I saw a similar question to mine but I have a slightly different twist, my parents live in Florida, my sister and I live in California, there is a 24-hour best case turnaround to get across the county. This past week my dad needed to go to the hospital late at night with chest pains and difficulty breathing. Fortunately their neighbors were able to help get him to the hospital, and stay with my mom. She doesn’t drive, gets lost really easily. I would love to know if there is some support organization for my mom, who needs help until I can get to her if this occurs in the future. I would love to have a plan instead of hoping the neighbors are available or worse my dad doesn’t get help because he is afraid to leave my mom alone. Any advice would be appreciated.
Plan B - start making plans to move them close to you or one of you moves close to them.
Plan C - Find assisted living in their area (or yours) and make arrangements for them to go there.
I doubt you will find any other services, free or paid, that can meet your needs since you never know when the need will arise. Agencies like schedules. Friends and neighbors are not always available. It comes down to the family to solve this problem.
As short-staffed as agencies are, there may not be any with on call coverage, but it's worth investigating. If you have not established prior contact, an agency will not just come in cold and take over.
If you get resistance from them, please schedule a family meeting (Zoom or in-person?) with a Geriatric Psychiatrist and an Elder Law Attorney (to get papers, discuss potential for Medicaid and affairs in order).
Call, "A Place for Mom" (or senior care specialist shown on the right side here, and tell them what your parents need and seek out locations that offer joint arrangements for as long as possible.
I would include the neighbors who already helped you to create a plan. Ask if any of them would be willing to sit with the at home parent until you can get there. And then, get your flight booked immediately and get there. Wouldn't be fair to these neighbors for you to book a flight days away because of ticket price. If none of the neighbors want to be part of your plan, then ask them if there is anyone around the area that could go to parent home with very short notice.
It's also possible this is the time to talk to your parents about moving closer to you and sister. You need to be able to shorten your response time to help them because a similar event will happen again. You can't depend on the neighbors. If you rely on them too much, eventually someone is going to become concerned for their safety and no family involvement - parents will be reported to adult protective.
Even if their regularly assigned caregiver is not available someone would be sent to stay with the parent left alone. Start with a couple of half days to give time to know your parents and their needs.
Another consideration is a lock box for the door so needed staff can access the home with the code.
Both parents need some kind of a life alert necklace to call emergency help.
I have no idea about their ages or health issues but we have enjoyed using an in home monitoring system to audit activities.
I also plan to contact our Area Council on Aging to see if they have detailed information. When COVID began, I stayed stressed out because of strict EMS and hospital policies and I did not know what would happen with my husband if I were to get it. I may have relaxed too much now since their policies have relaxed so I need to fine tune our emergency plan. Thanks again for opening this important discussion.
it’s your responsibility to set up… either live in or assisted facility .
that’s obvious !!!
It is common for the caregiver spouse to become seriously ill/die before the dependent spouse.
When that happens, the dependent spouse has to have 24 hour care at home until ALF or memory care or SNF placement can be arranged.
In some areas APS might be able provide a very short term (24 hour) caregiver to an elder who can't be left alone...but relying on EMS to call APS is a thin straw.
Contact the local council on aging to find out which area agency on aging covers the community where they live. These agencies provide detailed information on all aspects of elder care, including some you may not have considered. You may be eligible for an assessment of care needs, based on certain criteria. Start with this source of information - covered by federal funds, so they already paid for the information.
If dad totally resists conversation about moving to a setting with caregivers available around the clock, then the idea of finding a non medical home care agency that allows you to enroll them and get all the documentation done in advance, so they can show up in an emergency is the way to go.
If there is a planning stage mom can go to Respite care in a Memory Care facility. This has to be scheduled, she has to have a physical, or doctors letter indicating that she is in good health. She may also have to have a TB skin test, depending on where they live she might have to have 2 done. (there is a blood test that would replace both skin tests) And the facility has to have a bed/room available.
Also if this is planned you or your sister could also come and care for mom as well.
