My elderly parents treat me as their whipping board. How do I handle this?

First talk to your Dad then your brother. Talk to an attorney. He'll be able to help you with legal issues, or is there a welfare agency that can give you info. It's really difficult to deal with things from a distance and your brother really needs to come for a visit to help set things up.

Sandy, thank you for responding. I almost feel guilty even writing my comment and, probably, should have put it under caregiving. It was my first time on this site and I was over whelmed that day. My dad isn't always rational due to his lack of oxygen and my mom just has issues. Dad and I can usually work things out, but my mom can be a bear. Whatever she wants she gets because she's dying and my dad is heartbroken. mom's cognition is declining which makes things worse. He's dying too, but in his mind that doesn't matter. As for my brother, I wrote to him about our parents 60th anniversary and he never even answered me. His attitude is that our parents are still going, and that's all that matters. I have found some peace in just reading about other people and their plights. I realize now I can't make everything better and it's not my fault when my parents unleash. I just need to calmly and consistently handle things - I guess. My best to you!

PSJ: why does your brother have PoA when you are the caregiver and he lives so far away? PoAs are given to those who are in the best position to assess your parent's needs. There will come a time when immediate decisions need to be made and your brother may be too hard to reach. Talk to your Dad and see if it isn't wiser to have the PoA changed.
In every family there are those who step up and those who step back.

My heart goes out to you, Things might be a bit different here in Canada so I don't have agency info. Hopefully someone else who has dealt with this will reply.

Is your Dad a vet? If so see the info about their helps.

Thanks everyone, but the POA will never change. I lived away from my dysfunctional family for 15 years. Being a female, and talking to the doctors gently, but truthfully has my mom in an uproar. My dad will never cross her. My parents are not quite ready for a nursing home and can't afford anything but what they have. I just really needed to say some things out loud. I am much better having found this wonderful site and realizing that I need to learn to deal with what I have and not wish for something different. I now get up at 5:00 am to swim and that has helped my stress level tremendously. Thank you all for your kind words and wisdom.

God bless you and grant you peace.

Psjpotter: I totally "get" and understand what you are going through. I read somewhere that an adult child caring for her elder thought to herself: "Raising my kids was a snap compared to this." I have found the same to be true while helping my parents through their final years on this earth. I love my parents more than anything, as I'm sure many or most of us here do, and have committed to keep on giving to them as long as I hold out. However, I have also learned along the way a couple things: to take time to nurture myself to preserve my sanity, health, and energy....and also not to take personally what my elderly parent says to me when he/she is speaking abusively. This is a tough one, no doubt! My mother died a couple years ago; she refused to accept hospice care toward the end ( she was very independent minded) which put a greater burden on my father and me. Now with my father, there are "declining cognition" issues to deal with, and I'm doing the best I can, as we all are. I am thankful for this forum to express myself transparently, and in private--without judgment. I would never judge another person on this forum either, because I know what we are all going through. It's harder than I ever imagined. I have found that God has provided "angels" along the way to help me when I had little to no strength left to care for my parents. These "angels" would show up right at the time I needed them, in the form of caring human beings. I admit at those times I felt pushed to my absolute breaking point, but then one of these angels would show up. I pray the same for you and everyone else here.

Oh, you are so right. Angels! I have a couple of those who sit on my shoulder and help guide my way. They're what can make life beautiful and right when things seem to be going so wrong. Thank you for your kind response. Please take good care. P

Dear psjpotter,

My heart really goes out to you. How did you learn of your mother's diagnosis? I am dealing with the same with my mother, only my dad has Advanced State Alzheimer's. My mom just got over Breast Cancer treatment, too. However, dealing with her Borderline Personality Disorder is the most difficult thing we've ever had to do. She is currently doing what the book, "Stop Walking On Eggshells, Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder," (by Mason & Kreger) says they will do: My mom is waging a full assault "Distortion Campaign" against me. She's calling the police, writing letters to family, lying to physicians, attorneys, etc., saying I am "abusing her," stealing, etc. I have also contacted the police several times concerning her (a friend is a State Police Trooper, and he went to court to try and help me). It's a living nightmare. But if you've read the book, there are suggestions in there to follow and walk you through. There's NOTHING we can do to make things better. It just is what it is, save a miracle from God. But, I'm also realistic, and living with, or caring for someone with BP is nothing short of a nightmare!!!!!

I wish I had some hope to offer you (and me). Simple truth you already know is: it's just plain awful. I do hope you have a good support system in place, of people who love and care about YOU. That will make a huge difference on how well you do. So sorry you have to suffer through all you have, and will be going through. Know you're not alone, and someone is praying for you. Please let us know how you're doing...

Dear anne123, and sunny43, may our God also bless each of you!

