OnlyDaughter777 Asked July 2021
Elderly Mom is sleeping all the time and it is affecting my mental health. Any suggestions?
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My elderly Mom used to be more engaged but this last year she spends more and more time in bed and nothing else. I have talked with the doctor and psychiatrist. She says she is not depressed, just not feeling well. I am sympathetic as she is almost 89, but seeing her in bed all the time in the small place we share is depressing me. Can anyone suggest anything? Other than moving out to another place I find I cannot change her behavior. Maybe only how I react to it. I don't know what 88 is like. If you are taking care of someone with a similar situation, please let me know. Thank you..
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Other than that, you are correct in saying that you cannot change your mom, only yourself. Make sure when she is in bed and resting that you are getting out of the house and going and having some fun with your friends, or even by yourself. Going to lunch with friends, going shopping, or just for a walk around the neighborhood, can do wonders for your mental health.
Don't let moms choice to stay in bed, drag you down. You have a lot of living yet to do, so get out there and start taking care of you.
Does she have a nice place to sit, comfortable, temp pleasant for her? A view? does she have a tv in her bedroom? Even if she sits in a chair, better than staying in bed too much.
If she is not feeling well, maybe a visit with her doctor would help for her to discuss. I know it’s common for elders to say they are fine when asked but sometimes they will confide in a doctor or nurse things they don’t want to bother you with.
Does she have a wheel chair or rollator? Perhaps a walk outdoors in the evening or early morning would help. Does she come to the table for meals? Have a change in appetite? You don’t mention what your moms health concerns are so it’s a little difficult to be helpful. Might be way off here.
If you take her temp, her O2/pulse, BP, pay close attention to her elimination, you might ferret this out. How long has she been staying in bed? I know you say the trend is more often but keep a journal. Also weigh her. Is she bathing, regular, getting dressed each day? Combing her hair?
I can tell you of the half a dozen or more elders I have paid close attention to, At 88 they are doing fine. (except for two, one has Parkinson’s, the other had COVID, stroke and dementia. Even he is still up and about. Not staying in bed.)
But I don’t know what your moms health issues are.
My DH aunt, almost 95, with dementia and now on hospice, moved into her bedroom pretty much 24/7. She recently fractured or sprained her ankle (exray couldn’t tell) so now she is not getting up to sit in her chair. She would never admit to being depressed but she has been on an antidepressant for a few years and we increased it this year. It seemed to help for awhile. Right now she is confused why she is in bed but doesn’t want to get up. I can understand her staying in because she has lots of reasons. She is still bathed and changed daily and is noticeably feeling better. Next week her therapy will start.
So it’s an individual thing but do a thorough evaluation. If your mom is going into a decline, you will have a baseline. When you talk to the doctor you can provide that info. It makes her feel cared for and it lets you know that you are doing what you can.
A change of scenery is often a good tonic. Calling a friend or relative she can speak to might perk her up.
And of course, watch for signs of COVID and UTI.
As FG said don’t let yourself get run down. It won’t help either of you.
Sometimes we have expectations that simply are not possible to meet with our elders. I'd make sure she's hydrated, fed healthy food choices and bathed regularly and if she chooses to sleep the rest of the time, who is she hurting?
Be sure you have all the information first before you make any attempts to, er, change her behavior.
The service I work for takes care of people aged (so far) 22-101. We have clients of your mother's age who are doing brilliantly: I saw two just today who continue to make progress with washing, dressing and mobility; one has asked for an extra handrail so that she get back out to her garden as her next goal; one has invested in brand new hearing aids now that she's changed her mind about having "had enough."
Whatever her underlying health conditions, there may still be ways of motivating your mother to take more interest in life, perhaps for only an hour or two each day, perhaps restoring a more positive outlook to her more generally. But get professional advice based on professional assessment; and meanwhile can you do anything about respite breaks for yourself?
If everything comes up as being good, then let her sleep.
You have no info at all in your profile, so it's hard to give you advice about your mom's situation. Ask her doctor what s/he thinks is the best course of action to take, if anything.
Best of luck
My mother during her last few years also mostly slept. It is sad to see especially if you would like to interact with your mom but I guess if it makes her happy then try to accept it. I would get her to a doctor if this a new behavior for her cause there could possibly be an underlying health reason for this.
When we all get old we'll probably sleep a lot and then suddenly understand why our parents did.
"I find I can not change her behavior ...Maybe only how I react to it."
You have to change how you react.
Sleeping more is common.
You do not have anything in your profile detailing what problems your mom has so it is difficult to accurately provide answers.
With dementia increased sleeping is common and is used as a guide for how much a person has declined.
Some medications can cause increased sleepiness.
If mom is doing well otherwise and her doctor is not concerned then I would not be concerned.
But....
How active is mom?
Do you take her out for walks?
Do you take her for a drive?
Is she engaged when she is awake?
Have you given her tasks to do? Sort socks, fold towels, dust, peel vegetables, do puzzles, art, music????
Having a goal or purpose is important.
He wakes up at 7am and does not lay down again until 10pm. Medicine to relax him didn’t help.
He is in full dementia swing all day long.
I guess what I’m saying is no matter how it plays out, dementia is hard on everyone.
