My mother and father-in-law are both in assisted living with severe Dementia. My husband’s sister is DPOA and does all financial and medical appts. We have decided to move out of state. She is bitter and mad about move. Both parents are on Hospice services, we all live in same town but now have decided to move 12 hours away because of our advancing age and our lease is ending. We do nothing in regards to their care but visit once per week in their room. There is also a history of abuse with my husband in his early years of life. His sister is nine years younger. Any suggestions. I am 64 and hubby is 72. His parents are 93 and 94.
On hospice means no doctor appointments, hospice orders medication and most supplies ( everything from hospital bed to depends and gloves). They send a shower aid, social worker, religious person as well as weekly assessments by a nurse. This is in addition to the care given at the facility. (My Mom, 95, blind and very hard of hearing, deep in her final battle with Alzheimer's, has lived in memory care for 3 years. She WAS on hospice for 2 years but just graduated off last month, now I am back to doing those things, but daily caregiving is done by the facility) for 15 months I was not even allowed inside, what was SIL doing in the way of caregiving during the shutdown? How did you visit weekly? On a tablet or thru a window? You can still do a virtual visit. If you are feeling bad about moving, ask what chore you could do to help, ie. Manage the monthly bills, communicate with the hospice nurse following the weekly visits? My siblings live far away, they split the cost of twice a month house cleaning for ME to support my role as primary caregiver. I told Mom long ago, it is a responsibility, but not a burden; that was her concern. Move when your lease is up, go enjoy your retirement, honor your Mother and Father, but do not give up your life for them, they would not want you to.
You have made a decision while sister may feel she is left alone to care for them (even though she has been doing that). It could be she has shouldered much of the burden alone and carried a grudge all along. Now the move has really driven it home for her. From her perspective, as the primary caregiver/handling most of the work person, she will never understand you moving away from elderly parents. Much in the same way that you don't understand why she is upset.
For whatever the reason, your husband does not feel the same closeness or need to be near parents. His sister does. You should both do what you can, from your new residence, to make her feel supported.
What more is there to think about? It's fairly simple.
I too am the primary caregiver of my mother who is in AL and was for my father until his death. Dad was also in AL until shortly before his death when he had to be transferred to SNF. I am both financial and medical POA. While times have been stressful from time to time. For the most part I pay the bills and make or medical decisions. My brother is in another state probably 10 hours away. Big deal and so what. If he needs to know something I call him.
She probably feels bad that she's the only one left and maybe she feels that now that ya'll won't be visiting once a week anymore that she'll have to fill that spot when she's doing everything already.
Maybe you should send her flowers and a card and let her know how much ya'll appreciate what she does.
Let her know that she can call anytime to talk.
Tell her ya'll can Face Time]
They are up in age
No one stepped up, so when I saw the need going unmet, I did, first with FIL, then MIL. Family’s assumption then became that I would always do it. My husband’s only sibling moved out of state while their mother was in AL with dementia. They offered to handle the finances, which was great because then we could just do the hands-on—visiting, doctor appointments, shopping, holidays, etc. (Even in AL, there is a lot of hands-on care-giving required.) It was great until we were contacted by her care facility that we were being turned over to adult protective services because her bills weren’t being paid and the pharmacy would no longer deliver her meds. I was furious and it was ALL dropped in our lap to work through. Meanwhile, BIL went on his way. Yes, no help at all—we did feel abandoned. No more “sharing the responsibilities” at all.
No one was local when my parents became unable to care for themselves, either, except one extremely mentally ill sister, so I felt like I had to step up again. My father passed away and left my completely dependent mother. But by then my husband had ALS and so she had to go into AL. After 3 heart-wrenching years, my husband passed, and shortly after, my mother ran completely out of money, and so now she is in my home. I would dearly love not to be responsible for her, but what do I do—make her a ward of the court? Send her into a Medicaid home (after 2-3 year wait-list clears) when she is still fairly cognizant)? Thankfully, my out of state sister has stepped up to offer respite care when I need it—she understands how difficult our 93 year old mother is. And she provides a “Medical Guardian” alarm service so my mother isn’t afraid when I check the mail or take a shower or sleep at night. (She seriously is scared to death to be alone at any moment.)
Bottom line here is that when people step up to meet a need, too often others are happy to relinquish their own responsibility, because the other “does it so well” or “they like to be in control” or some other nonsense that makes them feel like they’re off the hook. Have you and your husband talked with your SIL and asked what all the needs and responsibilities are and how you can share in them even if long distance? My sister’s help is what keeps me at this. Perhaps if you’re moving on with your own life, you can find a way to help your SIL have any semblance of a life of her own. Oh, and the abuse? Yeah, it’s rough caring for our abusers, but by our 60s & 70’s, how we respond is about us, no longer them. You can have a life and still do the right thing.