This is quite a day for me, and the type of day that will carry me for months. First, I received a response from someone about angels. Angels are something that are so powerful to me and something I cherish with all my heart. Now you come along with the name "secret sister". My sister and I were at odds all our lives, and then I ended up caring for her through all her cancer stages. The beautiful thing about that was that I got my sister back in my life. She taught me how to truly love and cherish what we have. I do miss her. Mom was never diagnosed, but after talking with a cousin and doing some research I realized what my family had been dealing with all our lives. My poor father, he knows and says mom is "mental". Maybe not the nicest way to say things, but from his generation it is quite acceptable. Dad, bless his heart, stayed with my mom and tried to make her happy. He is a beaten man. We all know that's impossible. Mom has done the letter writing and the lies and manipulations and acting out. She hasn't "acted out" in about 6 months, so I am calmer than I was. I just have my days where no matter how good things are going she can still hurt me. I try super hard to remember she does have a disorder. I have to admit on my worst days I think she's evil because she has made the decision, over and over not to get help. My aunt and uncle are my support group and my surrogate parents. I think people like us really need someone to believe in us and just love us. The rest of my family all know mom "acts out", and refuse to be around her if she's bad, but they won't do anything to help. That's hard, but I didn't become a caregiver for brownie points. Somehow, I try to find a silver lining with each day that dawns. Today, I received two beautiful and supportive responses, and that makes me stronger, again. My mom doesn't go as far as calling the police, but she does call everyone and anyone who will listen to her lies. My aunt and uncle have been on the receiving end of her twisted letters and have seen her in action. That has helped me keep my sanity. I started swimming, and that has helped lower my BP. Let me know if I can help you sometime. You have been wonderful and made my day. Thanks!

pjspotter you've written some beautiful words and I can tell through your writing that you are truly a beautiful person.

I too have been the blunt of harsh words but I keep in mind that our elders always hurt the ones that are closest to us.

My mom has said some hurtful things to me, and although I've removed myself from that situation I feel for you and I think you're a wonderful person.

Keep on keepin' on :)

p.s. I agree with you.....there are angels on this site!

Please Lord; help us to help them. Even though they may hate us in their twisted old minds. Envelope us in your divine protection; that they not "take us out with them". Give us the stregnth to do what needs to be done and the compassion to do it. That our sanity remain intact in the face of this adversity and we come out on the other side better people. That we NOT do this to our own children. In Jesus name we pray. Amen.

Nightmare, is right. Reading all these things around here, since finding it last night assures me I'm not alone ... but it still doesn't make what we deal with any better, any less traumatic, huh?

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm at my wits end with my 97 year old father.
It's not that I'm happy that others are going through what I am, but reading of similar situations makes me know I'm not alone. I could go on and on with upsetting stories of what I deal with on a day to day basis. I, like others, are
mostly hurt by the insulting, nasty derogatory names I'm called. It's now branched out to the adult grandchildren who treat him like a king at family functions. In my situation my father was always self centered, controlling
and nasty. So at his advanced age this behavior has only magnified. I will continue to visit this site for strength .

My mom is an intolerable narcissist, and looks down on anyone who is old, frail, sickly or wrinkled. She has all these things and more, but refuses to admit it. All those old people got old because it was THEIR FAULT and they got what they deserved. As far as shes concerned they should all be gassed. This attitude amazess my sister and myself, cause mom has been dependent on us since Pop died 6 years ago and we havent had a month go by without some sort of old age emergency.She has alienated everyone in her family and friends...the only way to get on with her is to ignore her for days on end, and then she behaves herself.I used to think elder abuse was the most horrific thing that could happen, but now, after 5 years with Mom, when I hear the term elder abuse my first response is..."where do I sign up???"

We moved to a house with an in-law apt about 4 months ago to have a place for my mother-in-law to live and be cared for to avoid nh placement. she was diagnosed with stage iv lymphoma last fall. presently she is cancer free. since she moved in she has been unhappy stating we don't treat her as family, don't spend enough time with her etc. It seems like no matter what we do it isn't enough. We recently had a big blow-up and she decided to move out. I was angry and hurt. She accused me of changing and making her feel unwelcome. Notably I was in the hospital for 6 days with septic uti; went home on sat and then back towork on that mon and wed. We then left for san diego for a family wedding , btw we took her with us. I am so angry and hurt right now that after caring for her and before the death of my father in law, him as well. I have not spoken to her since that time-about 3 weeks ago. She is still inour home in a beautiful basement apt.
I have said i have nothing left to offer and/or give her. I feel completely burned out. My question is do I owe her anything? She has become an unsafe person to me and I feel really bad. I work in the health care industry so it goes against my grain to be treating someone like this

Tell ya what ... re "elder abuse" ... yes, it happens, but too often not like one might think. It's "elder abuse" all right ... by the "eldEST!" ... parents being nasty, vicious to their children who are old enough themselves to be considered "elders." Very sad.

