My mother can turn any conversation into something negative. Is there anything I can do about this?

As my mom got older and in more pain, she got more negative. I just got used to her seeing the bad in everything, because I knew she wasn't feeling normal anymore. It wasn't until she died, that I noticed how my dad isn't judgmental and negative anymore. While I got used to her being the way she was, I totally missed how it was affecting my dad. He never noticed it either.

I'm experiencing the same situation. My grandmother is not in pain, but rather seems to take pleasure in negativity.. It's the only time she smiles.. It has definitely worn on me as her primary caregiver. I find my own behavior has changed over the last several years since she's been living with me. I miss laughing and feeling happy for no particular reason.

Just to add - I've tried the being positive for both of us tact and bringing conversations to a close when she begins being negative. For me neither has worked. She refuses antidepressants which have been prescribed by two physicians. Now, we talk on almost an 'as needed' basis.

Kate47, my Mom is the Queen of Negative. She will drag up something from 60 years ago to be negative about. I think she has always been this way. Nothing is right, nothing good enough, Dad cound't do anything right, I want her money, doesn't like TV, movies, books. Had enough yet?

I just keep my distance and try to do the things I love and remember to not turn into her. It is like brainwashing, so be careful to stay positive.

My dad is a "glass half empty and probably leaking" kind of guy. So I get where you ar coming from. What helps me is to look at anthropologically: "Well, THAT was facile! He could make getting birthday balloons for the first time in his life -- something he was happy about 45 seconds ago -- into a threat to global warming. I didn't even know he was paying attention to global warming." "Man, we were talking about car insurance and now we are talking about 'what if the bladder cancer comes back?' -- even though there's been no sign of it for 11 years. What did I miss? How did he DO that?" I agree with Kate47 -- showing him the bright side of things not only doesn't change anything, but it backfires. He holds onto his negativity even more fiercely. Oddly enough, if I look at the dark side of something, he doesn't respond by trying to show me something better -- he REVELS in the darkness of it and makes it even worse. So, the amateur anthropologist in me realizes that there is a comfort level in seeing the negative. Something soothing about it for him. It doesn't work for me -- in fact, HE is probably why I can always see the good in every situation (well, let's say "OFTEN" see the good).
See what you can let go of to let her be where she is, and watch in wonder as she gets there. At least, it might make you less crazy. GOOD LUCK!

Well, it doesn't sound like I'm alone in this, anyway! I've tried being positive, or ignoring it, or comforting her - but I think there IS something "soothing" about it for her, as you said, JaneB. It's like she really just wants to be this way and resists all attempts to help her focus in other directions. The thing is, it's self-perpetuating. My folks live in a retirement community - all around them people are falling, being admitted to the hospital, dying, having awful things happen. That becomes the topic of every single visit, it seems. She lives in the midst of it, she sees it, she thinks about it, she talks about it with me. I bring in pictures of the grandbabies and happy news from "outside" - but it's a lot of in-house negativity to overcome. Sure makes me wonder about the wisdom of gathering lots of elderly people into one place and calling it a "community"... And at the same time, I can't imagine how my life would be if my parents were living with US. They are where they really want to be right now, so at this point it's what we all have to work with. At least for now the visits and conversations are limited - but I'm sorry to be feeling this way toward my mother because of her negativity. Good to know I'm not the only one trying to not go crazy in this kind of situation!!

When I can't turn the conversation, I put her favorite music on or pop in the Dean Martin Comedy Hour DVD. Thinking about ordering the Carol Burnett Series, she'd love that as well. She also loves flowers, so when it's in season we visit the Botanical Gardens, which doesn't help this time of year. Continue to do what makes you happy! Best Wishes.

I hear you. I hear all of you. My wife and I have been caring for my mother in law for 25 years. Mom is 85 and in chronic pain from many back surgeries over the years, broken bones from falls, torn rotator cuffs . . . Get the picture? Oh . . . And she has lived with us all these years and now drifting into dementia and suffers anxiety attacks from small upsets! In the last several years, she has Had nearly 100 diagnostic tests . . . All inconclusive. May I say, "oh vay!"
Well, I am a writer and now work from home. My wife is a realtor and is out of the house most days . . . So much of the conversation is between mom and me and I must confess was killing me because of the constant negativity. OK, I have been creating books for people with memory loss and producing a weekly radio show for Veterans with memory loss and their families. I have immersed myself in this world and came to the conclusion that humor is the most powerful tool we have to best deal with what we are all talking about. I am beginning a project called Caregiving with a Smile . . . A 90 minute presentation that I will start to deliver to caregiver groups in late February. My goal is to assist caregivers to see the humor in (almost) any situation . . . Even if our loved one does not or can not. Believe me when I say that a smile can be found . . . And often shared with your person . . . And it can make these difficult times a little easier for you. This can be accomplished without disrespect . . . And with the acknowledgment that caregiving is hard . . . But, frankly, I knew that if I didn't change my point of view . . . It was going to kill me . . . So . . . Find the humor. My sincere hope that you will think about this.