So she has the DPOA. That doesn't mean that she alone has to have all the responsibility of sick and elderly parents dumped in her lap alone. That really isn't fair or right.
If you and your husband are unwilling or unable to help her with any of it, then that's your choice. Don't accept any inheritance from your in-laws though if there will be any. Your SIL deserves it more than you or your husband.
I am actually enjoying getting reacquainted with my sisters after about 40 years of separation. Most of our activities tend to revolve around tending to Mom's social needs. She can't get around much anymore (96 YO), so we do what we can to cheer her up and have fun with each other as well. On the other hand, I will not do one thing for Mom or my sisters that I do not willingly and happily choose to do. I am 70 years old and retired. Each of us needs to take care of ourselves first, then choose what else we might want to do for someone else. If that makes someone else unhappy, they will just have to figure out how to make themselves happier.
If your sister is DPOA then unless your visits have positive effects on your "parents" don't be guilted into anything, look after your own lives. 12 hours is quite a long move away if your parents do benefit from your visits presumably you can move without going 12 hours away unless there is a reason for going to far. At 64 and 72 its time you started planning for your own old age and how you want that to go after you have had the positive years you can together.
It is not your sister choice to make whether you move or not. If you were moving for a job she probably would not say anything.
If you can visit once a month. If their will be an inheritance - offer to pay caregiver out of your anticipated part if there is any - so she wont feel taken advantage of.
Do they need a higher level of care, such as a nursing home?
You and hubby have absolutely no idea what his sister is dealing with. Sadly, you're both minimally involved. She is trying to manage their lives, finances, dealing with doctors, and phone calls when something goes wrong. She has no life of her own to walk off and enjoy. Her life is consumed with the caregiving of her parents. She will be greatly blessed for that.
Unless you have done it you have no idea what it is like. It is hell and his sister is living it. Surely, she needs some respite but she can't just get up and walk away. Seems her brother has no problem doing that and leaving his sister to handle it all.
I get it. There was abuse where your husband and his parents are concerned and he is resentful. I get it. However, they are his parents. Your husband is in his 70's now. How long is he going to hold on to that?
Time for him to let it go and help his sister deal with all of this. Believe me, she is living in hell, is exhausted, constantly worried about her parents, and probably depressed. What about her life? She doesn't have one right now caring for her parents, but her brother gets to get up and walk away.
I know everyone must live their life. But sometimes we must help bear each other's burdens. Especially when it comes to family.
Also, you and your husband are not that old. Maybe you could wait one more year. I would be feeling abandoned and frantic as well if I were her.
I imagine she is feeling abandoned by both of you in caring for parents. Yes, you visit and you see that "help" as not worth much. Your sister probably sees it as dumping another responsibility into her lap. She is not taking into account your needs. You have the right to live where you want and how you want. She may feel as if that option has been denied to her and resents it. Meeting with a counsellor can help to put the "feelings" and "facts" on the table and deal with the changes. The goal is to move ahead in your life from, a position of peace and understanding.
Advancing age, made me smile. (I am 71) You sound like you are ready for a NH. When my MIL turned 80 she told her SIL " Frances, who was 90, I am 80 years old!" Frances said "oh to be 80 again, I could do so much more". But I understand where ur coming from. Husband is retired and I assume you are or will be. You need to move where you can live on your SS. Need to do it now while you can. There is no reason to stay where you are. Maybe she feels you should stay till their deaths.
That doesn't make it logical or even true, but that's likely how she's seeing it. As the others have said, make a real effort to stay in touch with her and offer your support. If your husband has little or no fondness for his parents, visiting or communicating with them is his choice, but I think the sister is the one who shouldn't be abandoned. Just make a real effort to stay in touch with her, ask about HER life and activities, and of course check in on how the parents are doing.
But I'm an only child and already burned out after dealing with 100% of everything for my parents the past 10 years. Nobody wants to be bothered with my mother, as a rule, because of her negativity and complaining nature. So that leaves me to deal with the toxic waste all the time and it takes an emotional toll on me. Maybe your SIL is emotionally exhausted right now too.
You should move away and live life as you see fit, but you should try to empathize with your SIL at the same time, imo. Have a chat with her to see how you can best support her, letting her know you'd like to do that, but you also need to move on now. Perhaps if you were to call the folks regularly, that might help her, I don't know.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward
12 hours a way is far enough away that a true crisis or emergency might be over by the time you get there and she is possibly afraid of making a “wrong” decision?
Follow through with your plans. Make your move. Support your husband, reassure your SIL that you are both there when she needs support.