Estrangement from siblings because they never helped me with my dad. Should I try to heal these relationships or let them go?

I have no delusions that some of my siblings and I could be “ friends again “.
My mother in law throws up in my face that “ it’s family and you’ll regret it when you get older “.

I’m sorry but I will regret it more , if I subject myself to their derogatory comments , gas lighting , and superior attitudes.

Each person as well as the person who posted this question , has to look at the way their siblings were towards them even before caregiving . Many of us kept relationships with siblings only for the sake of our parents while they were alive , and it got worse during caregiving .

IMO , Only If the sibling relationship before caregiving was good , does it have a chance of reconciliation .

Try not to waste too much time obsessing about what your siblings did or did not do, I know it is easier said than done, but you are wasting precious time dwelling on this. Remember that just sharing similar DNA sequences does not a family make. I'd suggest seeing a therapist to vent.

As others have written make some life changes for yourself. What makes you happy?

I hope you can put this behind you and find some peace. I wish you a happy life.

i was in the same situation. One of mr brothers died. His best friend and his wife called me. They thought my SIL poisoned him. My DH Aldo had same thoughts. I was on the fence. I told them the only thing that this will go forward . If my oldest brother would agree. My SIL had her claws in him too. Her words were golden. She ruled the boys. It was amazing!!
So I totally get it. I have a very small family. And now it’s just DH and me. I’m ok with it. My friends are more family than actual ones..
surround yourself with lioving caring people . If my brother wants to call, he will. I won’t do the calling anymore, because he is always too busy to talk “now”. He promises he will call back on Friday… it’s been almost 6 months… how many Friday’s?
My friend lives just a couple blocks from brothers house who died. His daughter was married and now has two kids. This is where “forgiving” and peace comes into place. The fsmily didn’t want me at the wedding. I wasn’t told, but brothers friend called and said he was sorry he couldn’t make it . I said I didn’t know about it…. My oldest brother finally hit the courage to tell me about the wedding and that I am not invited. I’m not iniviref, but nobody could invite a 14 year old cousin who would have loved to be there? My child wasn’t invited, for what reason, she’s a kid, no family dynamics with her.. That’s where their venom hit my veins.
To make it worse, my living brother purposely calls me and tells me that we are invited to his girls wedding!! Go ahead, honestly, you’re invited!! Tell your daughter!! Happy happy..!! That sucked. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything.. I told her. Then a few weeks before the big day, he calls back snd says no, you’re not invited anymore. What?? So daughter finds out through social Media. Good ole internet.. so that was messed up. I didn’t know how to say guess what? We are not invited anymore!!!
YUP … sometimes fsmily sucks. And they all say it’s my fault. Oh well. I’ll say it’s mine too if that helps me get healthy.
and then I can ask GOD or your higher being.. forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us..
I leave them to peace now,

ss one of my friends says about most situations;
It’s not my problem. She doesn’t have time or the energy. She focuses on her kids and grandkids.. that’s it..
she leaves everybody’s baggage at the curb…or do she tries.. she’s pretty kind hearted.

CD, distance can indeed be your friend.

And remember too - just because you don't want to have much to do with them right now doesn't mean you have to declare them your mortal enemy for all time, either. If you can maintain a civil, albeit chilly, relationship with them, you're not slamming the door on the prospect of an eventual reconciliation.

None of us know where we're going to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc. from now. It doesn't make you a "sucker" to keep a small possibility of a future relationship with them on the table, as long as you're not being taken advantage of or it's affecting your health negatively.

(((hugs)))

Why did you lash out?
You say you were responsible for all his care.
Is that something you put on yourself or did family not help? Or did you reject help for one reason or another?
If they offered help and you rejected it because ..
you thought they would not do it right....
they wanted dad in a care facility .... (did they want him in a facility because they saw the toll it was taking on you?)

Families can come back together
you can start "fresh" and do NOT bring up past hurts or feelings. What is past is past.
If all the other family members are moving on with their lives then it is you that is holding yourself back from participating in the family.
You holding on to pain, anger is doing nothing to them, it is effecting your life not theirs.
I suppose the question is do you owe an apology to the family or do they owe you one? My guess is that in the time you were caring for your dad you all did things that you are sorry for.
If you want to heal the wound it is up to you to make the first move.
With the holidays right around the corner it is a good time. That said we do not live a Hallmark life so keep expectations reasonable.

