What do you do when the family is in disagreement about the care of an elderly loved one?

I can sympathize with you. Had to move my mom into a nursing home last month after taking care of her for five years and mom and my sister are not speaking to each other, and no invitation from my sister to have mom over for Thanksgiving or Christmas. When I do go visit her at the nursing home all I get are guilt trips and trying to get me to let her out of the nursing home and try to get me to take sides. Maybe what would help would be to get out and do some volunteering, get more involved with church activities. I haven't had much of a social life for the past five years and pick up some of the hobbies that I have let go.

I have observed older members of my family (all women) who have cared for their aging parents. There are always a multitude of "voices" telling you what not to do, not to put your parent in a "home," etc. My response to them is, "sounds good, why don't you come and get Mom and let her stay with you for a few months." Really!! where do people get off telling you what to do when you are the only person who will take on the responsibility?

The saddest thing about caregiving (and is still a shock to me) is that people "scatter." Friends cannot handle news of the "daily grind" and relatives pick fights so they can have an excuse to stay away. It does, however, reveal a person's "true colors."

It seems that on every holiday Mom has a medical emergency. Last Thanksgiving Mom was in the hospital...I had dinner at Boston Market! Her timing is impeccable.

Imw: I agree...I keep promising myself to get more involved in something other than caregiving...just to recharge myself. Some days I do not recognize myself...I have become so sad and boring :o(

Here's one suggestion...and don't laugh... I take a little advice from the movie "Pollyanna"...where she talks about the "happy game." Everyday I try to think of one small thing that I am looking forward to. It may be taking time to read some silly magazine, calling a friend, or making a new dish...whatever...some days it is all that I've got.
take care
lilli

I always try to stay busy with something, if I am not up doing something then I start to feel sorry for myself and get all tied up in knots. I have lots to keep me busy here at my sister's, still have boxes to go through and upack and my sister isn't a very good housekeeper, so I try to at least try to keep the kitchen clean and help with her laundry.

I lost both parents within 9 months of each other right after Christmas. i have one brother and we always promised that we would be close when we lost them. Haha He has everything from their home and although I have half ownership in their house, his daughter my niece lives there. I call and email and he always has excuses why we cant connect. We are all we have for family and I now refuse to beg him to be my brother. Sad and Im sure Mom and Dad are hurting watching this play out. So family dynamics can be wonderful and so painful too. Good Luck and Happy Holidays from all of us!!! HUGS

Lilli, you seem far from boring to me! I immensely enjoy your posts. Carolsmom, wish you could come to Michigan and join our loving church "family" for Thanksgiving. Seriously!!! And anyone else who just needs a place and wants to feel loved... Heidi, would love to adopt you, because I understand and am "out" a sibling, too. Imw124, hopefully your sister appreciates you. Bless you ladies! Thanks for being here.

secretsister,
thank you for the encouraging words, as i found out last wed. my 30 year old son that is a captain in the army stationed near syracuse has cancer and started chemo last thursday. he was to go back to iraq in dec. for his second tour. i usually travel from texas where i live to new york every 4 months to visit with him , his wife and 3 small little boys. this has really set me back as i had planned on moving to dallas and going back to work. now i am just shattered. i am trying to take one minute at a time, pray, breath, and pray. i know that god has a plan, i am just not sure what it is for me. i do not think i can go to work and even be any kind of employee right now. i guess in caring for my mother, and my disabled brother for the last 3 years has taken a toll on me. i usually wear jeans everyday, as i live on a farm. i got dressed monday to go to dallas, and honestly my slacks were so big i had to get safety pins to keep them up. i have never been so down in my life. i have isolated myself from people for so long that i have feel like i can not even carry on a conversation. i am single and did date, but now, i dont even what to think about going anywhere. and that is just not like me, last year, i went to new york 4 times, cabo, canada, florida, deep sea fishing and now, there is nothing that seems to even make me smile. talk about burn out. i dont mean to sound negative. and yes i am going to get the wind back in my sails. i have to get better and be ready when my son and his family needs me. they have a great support system with the army that i am so thankful for. but as far as my mom, and brother, my two girls that were telling me what to do. the 24 year old, has done almost nothing to help my mom since i left, the 34 year old daughter is an RN , works, has 2 small children and trying to get pregnant and i know she has a heavy load, but they threw me out of the picture and insisted that they could handle, and i have to just step aside and let them do this. guilt has almost consumed me. i lay awake at night thinking, what could i have done to make it better for my mom, and i think the one thing is that i wanted my mom, to not be depressed, get out of that bed and just try, and she would not. i wanted it, and tried to push her and she in return hates me. my brother is an alcoholic and into drugs, i thought, yes now that he is home, can not leave i can control his drinking, guess what, he was smarter than me, he traded the groceries i bought twice a week for alcohol and drugs. so it goes girls, we will make it by the grace of god. for all of you please read psalm 121. take care. carol

