She tries to get out of the outside doors when she can barely walk with a walker. I have to lock all doors to prevent her from leaving. She says she has to go she has things she has got to do even if she has to walk two hours to get there. She gets verbally abusive when I prevent her from leaving.For three to four hours she goes from one door to the next trying to get out of the house or begging me or my husband to take her to get somewhere. She can't tell us where she wants to go or how to get there but she just has to go like now. She has dementia. She walks constantly during this time and I have to stay close for fear of her falling. There is a step down to the back door where she has fallen going up and down. When she gets to these steps I have to be there to help her up or down. This starts around three pm every day and goes on until she is so tired she can't walk anymore. Is this sun downers? She will continue to beg me to let her go or take her where she has to be. She tells me she has to pick the kids up at school although her youngest child is fifty years old. She will say her mother is expecting her when her mother has been dead for thirty years. My dear mother is ninety-two years old and so confused she will not believe me when I tell her she has adult children or that her mother has been deceased thirty years. Every day for hours it is a battle to prevent her from wandering off no matter what I tell her. I can't take my eyes off of her for one minute. Her doctor will not medicate her. I refuse to put her in a nursing home. I want to be her caregiver. I want her final years to be peaceful for her. I take her to visit her other children although it is difficult to get her in and out of a vehicle. What can I do to get her through these few hours of horror every day?
It sounds like in her mind your mom is a young mother. Of course she doesn't have adult children -- she is much too young for that! But she does have kids she has to care for, and late afternoon is a busy time. They are coming home from school, she has to start dinner, supervise homework. These memories are all jumbled in her head and it feels very real to her. She is frantic to get going and do her duty.
Many caregivers find that it is most peaceful and most respectful to get into their loved one's reality. Reassure and sooth your mother. Don't try to convince her of your reality (you can see that doesn't work). "It's OK. The kids went to Aunt Doris's this afternoon, so you can have a little break. Next week all the kids will come to your house and give Aunt Doris a break. You get to just relax this afternoon. Let's sit down and have a Coke and look at some magazines." Make up a little story to fit the time when she was a young mother. Where might her children be that they are safe and don't need her right this minute? The goal is to reassure her and relieve her of feeling anxious.
One of Agingcare's experts has just written a short, helpful article about this topic. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-therapy-for-dementia-166707.htm
Has Mother's doctor explained why he or she does not want to try medication? Is Mom seeing a dementia specialist?
Perhaps it would help if you had some in-home help during the late afternoon.
Have you tried to redirect your mom before she goes into this state? Anticipating her becoming upset, how about bringing out some photo albums or finding something on tv she may find interesting. If this agitation has become the norm try to break the habit. Is there something she can do to help prepare dinner like set the table? Sometimes redirecting works and sometimes it doesn't.
Bless your mom's heart. In her mind she still has a full day ahead of her. Dinner to prepare, kids to care for, she has to return her mom's call.....If she believes these things that's fine just do what you can to alleviate her agitation.
My mom used to use the posey on my grandmother to keep her from wandering off. It was the only way my mom could go to the bathroom or fix a meal without grandma wandering off, possibly getting lost and/or hurt. It's for her own protection, but she sometimes got quite angry about it. The main thing to do is to find a way to keep her from getting through the area where she could fall and get hurt. A child gate isn't sufficient, because she'll possibly try to step over it and/or pull it out. If she tries to step over it, you can imagine she'll probably trip and get hurt, that way.
I don't know if there's a way you can just take her around the house -- if there's one exit that's safe for her to use, but where you take her for a walk and if that would satisfy it. Or, possibly a quick car ride. In some people, they'll forget why they're going around the house or in the car, so it might be worth trying.
When they are having what seems irrational behavior to leave or see someone who is long gone, it is important to acknowledge their thoughts and feelings, even if we do not understand.
Validate their fears, their sadness, their emotions. Talk about whatever it is they want to talk about, even if you've heard it so many times you could tell it yourself. Commiserate with them, let them know you understand and hug them a lot.
Dementia is a rough thing to go through, but if my mom has to go through it, I am glad I am here to go through it with her.
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