My mom has been in an assisted living for two weeks. She is 87 years old and couldn't live by herself any longer. She was confused at home on her own, didn't like anyone that we hired to take care of her either She suffers from mild to moderate dimentia. I have two other siblings but she's the closest to me. She's had her ups and downs. The facility is excellent, beautiful and has a very tight knit group of workers. They all know the residents names etc. They have 24 hour nursing on staff so she is well taken care of constantly.
When she is down, she calls me and demands that I come over and get her out of there. She says she wants to go home etc. When she is up she says that she'll get used to the place and it's not so bad.
They have exercise, bingo, outings, social hours etc. They even have Mass on the premises.
I've gotten to the point that I don't want to pick up the phone when she calls. When the phone rings and I see her number, I get a pain in my stomach. My husband told me that I'm making myself sick. I know that I made the best decision and picked a great place for her. So the pain in my stomach is not guilt, it's awareness that she's going to beat me up on the phone call.
The wellness director advised that she needs her space and I shouldn't go running over there every time she calls. She said I have to be strong since it's probably harder on me then on her. They told me that she's is fine and if there is any emergency, I'll hear from them. Can anyone share how they cope with these phone calls from their parents? I would greatly appreciate it.
Also, as people age their world shrinks and they do not have opportunities to practice their "social graces." Mom just blurts out anything that comes into her head just because she "feels like it." They become mercenary and as long as their comfort needs are met, at any cost, they are happy.
So why do we do this? It is out of compassion, humanity, a sense of responsibility, and love. These are not bad things. But it does not mean that you need to sacrifice your life and health. It has taken me 4 years and lots of advice in this forum to come to this conclusion. I wish that I had taken the advise sooner.
Your mother will take time to adjust. You know she is well cared for, so just "don't be home" every time she calls. Make a point of answering a certain number of calls, visit her, but ignore the "I want to go home" pleas. She is as well off as she will get. This is a time when you need to learn to detach a bit from her neediness, understanding that you are doing everything possible. It's hard to grow old and dependent, so have compassion for your mom. But don't let that make you sick.
Take care of yourself - that is taking care of her, even if she doesn't know it.
Carol
I have also gotten some very good advice from other forum members about "detaching" - in other words doing as much as you can, and detaching from the rest. Take care of your Mom's needs first and her wants on your time and at your choosing.
Now that your Mom is safe, decompress. Take some time to rest and take vacations. You are too steeped in her care. You need to step back...trust me on this one.
good luck