Dear Carolsmom, I will read Psalm 121, and will be praying for you. Thank you for the hug on my wall. I'll be contacting you later.

Thanksgiving is fast approaching. I have resolved that my abusive mother, and two dads in a nursing home will not tear the joy out of my life. I have been blessed by wonderful friends, this site, and a loving church family. I have a good steady, helpful, husband and wonderful little boy. Gettingwiser gave me some good thoughts for changing things with my Caregiving.

I am grateful for the article Carol wrote called: "Caring for Parents Who Didn't Care for You," and for the post by Gettingwiser. It would do all of us well to read that post, especially during this holiday season, as they are usually the toughest. Along with that, try to "Count Your Blessings." For all our struggles, and all the troubles we face, there are still blessings in the midst. And we can still be a blessing to others. By the grace of God, we can do amazing things...

Dear Carolsmom: talk about "straws that break the camel's back." You have had a whole "bail" recently. So very sorry to hear about your son - my prayers go out to you and your entire family (and a special "coping" prayer for just for you.)

I know what you mean about "isolation." Being a caregiver (and you are a SUPER caregiver) is naturally isolating. I try to put a spin on it, in my own head, by thinking, "well, this is a talent that I possess and others may not." Basically, no one wants to think about caring for an ill person or getting older themselves so they all "run for the hills." That leaves the caregiver sitting an a little island - alone.

I had a close friend of 30 years who was my support system and I hers. Suddenly, she just disappeared from the picture. So I am coping with the loss of a friend whom I considered the sister that I never had, working fulltime, and caring for Mom. Do any of these things sound like fun? And I agree, I used to be a life-of-the-party type person...now, I am happy to have a few moments of stress-free time in my day. Some days I wonder if I am blowing things out of proportion - I am never sure because I am in this constant fog. I used to find comfort in "planning ahead" because if I had a plan then I felt more in control. But helping with a senior has no rhyme or reason to it. My great plans often go out the window.

I find this forum so very comforting. It is such a safe place to vent, share, and offer advice and kind words. It saves my sanity many days.

Hugs to you...
Lilli

I so understand the fog, second guessing, and isolation. Guess that's where we need to rely on someone greater than ourselves, by faith, and trust in God. Not easy. When our own needs become absorbed into the life of Cargiving for another, it stretches us to limits beyond imagination, at times. Nothing prepared us for this sometimes thankless job. But it does have its rewards. We may not see the benefits, while standing in the forest, but someday, perspective may change the view. Count your blessings, if only seemingly tiny and sparse. (This site, and the encouragement and prayers of others included.)

We can't always rely on family or friends to help us in time of need, but there is one who sticketh closer than a brother. We walk by faith, not by sight. Every once in a while, the light seeps through, though it is always there, somewhere, just beyond the clouds of confusion, doubt, and fear. Bless you dear Caregivers! You are not alone, despite feelings to the contrary, for God is over all, and we can safely trust in him.

"I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time."-Anna Freud

What is it about the holidays that makes us think that somehow the season will elicit harmony in our families?

I have good childhood memories of our extended family getting together to eat ourselves to death. But, without fail, someone always ended up getting their feelings hurt, having a squabble, or ruining the day for everyone. Relatives are the people you get...your friends are the ones you choose. It is unrealisitic to think everyone will be on their best behavior just because 'tis the season.

Nevertheless, I LOVE the holidays and I refuse to let them be spoiled by any bahhumbuggers. The day after Thanksgiving I drag out all my Christmas and holiday CDs and play them all day while I work. I watch all the holiday movies on TV (have you seen "The Family Stone?") It's one of my new favorites.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all...I will keep everyone here in my thoughts and prayers.