Personally I think Respite stay in Memory Care would be a better option. You would be able to care for dad as well visit when you were there. And dad might be better if mom is in Respite for a while while he concentrates on his health.
If mom is on Hospice you could contact Hospice, they will arrange a Respite stay that is covered by Medicare/Medicaid as well as most other insurance. And if they have room in the In Patient Unit they may even be able to do a bit longer than what is normally covered so dad can recover.
If such is the case the hospital, local police department, and the local paramedics in your paretns' area can be informed that if dad has to go the hospital for some reason, mom will also be admitted to the hospital or put into respite care in a facility until he gets out.
Please speak to them about it. This way if you had to get there, at least your mother would not be left alone in the house.
We encountered some serious conditions when a windstorm knocked out power in my father's area. He was on oxygen 24/7 and had a limited supply left for that day. I wasn't even going to consider trying to haul the concentrator over to my house; it was just too heavy.
(In retrospect, I should have called the supplier and asked if they would furnish the equipment temporarily at my house.)
The rehab facilities where he had previously been wouldn't consider taking him, nor would AL facilities, which required a chest x-ray before even evaluating a decision to take him.
Was this Al/MC facility one with which you'd had previous experience? Large? Small? Did your mother have to get a chest x-ray hours before she came to stay temporarily?
I think the area might play a role as well. I get the impression you're in kind of a rural area; we're in a heavily populated, congested area, with dozens and dozens of facilities. Many of them "pick and choose."
Thanks for any insight you can offer.
Husbands Aunt and Husband are in a really nice community in Homosassa. They live in a cottage with an AL and LTC care provided. Even though they live in the cottage, for an xtra charge, they can get help. Like an aide to help bathe one of them. I would think if one ended up in the hospital the other could be cared for in the cottage or be taken to the AL side till the other spouse can return. Probably at a cost.
Thank you!
I don't *know* that this is true in your parents' Florida location but I can tell you what would happen here (and although of course systems vary, they generally have to do similar jobs).
The paramedics are mandated reporters. When they collect one half of an elderly couple and become aware (from observation or reports) that the other half is unable to cope alone, they report it to APS or the equivalent, and they do that immediately. APS then refers the vulnerable person to whichever service they think best. Our service's response time for such a referral is two hours, which means that within 2 hours we will have telephoned or visited the person being referred, we do an assessment of need, and then we either provide calls or escalate the referral to other services such as urgent respite care. We probably would ask the neighbours, too, especially if they've volunteered in the past; and we'd contact any family we had permission to contact.
In other words - your mother will not be left alone and forgotten in her house, not even if the neighbours have gone out to dinner.
I also don't know how brutal you're prepared to be with your father; but if he's afraid to leave your mother alone and you really think he might keep quiet about feeling ill for that reason, perhaps he had better think on what would happen if he died in the house and nobody knew because he'd decided not to call for help. Does he wear a falls alarm or other device?
Thank you!
He did have to go into hospital a few times before he died and the only solution we found was an on call paid caregiver. I lived abroad and my brother several states away so we weren't an option. We eventually had to find respite care as my fathers health issues became more frequent. This is also a good option.
I have two recommendations, you dad needs to take his health seriously. If he needs any type of treatment, get it done, and find temporary care for your Mom. When my dad died I couldn't take care of my mom and she is now in a facility and we have no other option. My second recommendation is start finding paid caregivers that your father can call at any time. They do exist. Your dad will probably not want paid care and think he is totally capable of doing everything himself. That is not true and puts both him and your mother in danger. If they want to stay where they are, they need to understand that they need more help and you can provide it.
Thank you!
Thank you!
I'm going to turn this around, please don't take offense.
I would be more worried about DAD'S health right now. It sounds like mom's care is getting to be too much for him. How much help does he have coming in?
Who stays with mom when dad goes for his cardiac testing? If he needs a long hospitalization?
I think it may be time to have a tough talk with dad about a different plan, maybe one that involves moving someplace where there is always a staff person on call, or moving closer to you.