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I go my mother-in-law's home 6 days a week, 10 hours a day. Her entire right leg was amputated, shes a cardiac patient, and is now incontinent. She is on no less than 12 meds a day. She has come back from a nursing home and needs 24/7 care. Shes only 52. I have been with her the past month now. Nurses and therapists come all week. They tell her and I what she SHOULD be doing, but when they leave she refuses to do the things that will help her. I have a very bad back and hip. Moving, lifting, and changing her diapers are killing me. Her fiancee works 6 days a week, leaving me with Sunday off. I have that one day to try to catch up with what did not get done in my house all week. I am the mother of two, and I never see my children. She will not allow anyone other than her fiancee and I to change her diapers. I am becoming resentful of my husband. I do not know how to explain to him that I simply cannot do this on my own anymore. I am spent physically, mentally, emotionally. I cry in the bathroom. Sometimes I wish something bad would happen to me so I couldn't take care of her anymore. I feel like I am dying inside. I do not see friends or family. I cannot leave the room she is in for long because she actively tries to get out of the bed on her own when I do. My children are suffering, I am suffering, my marriage is suffering, my house is suffering. I just cannot do it anymore. I want to pack myself and my kids up and just disappear. I cry as I write this. my husband and her fiancee will not put her in a home, and no one has offered to help me. Even if someone were to offer, she will not let anyone else change her. I cannot sleep because of my back pain, and when I do I have dreams that I wake up in bed next to my dead Mother-in-law. I am losing my mind.

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Enter your zipcode in the box on the right and click "Home Care". Get somebody in there and hand the bill to these two men and tell them "You figure it out." Hold your ground. Don't change another diaper. Don't lift anymore. You did not mention dementia, but if she won't stay in bed, won't follow nurses instructions and won't help herself, she is not rowing with both oars. She is nursing home material, possibly even memory care material if she won't follow instructions. Save yourself. Your children deserve to have a Mother.
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These may sound like harsh words, but sometimes reality IS harsh. Darlin' .. you ARE dying. What you're trying to do is literally killing you. And your back is the physical part that's trying to tell you so. Go to your doctor, get him to give you a diagnosis that precludes the lifting of another human being (I mean, really ... c'mon!).

Right now, your FIRST priority is you (put the air mask on in the airplane before you run out of breath and canNOT help anyone else) and your children. They ARE suffering as a result of this, and it's your JOB, your duty, your responsibility to put them ahead of everything else.

If the guys in her life refuse to wake up and pay attention, take Pam's advice. It's literally not your job to make it happen. You're not their slave, even if they're treating you as such.

And, here's the harsh part: if you continue as you are, with the knowledge that there are other options, YOU will take the brunt of it, and that's on you. And, you'll get to watch you and your family fall apart. Take a stand, and don't budge from it.
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I think you've already gone way above and beyond any call of duty here. It's time to tell your husband straight out, what you've told us . Better yet, print out what you posted above, and hand it to your husband. Print out the whole thread while you're at it. Tell him, "I wrote this and I mean every word."

It's time for your husband and your mother-in-law's fiance to come up with another solution to THEIR problem . Tell them that you are no longer the answer. I totally agree with what Pam suggested above. I just would add, that you can get that phone number to call for help, but you should hand it to your husband. HE is the one who should make those calls. As for you: No more diapers, no more lifting. Not only do your children deserve a mother, you deserve a life.
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i agree, get some dang home help! They are well worth the money spent. As for 'She wont allow" I think if she lays in a dirty diaper for awhile she surely will allow. do not ruin your back and you life any more than it is for a woman who will not help herself at all. If her "fiancee" can work 6 days a week,,, maybe he needs to cut back to 5 and give you a break, so he knows what is up here. Maybe you can get some help to clean your house so you don't have to do so much on your limited time off. Sorry if this is harsh, but I am worried about you!
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It's like taking care of toddlers, some men have no idea how much work is involved until they are forced to take over. Make that force a reality, tell hubby you can't get out of bed because of your back, he will have to go to his Mom's to help out.... maybe after a week of that he will FINALLY realize how much work there is. Buy a cane and use it for yourself because of your back, that's an eye opener for those who are more visional then for listening.

How I hate it when choosing a caregiver the finger is always pointed at the woman. People think women naturally knows what to do. Children didn't come with a *how to* book, never do elderly parents.

Come on, men, your hands aren't painted on, and you have a brain good enough for work, you should be able to figure out how to care for someone else. Learn like the rest of us have done, even professional male caregivers had to learn.

I think you are ready for a road trip, I know I am, and we can pick up a few others on the way :0 Might even make room for the "Captain" [another writer on these blogs], he's one male who knows how to be a good caregiver.
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You've devoted your entire life to your MIL. You've sacrificed your marriage, your children, and most importantly yourself to this woman. If you weren't there to change her diaper someone eventually would come along to do it. It could be in-home help that this fiancée person has to hire. Or around-the-clock care that your HUSBAND has to hire. I don't even know these men, or you, and I'm angry at the situation. I can only imagine how you must feel.

You simply walk away. I'm not saying walk away from your life, such as it is, but you walk away from your MIL. A decent person might want to give these boys a week's notice to figure something else out. Or not.

You're done. I felt your pain in what you wrote and I almost cried for you. If someone isn't holding a gun to your head then you can walk away. This woman needs to be in a nursing home. Maybe when you tell your husband and this fiancée that you can't do it anymore they'll be forced to see the reality. Why should they entertain the notion of a nursing home when they have you to do it all for free, all day, everyday?

I'm outraged for you. You've been damaged and you need to save your life. I hope you do it.
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How do you tell your husband? I suggest in English, unless you are both more comfortable in another language.