(Going to "sacrifice" another turkey this year...still can't get it right...comes out all dry...this year I was told to use bacon grease on a piece of brown paper then "tent" it over the turkey...sounds silly, but I am desperate!)

Lilliput, dry or moist, as long as love is there, and with your attitude of gratitude, I'll guess your Thanksgiving will be wonderful. Bless you and yours!

I have determined to count my blessings, as well. We are looking forward to a glorious time of fellowship with loving friends! :) Oh, the joy of anticipation for sweet communing with friends...and to share with one another all that we have to be thankful for.

Hi Carolsmom! Caregiving is very challenging, to say the very least. If you have POA-for your loved one...Just do what you think is best, and if other do not like it, than you can perhaps ask what they would do. From my understanding, the person with POA for health issues is the one who has been appointed to make health decisions. Go with your gut feelings, and it will lead you on the straight and narrow. Should you ever be in doubt, you can always question a physician. Good luck!

When Mom needed a place to live years ago, I took her in. A single parent back then, her presence helped me and my sons fill the void left by the passing of my wife. None of my 13 sisters wanted to care for her, and essentially passed the buck to me. I never asked why. Shortly thereafter, however, I'd get telephone messages from them full of caregiving tips from women whose idea of a kid's breakfast is a fifty cent soda and a bag of chips. From "Mom called me crying and said blah, blah, blah" to "You should do this and do that." When I asked Mom about it, she'd accuse my sisters of of taking things out of context and being a bunch of bochincheras (gossips) who can't help stir the pot everywhere they go.

One day, to her surprise and dismay, I invited all 13 of them to go over all the disagreement about the so-called horrible way I was treating our mother. From making her own bed and washing her own laundry to fixing whatever she wanted to eat and watching those sappy Puerto Rican novelas on TV laden with damsels in distress hoping for a hunk on a white horse to come and rescue them from their overprivileged yet boring existence. And just like them, my mother pretended to be the long-suffering victim just to get some attention; even at the risk of watching the family unravel.

For two hours, I moderated the conversation. Then I became the target as Mom, clearly afraid of my sisters' wrath, tearfully called me a slave driver and treating her like a child. All of a sudden I was the evil one. But as a psychologist in training, I flipped the script on them by asking (by a show of hands) how many were willing to take her in. You could hear a pin drop. Mom asked "Are you throwing me out? ... I have no place to go." I said "Since you all care so much about her well-being, how about taking turns a week here and a week there and cater to her every whim?" To Ivette's "But she's so happy here" I responded "Then why are we all having this back and forth about what's best for her? The door is right there and she can move out whenever she feels like it. ... Mom? Don't forget to leave the keys."

The next morning I was awakened by the smell of fresh-brewed Bustelo coffee, the house was immaculate, there were no messages in my voice-mail, the boys were watching Sonic the Hedgehog, and Mom had left a message on the kitchen table. It read "At church across the street, then to Western Beef on 174th. Back in a couple of hours. Love, Mom."

Carol's Mom:

I'm sorry dear, but I talked so much about me in the previous comment that I went west with the question. Here's my answer:

The Holidays are the time of the year when my family is most toxic to me. They scream, fight, DRINK, and let it all hang out. Sometimes literally. So take the time to recharge, take care of yourself for a change, and expand your support network. Yes, deep inside people like us believe the Holidays are to be spent with the family; with "forgiveness" for those we can't stand and the expected New Year's resolutions coming out your tailpipe.

To those accusing you of being "selfish," do a Diana Ross: "And if living for myself is what I'm guilty of go on and sentence me, I'll still be free. It's my turn, to see what I can see, I hope you'll understand, this time's just for me. ..." So forget the turkey comas, go paint the town, and bring your cheer to others less fortunate. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Love to listen to positive messages about coping with the holidays. Thanksgiving should be a time for counting our blessings, right? I plan to do so...with loving f r i e n d s. Family can remain drama enthusiastes, as long as they don't include me, LOL. We need to be grateful for the blessings we have, and make precious memories while we can. If your family is a strain, who says you have to remain miserable? Let's do something wonderful, and leave the bad stuff behind us, if possible. At least, that's my resolution. Hope your holiday is blessed beyond measure! :) And if you need a friend, there's always someone here to chat.

