I’m after some advice. Elderly father in his 80’s, widowed 4 years ago and has a plethora of health issues since his wife’s passing. Finished radio therapy for throat cancer 2 months ago.
he’s tried to kill himself twice but fortunately didn’t succeed. He’s basically given up on life and wants to die.
he’s been living with us for months so we can ensure he takes all his medication and get his feeds into him. He asked to go home and lasted 10 days as wouldn’t take his meds or feeds (PEG line).
we brought him back to live with us but every day is an effort. We have to do everything for him and nag him 5-6 times to do simple things. We put a pill in his hand, we give him a glass of water and he’ll sit looking at it for an hour.
we just don’t know what to do next. If we take him home, he won’t take his meds or feed himself although he is 100% capable, he chooses not to.
Any advice?
I don't mean to suggest there isn't anything - for all I know he has a wealth of relationships and interests that could be reawakened to help comfort him. But survival at all costs isn't likely to cut it. Is anyone asking him about his feelings?
He may be having difficulty swallowing because of the radiation on his throat from the cancer. It is common for someone who goes through that to not be able to swallow without being in a lot of pain. Have you asked him about this? Sometimes people dont tell you there is a problem unless you ask.
Is he on antidepressants?
Have you called the psychiatrist who is managing his care?
How do you know his swallow is fine?
Why does he have a PEG tube?
And I will say again what I said in a previous post, if your father REALLY wanted to kill himself he would have already. What he's doing is just a cry for help and attention.
If he really wanted to die he would have forgone the radiation for his cancer right?
So other than placing him, it may also be beneficial to bring hospice on board. Perhaps if he hears the word hospice, he may decide that he actually does want to keep on living.
Or, you could have him committed to an in-patient psychiatric facility. You could sue for temporary emergency guardianship and force treatment
If he is ready to die now, the next time he brings it up then I would discuss doing hospice. If he wants to go home (understandably) I would do in home hospice with caregivers (if he and/or family can afford)
It is time to try for Hospice who will be frank and open, and who will listen to this gentleman about his own wishes for some control, and his own hopes for a peaceful death.
Often when such expressions of final wishes are spoken out loud the "answer" of well-meaning and fit people is to get a psychologist or take an anti-depressant. While each of these choices may have their place when we are dying, the first question of the mental health worker is often "Are you depressed". To this I can only say that making plans for a more peaceful end of life in the real light of a cancer diagnosis is likely not your most uplifting time. However, honesty and addressing the wishes of the dying CAN bring them a modicum of control, and some peace and understanding.
I very much hope you will discuss Hospice with this gentleman and with his doctors. And I wish you the very, very best as I wish him a peaceful end. My heart goes out to you all.
(Just as a sidebar: you may be interested to hear that OFTEN, when treatment is withdrawn, the throat heals from the onslaught of side effects of cancer therapy. The patient feels better, regains appetite, and has more joy in the last days of his or her life. That is to say, the quality of life greatly improves in many cases, as does the time left to the patient.)
Or, you can get him a consult with his doctor for antidepressant meds if he wants to try that route.
But you can't and shouldn't force him to eat/drink and be merry if what he wants to do is die.
I'm sorry you're faced with such a situation in the first place. When a person wants to die, he should realize there is more than ONE PERSON involved in that process, and everyone suffers.
Best of luck.
He sounds competent, so ask him if he wants the feeding tube. If he doesn't, then I'd be sure his wishes are in order (advance medical directive), then have the conversation with him about hospice.
I think the most important thing you can do is to take him and his desires seriously. No one should be forced to live through artificial means. If he wants to go, then he should be allowed to go.
it has got us thinking though that we should stop nagging and allow him to make his own decisions about whether to take his meds or food and if his condition deteriorates, refer medically so he can agree treatment or not with health professionals.