Any ideas on how to handle an 81 year old woman that pitches a fit like a 6 year old?

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Any ideas on how to handle an 81 year old woman that pitches a fit like a 6 year old?

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My mother, (with gen. age decline) starts raising her voice and flailing her arms, sometimes even smacking the counter or desk or whatever is handy at the time. Occassionally stomping her feet. She is covering up her memory loss (aka lying) and when caught in this she then dives head first into drama.... throwing a temper tantrum. It happens usually when no one else is around. My son and I are the only ones that get to see this. If we walk away, she follows and usually makes a personal insult, trying to get a response. We usually ask her if this is what she really wants to do. Or that it is not an appropriate place or time. It is starting to ruin the relationship between her and my son (her grandson). I am usually able to let it roll off my back, but sometimes even I have a hard time with it. This is a fairly new development in our journey. Please, please, please any help would be appreciated!

Alzheimer's & Dementia

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This is a very familiar scene to me. With my mother, it is usually when I don't respond the way she wants me to. She tears up and gets very angry, saying that she is going to die if I don't do something at that very moment. It is a control issue. She wants to control me, but I'm a bit hard to control. So she gets angry. I handle the anger by walking away. She often punishes me for a little while with attitude, but it all straightens out in a few hours.

I don't question my mother on her memory lapses. They happen and I ride with them. Mentioning them would only trouble her without correcting anything. I've learned to substitute for her memory when it comes to important things like medication.

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I am suffering through this same thing. My mother lives with us and has be diagnoised with Alz or fast moving dementia. She blames me for the whole thing. She pitches fits and gets very aggressive. Currently she is on halopridol and several other mood drugs which have calmed her down quite a bit. Some people say no drugs but when they act like that they are miserable and agiitated. They lash at the ones they love the most and it is hard to handle. You want to treat them with as much dignity as possible. We are taught to obey and honor our parents and when the time comes that the parent becomes like a five or six year old it is hard for our brain to register. I was lucky to find a good support group and senior advisor who had been in my situation. You have to get outside help and believe me. You will have to sort through it because not all is helpful. I wanted to keep my mother at home but I couldn't take the constant fits of violence. She is calmer now. You have my hugs and prayers. It is a hard road.

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ladee - my mom has always been self centered. She still lives in the house we grew up in. I live a few miles away. She had done a great job of leading me to believe she is in much better frame of mind that she really is. It has only been in the last few months that I have started spending more time with her..... almost every day, rather than just a day or two a week. Now that I am with her more, she is having a hard time covering up the mistakes she makes and her memory lapses. i.e. balancing check book, paper work for church....etc. I balanced the check book for her when she couldn't find the "mistake the bank made" and when I showed her it was a simple oversight on OUR part. (i made sure to not say her part), she got very angry with me because I found the mistake and she didn't. And then....a temper tantrum. That is just one example. As far as drama.....yes she has always enjoyed being the spectator on the sidelines after she stirs the pot. I call her every morning to see how she is, and then most days I see her face to face. This whole trantrum thing has gotten MUCH worse recently. I know she is worried about her independence, her freedom, and her pride. But I don't know how to help to understand that I am there to help her keep those for as long as possible. The tantrums just drive a wedge farther between us. I will be happy to give more info if you have any more questions. Thanks for the support! :)

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Has she been diagnosed with dementia? If she hasn't, then get her to the doctor now, because there are drugs like Aricept or Namenda that will slow the progression down. Even if it's NOT dementia, she still needs to be seen by her doctor to see if those drugs can help anyhow. Her PRIDE is what's going to cause her to slip faster down the memory lane abyss if something isn't done.

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Boy! Some great answers there! My in-laws are having similar problems. When I visit and he says he is going to work tomorrow I just smile at him knowingly like we have an inside secret. He hasn't driven or worked in a year. He does get violent with the care givers but they give him an anti-anxiety drug and he lies down to rest. Coming face to face with one's new life and memory is hard to deal with
straight on I think. Try to remember the anger is not with you or your son (make sure he understands this) but with their life changing and their memory getting worse. They are upset with the situation but don't know what to do about it. Being as call and soothing as possible may be best. My counselor always says,
"don't show up for the fight."