Lilli, you have hit on something important. I think it helps most of us if we think of something we can be grateful for. Some people actually make columns on paper - good and not good - and realize the rotten as some things are, there still are things to be grateful for. You are a smart lady.
Carol

When my father died, my mother moved in with my husband and me. There were no other family members (three brothers and one sister) who offered to caretake. I have hopes that they will step in when we need to take a vacation.

One year later and I have no regrets about caretaking. Others have scrutinezed how I am caring for mother. I make my decisions from a love for my mother and her well being rather than how my siblings will judge me.

I suspect that when all is said and done (mother dying) that I will have lost some connections with my siblings. But there is one connection that I haven't lost, living with my conscience and liking what I see. Also prayer plays an important part of my life....

Dear 1913, thank you for that post. You speak truth, and have a very realistic picture of Caregiving life. What a gem you are! You mother is fortunate to have you; and so are your other family members. Financially, does your mom qualify for assistance when going to the home. She'll probably miss her hootch the most, and perhaps her independence. The rest can visit her there. Enjoy those moments just for you. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving! :) So glad you're around these boards.

Try not to think of the holidays as the Norman Rockwell image of what it should be. That is like comparing yourself to a famous model after Photoshop. Remember, the whole commercialization of holidays is designed to benefit retailers. I try to focus on the blessings experienced throughout the year and make a point to show my heartfelt thanks to those kind souls who helped make those moments so memorable. It could have been a kind and gentle therapist, it could be the neighbor who brings the trash cans back in fir you etc. Many family members disappoint, and can hurt you with thoughtless words around this time of year. Focus on who is deserving and you will soon realize that you have friends who are kind and good hearted. Sometimes it is just a matter of noticing them and cultivating them.

Hi Rose, with a beautiful name, and tender spirit. I understand your frustration. Be thankful, though, that your mom is in your care, and not out on her own, battling the system. She sure is blessed to have you. I will not complain about what my government does or does not give my parents in terms of help. Beggars can't be choosers, and they blew their life's savings on pleasure, not planning for old age. Still, the facility both dads are is is par excellence bar none! So, I'll not complain. As for government waste, won't even go there... I'm only responsible for what I do. Actions speak louder than words. And faith without works is dead. Bless you, dear Rose. You not only have my support, but my respect, as well. Thank God for good Caregivers!

I, too, live in Canada, 1913. A few months back my sisters and I decided my mom, at the age of 95, could no longer continue to live in her condo alone, even with all the help she was receiving, so we took her for an interview at the neighbourhood senior's lodge. She is now in the Lodge and working at adjusting.

HOWEVER, we are sure that, from all the hints she dropped for several years before, that she believed my single sister would look after her when the need arose. BUT this arrangement would ONLY have been good for my mother and not good at all for my sister (for many reasons) so we stood firm and placed Mom in the Lodge. Now I drive over one hundred miles one way every second week and spend two to three days visiting my mom and my single sister, who has two hundred miles to drive one way, does the same on the week I am not visiting. The third sister, who lives 600 miles away comes as often as she can. In the meantime, I look after my husband who has many health problems, my single sister deals with all her problems (which our parents ignored all their lives), and my far away married sister has plenty of family issues to cause her worry. None of us are getting any younger and we were all devoted kids to our parents and did whatever we could to make them happy for decades and decades, regardless of how hard this was to do some times. Right or wrong, my sisters and I have decided that Mom is as well off in the Lodge as she would be in any of our homes. With our constant visits we know how well she is being cared for and how she is doing. This is all I will ever ask of my kids when it is MY time to go to a Lodge.

I don't know, carolsmom, what the disagreement with the rest of your family is all about. My mom has a personal directive that names all three of us sisters as her personal care directors. Because we three have worked together all our lives in doing things for our parents, I guess it is easier for us than some now, to continue to do this. If there is a difference of opinion even after a discussion, two out of three agreeing is what determines the decision. I am Mom's POA for money matters but of course I discuss big decisions with my sisters and then decide what to do based on our discussions.

