cdnreader Asked November 2023
Estrangement from siblings because they never helped me with my dad. Should I try to heal these relationships or let them go?
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Hi All,
It's been 7 years since my dad passed. As the eldest daughter, I was responsible for all his care. I felt a lot of resentment and anger about this. And I did lash out at them. This estrangement hurts me because I always wanted us to be closer, but we aren't.
As much as I want to have a relationship with my nieces and nephews, I think it might be better just to continue being estranged. Because the deep hurt and pain, I feel has never been validated or acknowledged.
I am curious about others experience. Do siblings come back together? Or do they stay apart forever?
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Be at peace with all people.
You will find peace once you stop trying so hard to have a relationship with anyone who does not want a relationship with you.
I had rifts with my siblings and we were able to heal past hurt. I’m very grateful for being able to live harmoniously with them, especially with my older brother who recently died. We actually grew very close. I will miss him.
My oldest brother who died in 2013, was an entirely different story. There were reasons why I couldn’t be close to him but I did see him shortly before he died in a hospice facility and I forgave him.
My husband on the other hand is not close to his siblings. It’s a long story and I will spare you the details. At one time they were close. It hurt him initially and I know that he is sorry that they are no longer close but it doesn’t bother him anymore.
My husband is at peace to let things be as they are. He doesn’t want to rehash old memories with them and become upset all over again.
What emotions are you feeling specifically about your siblings? When my brothers and I were estranged I remained in contact with my nieces and nephews. They did not turn against me.
I’m sorry that you don’t have contact with your nieces and nephews.
Family dynamics are so complicated at times. Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don’t.
If you don’t want to have a face to face conversation with them or any interaction such as a phone call or text messages, then you could think about writing a letter to express your feelings. That way you can say whatever is on your mind without being interrupted or criticized.
Often times these things are beyond our control. You can’t force them to feel a certain way. Sometimes the more you try the harder they resist and things become even worse.
Leave the door open if you are interested in a reconciliation with them. If you decide to close the door at some point, that’s okay too. Do what you feel most comfortable with.
All I know is that people are going to believe what they believe whether it’s true or not. Some people have preconceived notions in their head and others can’t change their minds no matter what they say.
Remember that close friends who accept you as you are are like family. Cherish the good relationships in your life. Let go of relationships that you don’t value.
Don’t harbor hatred or resentment in your heart. You can be sad about certain things but be at peace.
It's really hard for me. Because I still feel so much hurt and resentment and anger about how little emotional support they gave me then and now.
I was stuck in magical thinking that after my dad passed that somehow they would treat me better. But as the oldest I'm the scapegoat and villain in this family.
I will keep my distance now and protect my peace.
It's exactly as I thought it would be.
I know mom wouldn't want this, and it's not b/c we have bad feelings--we're all just busy with our own families.
Also, if I am not the one to plan all family get togethers, we simply don't have them.
It's EXHAUSTING to 'force' 50-60 people to come to a party--no matter what. The last party I organized cost me over $300 and I had to practically beg the 2nd generation to come. After the party, as I was cleaning up the kitchen (I used our church facilities, so I had to haul everything there) and CRYING, my YB came in and asked if I was OK. I wasn't, and said "I'm DONE. I'm doing this for mom and if she knew how reluctantly so many of her progeny cared, it would break her heart". He understood, but he didn't ever DO anything.
We were all together at mom's funeral. we will never be together again, unless it's another funeral, and even then? I have to sat that watching my mom's heart break a little more each year that we didn't have any kind of reunion or party was awful. But I wasn't going to kill myself with the ingratitude of so many members of my family.
It wasn't right or fair for you to have to spend all the money and make all the effort alone. It was their mom too and they should have contributed. It's deeply hurtful seeing how little others do in the family.
I also hate the ingratitude. I've tried my whole life to be the glue but I can't do it anymore either.
My mother in law throws up in my face that “ it’s family and you’ll regret it when you get older “.
I’m sorry but I will regret it more , if I subject myself to their derogatory comments , gas lighting , and superior attitudes.
Each person as well as the person who posted this question , has to look at the way their siblings were towards them even before caregiving . Many of us kept relationships with siblings only for the sake of our parents while they were alive , and it got worse during caregiving .
IMO , Only If the sibling relationship before caregiving was good , does it have a chance of reconciliation .
My extended family sounds like your MIL. It's wrong of them to say but their family.
Why should I accept less? Be treated as less? I feel so ignored and alienated.
Only you know what your siblings are like, and how they think things were happening while you were caregiving. Do they have a warped view of reality of that time ? My siblings do .
I never asked my siblings for help , yet met criticism especially when I had to place my mother in AL. I also learned my siblings had warped views of how much they visited and that they actually think that ( infrequent ) visiting constituted “ helping “.
In my case I can’t get passed the fact that they won’t acknowledge that they did nothing and are taking credit , when in fact I was the one in servitude . They were in fact very uninvolved until my Dad went on hospice , then I was expected to call with daily reports as if I was an employee. A phone chain wasn’t good enough for some of them . Two in particular were like this , treated me like I was an employee and worked for them , ordering me around . Neither of them came until near the bitter end with Dad . It was a 3 hour drive .
At the house after Dad’s funeral they spoke about how “ we took care “ of Dad for his many years of cancer. “We” did not take care of Dad . I did . A year later I had to put Mom in AL and was criticized for that , although none of them offered to take over caregiving . I became the outcast and it will remain that way . I will not interact with those that act superior to me like they do when I am around them .
Good luck to you .
They most likely are not going to validate or acknowledge your hurt and pain. It would perhaps be too painful for them to do that. If that's what you're seeking, it's probably not going to happen.
There's a family member who cause me so much pain and anguish over my dad's sickness, death and estate that I never want to see or speak to her again. I'm sure I never will. And guess what? Even though we were close in all the years before that, I realized that she was not the same person she'd been. She chose who she wanted to be, and that's her right. My response to block her from anything to do with me is my right. Truthfully, I don't even miss her.
I have had a hard time facing up to this reality. My sisters are not capable or willing to give me any kindness, validation or acknowledgement.
If I was honest with myself, they don't want me in their life. They proved it over and over again, but I kept accepting their crumbs.
And remember too - just because you don't want to have much to do with them right now doesn't mean you have to declare them your mortal enemy for all time, either. If you can maintain a civil, albeit chilly, relationship with them, you're not slamming the door on the prospect of an eventual reconciliation.
None of us know where we're going to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc. from now. It doesn't make you a "sucker" to keep a small possibility of a future relationship with them on the table, as long as you're not being taken advantage of or it's affecting your health negatively.
(((hugs)))
As others have written make some life changes for yourself. What makes you happy?
I hope you can put this behind you and find some peace. I wish you a happy life.
I truly thought being there for my mom and dad and sisters would make me happy but I am feeling more empty than ever.
I have started to find a therapist to talk to and help me move forward.
It is crazy to think how fast the time has gone. Focusing on myself and my own happiness is what I need to do