well, this is not limited to aging parents, although my mother has been like this for as long as I can remember. I have a 45 yr old daughter in law that does the same thing. I don't know how my son stands it because it just goes on and on about bad things that happened years ago. It is like a continuous loop tape, because for the past 6 years I hear the same stories over and over. It is very wearing and I also dread going to visit. They have a 6 yr old daughter whom I adore and that is the only reason I continue to visit. I keep hoping that my grandchild will be able to maintain being sweet and cheerful but it is very hard being around people like that. My DIL keeps telling me what a nice person she is and that everyone else is mean to her but she fights with everyone around her.

Glad I saw this post and comments today. Mom (87) is just like so many of the parents mentioned already. Anything, and I REALLY mean ANYTHING that is said, done, heard on TV, shown on her Soap Opera, ANYTHING can go negative and somehow get immediately tied into some negative episode in her past. And no matter what happens to someone, it cannot compare to what she suffered... It has gotten to the point that I avoid coming home (and it is MY house) as long as possible, which is great for my voluteer stuff and babysitting the grandkid, but is wearing me out in general.
Sorry that the rest of you have this type of issue, too. But awfully glad to have someplace to come that knows and understands these issues. Hugs to all of you.

Negativity is simply a bad habit, a mindset that is stuck in a rut. There must be many things in her past that could bring a positive response. Does she have a family photo album, gifts from her grandchildren, letters from old friends that you could bring out and "review?"
Perhaps take her somewhere for an outing where she will see someone worse off than herself, such as the veterans hospital where people have lost limbs and are struggling to live productive lives.
It is self-centeredness, and the best way to alleviate it is to think of or do for someone else. People who start focusing inwardly are doomed to become lost in there. Maybe you can think of a project that helps her to focus outward in an area she enjoys: gardening and providing flowers for her church one week, going to the elementary school and volunteering to read to the Kindergartners; offering to shop for a sick neighbor. Once she gets positive attention, she might like it. However, my Mother was the same way, now she has full blown dementia at 94. You can't tell them they are selfish, because they don't see it. Some people are just like that, but like you, I kept trying. Surround yourself with givers and doers, like yourself:)

I share your frustration. It all sounds like my mother. She has had dementia for a long time now and I have had the good fortune to attend a very good support group that has explained to me that my mom is always afraid and confused and that is what causes the negativity. Imagine you are living in that "world" and you will understand the negativity. If someone who you may vaguely remember as your son or daughter comes up to you and reminds you that they love youI verbally and phusically, it will tend to cheer you up. It has done wonders for my mom. Whenever I first see her for a visit, I give her a big hug, kiss and tell her "I love you Mom". It's also the last thing I do when I leave. I be sure to use the word "Mom". It reminds her I am her son. She sometimes forgets.
Others who have tried this tell me it helps. Ther is no cure that I know of. I hope this helps.
I wish you the best.

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Sometimes I think that if old people would spend their days at a day care surrounded by little kids, that would improve their dispositions greatly. When all you hear all day long are the laments of other old people like yourself talking about how their bodies are going down the crapper, then I would think that would be a downer.

Can any of you go into a small Mom or man cave to get away from the negativity-I had to find my own space when caring for my husband even though it was one chair and lamp in my bedroom-I could shut the door-I think music is a good idea probably getting them into some hobby would be fruitless how about getting them interested in photo albems anything that would get them off themselves

Good point, rsvick. I tell my Mother often throughout each visit that I love her, give her a hug, give her a little massage, give her a piece of candy. Anything that is kind and would be received without complaint. It takes making the decision to treat them with love, those who are not easily lovable. It is a great lesson in humility for us, and remembering that maybe they just can't help it due to dementia, fear, or ingrained crabbiness.

my mother is completely the QUEEN of this. so, i just stopped communicating with her. i keep my contact a a minimum. i answer only the phone calls that actually need my attention. i avoid her at all costs. the woman enjoys her misery. it's not my style and i refuse to let it be.

