My mother (92) with dementia has decided she wants to sleep in my bed every night. How do I stop it?

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My mother (92) with dementia has decided she wants to sleep in my bed every night. How do I stop it?

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My husband passed away a few years ago. I have my mother, who has dementia, part of the year while my sister has her the other part. Recently, my mother has decided she wants to sleep with me. I'm with her 24/7 and my bedroom is my only alone time. She plays on my emotions by crying and saying she is lonely. She's happy most of the time until bedtime. This is new, she has only started doing this the past few weeks but, I need to stop it some how. We've always gotten along well and we had a good routine with me tucking her in and then she plays games on her iPad a while and goes to sleep. My sister still has her husband so she doesn't do this with her, just me. HELP!

Alzheimer's & Dementia

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Just say "no, that's not going to work". Goodness - don't you derseve even the tiniest bit of privacy and peace? Don't attempt to reason or explain - just repeat the above sentence and change the subject.

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Maybe get her a soft cuddly kitten or puppy to take to bed with her?

I don't know enough about your situation to guess whether this is manipulation, neediness, or loneliness, so I'm just offering a kind of middle ground suggestion.

Perhaps you could also put on soothing bedtime music to help her fall asleep, if that's by any chance one of the issues.

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We really do have to draw lines. I ran into a problem just today. My mother's doctor wanted me to check her glucose 2 hours after lunch and give extra insulin if needed. I realized that this would take away my afternoons -- the only time I have to get out of the house to go shopping or to get some exercise and visit with friends. I wrote her doctor this morning and said that we can't do it like that. It sounds terrible that I'm not willing to lock myself in the house all day every day for something as important as an extra insulin shot if needed. But I can't do that and have any quality of life for myself. I need to know that I can go out on some afternoons to refresh myself. I've been here 24/7 for 7 years now except when I go out in the afternoons. I had to draw a line on how much I'm willing to give. (She won't accept any hired help in the house.)

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I have an adult son with Autism. I have noticed many similarities between dementia and autism. Stacy is absolutely correct in saying rituals are key - they provide a sense of security- the person knows what comes next even if it is somewhat instinctual due to repetition. However - I'm afraid you put your foot in it by allowing it to have already happened - now you've got to break the habit. I realize it's painful to hear your mother cry - but you said it yourself - it's done to manipulate you. This can be a long journey you're on - and things will only get harder. If you don't start setting boundaries and sticking to them you are going to end up exhausted and bitter. In the long run - being allowed to sleep by yourself will make you a better caregiver.

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Oh, that would be awful no matter how much you loved her. Just say no, that you'd never be able to sleep with her in the bed. I believe in this case you can be honest. Then maybe you could get her a stuffed animal, like GardenArtist mentioned.

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You were typing at the same time as me, aanie, so the stuffed animal idea is out. Just stick to your no. We want them to be happy, so it can be hard to remember that our feelings are as important as theirs. You have the right to have your alone time in your bed. You give so much to your mother already in taking care of her half the year. Her life has been much better because of it. There is a point, though, that we can't give anymore and have any quality to our own lives. Just keep saying no when she asks. It is asking too much of you.

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You might try a body pillow. It gives the feeling of someone being in bed with you. Just to clarify, though, is she more concerned about you sleeping alone or herself? The bed pillow would only help if she's feeling lonely.

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I have two cats that sit with her during the day but, only sleep with me.
I actually got her two stuffed dogs. The soft cuddly one to sleep with and one of those "breathing" ones. I'm trying to be more "hands on" affectionate so she has that closeness. I do think the crying is just playing on my emotions. She is controlling the situation that way.

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I'm guessing that your bedroom and bed is your only form of privacy when she is around. I'm an introvert by nature and I need my own space and that's my bedroom. I've no problems sharing it with my dogs but I need to be away from people. Don't let her manipulate her into moving into your room as well. It looks like you do have a bedtime routine maybe you could give her a sleep aid but check with her doctor first. How far along is she with dementia? Maybe the moving between you and your sister is becoming a little too much.

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As I said in a different thread recently - dementia wins the argument everytime- at least in their mind. Reasoning and explaination does no good. You can't give in this one - how's it going to be if - and likely - she becomes continent?

My mother (92) with dementia has decided she wants to sleep in my bed every night. How do I stop it?

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