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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Thanks, Sophe. I am NOT on my hubby's "right to know" medical records, so legally, his doctor cannot talk to me. His doctor is certainly aware, to a degree, of the situation, but as my hubby doesn't "complain" of it. it's not considered an issue. If he has a procedure or something, I get a little bit of info as next of kin, but I cannot actually talk to the dr. This is my problem and I have to figure it out. Drs do not care, I've found. Sadly. Also, b/c he CAN work a 40 hr week, he is not considered to have a "problem". All that he feels is required of him is 40 hrs of work, and then he can sleep the rest of the time. And he frequently does. Found a new therapist for ME--and I will deal with this somehow.
One thing that might be helpful with the 'can't talk to his doctor' issue. You can always call the doctor's office, get the fax number and fax (or mail) comments regarding the patient. The doctor cannot acknowledge or return a comment to you, but you can comment all you want to him/her. Like a one-way valve...you can send info, but the doctor can't respond to you. But sometimes that is enough, especially if you provide them your input in a way that will leave a written record. All the better for suing the pants off of them if they fail to attend to what you say and there are bad consequences to that failure.
It helps to vent, now and then. And to talk about it and see if I am the 'crazy one' and this behavior is totally normal and NOT really any of my concern.
Also, The OP maybe just can't remember the sign in info. I have certainly done that a time or two!!
MidKid, I think I'm to blame for redirectingi the thread by responding to you. But it happens, and some interesting issues were raised and hopefully you were helped.
It happens far too often that an OP gives insufficient or unclear information and never comes back to clarify. So I see that original post as an opportunity for you to get some assistance. Made it worthwhile in that sense.
You're all so sweet to me--I feel so bad about hijacking this post, it was NOT about me and I made it be so. But thanks for the moral support, I have no one to talk to about this, my kids see this dynamic and HATE it, but they've all said "you knew what you were getting when you got married" (That's patently untrue, nobody knows....and he is a 180 change from 39 years ago.) I think DIL would say more, but they live in another state and once she's said her peace, she's out. Doesn't care. My SIL is also a Dr, and he also has talked to my hubby--but as most stubborn people, he'll never change. I hope the original poster comes back, they'd probably get some great advice--I hope my ranting didn't drive them away.
I'm REALLY sorry I hijkacked this post...inexcusable. My point, if there was one in all that rambling is: a lot of the time people give up, for whatever reason, choose to "dig a hole and crawl in". Sleeping the daytime, on a daily basis is at the base of many health issues. Once those issues are addressed, it doesn't mean the person will stop the behavior. And as caregiver, you do your utmost to make sure the person in your care is getting the best advice. My problem is, I don't HEAR that advice, I don't KNOW what is going on. Every time we've thought "Oh THIS is the reason for the incredible sleepiness"...it isn't. If the "sick" person cares, then you are likely to find a causation. If they don't........again, I am so sorry.
Wow, I had to go back and read this as I commented quickly while chasing my near 3 year old. Best to Midkid, sounds like the daughter I law confronts him well. Hope things turn around for you and your husband realizes things before too late to see before he loses you.
I apologize for redirecting the thread, but I thought that MidKid has an issue that was worthy of addressing, and I kind of suspected that the OP wouldn't be back for a while and wanted to respond to MidKid.
I LOVE the idea of packing up and throwing the question right back to MidKid's husband! Great suggestion.
Sunnygirl, no the original writer didn't return to answer us. It's strange, all the postings are now out of order according to time stamp... makes it a bit confusing to read.
Midkid, one suggestion, get a lot of packing boxes and set them in the hallway... if hubby asks what are the boxes for, just answer "what do you think?" and walk away.... he won't know if you are moving or if he is moving.... this helped my sig other to get a temporary wake up call that he needs to shape up or ship out. Of course, it's just a band-aid on the problem. Hmmm, I need to bring those packing boxes back out as my sig other is acting like this is the Holiday Inn.
My husband, the main care giver to his father, is doing this as well. He is exhausted. I hope the poster fills us in on her situation. I am about to post about suggestions for our situation and saw this.
Well, there are the diabetic and refusal to use his CPAP issues, as well as the refusal to do physical exercise and becoming deconditioning. Not wearing his CPAP machine alone can compromise his respiratory efficiency and leave him listless and tired.
As I read your explanatory post, I was trying to think of positive recommendations but honestly all I could think of was that this very stubborn and uncooperative (sorry to be blunt - I don't know any other polite term) man has made his own decisions and won't be swayed. He's dug a hole for himself and doesn't want to come out.