BTW, yes, i did attempt to point this out to her. Denial ain't just a river. . .

My mom has lived with us for two years now. She loves the negative. She wasn't always like this but whoo buddy; anything she can say that is mean or nasty, she just loves it. If I ask a simple question of would she like a cannoli or a piece of coconut cake for dessert turns into five minutes of how much she hates cannoli, anyone who eats cannoli is a barbarian or worst & on & on. Why not say, "I would like a piece of coconut cake" and leave it at that. And on the TV! The bloodiest, cruelest most horrific show is her favorite. And her memories that you would think would be a boon in her old age are perverted into episodes of one terrible incident after another. I was there for many of these memories and it didn't happen this way. I literately brace myself when she starts talking; she will ruin any memory or event by making things up & like some of you have written, she loves this, revels is absolutely correct. What's up with this behavior?

It is amazing how some elders do what is called rewritting history-I would try to limite my time with negative people-some people you can not teach to be happy.

Yeah I'd like to know the magic answer too! I've tried everything that previously brought my Mom joy but it's like she rather be a negative Nelly than to find happiness but happiness comes from within. I don't know if she faked a general state of happiness in the past or that I'm just inundated with her because of my role as Care giver.
I’ve told her over and over but she doesn’t see it as complaining but rather relaying her thoughts. Now she throws it in my face by starting a conversation with” you say all I do is complain” but continues anyway. I have told her if she keeps it up I’ll leave, I come by to have an enjoyable visit not to sit here hear all the angry, old and negative crap.
Sometimes it works and sometimes it’s like she could give less than a hoot how I feel and just dump on me. Well…unfortunately my visits have become less frequent, I miss my Mom but I can’t afford for my spirit to become contaminated with someone else’s issues or rather non-issues.
The other day when I visited her, I again told her about all the scheduled activities at the NH, the monthly birthday celebration was about to take place, she didn’t want to get dressed ( she had on clothes!) there are puzzles and hobbies she could do in her room. While asking the Physical Therapist about activities for low sighted people, Mom leaned into me waived her finger and said NOOO! I don’t want to do anything, leave it alone! So I’m like what Thee…! This lady just wants to be bored and unhappy! I get it ( not really) but it’s her choosing.
If they come up with a happy pill for her, I’m all in.
Take care of your mental and physical self.

You know, I almost felt sort of guilty about posting this question. My mom DOES have far more aches and pains than I do, and she has a lot to cope with because of my father's condition. But cp54, that is so much my mom, too. ANYTHING, yes ANYTHING at all can and will "go negative". My mom doesn't do this just about herself - she does it on behalf of others, too. But honestly, that gets wearisome to listen to as well! Thank you for the hugs and understanding :-) I'll think of you all the next time I'm trying to graciously and patiently listen - or at least give the appearance of it. I've found it makes absolutely no difference, and it is a sanity-saver for me to "go off" somewhere else in my head when the musings get too long.

Sabahmom, there are always hugs here!
We are a sister/brotherhood that understand where each other is coming from. Come talk/vent/question whenever. Most of the time, I just read, sometimes a message hits too close to home to stay quiet. Consider this group therapy minus the cost of the co-pay. ;-)

debra49, my bet is that it gives her PLEASURE to do this: "I am not THAT kind of person!" A sort of zero-sum (one wins only if the other loses) world view. It IS tiresome. The more I look at my Dad do this, from a "wow, how did he get from there to here?" perspective, the easier it is. It ain't gonna stop till he drops, I know that much!

I do realize that the older you get, that the more aches and pains you have, and the more history you have to look back on which may not be pleasant to remember, but it's not a reason to dwell in negativity. Being happy can be, for the most part, a choice. Even when it's a biological depression or a physical problem, there are treatments. My mother has as many reasons to be happy as I do, she only needs to try and fight for it. I do every day.

dankoffman - appreciate your perspective - it isn't an easy one to come by.

I feel as though for the last few years I have been standing in water just over my head - holding my MIL on my shoulders - trying to keep HER head above water - while I was drowning! I spent my days being cheerful - looking at the bright side - trying to turn her conversations around to something pleasant, (she even speaks ill of the dead!) talking her out of her depressive episodes - turning on HER lights - literally and figuratively. Why do they want to be in the DARK, literally!

