Estrangement from siblings because they never helped me with my dad. Should I try to heal these relationships or let them go?

It really depends on the particular family situation. All siblings have disagreements, misunderstandings and sometimes extremely different personalities. No one has a perfect family.

I had rifts with my siblings and we were able to heal past hurt. I’m very grateful for being able to live harmoniously with them, especially with my older brother who recently died. We actually grew very close. I will miss him.

My oldest brother who died in 2013, was an entirely different story. There were reasons why I couldn’t be close to him but I did see him shortly before he died in a hospice facility and I forgave him.

My husband on the other hand is not close to his siblings. It’s a long story and I will spare you the details. At one time they were close. It hurt him initially and I know that he is sorry that they are no longer close but it doesn’t bother him anymore.

My husband is at peace to let things be as they are. He doesn’t want to rehash old memories with them and become upset all over again.

What emotions are you feeling specifically about your siblings? When my brothers and I were estranged I remained in contact with my nieces and nephews. They did not turn against me.

I’m sorry that you don’t have contact with your nieces and nephews.

Family dynamics are so complicated at times. Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don’t.

If you don’t want to have a face to face conversation with them or any interaction such as a phone call or text messages, then you could think about writing a letter to express your feelings. That way you can say whatever is on your mind without being interrupted or criticized.

Often times these things are beyond our control. You can’t force them to feel a certain way. Sometimes the more you try the harder they resist and things become even worse.

Leave the door open if you are interested in a reconciliation with them. If you decide to close the door at some point, that’s okay too. Do what you feel most comfortable with.

All I know is that people are going to believe what they believe whether it’s true or not. Some people have preconceived notions in their head and others can’t change their minds no matter what they say.

Remember that close friends who accept you as you are are like family. Cherish the good relationships in your life. Let go of relationships that you don’t value.

Don’t harbor hatred or resentment in your heart. You can be sad about certain things but be at peace.

CDN, it's good to see you! I hope you stay and continue to share your empathy and insight as you used to.

I scrolled through some of your old posts and found this:

"I too have a difficult relationship with my 3 sisters. As the oldest I was left to handle everything for both my parents. It's exhausting. I know for myself the anger and resentment was bursting at the seams and still is. In hindsight, I should have been more upfront with my own feelings and needs and wants and frustrations. And if they still said "I don't care." Then I should have made other choices to protect myself."

It sounds like, looking back, you see that there were assumptions and misses on all sides.

I wouldn't expect your sisters' kids to apologize for anything; they may have heard a narrative that is quite different from yours.

The resentment and anger you hold on to can only hurt YOU and hinder your healing.

For six years I felt really horrible anger and resentment towards my sister for her unwillingness to help more than a few hours once a week. I also felt sadness over what I experienced as the loss of my only sibling.    

Then she was diagnosed with a serious illness and I'm done with all of that. I'm glad that, should this illness shorten her life, she won't have spent her final years doing what I am currently doing.

Maybe before the illness I should have had a clearer vision of all of us eventually succumbing to this or that, suffering, and dying. I'd like not to have lost those years to unceasing resentment. I'm not proud that, for me, the illness offers the "silver lining" of my getting to have a sister again without feeling like a doormat and a dupe.

Absent illness or other misfortunes, a negligent *brother* would be harder for me to forgive, I think. Not all men blah blah but *most* men are dumping all of the care work on women. Then, since men biologically have shorter life spans (lucky), they get to die attended to by wives/daughters. Their wrecked and impoverished widows become a "social problem"--one we currently address primarily through warehousing. 

Again, with an actual/individual brother, whose own struggles and vulnerabilities were known to me, I might be more sympathetic. On a population level, though, men seem like freeloaders and it pisses me off.

I don’t know if you would be turned away from your siblings or not if you were to try to reconcile .

Only you know what your siblings are like, and how they think things were happening while you were caregiving. Do they have a warped view of reality of that time ? My siblings do .

I never asked my siblings for help , yet met criticism especially when I had to place my mother in AL. I also learned my siblings had warped views of how much they visited and that they actually think that ( infrequent ) visiting constituted “ helping “.

