I'm a sibling who's offered to provide caregiver relief for a sibling who's been taking care of our parent with dementia. Time and again my offers have been rejected. I cared for my parent for two years when she was first diagnosed. By the time her mood stabilized, I developed a medical emergency and so I called my sibling and asked for help.
She's been caring for our parent for 4 years and in that time used our parent's pension, set aside for our parent's care, to cover school expenses for one of her children. I believe what she did was wrong, since this was not in our parent's best interest, but I have no control over that since my sibling is POA.
I've offered to bring our parent to back to my home in another state numerous times, and each time I've been refused. Most recently this sibling asked me to arrange for our parent to receive specific medical care in my state. She said she wanted her to stay with me. I made appointments, sent her all the information and was expecting to go and get my parent, when another sibling phoned and said, my sibling felt I was "trying to take over."
I am deeply concerned about this and have no idea what to do. Any advice, recommendations would be helpful.
My mom selected my sibling as POA because my father died without a Will, the consequences of which severely limited what my surviving parent could and could not do with my father's retirement income. She was already showing signs of dementia when she was visiting my sibling one summer helping her care for her children. My sibling took her to a lawyer, never informing her other siblings that she'd had my parent make a Will. My parent selected my sibling as POA because she happened to be with my sibling when she made her Will. How do I know, because my parent told me so. If she'd been in my state or my other sibling's state when she decided to do her Will, she would've done the same thing, naming any of her children present, to be her POA. The difference is I and my other sibling would've made sure this sibling was added to the POA to create checks and balances.
No matter, as a result, my parent's pension, which she told us time and again was to be used for her care, was used for everything but her care. This is a breach of trust, but this is something my sibling has to deal with. It also affects my parent since my parent's care has been minimized due to my sibling's behavior.
I have no intention of legally going after my sibling for using my parent's money in the way she did. I've offered to help and have been refused. Perhaps letting this parent go, means facing things she neither wants to admit, nor live with. I do not know.
It seems there is a mindset out there that primary caregivers, or the person who's spent the most time caring for any given parent should be appeased when they act against their parent's best interest and when they breach their parent's trust. I cared for our other parent from the day of diagnosis until the day my parent died, and played a major role, for over 10 years, caring for a grandparent who suffered a major stroke. I didn't exact a price and I never rejected help. I always believed that families should work as teams in these situations. This sibling was barely around when others in our family were ill; and I only point this out because you raised the issue of time with respect to how long this sibling has been caring for this family member.
If you believe misusing a parent's pension, in full knowledge that it was set aside for long-term care needs, is something to minimize, then you are only encouraging other emotionally compromised, primary caregivers with POA to do the same. There is another side to the sibling-caregiver story that's often overlooked and that's the story of caregivers who don't know how to let go because of they are emotionally compromised by their own decisions.
There are many untold stories of siblings who offer help, but are refused, and those stories need to be told because it happens, a lot. I know I'm not Atlas. I know when I can't carry the world on my shoulders. I have no problem asking for help. My sibling has a problem accepting help, and this too, like the misuse of our parent's pension, is not in the best interest of our parent.
I'm sorry this happened to you and sorry when it happens to others. There is always someone that steps up or "takes over" --- but in her defense, she did take over caregiver responsibilities for several years. Granted, she may have misused funds, if she did and you have proof, you can legally challenge -- but you will have to have proof. If you want, you can ask her or have an attorney (maybe even the one who drew up the will) to provide a regular/annual accounting of funds used for your parent's care.
The ball is in your court. You either have to get advice from an elder law attorney (they may give you an initial free phone consultation) or you will have to let this go and visit your parent or offer to take your mom for a period for respite care from your sibling. She might be open to that. Keep in mind, it isn't always easy to move mom or transfer care especially with Dementia because any change in place, routine, etc. is disruptive and traumatic for the elder. This might be the reason your sibling is resisting.
Would you consider staying with your mom at her sib's house while she takes a vacation? is there enough trust to do that?
Good luck.
I told my husband, who's DM is having health issues, to work with his sibling now, so, no matter what, they will not only understand what they must do to care for her, but will also evaluate, in advance each of their strengths and weaknesses. In this way, they can share caring for her know in advance who will do what; and how finances will be handled for care.
My siblings and I never had that discussion pior to my mom doing her Will and assigning POA to my sibling. If we had discussed these very important matters, things might have been very different today.
Families are flawed at best. And at these times we are called upon to show our character. Your sister is showing hers and my brother is/will show his. There isn't much we can do is there?
I don't understand withholding financial information from siblings. Circumstances have to be extraordinary to have to make this choice. Most often, circumstances do not call for such drastic measures. This is part of the problem. While there is no obligation to provide this information, what is wrong getting siblings together and discussing these kinds of realities? Unless parents are very wealthy, siblings may well have to provide financial assistance for care over time, particularly if your parent's pension payment amounts to a penny more than Medicaid allows. And If a sibling POA, won't disclose any information, even though other siblings are called upon to provide supplemental financial assistance, there are bound to be disagreements and very reasonable questions raised by those who've had no access to information.
Quite often concerned siblings are portrayed as people driven by bitterness and greed. Are there siblings out there who fit that bill? Yes. But in many situations, siblings who want to help and who have reasonable concerns are kept at bay by sibling POAs, not at the request of a parent, but based on decisions they made that might be questioned, and I'm not talking about penny by penny disclosure, I'm talking about big ticket transactions. If those transactions are care-related, disclose it; if not, clear the air. It's got to be done if a workable plan, requiring supplemental financial contributions from other siblings, is needed to provide a stable, quality level of care for parents over time.
But by law, and the choice of some siblings POAs, other siblings will not be made privy to financial information, nor will other siblings have any say in where our parent lives, what medical care our parent receives, or just about anything else.
Yes, macada, we can still speak up, in a manner that is not adversarial. In my family, this approach doesn't work either. I mentioned my mom being left alone all day, and that, at her age, 94, with no short term memory, she should not be left alone. I was quickly accused by my sibling of trying to say she was doing something wrong. So, to palmtrees point about feeling as though there isn't much we can do, I understand this point very well. If you try to help, you're accused of being nosy and critical. If you take a step back, you're criticized for not being involved.
I'm on my own, unless I involve other relatives -- family members we've never had an open relationship with. It would be very awkward involving them in a situation they have no knowledge of.
Yes, I have a great deal of thinking to do in the short and long term. But sooner rather than later, I will have to act -- try to speak up for someone who can not speak for herself -- my mother, although it was her decision to give my sibling POA. She was never one to think everything through, to consider the possibility that one day, she'd really be in a position where she could not make certain decisions, or change her mind about any decisions she'd made. I'm sure she meant well and thought we'd all work together without incident. If only that were true.
I will do the best I can and let all of you know what direction I take. Wish me luck. Say a prayer for me and for my family. I will do the same for all of you.
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