Any of us COULD have given up our own lives to take Mom into our homes but each sister knew each other and Mom well enough to know that that was not the best decision for EVERYONE. Having come to that conclusion we do our level best to continue to be with Mom as often as possible (we know we visit her much more than any other offspring visit their parents in the Lodge) and we support each other in dealing with some of the doubts that we have now and then. It is not easy to protect oneself, especially when one has been raised to put oneself last but I definitely would advise others not to take on the entire responsibility of caring for a parent. If you ARE the only one who cares, then get some outside advice as to what are your options.

Do you really believe you were put on Earth to give up your life, as many of you feel you are doing, to care for an aging parent? If so, then I would think you would feel good that you are fulfilling your purpose. If not, then do what you can to see that your parent is cared for in the best way possible but get on with your own life too. You are a unique individual - there is no one else in the whole world like you, there never has been, and there never will be again so do some soul-searching and become what you were put on this earth to become. This doesn't mean you become selfish - it means you will give to the world the uniqueness that is within you.

Since our American friends will be celebrating Thanksgiving soon, I would like to suggest that we be thankful for the uniqueness of each other, that we honour it, and that we love each other for it. May God, Allah, the Great Spirit Etc. bless us all with understanding so that we can all care for each other, regardless of age, or relationship to each other.

Sabotage. That's good terminology for what they do. Fighting against us, but very needy, too. So difficult! Yes, if we can provide cheap care, and the government be in control...using their (the elder's) money...isn't that their goal???

Cheers? As in "bottoms up?" Hmmmmmm. What's the difference between that, and "take a pill..."? Hmmmmmm.

Hi there carolsmom

Your question that started this whole discussion has kind of been lost in the shuffle. What's happening now? Are you still at odds with the rest of your family? And what are the points on which you disagree? Is there no hope of compromise?

I feel really bad for all of you. Thank God, I don't have brothers or sisters. It's a shame that siblings can't get along during such times. They should be there to lean on one another. Say your prayers. God can take care of any problem, large or small.

If I did not have plans for the holidays I was going to ask someone in my situation to come to my house for a simple meal in our township a dinner provides a meal for those who are alone on Thanksgiving free of charge. Sometimes it is better to be with friends than family on the holidays -holidays seem to bring out the worse in people and for those who have members who are troublesome you do not need them in your life,

We're going to have lunch with the dads at their nursing home, which will be low key, in a special room. Then we will go with friends for the afternoon, finishing the day up sweetly, this way. Both will be a blessing; the former to us, and the latter both ways. Got the pumpkin bread baked today, yum!

Don't know what my mom is planning; as yet, she hasn't made a reservation eat with her husband (my dad). As Guardian, is that my responsibility? We prefer to have "no drama," meaning, no mama. Will have to see how things work out...

Thank you, 1913. As it turned out, we had a peaceful time with the dads at their nursing home, as mom "had other plans." We ate like kings and queens, and were thoroughly pampered. The dads liked having us there, and it felt good to be there.

Now we have the opportunity to go be with friends, and share a special time with them. Unless we just stay home by the fire. My sister called (from 12 hours away) to wish us a happy Thanksgiving. (I meant to email her this morning, but wasn't sure how it would be received; family drama, you know.) But her call was a blessing, and her family is going to spend time with friends today, as well. She said mom hadn't called her, either. Wonder who mom is spending time with, if not with her own flesh and blood? None of us can make sense of her, and probably never will.

I had a wonderful time with my dad, and got some smiles and two hugs. He hugged his grandson as well, and seemed to enjoy our being there. What a blessing! FIL enjoyed us being there, too. And we them. Though not all is perfect, we do have some things (people) to be thankful for, and will mark it down as counting the good experiences as blessings.

If we think about it, God has blessed us all with food, shelter, friends, family (some are bigger blessings than others, lol), and fellow Caregivers. Praying all of you are blessed this Thanksgiving, as well, regardless of anything you have to face. Thank you all for being here, and for being an encouragement. I truly count you as blessings!

Secretsister, I'm so glad you had your thanksgiving with the dads. And even better than you have the choice to be with your friends or just relax by the fire. You are so blessed. I look upon many of the caregivers on this site as friends, and apparently I'm not the only one. Look at how many posts there have been today - a day when so many are busy with families and meal preparations, yet still find the time and love to support each other. I am so thankful that we have each other.