In my case I can’t get passed the fact that they won’t acknowledge that they did nothing and are taking credit , when in fact I was the one in servitude . They were in fact very uninvolved until my Dad went on hospice , then I was expected to call with daily reports as if I was an employee. A phone chain wasn’t good enough for some of them . Two in particular were like this , treated me like I was an employee and worked for them , ordering me around . Neither of them came until near the bitter end with Dad . It was a 3 hour drive .

At the house after Dad’s funeral they spoke about how “ we took care “ of Dad for his many years of cancer. “We” did not take care of Dad . I did . A year later I had to put Mom in AL and was criticized for that , although none of them offered to take over caregiving . I became the outcast and it will remain that way . I will not interact with those that act superior to me like they do when I am around them .

Good luck to you .

“Happened” that is

Follow your feelings. Blood is blood, but to my mind it means nothing compared to relationships you form from mutual interests in common with others. Seek "family" from friends you make in your daily life and activities. The past is over and done. It can't be changed, and your feelings won't change about that time and what occurred. Just let it go and get on with life. Steeping too long in the past creates a very bitter tea.

My situation with my siblings have been horrible over the years since we lost dad and I am mommas primary caregiver and medical POA. Also trustee. Siblings and their wife have caused me so much pain and it is all about money. Who got what. Who is getting to get what and so and so is going to get more than I am. We have all been basically estranged. I have seen my brother twice in five years and that is only because momma was in the hospital both times. I have not seen my neice at all in five years and have never met her first child. I have seen my sister once and she does text me. They don't talk to me. Text me or e-mail me. Now all of a sudden I started receiving text messages from bro and neice. They want to go out to eat dinner with momma for christmas. We have not had christmas in five years because of an incident. Another story. I would love to met my neice's baby and it would be good for momma for us to go out to eat dinner but I still have my guard up. I can tell you stories that they have done over the years that will make your heads spin. I don't trust them. There has been alot of hurt. I don't believe that they have all of a sudden have changed their ways and all is forgotten. Not on my part. I know after momma is gone they will be right there in my face with their hands stuck out wanting money and when it is not enough they will sue me. Don't know if our relationships will ever be the same. I will be careful.

My one brother lived 7 hrs away from Mom. At the time she had Dementia, he was still working and wife was dealing with a mother from hell and family who thwarted her at every turn. Her Mom was a nice person but fell for every scam there is. SIL was constantly cleaning up. My other brother was only 30 min away but was going thru a divorce. I was the oldest and a girl. They both told me they appreciated what I was doing for Mom. That made me feel appreciated. Neither criticized or told me what I should be doing. I could not get mad at them because they really did not go out of their way for Mom before the Dementia so could not expect much after she was diagnosed. Thats their guilt to live with, if they have any. I refuse to feel guilty. I was the one who has always been there for my parents. I know my limitations so eventually Mom needed to be placed. She was well cared for and was happy.

I feel no resentment to my brothers. They made their decisions. If your resentment is still raw, I may not approach them yet. You have to be able to forgive and in this instance forget. Never ever bring up what they did not do for you and Mom. Maybe they were waiting for you to ask. Maybe it was felt that it was big sisters responsibility. There is still that mindset in families. If you can just let it go, then start by sending a Christmas card saying that you think its time to burn bridges and get back to being a family. Sometimes it just takes one person to step forward.

cdn ,

Barb is right . Your nieces and nephews will have gotten a different narrative told to them , and as the years go by stories are embellished . My son is very close to one of his cousins so I do get some of what is said repeated to me . What that nephew was told at times is ridiculous over the years . My son tries to avoid conversation with his cousin over family drama . Since my Mom died I’ve been told there isn’t much interaction at all between siblings , just occasional phone calls . I only speak regularly to one sister .