Try not to let this bother you. You are looking into it. You have talked to her, to her doc, etc. You are not just ignoring it. Try to engage her. Does she need to get up for meals? Is she capable of walking to the table to eat? Help her if needed, but maybe trying to get her up for at least short stints would make both of you feel better. Maybe get her out in the sunshine! That's always good for a person. Getting her outside on the early side of the day could help her melatonin and get her circadian rhythm back on track. But OTOH, at 88, she may just have had it and be tired.
I agree with someone else about blood work. Could be something simple that could give her back some of her energy.
Good luck!
i sure hope your situation works out the best for each of you.
After doctor appointments, she was wiped out! At one time we would enjoy stopping somewhere for lunch afterwards.but that changed and she was ready to go home to relax in her chair again.
It’s tiring for caregivers because I always felt as if I was living the same life as my mom. It’s hard for a younger caregiver to remain so sedentary. I would ride my exercise bike to move for awhile. I used to go for walks but there came a time that I couldn’t leave my house, so I had to use my bike more.
At 89 my father was wishing he'd died already. He felt old, tired and useless - especially as the falls and dementia were taking over his life. Dad's loss of independence took a big toll on him. He lived until 91 but did less and less - he lived and slept in his recliner - he even died in that recliner. Yes he was depressed but for him it was more being tired of life and waiting for death to visit him. He constantly asked why he wouldn't die - he was afraid his heart wouldn't stop; he was afraid God had forgotten about him. At one point I told him that maybe he hadn't finished his work on this earth.
On the other hand, mom turned 88 this year and is doing well - I actually moved her last week from AL back to IL - she was in AL because dad had needed it. The first year after dad's death she didn't want to move - but after being in lock down for the past year and the decline in the facility she lived in all of a sudden she couldn't wait to move. Mom just continues to plug along.
I wish you luck.
My sister works in a large Masonic Village community. She said the isolation caused by the Covid lockdown was apparent in residents at all levels of care.
Is it possible to take your mother to an adult daycare a day or two a week so she gets a chance to interact with others?
It may help to join even an online group of carers with more interaction and chat than this. Sleeping more is not uncommon and you need to find things to do that stop you getting depressed.
I also think a chat with a suitable therapist may help you, there may well be issues other than mother sleeping which are adding to your depression.
She is probably on some kind of medication that makes her this way.
Why don't you first start with all the Rxs she is on. Most all Seniors are taking way too many med's than needed.
Every RX you take does something else to your body.
Try laying off most all of everything she takes except the absolute life or death ones.
Also, even if she's taking a pill for something wrong with her, if she'll probably die before from old age than whatever the pill is for, stop with the pill.
Every med you take does something else which in turn makes you have to take another med.
Specially the ones they always give in Senior Homes to calm them or for anxiety, ect.
A big one is lack of taking in enough fluids. I literally monitor daily exactly what Mom drinks and eats. Pedialyte is mandatory daily. Two to three quarts of water. Milk. I prepare her meals and sit beside her when needed to make sure she eats. I also watch movies with her in my living room. We study the Bible together. It takes a lot of effort to keep her alert and interested in living life. Think about it. The elderly have lived through all the phases of teen yrs. The excitement of marriage and raising a family. Grandchildren. The older one gets the less useful others make them feel. They feel invisible most of the time.
I recently brought my dad in my home and this busy body is setting on my nerves already. So I'm thinking of trying adult daycare for a while.
This past year has wreaked havoc with everyone, not just your mom. While some certainly may be "winding down" and need more rest, one thing I have found is lack of movement leads to being more tired, which leads to more lack of movement and so on....
When she is awake and more alert, can you encourage her to take a walk? Even a short one? Every day try a few more steps and see how it goes. If she uses a walker, hopefully it is a rollator, so that if she does "tire out", you can have her sit on it to rest or use it to roll her back. Fresh air might be good as well.
Even if she naps after the tiring walk, any movement would be better than none - she would have been napping anyway! Maybe another short walk after her nap... If not a walk, then some light chair exercises. The body can get too used to not moving and slow down. So long as there isn't anything medically wrong, some "exercise" to get her body moving again might help.
When she is awake she wants to sew, go grocery shopping, bake something, go somewhere, go on vacation. Call someone to come cutdown her very, very large tree in her backyard, someone to blacktop her driveway, take food to a sick neighbor. All awake time she has BIG plans. In reality, she can not do anything. Can’t walk more than a few steps before she has to rest. Can’t hear anything unless you are screaming at her, can’t see almost everything. Can’t finish ANYTHING she starts, it’s up to me to finish once she gets started. She gets mad if I tell her no, that I am not going to do things “with” her.
I could go on forever, this is just the tip of the storm.
I say if your mom wants to sleep, LET HER!! I have been on this merry go round for almost 8 yrs, 24/7/365. JMO, In my world, her sleeping is the ONLY TIME I have any peace.
And as others have said, see that she eats, drinks enough, and is clean.
I wish you luck!
Perhaps you already have a good plan in place of nutrition, hydration, supplements, exercise, and appropriate medications. But, by the age of 88, we do need to be closely managing these things. If your doctor is not talking to you and your mom about her nutrition, fluid intake, vitamins, etc, consider a geriatric specialist.
Also, a geriatric nurse practitioner will do an annual medicaid wellness check which is a survey encompassing all components of health and wellness. This kind of assessment might be very useful for you.