My brother removed our father from a nursing home and has been taking care of him for 7 months. He ask me to take our father for a couple days while he moves into a new place. After moving in, he refuses to take our father back saying it's now my turn to take care of our father. I am unable to take care of him other than him spending the night. Is their anything I can do?
However, your family is dysfunctional, just like mine. That said, nothing will change without everyone on board and everyone acknowledging that there is a need to change. That is probably not happening. So the next step, in my opinion, is to keep a distant relationship with your dad. Make sure he is cared for to the best of your ability but make sure you do not take him into your home. As for your brother, boundaries are much needed here. You have given your best and he has taken it all. Time to teach him the proper way to treat his sister. You have to understand that he knows what he has learned. It is essentially up to you to take this abuse or not. I vote not.
I have been reading a wonderful book about dysfunctional families. My family is dysfunctional and now I understand why we are always yelling at each other instead of listening and understanding each other's point of view. More than likely your brother will never come to grips with the fact that his behavior is dysfunctional. In that case you have to do what I have done. Big, solid, strong, boundaries. It is the only way to survive when there is major dysfunction in a family.
And PStern, please, this woman has her plate full, who are you to judge her?
As for now, my father is in the nursing home getting the proper health care treatments that he needs.
As for my relationship with my brother, while I had never fully trusted him, I had always provided him opportunities. He claims I am selfish, though over the years I have given him thousands of dollars to help with his bills, rent, to buy a car, I have bailed him out of jail, and I gave him help whenever it was within my ability to do so. I have taken him to multiple sporting events on my own dime. Paid his way into every poker tournament we've ever played in together. He has stolen my identity (though he claims it was his ex wife that stole it) and I paid the bills he ran up in my name instead of turning him into the police. All this and I never asked for any of the money back nor have I ever asked him for help with anything as I don't seem to find myself in any of the troubles he always finds himself in. Actually I did ask for the bail money back, but I never seen a dime of it.
However, this trickery from him has put me a week behind in my schoolwork and may have been the final straw for me. So as for now I will take advantage of his disowning me and move on. If it leads to us not talking in 9 years or so, then I'll evaluate and deal with that at that time and see how I feel. As for now, I feel relieved.
I did the same when my disabled brother needed help when he was being foreclosed upon and despite his disability the Sheriffs police wanted to put him out in an overnight shelter for drug abusers, he went to the ER, and was placed in a nursing facility and afterwards was able to make his way to a newly opened assisted living facility for disabled adults.
It sounds scary to use the ER this way but it does work.
Best wishes to you.
Sounds like you've got it all under control, well done. Good luck for Monday, and with your studies.
The argument my brother and I had was of course about our father. He finished moving and I tried to return our father to him, he refused. It escalated because I couldn’t keep our father because I had to go to school. I’ve missed most of the first week of my final semester of school and am falling behind because of this trick he pulled. I live in a two room apartment and going to school full time on the G.I. Bill. If my landlord finds out I have someone else living here, I’m going to get kicked out.
My brother’s side of the argument, as presented to me, is that he has a family and a job to worry about, bills and food to buy, and that he’s taken care of our father long enough and that now it’s my turn. He says since I’m a student and I have the government paying for everything that I am able to take care of him.
I don’t see my brother folding, once he makes a decision he sticks with it. He and our mother got into an argument and they haven’t talked to each other for 9 years now. He disowned me this week because he said I am giving him too much stress that he doesn’t need, then he broke off communication with me. He’s vengeful and spiteful and I’ve always had to walk on eggshells around him to prevent his disowning of me, but this trick caused me to ignore the eggshell walking.
Yes, my brother and I are complete opposites, apples and oranges, night and day, and now chalk and cheese, which means I’ve heard them all.
Don't admit you are family - it sounds like your bio dad tore up his daddy card many years ago. I would leave him with the medical professionals. They have access to online medical records once they figure out his ssn. He is NOT your problem.
Have a good look at him. Does he look physically well? Is he able to eat and drink? If you're not sure, or not happy, you could always get him down to the nearest ER, explain the situation, and ask them to give him a once-over to rule out immediate problems.
My money is on your brother folding pretty quickly. I don't mean to sound unkind, I can see why you feel as you do, but your brother cares about your father and you understandably don't, much - if your brother doesn't like the idea of his free-spirited dad being in a nursing home, he's not going to want to leave him to your tender mercies for long either. Institute a suitable, healthy routine. If that doesn't work fast, make your own arrangements with the NH and proceed.
Shameless curiosity, nothing to do with the matter in hand (or not necessarily), but what was the argument about?
I contacted his old nursing home on Friday and they said they are waiting for the doctor to provide them my father's health care needs before they can admit him. This was before the argument between my brother and I. I don't know who his doctor is and when I picked up our father I asked my brother about his medicine since I would have him for a couple days, and my brother said there was nothing to worry about since I'll only have him for a few days.
At the start, I offered my brother the advice of leaving our father in the nursing home where we know he'll be taken care of. He refused to do so because he said he didn't want to be left in a nursing home when he got older. I may be a jerk for not helping from the start, but my brother knew that before he turned down my advice.
Maybe your brother honestly thought he could care for Dad and would be better than the nursing home. When he found out that wasn't the case, his behavior was not honorable.
Poor Dad. Do your best to assure him that you love him and want the best for him and you are sorry that it can't be at your house. I hope you can find suitable placement for him quickly.
Re: your father's care, contact your local Adult Protective Services agency. Could he possibly go back to the nursing home he was in before? What does your father want?
Also, you need to find out what the legal situation is. Does your brother have PoA? If your father is competent, he can have it revoked and appoint someone else. If not, your brother's stunt pretty much guarantees the state will revoke it, but you will have to find out the process for this.
Find out about your father's finances too. Make sure your brother isn't dipping into your father's money.