Once the parents Pass and the Money from inheritance - I have Noticed people no Longer have any contact especially if there was conflict Over caretaking . Usually the eldest daughter does Most of the work . People who say " I am a Only Child " I think you are Lucky . My Brother has done nothing . My sister did Nothing till a year ago when she realized a large sum of Money was involved and she Kidnapped My Father who Is ill . I will No longer Have contact with her daughter and I asked My son to do the same . The situation has turned extremely toxic and Insulting - there is No forgiveness . I say " let them go , they are not your friends . " and get on with your Life . if they could Not help you or your Parent when they were most needed these are not People you want in your Life .

My nuclear family has fractured into 5 separate 'pieces' following the death of my mom.

It's exactly as I thought it would be.

I know mom wouldn't want this, and it's not b/c we have bad feelings--we're all just busy with our own families.

Also, if I am not the one to plan all family get togethers, we simply don't have them.

It's EXHAUSTING to 'force' 50-60 people to come to a party--no matter what. The last party I organized cost me over $300 and I had to practically beg the 2nd generation to come. After the party, as I was cleaning up the kitchen (I used our church facilities, so I had to haul everything there) and CRYING, my YB came in and asked if I was OK. I wasn't, and said "I'm DONE. I'm doing this for mom and if she knew how reluctantly so many of her progeny cared, it would break her heart". He understood, but he didn't ever DO anything.

We were all together at mom's funeral. we will never be together again, unless it's another funeral, and even then? I have to sat that watching my mom's heart break a little more each year that we didn't have any kind of reunion or party was awful. But I wasn't going to kill myself with the ingratitude of so many members of my family.

It’s never wrong to reach out and try to establish a relationship. You’ll have to let the past go, mainly a gift for yourself as it only hurts you, but also to not carry it into any future relationships. Maybe you’ll be met with kindness, it’s worth a try. If it doesn’t work out, try to build new relationships with friends who bring positivity to your life. I wish you peace

I am estranged from my brother and nieces and nephew. It's on them, not me. I have reached out. They're (nieces and nephew) have been glad to hear from me, but that's it. They never bother to reach out to me. Therefore, the communication has stopped. My brother just doesn't bother to respond, so I leave him alone period. I've left them all alone. There were no hostile words exchanged between any of us. It seemed to happen after both parents passed. It is what it is. I can't change that.

Hi CDN!
I agree with Alva when she wrote:
"I think a gentle acceptance about "estrangements " in life is the best we can do.".

Especially when the communication is one-way.

I try not to revisit the details of the why, and have become more comfortable over the several years now.

You need to ask yourself why you would want to have relationships with these people. Would they be likely to hurt you again? Do you see any advantage to having them in your life?

They most likely are not going to validate or acknowledge your hurt and pain. It would perhaps be too painful for them to do that. If that's what you're seeking, it's probably not going to happen.

There's a family member who cause me so much pain and anguish over my dad's sickness, death and estate that I never want to see or speak to her again. I'm sure I never will. And guess what? Even though we were close in all the years before that, I realized that she was not the same person she'd been. She chose who she wanted to be, and that's her right. My response to block her from anything to do with me is my right. Truthfully, I don't even miss her.

Im in ur same boat. Esp my brother. We are estranged and I plan to keep all toxic people away from my life. The others in my family ask how dad's doing but never help. They've all used him for his and mom's money over the last 40 yrs. It seems these are not real family. If this is how ur siblings n nieces n nephews are going to be when u need help, just my opinion, I'd move on.its very hurtful and hard to accept. But you'll know who's really there for u in the end and who's not. If u have to beg for their help, it's not worth it.

One more thing, someone very wise said to me one day, “The kindest thing that you can do for someone that wants to be left alone, is to leave them alone.”

Sometimes it isn’t about what we want. It’s about what they need. It may hurt and their reasoning may not make any sense but I don’t see any other choice if we want to find peace for ourselves and move on in our own lives.

That's up to you. I know it sounds over simplified when saying that, but it's your heart you need to search.
Sibs and the antics and dynamics they bring are all different. No one knows your heart but you, nor does anyone else here know where you've been with all of it, or where your family sits inside of the multiple perspectives it all brings to a table. You MUST decide this based on what you know is true for YOU and if your heart is a willing participant in any healing it would need to recover.
Hope this helps.