His behavior toward you has deteriorated as well. Honestly, I get the impression he really doesn't care. If he won't allow you to visit his doctors with him, and I assume he wouldn't also execute a HIPAA form so you can get information, then I think he's just pulling away from you, and reality, and withdrawing. Perhaps he's depressed, but given his attitude, I don't think realistically if there's anything you can do.
Wish I could think of some suggestions but I think there's not much you can do except refocus on how to protect yourself, including leaving if his verbal abuse becomes any worse.
I'm concerned as well about the hostile attitude he takes, the arbitrary positions such as leaving the tv on - to me these are just plain being stubborn, uncooperative and obnoxious.
I don't wish to make hurtful comments, but I can't help think he's deliberately pushing you away. Perhaps all he does want is to be alone and miserable until it's too late.
Save yourself; you're still young enough to enjoy life without someone who treats you like crap and won't take care of himself. Sometimes it's harder to recognize that a situation isn't solveable than it is to try and correct it.
Thanks-- Hubby has Hep C, which gave him primary liver cancer, Had a Liver Transplant 9 years ago, then did 84 weeks on a chemo like therapy. Brutal beyond words. At that time he began the sleep -all -the -time dynamic. He was able to work throughout TX and so I just let him sleep whenever he needed to. BUT after the TX ended and he relapsed (meaning the HCV came back) he got very depressed and this has been the dynamic since then. He just ended 12 weeks of Harvoni (if you see any magazines, you see this ad) and he was cleared of the disease in 1 week--but after a 12 week course, he waits 12 more weeks to see if the "cure" took. We won't know until August 1st. He IS type 2 diabetic and he treats it well, He is supposed to wear a CPAP but since losing weight with the diabetes control, won't wear it. He needs to be tested to see if he still needs is. Won't deal with it. He is beyond stubborn---and if he wants to sleep for 4-5 days in a row, I can't do anything to change that. Trust me, a list of activities doesn't work, a honey do list makes him furious and he has told me repeatedly to leave him alone. Nobody believed me with this sleep thing until we spent a week with our son. He slept all day, everyday we were visiting. Son's wife is a dr, she was appalled and spoke her mind. Now hubby just "pretends" when he's around her that he's fine. He can work a very demanding job--but it's sedentary. He has lost almost all muscle tone in his legs. He can't walk a mile w/o being totally exhausted. He'll hurt his back if he picks up a grandkid....back to bed with muscle relaxants. I am NOT allowed at dr's visits, haven't been since I made the comment several years ago that I was really concerned about the sleep issue. He told me that this has nothing to do with me and to shut up about it. Welllll.......I'm no saint. I am waiting to see what the latest TX results are. If he clears, he has NO excuse to stay in bed. If he relapses, then he is facing death sooner, rather than later. I'm seriously considering leaving him. (They told us his Transplant is "good" for 10-15 years) We've had nearly no "good times" since he had it....I have to be creative and ask people/family over and pretty much force him to get up. He can, and if he gets involved, he can be "himself"....but the other day I asked him (after day 4 of sleeping) what retirement was going to hold...he said "I plan to go to bed and never get up". I have no doubt that is exactly what he will do. He comes in from work (9-7) puts on his noise (wife) cancelling headphones, turns on the TV and goes to bed. The TV MUST be left on at all times. If I turn it off, he wakes up and turns it back on. He watches Fox News only. He usually eats all his meals in bed. He doesn't want to talk to me. He will not do things around the house. He LOVES his job and can work 50-60 hrs at a time and be absolutely fine--in fact, he gets kind of hyper at work. (he's an engineer). If grandkids come over, he will lay on the couch or on a blanket on the ground and they play "around him" and he sleeps. At our kids' homes, he lays on THEIR couch and dozes.
Again, I'm no saint. I worked 2 jobs for 3 years to pay for the first TX and for the medical bills that the TP brought. I then went to PT work. I had to have 2 back surgeries, but still worked after the first one. Am still rehabbing after the 2nd one and a toe surgery from last week. I am looking to go back to PT work, just so I can get away from him. weekends are horrible as he sleeps and sleeps and the sound of the TV on 24/7 makes me frantic.
During this time I cared for my father as he went into Hospice and then died. Also my FIL. Now my mother is doing very poorly. I take complete care of our home and family as needed. He says that he has fulfilled his "obligation" by always working 40 hours a week. I am grateful to him forever because he HAS worked so hard and been a good provider---but----this is no life. So--after the short story I just posted..any more ideas on how to motivate this man? I have told him I would leave and all he says is "Go, don't go, I can take care of myself". I think he is horrifically depressed, but 63 yo men are kind of dinosaurs and he will not address this issue. It's just easier for him to tell me I am crazy and roll over and go back to sleep. Whew, I had that bullet in the chamber for a loooong time.