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Sounds like our house four years ago. We would call the behavior 'Rocking and Rolling'. At first, I thought that mom was trying to manipulate us to get her own way and I would engage her. A minor incident would turn into a huge dramatic scene with screaming and head banging and threats of killing herself. I visited some Alzheimer's care units to see how the professionals handle the behavior. They used the quiet room technique and they do not engage. I started keeping a log to figure out what was setting my mother off. One of the biggest triggers turned out to be sugar. She had to go with me to pick up my children and run errands so to keep her happy in the car, I would buy her a bag of Peanut M&M's. Her coordination was starting to slip so it would take her an hour to pick them all out of the bag. She was happy. I was happy.The kids were happy until we arrived home and the 'Rock and Roll' show would begin..... It took me awhile and some help but we figured it out. We did the following:
1) Eliminated all sugar from her diet including some fruits
2) Put her on a regular schedule with fixed meal times, exercise times, mental stimulation times, prayer times and an early bed time.
3) When the behavior started we would bring her to a chair, spray some lavender or calming scent, light the fireplace, draw the drapes, turn off the televisions and radios, send the kids to their rooms and create a quite peaceful place for her to recover.
4) Our rule was do not engage. Just nod your head, quietly agree to the moon being red or blue or whatever and take some really deep breaths. (this was hard for me)
All these things helped. If you would like more ideas send me a message.

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We have had my mom here for 4 months and I have endured insults, lies, tantrums, no I don't want to do it, I am so sick...can't tell you all but .... I have been working on her nutritional needs and can tell you I give her a great multivitamin with whole food extract, vit D, resveratrol, coq10, probiotics, red krill oil, flax oil and coconut oil. Yes she complains but takes it all after breakfast as we do ours. I just added Sam-e 400 on an empty stomach each morning before her coffee and oh my gosh ... we are living with a different person! She is more focused, less anxiety, hasn't tried to hit me or cuss under her breath. Also she would always tell my hubby we have to get rid of that women that lives here etc. Now she is grateful for all that I do for her and we are all happier. She seems to know more of who she is and where she is as well. It sure can't hurt to try. My mom was absolutly crazy on any of the ALZ meds.

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There are good answers here. Like others have said, it's the helplessness, losing control, and downright fear that make these elders (who used to tell us what to do) resort to anger, stubborness, and childlike behavior. When you really think about it....it's a horrible scenario to imagine. My mother would mess up her checkbook unbelievably and we'd make trips to the bank to "straighten out the mess the bank made." Fortunately she relinquished those banking and bill paying duties to me, because she said it gave her a headache. (it gave a lot of others headaches too!) She also gave up driving without a fight after a few unsettling incidents. Now, at age 86, she lives with me and my husband in her own separate quarters. I catch her in lies all the time. Like Blue said, I have come to just look the other way, and placate her about it, because trying to reason with her is frustrating and gets nowhere. She insists on her innocence (to the point of "strangers must have come in and done it," etc. It's quite funny at times, and thankfully hasn't resulted in any major damage other than once when she took siccors and cut the blind cord to get it down, ruining the blind, rather than come and ask for help. If I go down the path of trying to make her ackowledge that SHE DID IT, it only leads to a big scene, upsetting us all. Sometimes I really think she isn't lying, but actually forgets she's done the deed. Or she is so horrified to think she'd do something so crazy (like feed the cat a dish of toothpaste) that she can't face the fact. Luckily the cat refuses to eat toothpaste. :) I really hope you can keep yours and your son's relationship with your Mom as good as possible in spite of this behavior by realising that what your Mom is going through is horrifying and frightening, and not to take her insults and behavior personally. The hateful behavior is directed at the loss of control not at you two, who she loves as much as ever. I hope her grandson will forgive her bad behavior. It's tough, though, I know. Best to you on this journey into madness....because that's sort of what it is. (with my Mom there are lots of good times and laughs as well, though.)

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I think it goes back to basics. How would you (rationally) react to a six year old doing this? I think the best response is to walk out of the room, remain calm and let her know that you are not going to cater to that behavior. I say this with the experience of having a 78 year old mother who is a huge drama queen who, when not getting attention or her own way, throws fits, stomps out of the house/room, slams doors, etc. She wants attention, even negative attention. She has always been a narcissitic person and although she seems to be forgetting some things, she is also very conniving and plotting, and I don't think her capability to do that would remain intact if she were truly having dementia issues. All her life she's gotten by with "well, that's just how she is" with my dad the worst offender of catering to her. I believe as we age we all become 'more of who we are', which seems evident in her case. If the person you are talking about has had a major personality change, then I would think this is a different case. But if she is acting like a child, unfortunately, you have to treat her like one in some basic ways to model better behavior. No one needs to be someone else's punching bag, no matter what.

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Kydeco, Uh... Welcome to the club? My Mom is the same way and maybe worse.

Only advice I can give you is stock up on Advil and get someone you can tag-team with. If you can be in a position to "get mad and storm off" (i.e., leave the house), that might work the best.

Peace only comes through strength, not weakness. As long as you are in a position where you can't/won't leave when she gets like this, she will clobber you with it.

My Mom has always been a self-appointed dictator and it's like trying to argue with a hurricane. You can either stand on the beach, shake your fist at it and drown, OR you can take cover, hope to survive and clean up the mess afterward.

Any ideas on how to handle an 81 year old woman that pitches a fit like a 6 year old?

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