Is it just me? My mother had a life threatening illness over two years ago which required hospitalization and she is doing great now. Both her primary physician and cardiologist credit my diligent home care with her great recovery. However, with her many conditions, high blood pressure, heart related problems, etc., any letting up on her diet, medications and care so forth, can result in her getting sick again. Her relatives keep inviting her (without consulting with me first) for day trips and recently for a trip which requires a 10 hour drive one way, staying there for a few days and visiting with alot of relatives that she hasn't seen in quite awhile. I don't feel in anyway that this is appropriate. First of all, no one else is involved in her care and I know her limits, diet and so forth. She would never think of saying she was tired or hungry because she wouldn't want to impose on anyone. I have been told I am keeping her from people who want to spend time with her and trying to totally control who she is with. I feel because I am her caregiver, out of respect, I need to be asked if it would be alright for her to go. People seem to have the mindset that she is an adult and should be able to make her own decisions. If she was able, I wouldn't be her caregiver. She needs daily weigh in because of her heart condition as well as her daily medication and a heart friendly diet. When I started to take care of my mom, I never thought I would have to deal with people asking to take her places. I don't understand it, that's why I am asking, "Is it just me".
Sorry.
I certainly don't accuse you of bad intentions. I am positive you have only your mother's best interests in mind. But I think you are not taking a broad enough view of her best interests. What is the point of having good health if you can't enjoy it with people who love you and want to spend a little time with you?
My husband (85, LBD, CHF, diabetes) needs a daily weigh-in for congestive heart failure. What happens when we go on little jaunts for a few days at a time? He misses the weigh-ins. I know the signs to watch for, and in any case congestive heart failure symptoms are not going to come on and be debilitating in a few days. Your mother can take her medications anywhere. I assume anyone who cares for her enough to ask her on an outing will be willing to give her her meds at the appropriate time. Your home isn't the only place she can eat a heart-healthy diet. And do you know what? Two days of eating "wrong" will not cause her a heart attack. Really. Ask her cardiologist.
It has been two years since her life-threatening illness. You have done a magnificent job in nursing her back to health. Now let her enjoy the results of her recovery. If you are not comfortable, ask her PCP and the cardiologist whether she really needs to stay home the rest of her life.
I suppose it is natural to be over protective of a loved one who has had a serious illness. But really, as one who has 2 life-threatening illnesses myself, I can tell you that once you survive those illnesses you really need to get on with your life.
I don't think this is really about communication or who consults whom. It's about control. Your type of caregiving demands it so much it seems as if Mom couldn't live without you. Every little detail has to start and end with you.
It's okay to take a break from each other every now and then; if only to re-discover the joys of living again.
Good luck my love.
-- Ed
Maybe because they have not seen her in a while, they don't know that much or anything about her health? Do they just show up at your house and take her? I would assume they let you or your mom know when they are coming to get her? Have you given them a written description about the diet she needs to be on and the medicines she needs to take and when? What kind of shape is your mother in when she returns from these trips? It sounds like these relatives are trying to help you out, plus evidently your mother wants to see them before she dies, but you resent them because then you are not in complete control like a controlling parent. How about go and visit some of these relatives when your mom goes as well?
They have elderly parents with health issues. What makes you think they aren't capable or willing to understand your mother's limitations if you explain them carefully? Could they make the trip with frequent stops for everyone to stretch their legs?
It sounds like Mom is not accepting her limitations gracefully. Conspire with the relatives to limit the time she spends on her feet without making her feel useless.
In other words, I think there are ways around the obstacles, if Mom really wants to make these visits. And what about the one-day outings you mentioned? Surely those should be manageable.
For so many of us who long for a loving relative or close friend to spend time with the Loved One we are caring for, an offer of an outing sounds heaven-sent. It is really hard to see why you are so offended by the whole idea.
Anyway, naheaton, I think your advice would work like a charm. The important thing is to get Mom out and about, among loving relatives for suitable outings.
I think it would do us both good, but you know best. after all you are the one thats with her all the time.
You're probably regretting having asked the question in the first place. Don't feel so bad. We're only telling you what you need to hear.
Love is blind; and often blinding. Sometimes we don't see the the real impact of our love and devotion for our parents; or don't want to see it. Especially if it's all true. Common sense can be very uncommon when people run on fumes. It's a lot easier, then, to deny than to admit any wrongdoing.
Caregivers go through a rollercoaster of emotions, so we often go through the motions as if watching a movie or having an out of body experience. How could this be happening to us? Well, it is. Doesn't matter where it came from. What matters is that it's here and we have to deal with it to the best of our ability with what we have and don't have. Face the music, hang on to our underwear, and pray things get better. Or delude ourselves into believing they are when the only thing left is the memory of the hope we once had. Good luck my friend.
-- Ed
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