Follow
Share

Everything my mother does is getting under my skin and I'm having a lot of trouble maintaining my sanity. She turned 91 yesterday. She had a pacemaker put in about a month ago, but she is still in atrial fibrillation so is on a lot of BP meds. She fights about many things, the whole giving up of independence issue. I try to ignore a lot, and I do try and lift her spirits, but when she refuses to take her pills and then something bad happens, then I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces, so I told her that if she was going to continue to stay in our house, she had to take her pills. She has a tissue fetish and everywhere in the house are bits and pieces of used tissue, she stuffs it up her sleeves, in her underwear, in her purse, in her pockets, in her bed, on the floor, it's everywhere; it gives me the creeps. I have politely asked her to try and empty her pockets and sleeves and underwear before I do her wash so I don't have to encounter it.

I realize that this sounds petty, it's just the build up of things, her attitude which is often demanding, she has trouble ever saying please, she just barks out orders. She is very vain about her appearance and even though she can hardly stand she will spend two hours on her face routine before she goes to bed. Which I'm sure is why she still looks so good at 91.

I love her but I am losing patience and tolerance. My husband says I just need to detach. Each day I get up, I ask God for more strength, love and tolerance, and humility. I am blessed with a good home; and when I think about Haiti and what is going on there, I get disgusted with myself.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

67 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2 3
You are in a difficult situation and are trying very hard to cope with it. I'm glad you have perspective, but you shouldn't downplay your own feelings. Your husband is right - detaching from it is the thing to do. Easier said than done, which is why support groups help. Even CoDa (which is a codependency group) may help, simply because we are all a bit codependent, but they can give you tools to help you detach with love. Obviously, support groups like this one, here and in person if there is one in your area, are good. You can share stories and blow off steam.

You also need to get breaks. The tissue thing could be OCD, so maybe her doctor can help with that, or at least help you understand that this could be one thing she can't help.

Good luck. You sound like a wonderful person. You do need a breather. And have your husband cloned!
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Thank you Carol! I am going to start taking more breaks, have just had a lot of financial issues to attend to as well, so haven't found the time. And yes, my mom is definitely OCD, in other ways as well.

I'm glad for this site :~)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
We're glad you are here. By the way, I understand more about OCD than I care to think. : )

Keep coming back and yes, do get breaks.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I thought it was a great relief when mom finally agreed to move in with me & my family. Since I lived 200 miles away,my siblings werent doing much to help her. That was 5 years ago . I think I added 5yrs on to her life and took 5 yrs off of mine. Mom has high blood pressure. She doesnt want to take any new meds. She says shes allergic to the medicine. Well she not, we've done testing its more like panic attacks. Her doc. told her she will more likely have a stroke if she keeps doing what shes doing.
I find her more playing games for attention which I never thought in million years she would do. When I left the house panic attack. which will make bp go up. The otherday she said my husbands alarm clock went off for 2 hours. I unpluged it. She said the music was so loud. I told her we would take it up with her doc. at her next visit. Well that stopped that.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Hang in there, when things get alittle overwhelming take a deep breath, pull yourself up, brush yourself off, and start over. When Im sitting in the doc. office waiting I take little pieces of time for myself Sitting in silence-might be time for myself. In my car I might take the senic route. What I'm trying to say is.. you are in control of how you feel about things. Try not to get bogged down by the what ifs. I know this sounds a little off but maybe she knows the tissue thing drives you crazy. At 91 god bless her she doesnt have alot of things to control.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Yes, detachment, even though you may feel guilty about it, helps. I prayed every day before I went into my parent's house. (I know it is much harder having them live with you.) I played a game with myself---in my thoughts calling them "Mr. Harold and Mrs. Ethel", not their names. As if they were unrelated people, so it really did not matter as much if they were verbally abusive. I tried most of the time just to overlook their highly opinionated views, only partly listening and thinking of something pleasant. I sometimes wore bright colors or funny themed socks, ect. just to lighten my own mood. Hope this helps.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Barb, I applaud you for what you are doing for your mother. You are doing the best you can, obviously. I can relate to the part where you talk about trying to preserve your sanity. I have talked to my doctor about this, and she has prescribed some medication for me to take, as needed, in extremely stressful situations with my father. We can only do so much, and we only have so much strength. As you do, I also pray to God all the time for strength and support, and He never fails me. He led me to this website!
I say "yes!" to taking breaks and taking good care of yourself. As Leeza Gibbons says in her book: "Take your oxygen first." Hang in there!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Oh my goodness Barb!!!! I thought it was only my mom who had an obsession with kleenex. Yes the little balled up things drive me crazy too. All over the place, in her sleeves, in her bed, under the bed, in the washing machine after you've washed the clothing is the worst. But I just started wearing gloves and that took care of the problem.