If you are having a hard time getting started, print out this thread, and ask him to read it before you have a conversation.

You need to stop this insanity before it literally kills you.
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Sounds to me like her level of care requires skilled nursing. Stress is by far the number one killer. You are now putting yourself at risk for health problems. I know it just kind of sneaks up on you and when you realize just how stressed you are. I've been there and quite frankly I should have known better. I believe that it killed my father literally. He never told us how advanced my mother was and he died in his sleep one night. I agree with what freqflyer said, let them expierence it and they will see the light. I agreed to be the one out of five siblings to live with my mother when my father died. I worked fulltime , she went to adult daycare and I also had a teenager. It nearly killed me and like I said it snuck up on me one day, just the weekends alone would have killed me. All my siblings were not helping and actually suggested I check with them prior and if their schedule permits they might be able to help for a few hours some weekends. One proceeded to tell me help will come but its not going to be immediate. I told him I AM IN THE NOW A-- H---!!! He drove down and him and his wife stayed for one week. My mother was in true form that week. Sundowning, sneeking into the pantry in the middle of the night eating stuff she couldn't handle and then came the brought on CDiff episode in the daycare van on the way home which when she arrived home she was a mess, my sisternlaw called the paramedics and after the paramedics came the daycare van backed into our caregivers car... Welcome to my life I told them.. Complete stressful chaos... Needless to say they agreed she needed skilled nursing and now she is doing great in a memory center. It was a long hard road but finally she is settled and doing good and that makes me happy.. I see her twice a week and its good. Sadly family sometimes chooses to detach, my mother has frontal lobe dementia and she hasn't forgotten me yet, and even if she did I would still not detach. Everyone is different.. PLEASE get some help and take care of yourself. You sound like a very giving person and you are going to have to put your foot down as hard as it is.. Things will get better then.. Good luck and best wishes..
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Oh, Lord, I am so sorry and understand your suffering. Your MIL is really young and you are in so much physical pain yourself. I get crying in the BR. It's easy for others to say take care of yourself first, but it's the truth because I'm going though a comparable situation in that sense. I see how many people have responded to you in the last 6 hours and really do care and have a deep understanding of your horrible situation. Please call ALZconnected, they are there 24/7 and can really help you with resources. 800-272-3900, they are great. Wishing you some peace of heart and mind.
Paula
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What if you go to bed? Say you have the stomach flu. Let your husband figure out what to do about mom.
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I agree with the others. I am a mother of three and that is a very demanding job and the older they get the more they need you it seems. Save your strength and health for your children. Its demanding enough and they need you! Your not a bad person for saving yourself and your nerves, if he doesnt understand then he is the one at fault not you. Its called being taken for granted and you have to set boundaries as to how you want him to treat you. He may not see to the extent this is killing you. I dont know. I took care of my husbands aunt for over a year, and one day i had had enough. She went to church i got 400 out of the bank, rented a hotel in town. Packed her whole room and moved it into hotel, when she came home from church i met her in the driveway and told her to follow me. I told her was sorry but she needed to call her cousin where she lived in another state and tell her she was coming. I left, called my husband who was out of town and on his way home, and explained what i had to do. And told him if he didnt like it he was welcome to go to! Believe me this was not me, i am a people pleaser, but enough if enough! I felt bad, cried ect.. but n the end he thanked me because he didnt have the heart to do it himself. I know ur sktuation is much worse, and shes unable to get around. But nonetheless, your choosing to do this or not. God love u you are so kind and loving, but poo ut your foot down
You never know he may end up respecting you more for it. Good luck
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Sweet heart, you and your kids come first. It really can't be much of a marriage if he expects you to do this full time. One day off a week is not respite. It's one day less than what every other paid employee in this country gets. NH workers work 8 hour shifts and get weekends off. What you are doing is called indentured servitude. If you don't leave today (which I encourage you to do), on Sunday when fiancee comes, pack up your kids and move into a hotel. Preferably one with a pool. Use hubby's credit card. Tell him you'll come back when his mom is gone. Make yourself an appointment with your doctor for the back pain, and get a referral for a marriage counselor and a therapist for yourself while you're at it. This may sound harsh, but it's what you have to do if you explain it in simple words (I'm not doing this anymore; please figure out how to get your mom cared for. I'm not her caregiver anymore) and he doesn't get it in one second.
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My Mom is 80 with Alzheimer's and I'm almost 54. I'd never ask family to care for me. Course my "family" is an a physically & emotionally abusive jerk. I would feel that I was taking over their lives. Taking care of my Mom for 2-1/2 years is killing me. What really bothers me is you are not the first woman I've seen who cares for her MIL. She is HIS Mom, not yours. Our housekeeper cares for MIL, husband & daughter. But no one cares about what it is doing to HER. My brother (a selfish narcissist) walked away. He lived here for a year and treated us like his maids, and hasn't seen her this year at all. But the minute she passes, he will have his hand out for any money. Personally, I can't do this anymore. Though I suffer from chronic migraines, I want a life! If anyone should care for your MIL, it's her kids, fiancée and hired caregivers. You have your own family and kids. You deserve to be there and raise them and enjoy it. Paula is right, Alzheimer's Association is the best. I talked to them today. They always have ideas, solutions and referrals. I hope you can extricate yourself from this situation ASAP. She's 52, she still has time to improve her situation. Maybe she Is also depressed. You may want to tell her doctor that. I tell my Mom's doctor everything, so I can get some support and he will talk to her. She refuses to follow directions too. I'm sorry this is so long, but you don't deserve to have to give up your life, time with your family to assist someone who won't help herself. You may need to use some "tough love" with her.
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