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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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My DH was born in 1921, grew up in the depression, on a farm, with no indoor plumbing or electricity until after WWII.
So he grew up with "sponge baths" for the most part and a "real bath" once a week. All water had to be fetched from the creek and his mother would boil the clothing to wash it. They had a multi-seat outhouse.
As long as he has no body-odor, I let it go. I make the offer every time I shower and leave it up to him. At 96, sometimes it's just too much work for him even though I am showering him with a bath stool and hand sprayer. It's much more important that he is still able to use the bathroom and do the paperwork himself. And he washes himself after using "the throne."
It could be possible that he is embarrassed by the thought of someone else bathing him, even though you are his spouse. Perhaps he may agree if he is wearing his underpants, or swim shorts. It would make it more difficult to clean that area, but if it makes him feel less apprehensive than it would be better than no bathing at all.
Another possibility is how easily an elderly person gets cold. When I showered and shampooed my 93 year old elderly mother-in-law I placed a hot soapy washcloth on her shower seat. By the time she got into the shower it wasn't hot, but warmer than the seat. It made it more comfortable for her, plus sitting on the towel with soap helped clean that area of her body. I always gave her the washcloth to clean her private areas of the body, which also helped. Another thing that helped her body temperature was a foot bath. As soon as I got her into the shower, and after she was safely seated, I had a nice warm soapy foot bath ready for her to place her feet into. The warmth for her feet helped to keep her warmer.
My mother-in-law had Dementia, so yeah, it was a disagreement for her to agree to be bathed, but with some coaxing we did that once a week successfully. The exception was when she felt ill, so we had to skip that week.
You may have to offer a treat in return for them to agree to their bath / shower. With my mother-in-law if she didn't agree, a chocolate treat became part of the coaxing, and so she was awarded that treat after the shower. By the way, she always felt better after her shower and shampoo and was thankful. In fact I also believe she felt she was more cared for as a result. I say that because it seemed the day leading up to her shower was when she was in a worse mood - perhaps because she knew that she needed a bath; yet didn't want anyone to give her one either. It's difficult either way!
Worried Spouse - Showering my mom (84) has become my cross to bear. She is in a Memory Care facility and physically fights the staff when they shower her if something doesn't go right. I have given up on her getting a shampoo in the shower and have salon appointments scheduled twice a week that I pay for. She really hated water on her head or in her eyes so when she showers it's with a shower cap that is fabric lined that she tolerates. Many of the tips Caring2love wrote about are similar to what I found works for my mom. Wish I'd seen these tips a year ago! But the washcloth on the shower chair is essential plus letting her hold the sprayer gives her the autonomy she wants. A very soapy washcloth also helps. Stopping to add more soap as you go uses up valuable time. I prepare the bathroom while she's on the toilet - hot water running, clean clothes laid out, two towels - one on her shoulders as soon as the water is off, the other to dry, a snack/treat laid out in view. It's taken me awhile to figure out a set up that works but the main thing is to make it as warm and easy as possible for her. The staff just don't have the time to do all of this. But back to how to convince them to shower in the first place. I found changing the sheets on her bed is one thing she gets - you have to clean up to get in a clean bed. Of course, an event has also been a good rationale - someone coming to visit, a doctor's appointment, and I've even resorted to just being blunt - that the body odor was overwhelming. Basically I use a mix of tough love and compassion - make it as nice as possible but don't take no for an answer. All that being said I'm still only able to get her to shower every 10-14 days. I wish I understood her refusal to shower but I can't get my mind around it.
Thank you for all the wonderful advice. I will try the warm foot bath, warm seat, and a wash cloth. I am wondering if washing him in a full bathtub and then rinse him off when done might be good too.
WorriedSpouse, If he can safely get into and out of a bathtub, a good soaking is relaxing. However, again only if it can be safe for him, and doesn't subject yourself to a potential back injury!
In my earlier post I forgot to address the fear of falling. That was one of my mother-in-law's hangups. I easily resolved that by leaving her shoes with good non-slip soles on her, until she was safely seated in the shower seat. That really helped overcome her fear of slipping!