Psjpotter, I know what you are going through, I walking down that same dark path with you. I have taken so much verbal abuse from my mother, that I can't take it any more. She lashes out at me for no reason. It appears "she gets pleasure out of giving me pain" When I visit her in the nursing home, I leave every time with a headache. It has been one year now and I have forgiving my mother as the good books says 70X70. She is so abusive that now I am beginning to fear her. She wishes ill-will upon the rest of my siblings. She is hoping that we all are cursed for placing her in a nursing home. She is also hoping that some of us die before she does. It is a terrible experience. I don't know what to tell you. I had to step away maybe for a month and take a break. She is not going to change. She hates me so much, she even slanders my name with my other brother and sisters. I can't take anymore. So I am hoping that you step away for a while and breathe a breath of fresh air from all of this. Maybe she will appreciate you more. God bless you
psjpotter and my God's holy peace be upon you. "I feel your pain"

Stuck1, sadly to say no matter how old we get, our parents still see us as children. As children if they abuse us then, they will continue to abuse us in their elderly state of mind. My mother treats me as if I am still her child. She can't disconnect, the child, the adult or even as senior citizens. We are children and we are suppose to take the abuse because they are our parents. May God have mercy on all the care givers that are on this site. Because there is strength in numbers but we are all One.

i am so thankful for this site and everyone and and encourging word i too understand the abuse and resentment all us feel my mom is very hard to deal with sometimes and i know its because she feels bad and ill keeping trusting and asking our Lord Jesus for strength and comfort too take care of parents and remember his is our stength and comforter hang in there all

Each one of you hit home with me and my experiences with my abusive mother and brother who live in the same home. I live next door so I can help them with daily living; although they are both able to dress, feed themselves, etc. I mostly do the errands, taking them places, go over the bills, and any other thing that they cannot or will not do. My brother is a verbal abuser, but can have the tendency of blind rage and can be harmful. As lillyvalley123 stated re: if we were abused as a child, we would be abused by them as they become old. This is very true, and also the abuse the elderly dish out in later years, speaking for myself, is worse. My mother has become violent, saying things that are not true, pitting one person against another, and many more horrible behaviors. I pray each day for guidance from our Lord, and most recently I ask Him to allow her to go to her higher self and become pleasant to all...it helps. She has been mild for about 3 weeks. Awaiting the next blow-up from her, but fervently praying that it won't happen and we can live in somewhat harmony. I am also considered elderly now, so it is the elder abusing the elder...ironic isn't it?? I an thankful and grateful for a loving husband and children that help me cope. I also forgive my mother and brother and try to do what Jesus would do...this helps me focus on the what's right and good in my life. Don't get me wrong...it is VERY hard sometimes not to get sad and depressed by all this. May God bless and keep you/us all in His loving arms.

My mother and subsequently too now, my father, and I are sadly estranged. My mother has been so awful to me all my life so her behavior, though ramped up as she has gotten older, is not alarming as it is nothing new. I have siblings who she coddles, often right in front of me, to hurt me. She has told me many times different versions of "I never bonded with you" for a very long time. They have money, so there is something of a carrot hanging over everyone's head. Not mine. They have tried to get me to do whatever their whims have been forever, having spread the rumor as long ago as almost thirty years, that they are maybe going to 'write me out of the will'. I am immune to their threats now. Three times a charm for me. My mother was 20 when she had me and I already have so many of the arthritic issues, etc. that run in my dad's family and nothing of the extreme longevity that runs in hers, it seems highly likely she will out live me anyway! That would really drive her nuts! Ha!
My mother is definitely BPD and NPD. My dad, who was an only child, has what I call "only child syndrome". I have always loved my dad, but he is also narcissitic and really does seem to think they they together are the center of the universe. Although I went to a Christian grade school, where I was daily taught the Bible and went to Chapel on Wednesdays, when I tried to bring devotions home as a little kid my parents poo poo-ed it and were not supportive or responsive. My dad couldn't hide his fascination with porn and I found it all over the house as a kid. All the while, we were a "religious" family, who never missed church on Sundays. There was a lot of verbal and some physical and even very slight (if that terms can even be used in this case) sexual abuse too, so it was very confusing to me growing up. Neither of them ever said they were wrong or sorry for anything and I have figured out then and now, they prefer that we actually 'worship' them the most of all. My adulthood early on consisted of trying to please them, be a 'good girl' but hating myself and going through first one abusive marriage to a man just like my mother and having 3 kids with him. It took some real psychological help from professionals to figure out myself and my choices. I have never 'blamed' them but once I figured out why I did what I did, it all made sense. Although after that I did have another failed marriage, I developed a successful career, raised good kids and finally got it right in marrying the right person (11 years). My mother is hateful to me and will write the worst stuff to me (I won't accept her emails - blocked her - and would never take her call now if she did call me). She tells ME that I need professional help and I am crazy, etc. although I am the only one in my family who has ever HAD professional help! It's all so twisted that I just cannot talk to them or work things out. I had to let go, put them in my prayers and get on with a healthy life.
I know they will be taken care of and they have plenty of money. If they didn't, I would do the right thing(s) by them but I would never let them live in my home or kill myself to please them. There would be and has never been any point in that anyway! I read a lot of things from people who seem to wish things could be different. Well, wishing and hoping will not make it so. It's funny; my parents have always acted as if everyone wants to take advantage of them (financially) but I am the one who doesn't want anything to do with their money or want anything from them and I am the one they seem to hate (or in my father's case, he just seems to fain bafflement and ignorance as to why 'the girls' (my mother and me) can't seem to get along and abdicates just like Pontius Pilate, washing his hands of all of it. It's a control thing and I think it's important to be free. You only get one life.

