Elderly mother’s resistance to wearing face mask during Covid crisis - anyone had a similar problem?
In the UK we are all now required by law to wear face masks when shopping and visiting other indoor businesses. The government has positioned this as the caring thing to do: wearing a mask to protect others in case you are are an asymptomatic carrier of the virus, thus reducing virus transmission. My mother is an avid follower of the News and all things Covid, she knows how this has torn through our country leaving tens of thousands dead or seriously ill, yet she is resisting mask wearing when going out. Earlier this week we went into our local town, with our masks ready for use. When we got to the Bank, she said she couldn’t find her mask despite me checking that she’d got it before we left the house, and then said she was going inside anyway, without it. Of course she was stopped at the door, where the assistant kindly but firmly gave her a mask from a big box they had for this very purpose, and she had to put it on before going any further. When she came out she was furious about having to wear the mask, saying that it messed her hair up, despite the fact that she’d just been given one for free and that there were signs everywhere, outdoors as well as indoors, reminding people about mask wearing. Yesterday we went to the greengrocers and I made her put the mask on before we got out of the car, but then I heard her complaining bitterly to the shop assistant about it. The assistant patiently smiled and said that she’d soon be able to take it off when she’d finished her shopping. My mother took this comment at face value and whipped off the mask before she’d actually left the shop. When I challenged her about it outside she said the assistant had said she could take it off, which was patently untrue. Once again she started complaining about hating having to wear it, it was hot, she didn’t like it, it messed up her hair, like a petulant child. I felt that all of these complaints could have been said by any of us, but we are all just putting up with it for the good of our society and community. I have told her that if she won’t wear it, I won’t take her to the shops again. My mother has always been selfish and is a narcissist, so appealing to her to do the right thing to protect others is wasted on her. I just wondered if anyone else had had this problem, and if so, what they’d done about it?
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My friends son has CP it is a struggle for him to wear the mask and walk around. He's good for about 10 minutes and then it is too much for him. We try to make the errand short and one of us will go out to the car with him while the other finishes.
your mother's behaviour is NOT your responsibility.
Accessing your Zen-like calm place when your loved elder does or says crashingly embarrassing things in public is a crucial skill :)
[thinks: I've never met this person...]
Been there, done that! Actually, I've never used the "D" word with mom. In her uneducated mind it meant you were "off your rocker", aka crazy. She also attributed her forgetfulness to being old AND being entitled to forget sometimes. Key word there is "sometimes." 10 minutes was often being generous! What she was forgetting was also more than she realized (for instance, she wasn't cooking, just eating frozen dinners and boxed crap, had to put meds in timed/locked dispenser, but still needed someone to stop in a check that she took them, etc.)
While some of the behaviors seen with dementia seems "crazy", it really isn't. It is a brain disorder, which one can say about many other "crazy" disorders. In mom's case, she's far enough into this that there wouldn't be any way to keep a mask on her. They required it for her eye treatment (4x/year), but were understanding about it. Just today I got a reply from her doc office regarding my question about refilling her BP meds - generally they require an exam but between age (97), hearing loss/not wearing the hearing aid, refusal to stand/walk on her own and dementia, this wasn't really an option. The nurse suggested I sit with her for TeleHealth. Really? I am NOT allowed to be with her, she wouldn't be able to hear or understand, and seriously, how would you check her heart, pulse and BP remotely??? She processed the refills for 1 year. (my annual was scheduled in July and they called to suggest TeleHealth - again, really? How do you actually do a physical without me being there? No weight, height, BP, lung/heart listen, etc. I have no conditions to treat and take no Rx, so what's the point, other than you get to charge it full price! They rescheduled me for February next year.)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KQP3YFJOhDg
When he rode with me he would spout this as if we hadn’t heard it a hundred times already. The nerve damage was real. We were sympathetic to that factor. I told him fine, but for safety he would need to ride in the back seat. He would put the seatbelt on.
We always had to go through this but I wouldn’t start the car until it was settled. A little harder for you with the mask.
As for whether or not masks are "healthy" or "work," I encourage people to get their information from reliable sources: Centers for Disease Control, National Institute of Health, WHO or the equivalents for your country. I also recommend the same when it comes to treatments for COVID. I know for a fact how much misinformation is out there since I am an RN and see it in social media all day long.
Oh and the air isn't fresh as it is hot and you can't circulate fresh air into the air conditioned building without cooking everyone.