Midkid, your hubby and my sig other must have been separated at birth... same issue here. He sleeps away his days off. Good excuse for not doing chores :P
But to defend my sig other he does work a very intense job, and he's in his late 60's. But still, I don't remember my Dad doing all that sleeping at his age, of course my Mom would get after him with a honey-do list :)
Sometimes injury will cause one to sleep more as pain can be exhausting, making it hard to sleep at night, so one tries to make it up during the day.
Midkid, since your husband falls asleep when he's not active, can you create activities for the two of you to do together to help him stay awake a little bit longer?
I wonder also how much sugar is in his diet. His glucose levels could be normal, but that doesn't necessarily reflect that sugar intake might be affecting his fatigue/energy level.
What about the rest of his diet?
Perhaps you could keep a log of your husband's nap times to present to his doctor. This seems unusual for someone so young.
On the other hand, it depends on his job as well. Is it hard physical labor, working on construction in the hot weather, or an office high stress position?
I personally await this answer---my 63 yo hubby does the same thing, Sits down and if he's not actually DOING something, he falls asleep. And soundly, too. He sleeps 10-12 hrs a night and all weekend, every weekend. Literally. His bloodwork shows he's OK. His dr refuses to believe that he does this. It's been the dynamic here for almost 10 years. Now we are facing retirement--and he said all he wants to do is sleep. Yikes!!
They are right. It's difficult to provide a response if we don't know more details.
Being sleepy during the day is something to see your doctor about. It could be sleep apnea. Look into it. It's treatable and can make a huge improvement in your overall health when propertly treated. If that is the cause for your sleepiness.
Yes, please tell us more. You may be overworked and have little sleep or you could need a blood test. Low hemoglobin will do that. I'd suggest that you make an appointment with your doctor. That comes first. Other issues may need to be addressed, too, so the more we know the more we can help. Take care, Carol
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Also, The OP maybe just can't remember the sign in info. I have certainly done that a time or two!!
It happens far too often that an OP gives insufficient or unclear information and never comes back to clarify. So I see that original post as an opportunity for you to get some assistance. Made it worthwhile in that sense.
But thanks for the moral support, I have no one to talk to about this, my kids see this dynamic and HATE it, but they've all said "you knew what you were getting when you got married" (That's patently untrue, nobody knows....and he is a 180 change from 39 years ago.) I think DIL would say more, but they live in another state and once she's said her peace, she's out. Doesn't care. My SIL is also a Dr, and he also has talked to my hubby--but as most stubborn people, he'll never change. I hope the original poster comes back, they'd probably get some great advice--I hope my ranting didn't drive them away.
And as caregiver, you do your utmost to make sure the person in your care is getting the best advice. My problem is, I don't HEAR that advice, I don't KNOW what is going on. Every time we've thought "Oh THIS is the reason for the incredible sleepiness"...it isn't. If the "sick" person cares, then you are likely to find a causation. If they don't........again, I am so sorry.
I LOVE the idea of packing up and throwing the question right back to MidKid's husband! Great suggestion.
Midkid, one suggestion, get a lot of packing boxes and set them in the hallway... if hubby asks what are the boxes for, just answer "what do you think?" and walk away.... he won't know if you are moving or if he is moving.... this helped my sig other to get a temporary wake up call that he needs to shape up or ship out. Of course, it's just a band-aid on the problem. Hmmm, I need to bring those packing boxes back out as my sig other is acting like this is the Holiday Inn.
As I read your explanatory post, I was trying to think of positive recommendations but honestly all I could think of was that this very stubborn and uncooperative (sorry to be blunt - I don't know any other polite term) man has made his own decisions and won't be swayed. He's dug a hole for himself and doesn't want to come out.
His behavior toward you has deteriorated as well. Honestly, I get the impression he really doesn't care. If he won't allow you to visit his doctors with him, and I assume he wouldn't also execute a HIPAA form so you can get information, then I think he's just pulling away from you, and reality, and withdrawing. Perhaps he's depressed, but given his attitude, I don't think realistically if there's anything you can do.
Wish I could think of some suggestions but I think there's not much you can do except refocus on how to protect yourself, including leaving if his verbal abuse becomes any worse.
I'm concerned as well about the hostile attitude he takes, the arbitrary positions such as leaving the tv on - to me these are just plain being stubborn, uncooperative and obnoxious.
I don't wish to make hurtful comments, but I can't help think he's deliberately pushing you away. Perhaps all he does want is to be alone and miserable until it's too late.
Save yourself; you're still young enough to enjoy life without someone who treats you like crap and won't take care of himself. Sometimes it's harder to recognize that a situation isn't solveable than it is to try and correct it.
