Embarrassing mother... Am I wrong?

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Embarrassing mother... Am I wrong?

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My mother is 82 and has lovely Carers who are black. One was in tonight when I went in and my mother makes comments if anything happens bad on tv she will say I bet it was blacks that did this tonight. The lovely caregiver was telling us about one of her clients cats who was unwell and my mother piped up yet again I bet your client is black as it’s usually them that are cruel to animals. I was so angry I shouted at her telling her to stop being racist she says she is definitely not a racist just stating a fact. I’m getting I can’t stand being in the same room as her as I hate racism in my eyes we are all human beings she gets angry at me for losing it with her and doesn’t see what she is doing is wrong. I couldn’t apologise more to the caregiver who just laughed and I was upset for her. Am I wrong in getting angry and shouting at my mother?

Burnout Care Team Home Care

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I don't think you are wrong at all for responding to your mother like that....it sounds like it was just a quick reaction to her racist words and I would have reacted the same way that you did. Whether it's dementia related or just her mindset, it doesn't seem, based on others' advice on this post that your mom is able to be reasoned with on this - but, I'm sure that your sensitivity and kindness was meaningful to the carer.

It must be very difficult for a carer to hear racist words and there aren't any ways really to shake that off - it sticks in one's mind...but your response to the carer was wonderful and compassionate and hopefully that is what will remain with her the most.

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I think that depends on whether your mother is suffering from ang cognitive decline / dementia. If she is then I think you have a conversation with her carer and find out to what extent it upsets her, and to what extent she can accept it as part of the disease. I don't consider there is any excuse for your mother's racist behaviour apart from lack of mental ability. This sounds like one you, the carer and your mother's doctor need to be in good communication on. Whether you are wrong for shouting at your mother is going to depend on her mental state - there is no point shouting at someone with dementia - but the most important thing is that the carer knows she has your support and if she does have problems with mother's behaviour she can come to you to discuss things.

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I’d blame your GrandMother. Say to the aides that GM was racist, and this is what your mother heard when she was a child. She has never thought this since you have known her, but unfortunately she is regressing to her childhood and GM’s type of language. Please forgive her and ignore it. Whether it's true or not, it won't hurt GM and may help a difficult situation.

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My mother didn't have dementia but as she aged, she became even more racist . Interesting because she worked for 35 years with individuals from all over the world and different ethnicities. Never had a problem until she retired and started watching tv a lot. When she hit about 85, she no longer employed filters when she spoke to others - making me cringe with embarresment with the end result of my not taking her out anywhere in public during busy times.
When she had to have home care, I was very upfront with the coordinators explaining to them the problem situation so that whoever they assigned, was aware of the situation. But it became a bigger issue when she had to do the hospital/rehab/hospital/afh route.
No amount of talking to her, explaining to her, reasoning with her, showing her photos from her past with others who she worked with, nothing, absolutely nothing could and did ever change her views and language. (When she did start talking that way, I would stand up and say, I will not listen to you saying those horrible things and I am now leaving, and then leave. I returned 15 minutes or so later, but by then she would calm down and I would start talking about something from her past).
She passed away at 95, and up to the week prior to her passing (she became catatonic the last week), she was complaining and spewing about those who were helping her during her last days here. It just broke my heart because so SO many worked so hard to help her.

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Taylorb1: Imho, your mother's dementia possesses zero filters.

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I agree that this may be dementia talking. Have a private discussion with your mother's care givers to find out if they are very upset by her comments, even when they know she's not in her right mind. If they are, you may have to get different care givers. It's best to change the subject, rather than getting into arguments and continuously apologizing.

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Was she always this way or has her dementia brought this on? My dad was suspicious about people who he normally wouldn’t have been as his dementia progressed, even family members. If she has always been racially prejudiced but kept it to herself perhaps dementia has made he loose her “filter”. It is quite a conundrum for you for sure but if her caregiver is willing to laugh it off and she knows you don’t share the sentiments maybe you shouldn’t worry about it.

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You're right to be angry when you hear that kind of racist nonsense. Yelling wasn't ideal and won't help, so just don't do it again. You've apologized to the carer, which was called for and thoughtful of you. I wouldn't keep apologizing, but maybe a nice compliment on how the carer must have great strength of character to do a job that's so often thankless.

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Yes you are wrong, you should not yell at her. It doesn't help anything.

Obviously the caregiver understands that she is dealing with a broken brain and doesn't take it personal. I bet she has even heard black people talking smack about white people.

I would shake my head and ignore her rants. Give the caregivers big hugs and thank them for not taking it personally, because your own words say it's not.