Maintaining sanity wow that's the $64,000.00 question. Take yourself a break, take short breaks, go outside breath in the fresh air. It helped me to go outside and work in my moms garden too.

I'm praying for you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Hi Pamela,

Glad to know there is someone else out there who experiences the "tissue issue"! Yes, I do have rubber gloves for that as well. I do go out for breaks, walk the dog, and thankfully our weather here in the NW has been milder than normal, even sunny today, and that always lifts the spirits.

Blessings to you!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Ahhh....the tissue/USED tp thing. Mom was beginning that when I intervened. Now we take it out of her shoes, from under her pillows and from between her sheets (the amount of laundry we have to do is outrageous...like everybody else here), drawers, our stuff, you name it.

I was told that it is hoarding behavior and my mom had huge hoarding behavior with all the useless stuff she packratted over the years. Nightmare. Still cleaning it out.

Mom goes through a lot of tissue because she's a drooler. You have to be careful when you're doing up her shirt because she can nail you. Can make you urpy before the second cup of coffee.

Mom holds the tissue/paper towel/tp in her hand and when the drool runs down her chin, wipes it off with her hand/back of her hand/heel of her hand and if that it not gross enough, she never fails to look at it and it is clear that she is amazed that she drools. Sometimes she wants to show you. The kicker is that instead of wiping her hands on the tissue, she will wipe her hands on her pants/shirt/chair/tablecloth.

She does this every 5 minutes. Seriously.

We use pretty sheets on her big, comfortable chair so we deal with it and keep it all clean, but omg.

I used to pop up and try to get her to wipe her face but my back hurts. If you hand her a tissue while she's doing the drool thing she blows her nose.

The TP thing here is important because of the germs. It takes a lof of attention because mom hides TP used for the bathroom. omg2

What gets under our skins here is being grossed out all the time.

We love mom and take good care of her and I know she really doesn't want to be 'out of control', but you guys are right, it doesn't matter, it just makes you nuts.

I was thinking about using a fishing pole with a sponge attached to it so I could dab her chin but not get up.

Bobbie
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Bobbie that's a good one, coupled with a complete diver suit on to change those diapers, we're in business!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Thanks, Bobbie, for the laugh..............
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I've been getting a laugh out of reading all the tissue stories. Yes, I have them too with my 87 year old mother. This hasn't really been a big issue (yet). I just throw them away or pick them out of the laundry. It was interesting the comment about the hoarding behavior...my mother is a compulsive shopper. She still drives and while I'm at work she goes to WalMart, Kohls, CVS, the grocery store etc. She buys items that she doesn't need and usually has many of already..she buys unhealthy foodstuff..canned, packaged, twenty yogurts at a time(healthy, but she doesn't eat them), three boxes of raisins, three bottles of Karo syrup..the other day it was 10 bottles of salad dressing. This stuff usually goes out of code before we can eat it. My husband and I live in her home, but pay for all the groceries (so she really doesn't have to shop for them) and upkeep, including half her property taxes and now she wants us to pay for her homeowners insurance, which was not the agreement we made when we moved in. As far as her shopping, it is her money so I can't fault her for that, but what gets me is she's always complaining about not having any money (which she does) and most of the foodstuff goes uneaten and has to be thrown out. A new one that I've been keeping an eye on is all the junk mail she is getting..at least ten pieces a day. She has been donating $10. here $20 there and I keep telling her that if she keeps sending people money that she just gets put on more mailing lists. Does anyone know the phone number to call to stop junk mail? It does helps to know that she is not unique at her age and it helps to come to this website and read about what others are going through and learn that this is probably normal behavior.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
OMG Serenity I didn't even bring up the ordering from catalogs. This has been my moms MO for years. Orders things then send them back. She has a box next to her night stand that I wrapped about 2 years ago to send back and it's still there!

