So we've been struggling to keep 91 MIL (dementia) at home but that is coming to an end. SIL has agreed to take in MIL, but since she will lose income due to her house being a BNB, she wants her SS income. We were under the impression that she would need a caregiver agreement and she would need to claim that on her taxes in case MIL needs long term care someday and runs out of money (won't take long) she will need to apply for Medicaid and they will look back on her finances for the last 5 years. We wanted to set up another appointment with our lawyer who helped with POAs. SIL doesn't want to meet lawyer, SIL says she can spend the money freely on her mother with no questions asked of her by the government. I don't think that is true. She also wants exclusive POAs (she is secondary currently, wants husband off) and access to the checking account. We were thinking we would retain the current POA and after drafting a care agreement, disburse whatever funds are specified to SIL directly. I smell a rat. She has had very little with her care the last couple of years that we have been doing everything, and calls her for 5 minutes maybe once a week, she visits once every 2 or 3 months for an hour tops. She lives about 1.5 hours away and that is going to be difficult for us as well as I believe MIL has become dependent on our familiar faces, we will miss her terribly but I suppose that is beside the point. What do you all think about SIL's intentions and plans for MIL's income?
Get yourselves to an attorney.
Since you are seeing red flags now, please consider allowing SIL to take mom in on a trial basis - maybe 2 weeks. Visit frequently to see how mom is doing. If you have any qualms, please bring her back home.
Please consider alternative options. You might also consider placing your mom into an adult day program - weekdays during usual business hours in a nursing home of personal care home. You might also be able to secure a home health aide for a shift or 2 - at least 4 hours per shift - so you have time off on the weekends. If mom has reached the point of keeping everybody up at night (sorry, it happens), then she might be best served in a residential facility that will take her social security, Medicare, and/or Medicaid as payment.
Find an elder law attorney who does a free consultation for new clients, the certified elder law attorney I work for does this. They can go into much more detail about why you must have a caregiver contract.
Also, talk to the elder law attorney about why you should have a secondary agent on the POA for MIL safe. You have a secondary for the protection of your MIL.
Now I just hope DH follows through with some facility tours, his head has been firmly in the sand for a while now.
Unless she is one of the lucky ones who dies peacefully in her sleep she will need increasing levels of care (as you well know) and she may need a memory care or nursing home at some point. Explain to SIL that the care contract is really for her own protection because without it your MIL will have nowhere to go when that time comes, SIL will either have to take on her care or pay back the money. I wouldn't allow her to be sole POA either, she could be primary with your husband as secondary or you can word the document as "jointly and severally" (either or) - but if MIL is far enough along in her dementia creating a new document may not be possible at all and the point is moot.
DH has decided he will place her close to us and let his sister down easy. That might be exactly what she's after anyways.
good AL or care home !!!
this is exactly situation we would not want for ourselves ..!!! siblings fighting over $$, POA ‘s, and whose responsible for care.
we wouldn’t want feel like a huge burden. Hands off her money … use it all for her care … sell her house whatever to make her comfortable and independent! She’ll enjoy being cared for , help when she needs it, activities good meals and lots of people around !!
much better than being isolated in someone’s house with resentful bickering kids around…. And don’t expect any $$ left over !!!
So, Bluebell, don't give in to your SiL's demands!
I agree what SIL is suggesting sounds fishy. First thing I thought was she will take over and you will be cut off.
The house (we are in a neighbor state as yours with low house values - so less than 100K) has been in the children's names for over 30 years, and we offered to sell that if she needed an infusion of cash, but also cautioned that capital gains taxes will cut into that quite a bit, depending on her other income.
They are already in quite a bit of back tax trouble so I'm not very confident in their financial literacy. Bottom line is DH was somewhat relieved when sister offered to take her in, but has been blindsided by her other requests. We have stayed close to MIL despite other opportunities and desires to move out of this god forsaken state and have taken care of most of her needs since her husband died over 25 years ago, including a bout of rectal cancer when she was 70 and we had small children. So while we would love a break from this, we also don't want it to ruin our chances for moving and retiring from the corporate world in a few years to pursue other things, and to help our adult children who seem to be flailing in this pandemic.
And for the record, I don't want her to live with us. We have an 'adult' child still living with us, work and I have an elderly father we visit often without notice due to crisis of the day. I also have significant health issues. My husband has to drive me due to vision loss so it would just be a nightmare. Let's not even mention the relationship is quite strained already due to MIL's stubbornness and lack of planning for her care throughout the last 2 decades.
Thank you for responding!
The basic rule of government assistance (like Medicaid) is if you don't want the government to nose into your finances, don't ask for their help. They do have the right to look at how the assets were spent and they WILL ask. Should you allow SIL to do as she pleases now, one of you is going to end up trying to pay for the nursing home until penalty completed or the patient is going to need a place to live when the level of care becomes much harder than it is now.
Sounds sketchy to me on one hand, but on the other - have you complained about needing her help and now she has stepped up to the plate to oblige? If she takes mom to the BnB, mom's money can be paid directly to caregivers to help out when guests are present. No loss of income for the business and she would have receipts to show mom's medical needs paid for. Caregivers w/an agency not a big paperwork problem, but private care will definitely need employer/employee type contract, especially for the 5 years prior to needing Medicaid - meaning payroll gets reported to irs appropriately.