AT1234 Asked January 2021
Essential caregiver. Is this something anyone else has experienced?
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After months of waiting, I’ve been allowed in my mothers AL apt. We have some great caregivers and staff and I’m grateful. My question is about the state of my moms apt. She has packed boxes everywhere! A rolling suitcase I’ve never seen before? There are papers, dust boxes and bags of things all over. She’s on a walker and I can’t imagine how she even gets around in her room. I have no idea where to even start, bc she won’t let me move anything. Is this something anyone else has experienced? Her apt is a studio and very small.
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Is mom moving? Or just needs to have this done?
I'm going to use the awful "h" word: Hoarder.
My mom also has a small apt jam packed with junk. It accumulated slowly over the years (24) and despite my best efforts, I was asked to quit 'cleaning' for her. She phrased it as 'stop touching my things' but she doesn't see well enough to see that my 'touching her things' is cleaning and dusting.
Even with a walker, mother could actually bring in MUCH more stuff than when she was walking with a cane. Plus there is the almost daily deliveries from Amazon, USPS and UPS. Don't discount how quickly boxes will pile up. And mom often doesn't remember ordering anything, so she either never opens the box, or opens it and decides to return an item and can't figure out how. I think most of the boxes she has out in her place are, in fact, empty.
The most important thing in helping a hoarder is to have very LOW expectations as to what you might acheive. Everything she sees is going to trigger memories and perhaps a long discussion as to why she won't give away/ throw away stuff.
I tried, I got OS involved and we tried together and every single time we tried to simply clean a pathway for her to walk, she'd get so upset.
Now, no one does anything for her, other than make sure her bathroom garbage goes out once a week (think a week of sopping wet Depends---but they CANNOT go to the trash until Sat.)
YB checks on her, gets her weekly groceries and once in a great while will force her to cut back on clutter than blocks doors.
I wish you much better luck than we had. A person is certainly entitled to own as much stuff as they want, I guess, but at the risk of making your home a hazard? We had to accept that mother does not want help at all.
Good Luck. I'd sure like to see a 'good' hoarder cleanout story.
If she's been able to order things online (?) or by phone with a credit card and that's how she's getting things, then the staff should STILL have raised the red flags when the hoard grew & alerted the ED to the problem. If she has credit/debit cards available, they have to be taken away from her now.
My mother also lives in a Memory Care AL but a privately owned one after I pulled both my folks out of Brookdale for too many reasons to mention here. One of the reasons was extremely poor management. They have a responsibility to ensure your mother's safety at all times. A hoarded apartment is NOT a safe environment for a demented elder who uses a walker to live in. They are aware of it too, since staff goes in and out of there daily.
I would lay it on the Executive Director's plate in no uncertain terms. WHY did s/he allow such conditions to take place in your mother's apartment? How and what does s/he intend to DO to fix this unlivable situation you're all now faced with? Let him or her give YOU some good answers here! This would infuriate me beyond words and I might even threaten the ED with removing my mother from the place or calling my lawyer, that's how angry I'd be.
Someone like the ED has to tell your mother that she is not allowed to have 'all that stuff' in her apartment, in simple language, and that it has to be removed. She will kick up a fuss, because that's what hoarders do. Everything they have has value to them, including garbage and paper wrappers. So you're going to face a tough situation now, thanks to the powers that be NOT having taken action and allowing this situation to exist in the first place.
Once your mother is told by the STAFF that her apt has to be cleaned out, then you can get that stuff out of there, even if she's crying and carrying on. It won't be easy, but her place will be safe once it's cleaned up.
Wishing you the best of luck dealing with a very difficult situation.
The ED is not experienced and has zero LTHC experience at all. So short of saying something about a grandparent there is no training for geriatric at all. Yes, I am involved - heavily involved however I had not been allowed in my mothers apartment for months. The clutter and mess aren’t my primary concern her safety is. Thank you for your help I think that is wise advice.
If she doesn't want you to then DON'T and don't spend your visits nagging her about it.
It's her Apartment, her life and you are still the child and NOT her parent.
So, please try to enjoy your visits and ignore the stuff around you.
Maybe some day when she has gone to a meal, you can load up stuff to open up pathways around the apartment.
You need to be concerned about her health and safety. Yes you may get pushback from her on moving things but so what? You do what you have to do.
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