She has clothes in her closet that are on hangers that she's never even worn. She has shoes and purses that match that she's never even worn or carried. I've never thought of her as a hoarder but I suppose that's what she is. And you cannot throw out an elder person's anything, they don't want you to do that they want to keep everything, everything under the sun.

It's so funny because she is always having someone look in her closet for something that isn't there. All that is there she always wants what's not in there and she swears that it's there.

What is it why do they buy things that they don't need. I guess it's just because they can.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Yes, I'm trying to hang in there too with my 90 year ol Mother. My husband and I have taken care of my mother for years now, paying her bills, taking care of her business, etc. We are the only ones she wanted to move in with since she's gotten old, I have a twin sister who is sick with cancer and I have two older brothers who have borrowed money from her for many years and never paid her back. She has one sister left who does not like her, she has one brother left who also does not like her. She's not gotten along with any of her siblings for years anyway! She's been married and divorced 8 times over the years. I also came from an abusive marriage but have a wonderful husband now, thank God! We took my mother in, thinking we could handle it, she was very nice ON THE PHONE from miles and states away from us. She was with us for less than a month and my husband AND I were having problems! We were upset on a daily basis having to deal with her selfish attitude. We were taking her places and trying in every way to make her feel welcome and happy, but nothing worked. My sister would take her for a week, to give us a break but could hardly wait to give her back to us! We finally decided to get her into her own apt., we thought she was still, just to independent to live with ANYONE! We got her a beautiful place and she's been in there for two months now. She was very happy AT FIRST but now she's getting that attitude back, "what are you going to do for me next"? She claims to be lonely but when she's with us you can tell she's still not happy. I was going over there almost on a daily basis, taking her places, getting groceries, shopping, doctors appts, etc. My husband and I are thinking about moving her into a independent living facility where there are people around her own age. They have different programs for them, to keep their minds busy and active. It will cost a lot but she can afford it. I just found out she talks about me behind my back now and tells my sister and my daughter that I have a temper. My sister says when my Mother upsets me, she'll look at my sister and wink, like she actually enjoys getting me upset. I just can't comprehend that kind of thinking and it hurts me to no end. I don't even want to be around her now and can hardly stand to even hear her voice on the phone. I'm like one of the writers, I pray to get some peace of mind here!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I can relate completely to what you're saying. I'm divorced and have been living with my 89 year old widowed mother for 3 years. She has dementia and I swear she's trying to take me there as well! I'm an only child, and I work from home, and I have to get away on weekends or the things she says will actually start making sense. I also get the game-playing.....we live in a 55+ condo community and I listen to some of the other elders here...trust me, they ALL do it and take great delight in it. I think it's a way for them to retain some level of control. Mom's doctor told me a couple years ago to come to grips with the fact that, in Mom's mind, nothing I do or say will ever be right, so I'd better get used to being wrong. That's a tough thing to live with, but at least it grounds me and helps me shrug off the comments and weirdness. I still lose my patience, I still get angry, and I still feel guilty about that.....but I think that, if you deal with and/or live with dementia behavior on a daily basis, you need to recognize your limitations.