My mom fell and came back from rehab and has dementia. I use the" clean sheet " deal also. Plus she was afraid because the stand alone tile shower was slick. My husband coated the bottom with bath gripper stickers. I still have to say "Mama, we need a shampoo!" its not always easy. A treat sounds like a good idea too! Also I don't give her warning ahead of time. Just go in and get it ready and come back and say shower time!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Let us know if the tips do work.
My DH was born in 1921, grew up in the depression, on a farm, with no indoor plumbing or electricity until after WWII.
So he grew up with "sponge baths" for the most part and a "real bath" once a week. All water had to be fetched from the creek and his mother would boil the clothing to wash it. They had a multi-seat outhouse.
As long as he has no body-odor, I let it go. I make the offer every time I shower and leave it up to him. At 96, sometimes it's just too much work for him even though I am showering him with a bath stool and hand sprayer. It's much more important that he is still able to use the bathroom and do the paperwork himself. And he washes himself after using "the throne."
"We have to pick our battles."
It could be possible that he is embarrassed by the thought of someone else bathing him, even though you are his spouse. Perhaps he may agree if he is wearing his underpants, or swim shorts. It would make it more difficult to clean that area, but if it makes him feel less apprehensive than it would be better than no bathing at all.
Another possibility is how easily an elderly person gets cold. When I showered and shampooed my 93 year old elderly mother-in-law I placed a hot soapy washcloth on her shower seat. By the time she got into the shower it wasn't hot, but warmer than the seat. It made it more comfortable for her, plus sitting on the towel with soap helped clean that area of her body. I always gave her the washcloth to clean her private areas of the body, which also helped. Another thing that helped her body temperature was a foot bath. As soon as I got her into the shower, and after she was safely seated, I had a nice warm soapy foot bath ready for her to place her feet into. The warmth for her feet helped to keep her warmer.
My mother-in-law had Dementia, so yeah, it was a disagreement for her to agree to be bathed, but with some coaxing we did that once a week successfully. The exception was when she felt ill, so we had to skip that week.
You may have to offer a treat in return for them to agree to their bath / shower. With my mother-in-law if she didn't agree, a chocolate treat became part of the coaxing, and so she was awarded that treat after the shower. By the way, she always felt better after her shower and shampoo and was thankful. In fact I also believe she felt she was more cared for as a result. I say that because it seemed the day leading up to her shower was when she was in a worse mood - perhaps because she knew that she needed a bath; yet didn't want anyone to give her one either. It's difficult either way!
Showering my mom (84) has become my cross to bear. She is in a Memory Care facility and physically fights the staff when they shower her if something doesn't go right. I have given up on her getting a shampoo in the shower and have salon appointments scheduled twice a week that I pay for. She really hated water on her head or in her eyes so when she showers it's with a shower cap that is fabric lined that she tolerates.
Many of the tips Caring2love wrote about are similar to what I found works for my mom. Wish I'd seen these tips a year ago! But the washcloth on the shower chair is essential plus letting her hold the sprayer gives her the autonomy she wants. A very soapy washcloth also helps. Stopping to add more soap as you go uses up valuable time. I prepare the bathroom while she's on the toilet - hot water running, clean clothes laid out, two towels - one on her shoulders as soon as the water is off, the other to dry, a snack/treat laid out in view. It's taken me awhile to figure out a set up that works but the main thing is to make it as warm and easy as possible for her. The staff just don't have the time to do all of this.
But back to how to convince them to shower in the first place. I found changing the sheets on her bed is one thing she gets - you have to clean up to get in a clean bed. Of course, an event has also been a good rationale - someone coming to visit, a doctor's appointment, and I've even resorted to just being blunt - that the body odor was overwhelming. Basically I use a mix of tough love and compassion - make it as nice as possible but don't take no for an answer.
All that being said I'm still only able to get her to shower every 10-14 days.
I wish I understood her refusal to shower but I can't get my mind around it.
If he can safely get into and out of a bathtub, a good soaking is relaxing. However, again only if it can be safe for him, and doesn't subject yourself to a potential back injury!
In my earlier post I forgot to address the fear of falling. That was one of my mother-in-law's hangups. I easily resolved that by leaving her shoes with good non-slip soles on her, until she was safely seated in the shower seat. That really helped overcome her fear of slipping!