So, this post addresses sisters who are referred to as ‘Karen.’ Someone has to come up with a name for the men! 😝 Lots of crappy brothers out there too!

cdn,

What are you passionate about? What makes you happy in life? Focus on those things for now. I remember when I was at my lowest point in life I neglected doing things for myself.

My therapist would tell me to do something fun just for me. I pushed myself to accomplish this even if I didn’t feel like it at first. It really did help.

One thing that I enjoy is music. I love music and I find it to be healing. I started going to hear live music again with friends.

It can be anything that you love, going to art galleries, botanical gardens, taking a class, etc.

Hit the reset button in your brain. Sometimes we get stuck and it takes time to get out of a rut but you can do it.

Wishing you the joy in life that you so deeply deserve.

This thread is so different from most. We very often say and read that there is no ‘obligation’ to care, that going to a facility is OK, and that in fact our elders often do better when cared for by non-family members. We may ‘want’ other people to help, but they don’t have to, and we can’t make them.

Your anger at your family members is clearly because you did a lot of caring and they didn’t help the way you wanted them too. Your feelings are so strong, that the family members are probably well and truly over bearing the brunt of your anger.

If you want to get over the estrangement, you first need to look at yourself. That sounds unfeeling, but it's clearly true.

Random thought: A line from a song - "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world."

Could that be (gasp!) wrong?!? Caregivers get stuck in the belief that they need others to help. That would be nice, but sometimes others don't want to. So then we keep thinking we need them, but we have to do it all ourselves, and our sick loved ones refuse help that would help us take care of them, and we're stuck.

We may be luckier when we don't need others. Just sayin'.

First, why exactly as the eldest daughter would you think you alone were responsible for his care? As an eldest daughter myself I am asking this question. Is this a cultural thing?

Second, I doubt things will ever be the same even if you manage to forgive your siblings. You can try but don't expect too much.

My relationships with my siblings is non-existent aside from our parents' caregiving issues. They fell apart because I think we all came to the realization that we really don't like each other enough as people to keep the relationships going. I think that happens in families more often than not. I don't expect to be keeping in touch when the slog is over.

I am so upset about how my niece came after me with a court order for her share of the inheritance, just two days after my mom died, that I still can't imagine having the loving relationship we once had ever again. She made the process way more difficult and expensive than it had to be. This was after I helped her with care for my brother, her father, and for her brother, who both eventually died from substance abuse. She was an emotional wreck through it all and I propped her up. And I had taken care of my mom with little help from family for 10 years. I was devastated when she died. The money is not an important part of my feelings about it, just that my niece didn't trust me to do the right thing and that she demanded way more than she was to recieve and questioned every single penny spent on Mom's care. At least I had kept good records, even though practical matters do not come naturally to me. She didn't get any more than she would have gotten if she had just left it to me, and in fact had to pay her lawyer as well. This was two years ago. I told her mother the other day to let her know that I wish her well, but do not want her in my life anymore. I think sometimes when we feel even a little bit abused, it's hard to put ourselves back into relationships that went badly. Sad.

To AndSoItGoes, who says “We can no longer maintain a sense of community/collective obligation even at the level of the freaking nuclear family”. The USA stands out among wealthier nations in having limited health care and age care systems, which are often criticised. If there really was a “community/collective obligation”, the weight wouldn’t fall on the nuclear family. Or fail the people who have no remaining ‘nuclear family’ anyway. Managing it at a community/collective level is a better option.

My mom has passed but during my years of caregiving I was so angry at my sibling because they could never make the time to help. It would consume me, not only because I was overwhelmed but also because my mom would ask why they did not visit.

Now that I can think more clearly, out of the emotion of the caregiving efforts, I have come to the conclusion that they were simply not capable. And yes, it even surprises me that I am saying this. They did not have the ability or patience to be a caregiver.

I would call our relationship now an arms length relationship. My anger is gone but the relationship is surface at best. I am not sure if was ever super close. If they reach out, I am absolutely open to a new closeness but I am placing that burden on them to decide. I am cordial, friendly and caring when they do engage. But…..the effort to get closer is entirely up to them.