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Thank god you have a wonderful caretaker - I'd really explode if someone behaved like this - big time. I don't know if she is just a racist or has dementia - does not matter. This is unacceptable. I would let your mother have it in no uncertain terms and if possible see if any medication would work. I would tell her one more outburst and she will be removed at once and placed in a facility where this will not be tolerated - and start planning to do that. This is horrible and has to stop at once - no matter how. It is ugly and cruel.

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You cannot fix or reason with people like this. YOU ACT AND REMOVE THEM SO THEY CAN'T CAUSE MORE HURT AND HARM.

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Yes, don't get angry and shout.
Your mom is the way she is and won't change.
When you here her say such things instead of always bringing out the race card, just tell her that it's not nice to say and not true that some of every color race are mean and nice, ect

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Cannot entirely agree- I'm glad that racism make the OP angry. That is how it should be IMO. Now as to dealing with mom - that would depend on her cognitive functioning.

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Forbidden words are a typical dementia behavior.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BlZF_4EKp4

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Mortified. Perfect word. It is the feeling I get when an aide tells me that my mom “threw her teeth at her”. What can you say in response? “I am SO sorry that she did that to you” seems inadequate. I make
it my responsibility to show respect and gratitude with every interaction and hopefully 🙏 we will get through this ordeal.

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Your mom will not change at this point in her life. Accept this. Let the caregivers know that you do not share your mother's viewpoints. Ask them if her comments bother them. You can apologize to her caregivers and let them know you really appreciate their care of your mom.

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I don’t think you should fault your mother as it is likely she can’t help it. Her filters and reasoning abilities are gone. When my mother had dementia, she would say the most racist things and I had never heard her do that. My husband is now in stage 2 Alzheimer’s and he is doing the same thing. We are both African American and know first hand, the sting of racism. We have always had friends from many races and cultures. In the last year and a half he has started complaining about foreign accents. He’ll say, “There’s all of the Mexicans and Chinese and they don’t talk American.” Or when he sees Asian Americans on TV he will get very stressed and confused and say, “Look honey, why are all of these Asians on TV?” I remind him that it is normal and desirable for media to reflect ALL people in our society and that African Americans have fought to be seen and heard in the media too. My husband holds multiple degrees and has traveled the world. In fact, China remains his most favorite destination. But it’s not about intellect or racism. He just does not have the ability to understand the import of his words. It is sad when I hear him say these things but I’m never embarrassed because he has no control over it. Be gentle with your mom, I’m sure her caregiver has seen this before and understands what is happening.

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It's mortifying, but yes, they lose their internal editors. My mother never cared about race before dementia, but she decided a black caregiver was not acceptable. Rather than have her harass the poor girl needlessly, I asked the director to have someone else assigned to Mom's care.

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With dementia, the brain is some level of broken. So, it's time to accept this as a fact and stop wasting your energy getting mad at her. When she starts in, take a walk and hope that she's done by the time you return. You are NOT going to change her at this late date. Just change your response and reduce your stress.

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You will accomplish nothing by yelling at mom.
With dementia one looses inhibitions that prevent the things that will pop out of her mouth.
A good caregiver will understand and ignore comments. But you can tell the caregiver that if she feels uncomfortable to let you know and together you can begin looking for a replacement if that is what she wishes.
In the meantime try to ignore comments she makes

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You Mom has a Dementia. She has lost her filter so what pops in her head comes out of her mouth. If this bother's the aide and she wants to continue as an aide caring for people with Dementia, she will need to allow these types of comments to roll off her back. Your mother can no longer be reasoned with.

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lol

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According to your profile, your mother suffers from dementia, meaning you're not going to get through to her, one way or another. Old beliefs are in their heads like cement ANYWAY, even w/o dementia, so what's the point in yelling at her, since you're not going to change her mind? The carer is able to shrug off your mother's insensitivity, so you should be able to also. It's not easy, and of course your mother's ideas are racist & wrong, but the point is, they're HER ideas, not yours. When my demented mother gets going on one of her tirades, I just leave her presence or change the subject since I'M the one who's going to wind up eating Tums as a result of getting upset! My daughter has a cow every time my mother starts in on one of her commentaries about gays, and I tell her the same thing: let it go in one ear and out the other.

The best way to overcome old ideas is to teach new ones to our own family.......erase the prejudices WE were taught and teach our own kids and grandkids that all humans are equal, regardless of their race, religion, sexuality or social standing. To me, that's how to live a better life; not by trying to fix our broken mothers.

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Once again Lealonnie…,very wise words for all of us to heed. Liz 🦋💕😘

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Embarrassing mother... Am I wrong?

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