLE. keep the pet for the person and bring it over to visit in the parents honor, or have a pet sitter come over to care for it, or family member, because the person may forget to feed animal, but still i brings them love and joy. Ive taken in sick older peoples dogs when they went to a nursing home, and they cried and cried untill the familyy told them where their pet was, and I sent photos, which meant so much to the person whos best friend was their dog, or cat. some times caregivers go over board and really do become callus. I have cared for both of my parents who are now passed, and its worth it o do your very best because, in years to come, you wont feel guilty and you know you did they best for some one who trusted you, even if they are sick.
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My dad has all of my mom's clothes filled in his closets and drawers. She died almost 12 years ago. He cleaned out a plastic bakery container that contained pastries served at her funeral and has it sitting on his counter "in case he needs it for something." He has piles of newspapers, magazines, etc. all through his house. He asked me to clean out my old room for storage space. I thought he would organize files. He just uses my old room to fill with newspapers. He wants my old closet cleaned out "because he needs the space." His house is filled with stuff from my deceased grandparents' homes, and his and my mom's stuff that dates to 1967 when they bought the house. He has always been religious, but it is to the point that he spends so much time praying, that he tells me he's too busy to do anything around the house. He wants my daughter and I to visit, but when we do, he gets all bent out of shape if she asks for a cookie or milk. He grumbles that "we came at a bad time" because he's trying to eat. He wakes up at 10 a.m., unless it's a Sunday or church day. He goes to bed at 1:30 a.m., and insists on calling me to tell me he is going to sleep. I literally had him call three times in a row, between 1:30 and 2 a.m.--only to tell me he was going to bed, changed his mind to go downstairs, and then--finally--was back upstairs for the night. I don't know if this is just eccentricity, or if I need to intervene. When I had a furnace inspection in December at my own house, I told my dad the company said my furnace was fine. My dad proceeded to call the company and order a representative back out to MY house to double-check. (Everything was fine, but my dad justifies his actions to this day, saying my family and I "could have died" from a bad service check.) I am confused and frustrated. Can anyone please advise what I should do? I am an only child. I don't want to tell people I know because I don't want to embarrass my dad.
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I loved Judy1's answer. It worked for two friends of mine, and maybe it will work for others. My goodness, how much can we be expected to do with our ancient parents?
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Just a comment on the "expert answer" -- why do you assume she has AD, when nothing in the post points to that? Mild dementia is a far cry from full-blown Alzheimer's.
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My mom didn't want to move out of her house but wasn't safe being home alone anymore since she has dementia so I had to find her an assisted living facility and one day we just went over there and I ended up just leaving her there. For about 2 months she called me every name in the book and I felt guilty every day. Eventually she finally accepted the ALF as home. When she wanted something that wasn't reasonable I would just say okay and then she would forget anyways. It was a very tough decision but well worth it in the long run.Good Luck
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You are surely in a difficult situation caring for your mother.
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Sounds like mine, but mine hits and it's getting worse. No one will help, not even the police. She lives in an exclusive neighborhood. No one there wants to kick and elderly person out. So she just continues her bizarre behavior. She has thrown everyone out and then calls them like nothing has happened. She has hoarded old clothes for the last 50 years. Everyone is afraid of her. She pays her bills on time.
She really hasn't changed that much, just old now.
The answer is in the wind?
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Not that this is really on the topic, but Chiron, I've used this site for a while, now, and NEVER gotten spam about assisted living, so if I were you, I wouldn't be too quick to blame this website. :) Peace.
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I visited your site and now I am getting spam for "assisted living" all of a sudden - thanks a lot.
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My mom was same, trusted no one but strangers. My brother has no contact with her, I had to place her in the home with only power of att papers. I didnt want to be held responsible for her debt or anything that arrised. She wanted her dog, clothes and house brought with her. I just agree and tell her Im working on it. She has dementia as well and there behavior changes constantly. So ignore most of what she says and do what you believe needs to be done. Only take what she needs to start and just tell her theres no room to bring all in vehicle that you will come back for it. Some homes allow pets. My moms does I just bring hers to visit due to she cant take care of him. Do what works for you. I have had to learn not to listen to what mom tells me to do and be her mom and tell her fibs to make her hopefull for that moment. Next minute its something else anyway. Just be patient and do what works for you....
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Be careful getting guardianship of her. You are taking a HUGE RISK by doing this. If you do it, and your mom stays on her own, and is hurt, injured or killed. You will be held liable for everything. Be VERY careful. Good luck.
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My 90-year-old father was the same way. Nothing worked -- until I thought of the one person he respected more than any other and who would not put up with his rage and resistance. I enlisted this person, who came to the house and told my father in kind but firm terms that the house and garage were filthy and a health hazard, and the health authorities wouldn't even let him keep the dog if the place weren't cleaned up. He then agreed to move to this friend's house while the clean-up took place. The garage was so bad that the haz-mat people had to be called in because there were so many ancient half-open cans of turpentine, paint, paint thinner, and gas -- not too far from the ancient furnace -- that one of them said the house could have blown up. It also took more than a dozen dumpster loads to make a dent in the stuff he had accumulated since 1954. If you can't call on a trusted friend, I'd recommend calling the authorities, who have had experience dealing with hoarders. Hope this helps.
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My heart goes out to you. Do you know what it would take to get her declared in need of conservatorship? It sounds like you are gathering the information at least. The reality is that you will, in the end, NOT be able to allow her to stay in an unsafe environment. And it will feel, to her, like you have turned against her. So do what you can to get ready for the barrage of venom she will direct her way. It may be worth paying a non-family member to be the conservator, if there's money for it, so you can play good cop. Good luck to you.
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You are doing what is best, though it's not easy. Please don't feel guilty. Eventually she will have to be removed from her belongings. Try to figure out what is most important to her. Hoarding is a sickness, too. If you can remember that her she seems mentally ill beside having AD, it may help you keep a compassionate nature, but you can't let this destroy you either. It would be nice if your siblings could at least help you by offering emotional support. You can't do this alone. You may want to contact the Alzheimer's organization in your community for more support and ideas.
Take care and let us know how you are doing,
Carol
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