Your heart is in the right place, you're doing the best you can for your entire family, and sometimes you just need to smile and walk away.....your mom will probably not remember any confrontations, anyway!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
OMG, you are so right on! The game playing is what really burns me up. Now that you mentioned, "the games they play", I remember my grandmother doing this, causing problems with the siblings... I will try and look at it another way and TRY and brush it off, Thanks so much!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I can totally relate! The only thing that kept me sane was my weird sense of humor. I would share "home stories" with co-workers and friends and they would start chuckling at the things that most aggravated me, then I would start laughing, too. The laughter may have been a bit on the hysterical side. Anyway, after the elderly in-laws moved on, I wrote all of our stories down and published a book, Slightly Dented Halos. Cathartic experience!!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Thanks lajackson! Yes, I can relate to that too, my sister, my daughter and I start talking about Mom and the things I go through with her and we find ourselves laughing also, THEY'RE laughing the hardest though! haaa..
My daughter calls her grandmother Ms. Daisy (as in Driving Ms. Daisy, the movie) and believe me, my Mom is so much like the movie actress in that movie! She has even accused people of steeling from her and we end up finding, whatever she said was stolen, later on but she will never admit it and never say she's sorry.. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, good health and a daughter who loves me to death. I'm so lucky and I will try and start laughing at my Mother again, rather than holding a grudge. I still need time away from her right now and am taking it. I'm sure she's stewing about it right now!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I also have elderly parents although I do not live with them. I try to help out but they are very independant. I know they require more domestic assistance but will hear none of it. Like you, although myself not religious, I pray for courage to cope on a daily basis with my feelings and to allow them the strengh to do things their own way. I do beleive God will help us. That is, a God of my own understanding and not of any particular creed or religion. Wish you well.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
OMG! I was on the edge, ready to throw in the towel today, and then I ran across this post and really enjoyed the fact that I am not alone! Tissues? Yes, but folded in perfect rectangles after use! Weeping and tears one second, sarcastic and mean the next, and in between sweet and pleasant. My Mom has dementia and her moods swing like a Pendulum do! I have been really trying to figure out how to deal with her moods and thought I was being horrible just detaching from her, but I guess that is what I am hearing from everyone -- that its okay. My husband keeps telling me that my Mom is safe, warm, has a place to sleep, gets food and assistance with her daily needs -- she is well off. We are doing the best that we can and I shouldn't expect to be able to keep her happy 24 hours a day, especially since the reason she is unhappy is not really based in reality. Good luck to you Barb -- and to all the rest of you too!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Seriously, what is up with the tissues! LOL! Bits and pieces everywhere....now the latest thing is to cover up an empty coffee cup with a tissue. I need to but stock in paper products!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Mom passed on December 29th, 2010. She would have been 92 today. So no more tissue issues, and fortunately I'm starting to be able to remember all her younger days and her independent positive spirit! To those of you still dealing with the day to day aging issues, hang in there, give yourself breaks, get walks, and also some latitude to know that as long as you are trying your best that's the best you can do. We are not perfect. And I'm sure my mom appreciated all I did for her, that gives me comfort, too.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
If it helps any, my mom did the Kleenex thing too, and then yelled at me for the lint in her laundry! :-) (She has moderately bad vascular dementia). So i've learned to check every item for the kleenex before it goes in the washing machine.

