My mum is 87 and my dad is 93. They are both healthy relative to their ages. My mum has high blood pressure and my dad gets weaker and tireder with age but this is to be expected. They live independently and are also snowbirds and although there is some memory loss no dementia that we are aware of. The problem is that my mother is enraged with my father 24/7. It doesn't matter what he does she is in full anger towards him all the time. It drives her blood pressure up and I can't imagine the toll it takes on dad. He is very forgiving of her and most of the time he takes it. My sister and I are in a constant state of angst as it is extremely difficult to watch and talking to her doesn't seem to have any effect whatsoever. It can be so bad that we are concerned she may cause him or her to have a heart attack at some point or that she will totally loose it and start in with physical abuse. I can't find anything on this topic in my research. Has anyone else had to deal with this issue?
It's a bad habit and happens when guys are too nice and take a lot of crappola. I only get that way with my husband when he has been really bad, and deserves it, but it could be daily. Just kidding. Lol
Dad is not going to change, it's a little late in the game for Mom to read "The Total Woman," but maybe she could be given "a little something."
Additionally, I must interject my all time favorite advice as it is comforting and does get good results: Sex and Pasta. And wine:) xoxo
They've been married seventy-something years, though, and are strongly bonded to each other. They married in their teens back in the olden days. She is most abusive when she is feeling stressed. When I got to know them better, I would scold her. She would acquiesce and behave. It may be because I was talking from the outside of her family. I don't know if it would have worked so well if I had been family.
The history they share between them helps them to understand each other in this couple's case. What looks abusive is not so much. However, other couples could have worse problems. What does your father think about the abuse? Does scolding you mother have any effect at all? I wonder if having a friend say something to her might help. If you think your father is being injured by her words, I would see what I could do to get her to stop. Sorry I do not have a more helpful answer. It is hard to know what to do when a couple has been married a long time.
Both are 89. My mother has always been controlling, verbally abusive, manipulative, selfish, narsistic, ... I believe she has a personality disorder. My father has always been kind, hardworking, extremely intelligent and successful. He was very good to his family and my mother had a privledged life (by most standards) and Dad treated her well.
Dad now suffers from dementia/alzhemiers, is now living( and safe) in a nursing facility where he is thriving. Long story- I tried to intervene but was unsuccessful... until a major event.. Repeated injuries- including a broken neck ( has healed).
My thoughts, it does not matter whether your mother suffers from a personality disorder, has depresson or dementia, is just plain mean and verbally abusive. Bottom line she is 87 years old, abusive, rageful, unlikely to change and your 93 year old father is at risk. It is the final chapter and season of our father's life and he deserves to be safe and live in peace. Yes, one unhappy soul can make a home a living hell. (Sounds like mom may have some medical issues to address, depression?, dementia? obviously is not coping)
The good news, you and your sister recognize the problem and obviously love your Dad. Living arrangments must change to protect your father. Sad but true.
Sorry to be so blunt but the consequences can be dire . 24/7 the time to act is now.
Heart felt response. Take Care. Sand 56
Out visiting nurse commented once, "I really like coming into your home. It is a pleasure to see the respect between you and Coy." I thought that was most odd. Didn't most of the couples she visited show respect for each other? I wondered if disease and especially dementia changed their relationship?
But I have come to the conclusion that people who had genuine respect for each other before an illness continue in that respect. It may become deeper and more fine-tuned, because the need is so great. But respectful, caring people do not suddenly become self-centered and cruel. One of my friends was in despair over how blatant her parents' disregard for one another became as they aged and became infirm. But she acknowledged that this was not new. It was just more obvious as they spent more time together.
I really don't think there is much a grown child can do to improve an unhealthy relationship that his or her parents have endured for decades.
Try playing some of their favorite music for them, from when they were young. If they are in their 80's play some Big Band.
I’m glad for you because I think you’re definitely on the right path trying to get your mom on some medication that may do the ‘magic trck’! Just beware that I think it takes a lot of trial and error to find the right medication/dosage/combination, but it is worth it, just be patient!
You don’t mention if this is something that has come with age or if it’s just an aggravated behavior that has always been there. But either way, I think for a couple that has been together so long, the potential “remedy” may actually kill them, if the remedy is to try to place them in separate locations. They, in a very self destructive way sometimes- are a unit; their bond is beyond what you and I can understand, so, your dad probably will always choose to stay in that situation than to be without your mom...but of course it doesn’t hurt to ask him! Maybe he’d say yes! Move me out!! :)