Estrangement from siblings because they never helped me with my dad. Should I try to heal these relationships or let them go?

It can go either way. It depends upon the parties that are involved.

I think you need to see a therapist. Because of the deep hurt and pain which has never been validated or acknowledged, that might be preventing you from living the life that you want to have.

A therapist can help you explore those feelings. Since it has been 7 years, you may need to make the first move. A therapist can help you and support you through the process.

Good luck in whatever path you decide to take!

I think that siblings can come back together. The relationship may be different than it was when caregiving was in the picture.

I certainly got no help from my sibling with my mother's needs at any time of my life. I was the family scapegoat too and there is a long history of abuse. My mother has had untreated mental illness for her whole life and she is also a narcissist. Compound all of this with being elderly and needy for some time now.

My sibling always knew it was going to be everyone for themselves. She did not allow herself to be dragged down by out mother's negativity and manipulation. Unfortunately, I drew the short straw.

I have a superficial relationship with my sister. It's well enough. I know that I could never depend on her for anything if the chips were down. I see her from time to time and for a holiday. That's about it.

I think it's best to talk about what you feel. Your siblings should know about the anger and resentment you feel for having all the miserable responsibility of caregiving dumped on you with zero help from them.

They may or may not validate your feelings. Chances are they will not. Okay. Then you will have to get past those feelings and have a superficial relationship with them. When you have this, you can get close to your nieces and nephews. This will bring you great satisfaction and in time who knows? Maybe those relationships will improve the ones with your siblings.

I understand your hurt and pain so well, and I am with you, I have had the exact same experience almost. I have been the sole caregiver for my mom the past decade. Like you, I lashed out once to my brother, to my eternal regret-- because it estranged me from his wife and kids as well, whom I was close to. I know they heard a different story.
My resentment boiled over and got the better of me; I made amends immediately, but he said some nasty things as well he did not directly apologize for--saying he could have done a better job, and it was my fault that I didn't let him (insert multiple crying laughing emojis here...). NO apologies on his part for not thanking me for the multiple updates and caregiving I did over the years. Yes-I still resent that.
But I know the narrative was now set and told to his kids, some of whom reacted differently to me after.
Now the good news--over the past year most of their kids have softened up in their relationship with me--and most, it turned out, truly did not care nearly as much as I thought they would (to be honest my dad did this to his sister, and I never trusted what my dad's narrative was--so there's that).
I reach out to them on Facebook and with cards (for the younger ones) without talking about my resentment-- as I do want a relationship with them, and they are innocent in this situation.
With the one brother, we are slowly feeling our way back mutually, and I do that only with the help of some friends and my husband who helps me to restrain myself from saying things I will later regret.
I have had to control my pride to do this however and that is no easy task because --I AM RIGHT. I now have to decide--would I rather be right or have a relationship with them? That is actually an important question. It may not be worth a relationship--it is up to the individual.
If there is anything I have found in this journey--unless you have been through it, they have NO IDEA what it takes to be a caregiver of an elderly person. I have friends who complain endlessly about how hard it is to be a mom on social media...but it is taboo to complain about taking care of an elderly parent. Instead you get the "it's such a blessing" you can be there for your mom. Barf. It is NOT a blessing. it is a curse to grow old and incompetent and have not control over anything and be in constant confusion and pain. And taking care of that person is a heartbreaking, infuriating, bank-breaking, anxiety-ridden process that seems to have no end.
If we expect our siblings to understand that--they NEVER will until they do it themselves.
I feel that I have had to let go of some of my resentment over these past months and let go of expectations entirely, but the outreach has ALWAYS had to be on my part. That seems to have born responses that are conciliatory and at least remotely acknowledge what I do. This all seems entirely unfair and is. But I realize it matters enough for me to keep the relationship to do this.
That said--I completely and utterly understand people who cut off relationships entirely. In my particular case, I can say my siblings are all good people underneath, but they are limited by the damage from their/ our childhood, which I have addressed, and they have not. We never learned to communicate honestly--I had to learn that as an adult through therapy and 12-step programs. So I've decided for now that I won' t cut them off entirely. I proceed with caution. They'll never validate what I went through.
I hope that helps. There's no wrong way to do this--it depends on what is most important to you. In my case--it would be easier for me to cut everyone off. But I don't want to do that because there was good there at one time. So I've had to be the bigger person and open the door. Ill be ready to close it if must.
Finally-I learned through this, chosen family--friends--are more important than ever

Why did you lash out?
You say you were responsible for all his care.
Is that something you put on yourself or did family not help? Or did you reject help for one reason or another?
If they offered help and you rejected it because ..
you thought they would not do it right....
they wanted dad in a care facility .... (did they want him in a facility because they saw the toll it was taking on you?)