And she is in skilled nursing - its close by and I can see her daily or at least a few times a week - she would order me around full time and not be able to stop if she was at home with me, but is not so bad with paid staff (I think its because they can set reasonable, practical limits without feeling intense guilt.) As it is when I go in, she yells at me to do things faster and its hard just to refill her candy bowl without a fuss being made and she has to know what everything is and often asks me to get rid of something I can't even see....I guess I knew it was not just orneriness when she started tossing trash on the floor, she would never have done that before; i had bought her a taller trash can but she did not like how it looks in the small room. It's hard, but they basically can't help it...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Every time you find yourself getting cranky - give your mother a big hug. Chances are she's feeling unhappy, too and would love to feel loved. Mom lived with me for 10 years - though I love her - there were many days I felt stressed too. One particular day there was just too much stress. I was in tears, she was in tears. I hugged her for a long time. I cherish that moment, and think of it often. You see, she suddenly passed away only three weeks later. I recently cleaned out her closet. Every jacket, purse, pocket contained a tissue.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
LOLOLOL - OMG that sounds so much like my mother who lives with us and is 87. The tissue what is up with all the tissue?? I have told my mom to empty her pockets before she puts her clothes in the wash - she does ok but sometimes forgets so I just double check her pockets.
Vanity! How can you be so vain at 87? I ask her this, her answer she is not used to living like this her hair is not fixed 1x/wk. I opted to get her a cute haircut that is easy keeping, she wants a coiffure with tons of aeresol spray!
She can be so sweet when other people are over and after they leave be a very demanding, person. I have told my mom can you ask instead of demanding. She rolls her eyes and then comes up with excuses why she acts that way and it's usually my fault. LOL I used to get really pissed off and take it personal now I just laugh and go over and look her straight in the face and kiss her. She has to laugh - ya know it's tough - I would have never thought how hard this would be. I do know this that God gives us what we can handle and will fill our needs. Keep your chin up and just smile at her and call her the "Queen". Best of Luck
Laurie in Virgina
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I am in the same situation. My Mom has been living with me for over a year now. I find just about everything she does annoying. She was so controlling all my life, loves to put you on guilt trips and we have never had anything in common, If not for my Wonderful Dad, (deceased now 20 yrs) I don't think I would be sane today. I am unmarried, have absolutely no life and am just about at the end of my rope. I really need some support group or I am going to lose it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I understand how you feel. I am very tired today and I am about to loose my mind from all the disgusting noises she is making. I am sure she does this all the time, but today it is getting on my nerves. This is when I have to own what I am feeling, understanding she has no control over anything in her life anymore, and I do. I can control my temper, I can control my mouth. I feel what I feel, but acting on those feelings are not going to help this situation at all. I am taking off tomorrow. I need new faces, new noises, new conversation, and a new perspective. I am going to take time for me tomorrow, and regroup. And Ruth is bad about the klenex too.I call it her Kangaroo pockets. I finally lay a few out for her and put the rest where she can not get to them... sometimes I am so tired I can not think of the simple solutions..God bless us all
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Mom moved in with my husband and I just a few months ago and we had a lot of the same issues, but I have found a way to stay sane. I have her do things with me, so demands so much attention that I had to break away with other things. I now have home care come in to make sure she takes her pills and get ready for bed. In the evening I asked her to peel the potatoes, help me make a salad, and do dishes. I end up redoing the work but, at least she feels wanted and useful. We laugh a lot as I make faces at her and just the joking around seems to calm her. The only other alternative is to place her into long term care for both your sanity, frustration and anger. It may be a difficult decision, but the best as the professionals do the work and you just visit. Both of my parents have Alzheimer's, mom lives with me and dad is in long term care. It has been a long road, but you only have one set of parents, enjoy them while you can. If you cannot move her, look at other ways to keep your sanity. One night out a week moves mountains for your own peace of mind. Find a babysitter, someone you and your mother trust and just do it. My husband is very much like yours. But I have the luxury of having a brother and sister that take the time to babysit for me. I also have social workers and other people that are assisting me in placing mom into a day program that gives mom a connection to other people and a daytime break for me. Take care, be aware of your own mental health and elder abuse as it sounds like you may be getting close to care-giver burn out. Be careful and just keep asking and talking to others, it truly helps. God bless you and good luck. Vickie
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Yes, burn out for me is fast approaching. I have my own business and work a lot from home. When I'm in my office, I don't think my Mom understands that I am working. She comes in constantly to just tell me what was on QVC, etc. She can't afford an assisted living facility and I am an only child. I would just love for her to leave for a 24 hr period and just let me live in my house alone! I could leave her here and go out but I would much rather be in my home doing what I want to do without comments from her. She is all up in my business. It just annoys me. I do take everything she says too personally, as does she. It's just that she's said hurtful things to me my whole life and I'm just done with it. I am 58 years old, have made good decisions, own my own business and I just don't need her advice. Plus, she is a hoarder. Her house is a HUGE mess. I am not a neat freak but I keep my house clean and clutter free. Her clutter is driving me Crazy! She can't throw anything away. And she criticizes any little thing that is out of place here. I can't take any criticism of my house from someone who hasn't even vacuumed or cleaned hers in 15 yrs. Sorry to ramble. I am just so happy to find a place to vent. I have 2 adult boys and boys just don't know how to empathize with me. Thanks so much for listening.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter