Lately it seems like my Mom will have a really good day or two and then it will be followed by one or several where she almost appears to be passing. Today is one of those days...yesterday was one of the good ones....I am pretty sure it is all part of the process of this disease, but the extreme highs and lows and always being alone to care for her are making me feel like someone is slowing draining the blood out of me. I am dragging this morning, trying to just go about the daily routine, she is resting, I am keeping an eye on her....my right leg continues to feel like it is going to explode and I have zero energy. I just want to sit down in the middle of wherever I am and cry...if it would help, which it won't. I am pondering the course of the past couple and a half years of no help from the sibling and now I am about to lose my house...to which he told me..."gee I hate that"....I still have personal belongings in my home because I have nowhere to put them here because he continues to use Mom's house for his own personal storage area. I have one cousin who "helps" which means she comes in the door, sits down, and waits for me to bring her a cup of coffee. She does not change my Mom, does not feed her, unless I call her on the phone and tell her to do it...she always tells me well I asked her was she hungry and she said no....I have to constantly tell her....Mama will NEVER tell you she is hungry, you just have to get it and offer it to her and then she eats. I am having a pity party I suppose....without the hats and balloons because I can't afford those....ha.......
My only sibling got 75 % of my parents assets after my Dad passed and yet never helps out whatsoever with anything here. And still I would do it over again, but I am just wondering if I will ever be able to feel close to my sibling or any family members again as this has been the lonliest road I have ever walked. I watched Joyce Meyers the other night and she was saying not to do exactly what I am doing right now, but I have been trying to be optimistic and it seems the harder I try the more I feel totally overwhelmed.
I am currently trying to clear out a bunch of "junk" that my sibling did bring here...all a bunch of crap they did not want anymore...it is old, it is stained, and yet he thought we might want it. He calls this helping. I have tried to gently tell him we have plenty of this kind of stuff and just don't have room for it, but when I have done that he blesses me out and starts yelling at me. I have never been one who backed down from anything in my life, but I will admit, the ugliness of that whole dynamic is so painful for me I just let him boss me around and chew me out and talk down to me and try to get over it later.
I'm not sure why I am writing this...Mama is not sitting here staring at me and that is driving me crazy too...Who knew when I was a little girl and dreamed of my life this is what I was dreaming of...I will never be the same again..back to work.....
I think crying is OK. I guess it technically doesn't help outside circumstances but it can be a release.
I have decided as soon as it can be arranged, I am going to see about getting Mama in respite care for a few days. I can feel it....my health is on the skids.