Hubby has Hep C, which gave him primary liver cancer, Had a Liver Transplant 9 years ago, then did 84 weeks on a chemo like therapy. Brutal beyond words. At that time he began the sleep -all -the -time dynamic. He was able to work throughout TX and so I just let him sleep whenever he needed to. BUT after the TX ended and he relapsed (meaning the HCV came back) he got very depressed and this has been the dynamic since then. He just ended 12 weeks of Harvoni (if you see any magazines, you see this ad) and he was cleared of the disease in 1 week--but after a 12 week course, he waits 12 more weeks to see if the "cure" took. We won't know until August 1st.
He IS type 2 diabetic and he treats it well, He is supposed to wear a CPAP but since losing weight with the diabetes control, won't wear it. He needs to be tested to see if he still needs is. Won't deal with it.
He is beyond stubborn---and if he wants to sleep for 4-5 days in a row, I can't do anything to change that. Trust me, a list of activities doesn't work, a honey do list makes him furious and he has told me repeatedly to leave him alone. Nobody believed me with this sleep thing until we spent a week with our son. He slept all day, everyday we were visiting. Son's wife is a dr, she was appalled and spoke her mind. Now hubby just "pretends" when he's around her that he's fine.
He can work a very demanding job--but it's sedentary. He has lost almost all muscle tone in his legs. He can't walk a mile w/o being totally exhausted. He'll hurt his back if he picks up a grandkid....back to bed with muscle relaxants.
I am NOT allowed at dr's visits, haven't been since I made the comment several years ago that I was really concerned about the sleep issue. He told me that this has nothing to do with me and to shut up about it.
Welllll.......I'm no saint. I am waiting to see what the latest TX results are. If he clears, he has NO excuse to stay in bed. If he relapses, then he is facing death sooner, rather than later. I'm seriously considering leaving him. (They told us his Transplant is "good" for 10-15 years) We've had nearly no "good times" since he had it....I have to be creative and ask people/family over and pretty much force him to get up. He can, and if he gets involved, he can be "himself"....but the other day I asked him (after day 4 of sleeping) what retirement was going to hold...he said "I plan to go to bed and never get up". I have no doubt that is exactly what he will do.
He comes in from work (9-7) puts on his noise (wife) cancelling headphones, turns on the TV and goes to bed. The TV MUST be left on at all times. If I turn it off, he wakes up and turns it back on. He watches Fox News only. He usually eats all his meals in bed. He doesn't want to talk to me. He will not do things around the house. He LOVES his job and can work 50-60 hrs at a time and be absolutely fine--in fact, he gets kind of hyper at work. (he's an engineer). If grandkids come over, he will lay on the couch or on a blanket on the ground and they play "around him" and he sleeps. At our kids' homes, he lays on THEIR couch and dozes.
Again, I'm no saint. I worked 2 jobs for 3 years to pay for the first TX and for the medical bills that the TP brought. I then went to PT work. I had to have 2 back surgeries, but still worked after the first one. Am still rehabbing after the 2nd one and a toe surgery from last week. I am looking to go back to PT work, just so I can get away from him. weekends are horrible as he sleeps and sleeps and the sound of the TV on 24/7 makes me frantic.
During this time I cared for my father as he went into Hospice and then died. Also my FIL. Now my mother is doing very poorly. I take complete care of our home and family as needed. He says that he has fulfilled his "obligation" by always working 40 hours a week. I am grateful to him forever because he HAS worked so hard and been a good provider---but----this is no life. So--after the short story I just posted..any more ideas on how to motivate this man? I have told him I would leave and all he says is "Go, don't go, I can take care of myself". I think he is horrifically depressed, but 63 yo men are kind of dinosaurs and he will not address this issue. It's just easier for him to tell me I am crazy and roll over and go back to sleep. Whew, I had that bullet in the chamber for a loooong time.
But to defend my sig other he does work a very intense job, and he's in his late 60's. But still, I don't remember my Dad doing all that sleeping at his age, of course my Mom would get after him with a honey-do list :)
Sometimes injury will cause one to sleep more as pain can be exhausting, making it hard to sleep at night, so one tries to make it up during the day.
I wonder also how much sugar is in his diet. His glucose levels could be normal, but that doesn't necessarily reflect that sugar intake might be affecting his fatigue/energy level.
What about the rest of his diet?
Perhaps you could keep a log of your husband's nap times to present to his doctor. This seems unusual for someone so young.
On the other hand, it depends on his job as well. Is it hard physical labor, working on construction in the hot weather, or an office high stress position?
Being sleepy during the day is something to see your doctor about. It could be sleep apnea. Look into it. It's treatable and can make a huge improvement in your overall health when propertly treated. If that is the cause for your sleepiness.
Take care,
Carol
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