Hi all,
I continue to read the questions and answers with interest. Numerous people ask about how to get a LO into assisted living and how to handle the move day.
Well, I'm finding even moving from one room to another within the same AL is not easy! I'm working on standing up for myself, protecting myself, but its a process, one cannot change overnight.
For those who have read my past posts, my difficult dad was trying every angle 2 months ago to argue to go back home and get people on his side to argue for him. Thanks to reading and learning here on AgingCare.com, I decided to completely disallow going home, much to his chagrin. Since I made that decision, he was complaining to everyone he could how he was "imprisoned in single tiny room studio in this prison of an assisted living". About 2 months ago, it was announced that a 1BR unit ( a BR, living area, foyer, 3 closets and 2 BRs ) was becoming available. Its quite a nice unit, one of the largest in this AL, and only $1000 more a month. Dad seemed very interested, and I told him " you cant go home , but you can look forward to moving to this nice bigger unit. "
Being an internal client , the room was offered to him. It has now been vacant for 1 month. My dad started to make various demands of changes, telling me and the AL that he wont move in to the room until they are done ( his reasoning being that once he moves, they may take long to do the work, which may be true). The requests were a new toilet, reconfiguring closets, and adding a door to the bathroom, reasonable requests, which are now completed. The management was fine with this for a few weeks, and did not say he had to pay double rent or anything. So I think that was very cooperative and nice of them. However now he keeps thinking of more things , like moving toilet roll holder, getting a "safety consultant" to evaluate grab bar location, and other silly new things. I think that this is probably driven by anxiety, fear of change, and pure dementia. The AL staff are trying to get me to intervene and just convince him to move in already! However, I don't want to get stuck deliberating and mediating so I'm trying to get the staff and management to convince him and just get him moved. However I'm getting messages and calls from each about it! The other day I told him, you have 2 choices 1) move to the nicer bigger room by end of week, 2) stay in your 1 room studio that you hate, and forever hold your peace. He's trying to convince me to come over one evening this week and "go over to the new unit and have another look with him" . I told him that I dont need to see it again, in my mind its fine and ready to move in again so there is nothing for me to look at with him. I think he will try to find more things to demand to be changed , and say hes not moving until its done!
Any ideas on what to do, short of telling the AL management to just move him by end of week , despite all protests, with a firm deadline day?! I'm thinking of staying away for the first couple days after moving, as he will think of various complaints and problems and if I'm there visiting, he will try to get me to do something about these "issues". ....
I don't think Dad would be happy where ever you placed him. He has Dementia and your trying to reason with someone who has lost that ability. He no longer can make informed decisions. As his POA thats now ur responsibility. Let him b***h and cry. You don't ask anymore, you just do it. Your life will be so much better if u just do it. Don't even discuss it with him, you just confuse him, you just do it. The only decision he needs to make is if he wants chocolate or vanilla icecream and when that becomes too much for him, u pick one for him.
I trust you to make the best decision for YOURSELF.
You really understand now how to handle your Dad, I think, and you are out on Forum teaching others.
I trust you to make the best decision here.
If I at all had the time or inclination I would go look at the new place, but that's ALL I would do.
And give honest input, then make HIM make the decision.
So glad that like my bro's facility they will move him.
And so agree with a few days to a week off for YOU after said move.
AlvaDeer raises a good point about whether I make all decisions/ push things through ( " bulldoze" ) or let some decisions be "his".
The past couple days, I have been thinking of what exactly to say to him to, with my newfound confidence, tell him that he has to move now, no ifs ands or buts. I can do that actually now! That has been an accomplishment in the past few weeks!. He wont like it, he will argue, then plead, then probably we both start raising our voices, turn into a shouting match, then I'll conclude saying "I'm firm, you are moving to the room and thats that, no more discussion". That can be done and he would move. But then he will remember and keep in his mind that "you forced me to move here to this room.."
The other approach being, to tell him I think all is done with the room, and that in my opinion he should move this week. Then let it be between him and AL staff as to whether he actually does it...... I then "wash my hands" of the final step.