Families can come back together
you can start "fresh" and do NOT bring up past hurts or feelings. What is past is past.
If all the other family members are moving on with their lives then it is you that is holding yourself back from participating in the family.
You holding on to pain, anger is doing nothing to them, it is effecting your life not theirs.
I suppose the question is do you owe an apology to the family or do they owe you one? My guess is that in the time you were caring for your dad you all did things that you are sorry for.
If you want to heal the wound it is up to you to make the first move.
With the holidays right around the corner it is a good time. That said we do not live a Hallmark life so keep expectations reasonable.

CD, distance can indeed be your friend.

And remember too - just because you don't want to have much to do with them right now doesn't mean you have to declare them your mortal enemy for all time, either. If you can maintain a civil, albeit chilly, relationship with them, you're not slamming the door on the prospect of an eventual reconciliation.

None of us know where we're going to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc. from now. It doesn't make you a "sucker" to keep a small possibility of a future relationship with them on the table, as long as you're not being taken advantage of or it's affecting your health negatively.

(((hugs)))

i was in the same situation. One of mr brothers died. His best friend and his wife called me. They thought my SIL poisoned him. My DH Aldo had same thoughts. I was on the fence. I told them the only thing that this will go forward . If my oldest brother would agree. My SIL had her claws in him too. Her words were golden. She ruled the boys. It was amazing!!
So I totally get it. I have a very small family. And now it’s just DH and me. I’m ok with it. My friends are more family than actual ones..
surround yourself with lioving caring people . If my brother wants to call, he will. I won’t do the calling anymore, because he is always too busy to talk “now”. He promises he will call back on Friday… it’s been almost 6 months… how many Friday’s?
My friend lives just a couple blocks from brothers house who died. His daughter was married and now has two kids. This is where “forgiving” and peace comes into place. The fsmily didn’t want me at the wedding. I wasn’t told, but brothers friend called and said he was sorry he couldn’t make it . I said I didn’t know about it…. My oldest brother finally hit the courage to tell me about the wedding and that I am not invited. I’m not iniviref, but nobody could invite a 14 year old cousin who would have loved to be there? My child wasn’t invited, for what reason, she’s a kid, no family dynamics with her.. That’s where their venom hit my veins.
To make it worse, my living brother purposely calls me and tells me that we are invited to his girls wedding!! Go ahead, honestly, you’re invited!! Tell your daughter!! Happy happy..!! That sucked. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything.. I told her. Then a few weeks before the big day, he calls back snd says no, you’re not invited anymore. What?? So daughter finds out through social Media. Good ole internet.. so that was messed up. I didn’t know how to say guess what? We are not invited anymore!!!
YUP … sometimes fsmily sucks. And they all say it’s my fault. Oh well. I’ll say it’s mine too if that helps me get healthy.
and then I can ask GOD or your higher being.. forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us..
I leave them to peace now,

ss one of my friends says about most situations;
It’s not my problem. She doesn’t have time or the energy. She focuses on her kids and grandkids.. that’s it..
she leaves everybody’s baggage at the curb…or do she tries.. she’s pretty kind hearted.

Try not to waste too much time obsessing about what your siblings did or did not do, I know it is easier said than done, but you are wasting precious time dwelling on this. Remember that just sharing similar DNA sequences does not a family make. I'd suggest seeing a therapist to vent.

As others have written make some life changes for yourself. What makes you happy?

I hope you can put this behind you and find some peace. I wish you a happy life.

I have no delusions that some of my siblings and I could be “ friends again “.
My mother in law throws up in my face that “ it’s family and you’ll regret it when you get older “.

I’m sorry but I will regret it more , if I subject myself to their derogatory comments , gas lighting , and superior attitudes.

Each person as well as the person who posted this question , has to look at the way their siblings were towards them even before caregiving . Many of us kept relationships with siblings only for the sake of our parents while they were alive , and it got worse during caregiving .