Then about a year ago I HIT THE WALL - I woke up in a panic and I just had to get away. I felt that if I didn't RUN and FAST, I would DIE. My dear hubby stayed with his mom over a long weekend so I could just go visit a friend in another city. I shopped, went to a movie, out to eat and NEVER MENTIONED MY MIL THE ENTIRE WEEKEND. I made my friend promise to stop me if I even began to mention something about care giving. Well, that long weekend got me through another 6 months and then I hit another wall. Went for another long weekend - that helped a little - but not as much as before.

The NEGATIVITY is just overwhelming. The air is thick with it. It is easy to say 'change' how you think. I am tired of trying to save my MIL from herself. I do OK for a while and then crash and burn for a week and then get back up and do it again. All the while, she 'doesn't understand what the problem is with me!!' She asks my husband 'What's wrong with HER anyway?'

I know I have changed. I no longer attempt to turn the conversation around - I leave the room. I no longer try to cheer her up - I leave the room. I limit my interactions with her and I know that isn't good. I am beginning to seriously believe that she may be happier in a facility. But, deep down, I know that probably isn't true.

She has beginning dementia and her short term memory is ZERO. So, if she doesn't remember saying or doing somthing - it didn't happen. This just makes it worse because there is no reasoning with her.

Thanks for letting me 'let go' of this. Bless all you care givers who must deal with bleakness like this. She doesn't have a clue. She just tells us over and over and over again that "you have no idea how hard this is or what I go through." Well, neither does she.

It isn't that I don't love her or feel sorry for her - I can't think of a thing I would rather NOT do more than get old, wracked with pain, senile. It isn't for sissies, as they say. Maybe it is impossible to look on the bright side when you have lost your health, husband, home, friends. Maybe we are asking too much of our seniors. Antidepressants didn't help her - she faithfully took her 'happy pills' as we called them for over a year and finally stopped. They didn't help and they just had negative side effects that she didn't need.

Guess now the emphasis should be on how to keep ME sane so that I can continue on. That may be easier said than done as well :0)



I long for conversations about THE FUTURE that do not include illness, pain, funerals, death, constipation, incontinence. Friends for me are few and far between. My own kids hate to be around their own grandmother - she is so depressing.

Thankfully Spring is just around the corner and I will be able to be outside more. Winter is the worst.

If you can leave for a time at least once a month-maybe it is time for placement-it sounds like it she may still complain but it will not be in your house-why ruin your health and peace of mind-they will use her assests for medicaide and how much more unhappy will she be.

We are looking into VA Aid and Attendance. It's a maze. BUT, if she can get some help with Assisted Living expense - it might be time :0) Yes, I told my hubby that if I could get a way a week out of each quarter of the year - I could probably hang on. OR if I could just convince her to go to Adult Day Care type activities once a week. At least she would have a LIFE of some sort. She could complain to someone else who would really understand her complaints! She won't hear of it. :0( They have a really nice place near us - pick up/delivery, activities, excursions, chair exercises. I have toured and it looks great. She has even been there for a flu shot. NOPE - absolutely won't even give it a try. Should we force her?

I can tell you my experience I accepted the fact mu husband did not want to go to adult day care but in hindsight I wished I had insisted he try it because about a year later I had to make a decision to have him placed and this time I told him it was not his choice -he became cricially ill the last day of our insurance coverage and died about 3 days later after being on life support until the last 12 hrs. of his life. Have her try adult day care for a few days even if she is very opposed to it-I so wished I had insisted he try it for a few days.

I have been blessed with a positive mother most of my life. Now that she is aging her darker side begins to show. I tell her I am grateful for XYZ and change the subject. Or simply say. I am sorry I cannot agree with that, so I cannot keep talking about it. Then I pray something of her old self re-surfaces. Thankfully it does most of the time.

I am glad you found a way to defuse the situation that works for you -you have our support and what you do will help others also.

So glad I read this thread this morning, my life in a nutshell, but I am learning to let it go in one ear and out the other...her world revolves around her, her aches , pains, how the HH people never consider when she needs to take a nap, ect... fortunately for me, I get to leave, but I had gotten to where I dreaded going in there.... it is hard to ignore and not get flushed down into that dark place with them.... I don't try to cheer her up, she finds comfort in her own words, like others have said.... I don't have to understand it, I just have to protect myself from it....
So thanks for all the posts here, a good reminder for me to stay focused on tasks at hand....