I'm still worrying I guess to "fix things" so there is no embarrassment or any scene to occur in the AL. But, why worry about trying to prevent a scene? Let him create a scene there? not the end of the world, maybe I should let things unfold as they may....?
I did speak with an assistant manager today at the AL, told her that, as the POA/ rent payer, my opinion is that he should move this week. She said that my dad has asked to speak with her and she will today. So I think I'll let that play out now....
Don't share everything with him, including what you do in your personal life.
Good Luck
Tell him that the facility has said if he does not move in by the end of this month the unit will go to another resident. And they have offered the other available unit to another resident. So if he truly wants to move he would have to wait until another unit became available.
I think staying away for a little while after the move would be a good idea.
Good luck!
Just have AL staff move him . If you think Dad will drive you crazy and you need to go for the move , only pop in and out quickly just to make sure his things are all moved , quickly try to put things where he usually has them , like the remote control, the phone , reading glasses ……and note in your brain where things are , so when he calls you can tell him where they are. Again , the phone calls can go to voicemail . You can listen and call back later. Let him try to look for things himself first and get acclimated . Don’t answer every call or call back right away , or else calling you all the time will continue. I would stay away , for at least a week after .
Due to his dementia , he is fixated on renovation type things. He tried this before when he told you he wanted to buy a house and do renovations . It will never be good enough. He will keep coming up with something so long as they keep jumping at all his requests .
Make this his last move , unless god forbid he ever needs SNF , then he will really not be happy , as no renovations will be done for him there .
Your father is like my father in law was . He thought he could ‘ call all the shots “ because he “ was paying the rent to live there “. He’s trying to maintain control . Dementia is a beast .
Tell him, ‘Either move into your new room now or run the risk the of it not being available later on. There is always a waiting list for rooms and they will not hold it for very long.’
Put the monkey on his back!
Don’t allow him to bark out orders or make unreasonable requests.
Best wishes to you and your family.
"Hey Dad. Your new room is move in ready. I'll be there on [insert here] to move you. Will see you then."
sson, one important thing to remember, almost ALWAYS they are farther along on the path than can be seen.
The following are some real life examples with my own relatives while I was involved in their care that means you can't believe everything they say or give them everything they want:
1) Nurse says you don't look good. The answer = "I'm fine." Fainted and dropped to the floor while nurse looks on in surprise.
2) "Mom your not doing so well". The answer = "I'm fine." Forced her to ER and got a stroke diagnosis.
3) Me to sibling: "Are you okay?" The answer ="I'm fine." It is just my usual allergies and problems". A few months later dead of non-diagnosed leukemia.
4) With a BIMS of 3, MIL said "I'm fine." I'm not crazy and I can take care of myself!" while looking for her gun to shoot the strange people she claimed took showers in their clothes.
5) In a bad version of a Lethal Weapon scene, Me to FIL: "Are you okay in there?" The answer = "I'm fine". Two hours later and multiple phone calls for help, the bathroom door had to be forced open to find him sitting on the toilet, unable to stand, and the bathroom "destroyed".
And, I had a high school friend whose father was found dead on the bathroom three days after saying "I'm fine. It is just a cold".
So bluntly put, tell him he is moving, this is when and then do it. Don't hold your breath waiting for him to make the decisions as you won't look good that shade of blue.
Tell dad the AL will do nothing more in the new unit and as a matter of fact, there's another person interested in renting it by next week if he doesn't.
Done and done.
Learn how to play the game and become the master at what what your father does for a hobby. It doesn't take time.....it just requires a decision to take charge.
Have him moved to the new room by the end of the week and stay away for at least a week, maybe two.
Why bother with this new room and all these modifications when you are considering moving him to a new AL anyway?
The bad thing is your dad is just going to keep complaining and complaining and complaining. The good thing is you can choose to set boundaries and stop the insanity.
You are running around trying to get dad to accept AL and be happy. He is never, ever going to be happy. Ever.
Yes, stay away for the first week, as he will do nothing but complain.
Do not try and resolve his issues, if he keeps up the nonsense the facility may decide he is not worth the trouble, there is someone right behind him that can fill his space.
He is not the King of his castle anymore.