IMO , Only If the sibling relationship before caregiving was good , does it have a chance of reconciliation .

Continuing to live with the resentment and anger of what they have done to you will only cause you to have medical issues from the stress of this problem. It has been 7 years since your father passed away, and it has been more than 7 years that you have been carrying around this resentment and anger over what they have done to you. It’s now time for you to let go of the resentment and anger by forgiving them. Forgiving them does not mean that you have to have a relationship with them; it means freeing YOU of the anger and resentment that you have toward them and you can move on and live a happy life without them. Forgiving them will free your mind of the pain and anger that you have been carrying around for so long. Forgiving them will also help you to find a way to eventually have a relationship with them albeit with reservations.

Wishing you peace.

As far as it concerns you,
Be at peace with all people.

You will find peace once you stop trying so hard to have a relationship with anyone who does not want a relationship with you.

Well, I am the youngest in my family, and I was the caregiver for my mom.
I have 2 older sisters, one to whom I am very close, and one to whom I am definitely not.

But that was the case looonnnngggg before my mom needed care.

If you and your sibs were close before the caregiving kicked in, I can understand why you might feel like you may want to try and salvage something. But if you were never really close, then you have to make the decision if it's worth the effort to try and forge something from nothing.

I don't really know how many sibling relationships that were "good" or "close" crumble apart if/when caregiving kicks in. I wonder how many people look at their past relationships with siblings through rose-colored glasses, so to speak, and can't - or won't - acknowledge that there wasn't a whole lot of "closeness" in play before any caregiving started.

I will say my sister's lack of effort when my mom was so sick has made the chance of any sort of meaningful relationship between us pretty much near impossible; and not because of the lack of support she had towards me, but because of the lack of communication with our mom. Even when our mom was actively dying, it was like pulling teeth to get her to come to see mom. BUT - the flip side to this is for all of the years I tried to be accommodating to my sister, reaching out to her over and over to get her to come visit, putting up with her dramatics and histrionics, I don't do anymore. Because I did that more for our mom's sake, because I knew the only way she would ever see my sister would be in either my home or our other sister's home. But my mom is dead now, and I have no compelling reason to try and accommodate my sister anymore. I invite her for Thanksgiving, and give her a "drop dead" date, that if I don't hear from her by then, she can fend for herself for the holiday. No more multiple calls, texts, e-mails, etc. to try and get her to respond. One chance. That's all. And I kick myself for even doing this much, and hope that "next year" I can bring myself to not invite her at all. But I'm not there, yet.

I will add that now that she's retired, she has tried to contact me to "chat", because I believe she has come to realize that she has no one - other than her miserable, drunken husband - with whom to share her retirement time. But that's not my problem. I don't engage, I answer her questions about my life in as few words as possible, and don't ask her any questions about her life in response.

I think that siblings who disregard the ones who are taking care of elderly parents are doing near irreparable damage to any future relationship with those siblings. I imagine for some people, that's no big deal; but for some, I think there may be regrets after.

I don't know where your sibs fall in that equation. But if you don't care for your sibs enough to put forth the effort to reconcile, then don't; and don't feel guilty about it, either. But if you DO decide to make the effort, make sure 1) you're doing it for your own sake, not because your deceased dad "would have wanted you to", and 2) for your own mental well-being, don't expect any of the sibs to have a spontaneous epiphany about what you sacrificed and that they didn't. That isn't likely to happen, and if that's your primary goal, do yourself a favor and don't waste your time.

Good luck and do what is best for you. I think after everything you have done for dad, you deserve it.

Thinking more about this, it is well known that humans are almost unique in continuing any relationship with their parents after reaching adulthood. It doesn’t ‘come naturally’.

Interestingly after the reference to ‘honor thy parents’ in the 10 commandments (and of course the arguments about the meaning of the original word translated as ‘honor’), you are pushing it to find references in the Old or New Testaments to people actually looking after elderly parents. Certainly nothing for Joseph, and not much concern for Mary.

The USA, like Australia, was largely settled by immigrants. Most of them left elderly parents behind to fend for themselves. Perhaps our ‘caring’ expectations are simply unrealistic?

My mom has passed but during my years of caregiving I was so angry at my sibling because they could never make the time to help. It would consume me, not only because I was overwhelmed but also because my mom would ask why they did not visit.