Thinking more about this, it is well known that humans are almost unique in continuing any relationship with their parents after reaching adulthood. It doesn’t ‘come naturally’.

Interestingly after the reference to ‘honor thy parents’ in the 10 commandments (and of course the arguments about the meaning of the original word translated as ‘honor’), you are pushing it to find references in the Old or New Testaments to people actually looking after elderly parents. Certainly nothing for Joseph, and not much concern for Mary.

The USA, like Australia, was largely settled by immigrants. Most of them left elderly parents behind to fend for themselves. Perhaps our ‘caring’ expectations are simply unrealistic?

Well, I am the youngest in my family, and I was the caregiver for my mom.
I have 2 older sisters, one to whom I am very close, and one to whom I am definitely not.

But that was the case looonnnngggg before my mom needed care.

If you and your sibs were close before the caregiving kicked in, I can understand why you might feel like you may want to try and salvage something. But if you were never really close, then you have to make the decision if it's worth the effort to try and forge something from nothing.

I don't really know how many sibling relationships that were "good" or "close" crumble apart if/when caregiving kicks in. I wonder how many people look at their past relationships with siblings through rose-colored glasses, so to speak, and can't - or won't - acknowledge that there wasn't a whole lot of "closeness" in play before any caregiving started.

I will say my sister's lack of effort when my mom was so sick has made the chance of any sort of meaningful relationship between us pretty much near impossible; and not because of the lack of support she had towards me, but because of the lack of communication with our mom. Even when our mom was actively dying, it was like pulling teeth to get her to come to see mom. BUT - the flip side to this is for all of the years I tried to be accommodating to my sister, reaching out to her over and over to get her to come visit, putting up with her dramatics and histrionics, I don't do anymore. Because I did that more for our mom's sake, because I knew the only way she would ever see my sister would be in either my home or our other sister's home. But my mom is dead now, and I have no compelling reason to try and accommodate my sister anymore. I invite her for Thanksgiving, and give her a "drop dead" date, that if I don't hear from her by then, she can fend for herself for the holiday. No more multiple calls, texts, e-mails, etc. to try and get her to respond. One chance. That's all. And I kick myself for even doing this much, and hope that "next year" I can bring myself to not invite her at all. But I'm not there, yet.

I will add that now that she's retired, she has tried to contact me to "chat", because I believe she has come to realize that she has no one - other than her miserable, drunken husband - with whom to share her retirement time. But that's not my problem. I don't engage, I answer her questions about my life in as few words as possible, and don't ask her any questions about her life in response.

I think that siblings who disregard the ones who are taking care of elderly parents are doing near irreparable damage to any future relationship with those siblings. I imagine for some people, that's no big deal; but for some, I think there may be regrets after.

I don't know where your sibs fall in that equation. But if you don't care for your sibs enough to put forth the effort to reconcile, then don't; and don't feel guilty about it, either. But if you DO decide to make the effort, make sure 1) you're doing it for your own sake, not because your deceased dad "would have wanted you to", and 2) for your own mental well-being, don't expect any of the sibs to have a spontaneous epiphany about what you sacrificed and that they didn't. That isn't likely to happen, and if that's your primary goal, do yourself a favor and don't waste your time.

Good luck and do what is best for you. I think after everything you have done for dad, you deserve it.

As far as it concerns you,
Be at peace with all people.

You will find peace once you stop trying so hard to have a relationship with anyone who does not want a relationship with you.

Continuing to live with the resentment and anger of what they have done to you will only cause you to have medical issues from the stress of this problem. It has been 7 years since your father passed away, and it has been more than 7 years that you have been carrying around this resentment and anger over what they have done to you. It’s now time for you to let go of the resentment and anger by forgiving them. Forgiving them does not mean that you have to have a relationship with them; it means freeing YOU of the anger and resentment that you have toward them and you can move on and live a happy life without them. Forgiving them will free your mind of the pain and anger that you have been carrying around for so long. Forgiving them will also help you to find a way to eventually have a relationship with them albeit with reservations.

Wishing you peace.