Here our medical health officer requested everyone wear one. When asked if it would protect others from the virus she admitted that no it does not.
There are certain folks that cannot wear masks ( I am one of them) and here in Canada you are not harassed if you do not wear one for medical reasons. In respect of others I stay six feet back when in a grocery store and go on off hours when the store is almost empty. That is the only time I go out.
When mom goes visiting friends in a seniors home she stays six feet away and there is no problem as they are outside. Many of the residents refuse to wear them and she cannot wear one for medical reasons.
If your mother is being selfish and narcissist then just be firm and inform her these are the rules and she has a choice: obey them or stay home. You have to be firm with a narcissist.
If you have drawn that line in the sand, STICK TO IT! If my mother was still mobile and cognitively aware, she would either wear it or be left at home. Leaving her in the car isn't the best way to deal with this issue. Cars can get hot, even with windows open.
Our mother has dementia. Her Macular Degeneration treatment was delayed a month. When they called again, it was to ask questions and list "rules". One rule was she had to go in alone. This doesn't apply for kids, but when I mentioned that she has dementia and also won't stand or walk unassisted, they said someone could go in with her. Then came the mask requirement. I laughed, and said good luck with that! Staff had to take away her hearing aid as she would keep taking it out. One very new one went AWOL, likely wrapped in tissue or napkin at mealtime and tossed. She doesn't even like staff wearing the masks. I think part of it is she is minimally able to read lips, a bit, but with a mask, she can't do that.
YB is now the designated transport. The place is outside the facility transport and I can no longer support her weight. HE has tried twice now to get out of this. It is only 4x/year!!! He actually called them the day before the appt to try to get out of it because she likely wouldn't wear the mask. I told him they were aware of the issue, but what do I know? He could have called sooner to address this, but as usual he waits to the last minute for things like this!
So, if your mother has her "faculties", then it is her choice - wear it or stay home.
As I commented to someone else, a ventilator or coffin will mess up her hair a lot more and longer than wearing a mask while shopping!! Find some images to show her! And stand your ground on that line in the sand!!!
Tell mom she can either wear her mask and not complain or stay home. She can make you a grocery list. We often use a grocery delivery service and I shop online. Try to get as many things delivered as you can and make it easier for you.
Even better, remind her that if she gets really ill with this virus, a ventilator, or worse, a coffin, is a lot more restrictive and hair-messing that a mask needed for a short while in a store!
You can twll your mom, she had a choice wear one when mandatory or stay home or wait in the car
If your mom is fussy about many things, then it could be a sign of aging brain. You could emphasize that the virus is in the air and trying to invade her body, that you have to protect your mother from this invader trying to find ways to get in. I bought a pack of the clear plastic face shields -- I am not sure if they replace a mask, or if the law accepts them as a substitute.
Also, to help her get through it, quantify how long she has to wear it: show her on her own calendar that the vaccination will be available in maybe two months. If she goes to a store 2x/wk, then she will don a mask 16 times, each time for average of ten minutes, so she'll wear a mask 160 minutes. Just like a pedometer traces steps, or a fitbit traces things, she can use a counter on her cellphone. If you are going grocery shopping, then make a list beforehand so she can limit store-time. Quantification may give her back some control over her life, plus you give it a finite duration, say three months before the vaccination is available. And be very very patient -- this is difficult for many seniors to deal with. Everybody is handling the stress in different ways. She can even keep a diary about it and let her favorite news media know how she's doing with her challenge.
Another thing that you can do is give her reward points for each minute (timed) that she has a mask on. Give her a nice reward, too.
Another thing -- on the Lung.org website, there is a tutorial on face mask wearing, including tips to acclimate to wearing a face mask. Read to her the face mask wearing rationale and the tips. There may be a video.
If you think it may help, you can also share with her that many other people feel the way she does, but that she is lucky to have someone (you) to help her through this rough patch, and that you have her back.
Also, always carry extra masks for your mom. EArly on, I accordian-pleated a paper towel and used two rubber bands for ear loops. I still do that occasionally, because they are SO familiar in fabric, (paper towel); you can add a square of TP as a new filter each time. It's not the greatest, but it's easy and understandable.
She is SO lucky to have you. Hang in there, caregiver. My mom is 97 and never leaves the house, and I'm her caregiver. Your mom is lucky she can still go out.