Now that I can think more clearly, out of the emotion of the caregiving efforts, I have come to the conclusion that they were simply not capable. And yes, it even surprises me that I am saying this. They did not have the ability or patience to be a caregiver.

I would call our relationship now an arms length relationship. My anger is gone but the relationship is surface at best. I am not sure if was ever super close. If they reach out, I am absolutely open to a new closeness but I am placing that burden on them to decide. I am cordial, friendly and caring when they do engage. But…..the effort to get closer is entirely up to them.

To AndSoItGoes, who says “We can no longer maintain a sense of community/collective obligation even at the level of the freaking nuclear family”. The USA stands out among wealthier nations in having limited health care and age care systems, which are often criticised. If there really was a “community/collective obligation”, the weight wouldn’t fall on the nuclear family. Or fail the people who have no remaining ‘nuclear family’ anyway. Managing it at a community/collective level is a better option.

I am so upset about how my niece came after me with a court order for her share of the inheritance, just two days after my mom died, that I still can't imagine having the loving relationship we once had ever again. She made the process way more difficult and expensive than it had to be. This was after I helped her with care for my brother, her father, and for her brother, who both eventually died from substance abuse. She was an emotional wreck through it all and I propped her up. And I had taken care of my mom with little help from family for 10 years. I was devastated when she died. The money is not an important part of my feelings about it, just that my niece didn't trust me to do the right thing and that she demanded way more than she was to recieve and questioned every single penny spent on Mom's care. At least I had kept good records, even though practical matters do not come naturally to me. She didn't get any more than she would have gotten if she had just left it to me, and in fact had to pay her lawyer as well. This was two years ago. I told her mother the other day to let her know that I wish her well, but do not want her in my life anymore. I think sometimes when we feel even a little bit abused, it's hard to put ourselves back into relationships that went badly. Sad.

First, why exactly as the eldest daughter would you think you alone were responsible for his care? As an eldest daughter myself I am asking this question. Is this a cultural thing?

Second, I doubt things will ever be the same even if you manage to forgive your siblings. You can try but don't expect too much.

My relationships with my siblings is non-existent aside from our parents' caregiving issues. They fell apart because I think we all came to the realization that we really don't like each other enough as people to keep the relationships going. I think that happens in families more often than not. I don't expect to be keeping in touch when the slog is over.

Random thought: A line from a song - "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world."

Could that be (gasp!) wrong?!? Caregivers get stuck in the belief that they need others to help. That would be nice, but sometimes others don't want to. So then we keep thinking we need them, but we have to do it all ourselves, and our sick loved ones refuse help that would help us take care of them, and we're stuck.

We may be luckier when we don't need others. Just sayin'.

This thread is so different from most. We very often say and read that there is no ‘obligation’ to care, that going to a facility is OK, and that in fact our elders often do better when cared for by non-family members. We may ‘want’ other people to help, but they don’t have to, and we can’t make them.

Your anger at your family members is clearly because you did a lot of caring and they didn’t help the way you wanted them too. Your feelings are so strong, that the family members are probably well and truly over bearing the brunt of your anger.

If you want to get over the estrangement, you first need to look at yourself. That sounds unfeeling, but it's clearly true.

cdn,

What are you passionate about? What makes you happy in life? Focus on those things for now. I remember when I was at my lowest point in life I neglected doing things for myself.

My therapist would tell me to do something fun just for me. I pushed myself to accomplish this even if I didn’t feel like it at first. It really did help.

One thing that I enjoy is music. I love music and I find it to be healing. I started going to hear live music again with friends.

It can be anything that you love, going to art galleries, botanical gardens, taking a class, etc.

Hit the reset button in your brain. Sometimes we get stuck and it takes time to get out of a rut but you can do it.

Wishing you the joy in life that you so deeply deserve.

So, this post addresses sisters who are referred to as ‘Karen.’ Someone has to come up with a name for the men! 😝 Lots of crappy brothers out there too!

That's up to you. I know it sounds over simplified when saying that, but it's your heart you need to search.
Sibs and the antics and dynamics they bring are all different. No one knows your heart but you, nor does anyone else here know where you've been with all of it, or where your family sits inside of the multiple perspectives it all brings to a table. You MUST decide this based on what you know is true for YOU and if your heart is a willing participant in any healing it would need to recover.
Hope this helps.

One more thing, someone very wise said to me one day, “The kindest thing that you can do for someone that wants to be left alone, is to leave them alone.”

Sometimes it isn’t about what we want. It’s about what they need. It may hurt and their reasoning may not make any sense but I don’t see any other choice if we want to find peace for ourselves and move on in our own lives.

Im in ur same boat. Esp my brother. We are estranged and I plan to keep all toxic people away from my life. The others in my family ask how dad's doing but never help. They've all used him for his and mom's money over the last 40 yrs. It seems these are not real family. If this is how ur siblings n nieces n nephews are going to be when u need help, just my opinion, I'd move on.its very hurtful and hard to accept. But you'll know who's really there for u in the end and who's not. If u have to beg for their help, it's not worth it.

You need to ask yourself why you would want to have relationships with these people. Would they be likely to hurt you again? Do you see any advantage to having them in your life?

They most likely are not going to validate or acknowledge your hurt and pain. It would perhaps be too painful for them to do that. If that's what you're seeking, it's probably not going to happen.

There's a family member who cause me so much pain and anguish over my dad's sickness, death and estate that I never want to see or speak to her again. I'm sure I never will. And guess what? Even though we were close in all the years before that, I realized that she was not the same person she'd been. She chose who she wanted to be, and that's her right. My response to block her from anything to do with me is my right. Truthfully, I don't even miss her.

Hi CDN!
I agree with Alva when she wrote:
"I think a gentle acceptance about "estrangements " in life is the best we can do.".

Especially when the communication is one-way.

I try not to revisit the details of the why, and have become more comfortable over the several years now.

I am estranged from my brother and nieces and nephew. It's on them, not me. I have reached out. They're (nieces and nephew) have been glad to hear from me, but that's it. They never bother to reach out to me. Therefore, the communication has stopped. My brother just doesn't bother to respond, so I leave him alone period. I've left them all alone. There were no hostile words exchanged between any of us. It seemed to happen after both parents passed. It is what it is. I can't change that.

It’s never wrong to reach out and try to establish a relationship. You’ll have to let the past go, mainly a gift for yourself as it only hurts you, but also to not carry it into any future relationships. Maybe you’ll be met with kindness, it’s worth a try. If it doesn’t work out, try to build new relationships with friends who bring positivity to your life. I wish you peace

My nuclear family has fractured into 5 separate 'pieces' following the death of my mom.

It's exactly as I thought it would be.

I know mom wouldn't want this, and it's not b/c we have bad feelings--we're all just busy with our own families.

Also, if I am not the one to plan all family get togethers, we simply don't have them.

It's EXHAUSTING to 'force' 50-60 people to come to a party--no matter what. The last party I organized cost me over $300 and I had to practically beg the 2nd generation to come. After the party, as I was cleaning up the kitchen (I used our church facilities, so I had to haul everything there) and CRYING, my YB came in and asked if I was OK. I wasn't, and said "I'm DONE. I'm doing this for mom and if she knew how reluctantly so many of her progeny cared, it would break her heart". He understood, but he didn't ever DO anything.

We were all together at mom's funeral. we will never be together again, unless it's another funeral, and even then? I have to sat that watching my mom's heart break a little more each year that we didn't have any kind of reunion or party was awful. But I wasn't going to kill myself with the ingratitude of so many members of my family.

Once the parents Pass and the Money from inheritance - I have Noticed people no Longer have any contact especially if there was conflict Over caretaking . Usually the eldest daughter does Most of the work . People who say " I am a Only Child " I think you are Lucky . My Brother has done nothing . My sister did Nothing till a year ago when she realized a large sum of Money was involved and she Kidnapped My Father who Is ill . I will No longer Have contact with her daughter and I asked My son to do the same . The situation has turned extremely toxic and Insulting - there is No forgiveness . I say " let them go , they are not your friends . " and get on with your Life . if they could Not help you or your Parent when they were most needed these are not People you want in your Life .

cdn ,

Barb is right . Your nieces and nephews will have gotten a different narrative told to them , and as the years go by stories are embellished . My son is very close to one of his cousins so I do get some of what is said repeated to me . What that nephew was told at times is ridiculous over the years . My son tries to avoid conversation with his cousin over family drama . Since my Mom died I’ve been told there isn’t much interaction at all between siblings , just occasional phone calls . I only speak regularly to one sister .