the first step is too detach and start taking care of yourself-none of you family wants to help-take back your power from them -do not go the extra mile for them-you do not need to get in a dialog with them

I can totally understand what everyone is going through. My mother has lived with me in my house for 20 years. She is in her 90's and has always been narcissistic and mean but it has amplified over the years. I'm a widow now and I have no social life because of her. Once a month I do go out with friends for a few hours but she has a fit when I do. I went with a friend to a Christmas party for a few hours and she was furious. She treated my friend rudely and refused to eat when I came home. I didn't leave her alone (I never do). My son was here so there is no reason why I can't go out for a few hours once in a while. She doesn't want to leave the house and she doesn't want me to either. I work from home most days so I don't get out to see people much. I can't even talk to someone on the phone without her throwing a fit about it. I hate to say it but my life will get better when she's gone. The only thing I fear is I won't have my health. I've had several surgeries this year and I still have some pain so I don't know if I'll be able to have a life some day. I take care of her every need but there's no gratitude. I do have a sibling but she can't be bothered helping. I would get outside help but I know she wouldn't accept it and it would only make things worse. I can really relate to everyone on this site. I do pray alot and hope one day my prayers will be answered.

If your brother has PoA, call him and tell him you will stop caring for your parents unless this is given to you. If he refuses, know he will take evverything and leave. Let him burn thru his inheritance by placing them in professional care. You are about to knock yourself out for nothing. Dont do it. They dont care about you enough to treat you fairly, walk away.

Redhed I agree with you. Forgiving does not mean that you are supposed to be a doormat and be abused. POA should go hand in hand with the care giving aspect of things. If you are not able to properly 'care' for her, meaning also paying with her funds for the things she needs, then you should not have this yoke around you neck. You have to come to terms within yourself that what you have done and are doing for her is out of - if not love - then duty and doing the 'right thing' regardless of her behavior. She is safe and in a place appropriate for her condition. Hand it over and have a life.

It saddens me to read story after story of this type of 'agony'. People who do the right thing getting betrayed by siblings. My father, (age 87), who has survived my later mother, favors my younger sister/only sibling. She is a lesbian, living for decades with her life partner, a very successful family counselor/psychologist. My sister owns a lovely house she rents out, while she lives in a million-dollar home with her partner. My sister wants for nothing. Yet she cranks my father for money and possessions. She got the bulk of my mother's impressive gold jewelry collection, which she immediately liquidated, by telling my father she needed dental work (which didn't get done, it's been 3 years now). Dad feels so sorry for sis because 'she doesn't have a man in her life', as I do, a husband who's retirement annuity will go to his ex-wife should he precede me in death, and he's 5 years older than I am. I live in the same town as my father and see him twice a week without fail (he lives independently), and my sister is 350 miles away, visiting once or twice a year. While we have a family trust, dad also has a bank account in both of our names, in separate banks. Sister's account earns more interest, because, lord knows, she needs it. While I would like to imagine that sister gives a rat's patoot about dad, I know that whenever she talks about him, it's about the physical and verbal abuse he and my mother heaped on her after I left home (and thus deprived them of their whipping girl). Sis really could care less, but has convinced dad that she's 'oh so sensitive' and can barely stand to go through things related to his hospitalization or our mother's memorial service (which sister didn't attend because she couldn't stand to hear people say nice things about our actually awful late mother). While nothing on the earth will prevent my father from favoring my duplicitous sister. I will continue to be dutiful and respectful. Sometimes life is like that.