The harder I try, the meaner she is to me. I am the youngest of four and have two Sisters and a Brother (I am 53 now). I was always bullied and teased by my parents and, as a result, my siblings. My family saw nothing wrong in this and I have been scape-goated all of my life by them. My parents marriage was not built from a loving relationship and was more of a practical deal. Having children was just something they did because they could and not because they wanted to pass on the best to us.
My Mother is the quiet half of twins and her lovely sister has told me that when they were children my Mother manipulated things so that her Sister would take the blame for her mistakes and also that my Grandmother was cruel and brutal to my Aunt. My Mother's Father died suddenly when she was 14.
My Mother spreads gossip and lies about me and my family no longer talk to me because she has told them I am monster. She says I am twisted - that she hates me - that I have ruined her life and she would not care if I died. She tries to turn my children against me too
There are no photographs of me as a baby and she says she never meant to have three daughters. I therefore assume I was meant to be a boy or was a mistake. I never had a bedroom of my own and had to share with my very mean older sister.
My Father is now 91 and totally disabled. He likes to see me because I cheer him up and I am the only one bothered with him. She is cruel to him too and I have had to call her GP in the past because of this. But she has told me that I am no longer welcome.
Lately I have decided that it is time I stepped away and left her to it because of the debilitating effect her behavior has on me.
Make your own life. I have a framed saying a friend gave me, "Friends become our chosen family." So make your own "new" family of caring people and let your biological family go. Hugs...
It sounds like your father was not totally guiltless of the dysfunction in your family. And yet you can have some kind of relationship with him now. Which probably means you have such a relationship with your mother, if she would allow it. She won't. Back off.
It is kind of sad to turn your back on your father at this point. But he apparently didn't come to your defense when you were being mistreated. So do what you have to do now.
Can Father have phone conversations? Would a card or note in the mail regularly cheer him up? Don't abandon him if you can avoid it. But, yes, step away from Toxic Mom.