I understand your hurt and pain so well, and I am with you, I have had the exact same experience almost. I have been the sole caregiver for my mom the past decade. Like you, I lashed out once to my brother, to my eternal regret-- because it estranged me from his wife and kids as well, whom I was close to. I know they heard a different story.
My resentment boiled over and got the better of me; I made amends immediately, but he said some nasty things as well he did not directly apologize for--saying he could have done a better job, and it was my fault that I didn't let him (insert multiple crying laughing emojis here...). NO apologies on his part for not thanking me for the multiple updates and caregiving I did over the years. Yes-I still resent that.
But I know the narrative was now set and told to his kids, some of whom reacted differently to me after.
Now the good news--over the past year most of their kids have softened up in their relationship with me--and most, it turned out, truly did not care nearly as much as I thought they would (to be honest my dad did this to his sister, and I never trusted what my dad's narrative was--so there's that).
I reach out to them on Facebook and with cards (for the younger ones) without talking about my resentment-- as I do want a relationship with them, and they are innocent in this situation.
With the one brother, we are slowly feeling our way back mutually, and I do that only with the help of some friends and my husband who helps me to restrain myself from saying things I will later regret.
I have had to control my pride to do this however and that is no easy task because --I AM RIGHT. I now have to decide--would I rather be right or have a relationship with them? That is actually an important question. It may not be worth a relationship--it is up to the individual.
If there is anything I have found in this journey--unless you have been through it, they have NO IDEA what it takes to be a caregiver of an elderly person. I have friends who complain endlessly about how hard it is to be a mom on social media...but it is taboo to complain about taking care of an elderly parent. Instead you get the "it's such a blessing" you can be there for your mom. Barf. It is NOT a blessing. it is a curse to grow old and incompetent and have not control over anything and be in constant confusion and pain. And taking care of that person is a heartbreaking, infuriating, bank-breaking, anxiety-ridden process that seems to have no end.
If we expect our siblings to understand that--they NEVER will until they do it themselves.
I feel that I have had to let go of some of my resentment over these past months and let go of expectations entirely, but the outreach has ALWAYS had to be on my part. That seems to have born responses that are conciliatory and at least remotely acknowledge what I do. This all seems entirely unfair and is. But I realize it matters enough for me to keep the relationship to do this.
That said--I completely and utterly understand people who cut off relationships entirely. In my particular case, I can say my siblings are all good people underneath, but they are limited by the damage from their/ our childhood, which I have addressed, and they have not. We never learned to communicate honestly--I had to learn that as an adult through therapy and 12-step programs. So I've decided for now that I won' t cut them off entirely. I proceed with caution. They'll never validate what I went through.
I hope that helps. There's no wrong way to do this--it depends on what is most important to you. In my case--it would be easier for me to cut everyone off. But I don't want to do that because there was good there at one time. So I've had to be the bigger person and open the door. Ill be ready to close it if must.
Finally-I learned through this, chosen family--friends--are more important than ever

I think that siblings can come back together. The relationship may be different than it was when caregiving was in the picture.

I certainly got no help from my sibling with my mother's needs at any time of my life. I was the family scapegoat too and there is a long history of abuse. My mother has had untreated mental illness for her whole life and she is also a narcissist. Compound all of this with being elderly and needy for some time now.

My sibling always knew it was going to be everyone for themselves. She did not allow herself to be dragged down by out mother's negativity and manipulation. Unfortunately, I drew the short straw.

I have a superficial relationship with my sister. It's well enough. I know that I could never depend on her for anything if the chips were down. I see her from time to time and for a holiday. That's about it.

I think it's best to talk about what you feel. Your siblings should know about the anger and resentment you feel for having all the miserable responsibility of caregiving dumped on you with zero help from them.

They may or may not validate your feelings. Chances are they will not. Okay. Then you will have to get past those feelings and have a superficial relationship with them. When you have this, you can get close to your nieces and nephews. This will bring you great satisfaction and in time who knows? Maybe those relationships will improve the ones with your siblings.

It can go either way. It depends upon the parties that are involved.

I think you need to see a therapist. Because of the deep hurt and pain which has never been validated or acknowledged, that might be preventing you from living the life that you want to have.

A therapist can help you explore those feelings. Since it has been 7 years, you may need to make the first move. A therapist can help you and support you through the process.

Good luck in whatever path you decide to take!