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My great-grandma recently moved and asked me to go with her. I thought it would fun, so I agreed. Now that I am here, I am almost positive that she has dementia. It's like living with someone that is drunk 24/7. She forgets everything, so she constantly repeats herself and makes me repeat myself. She really does not know how to do the simplest things. I have showed her 8 times how to use the microwave and it's the kind that you just have to push one button, not the kind that you have to type in the time. Okay so it's hard, but if I really had to, I could put up with that stuff. But here's where it gets tough. She is extremely mean to me. The first incident was when I was watching TV in the living room. She came up to me, took the remote, turned the TV off, and told me to go to my room. Several other things has happened. I've only been here 1 week, but yesterday, she really hurt me. The dog was sitting in my lap and she told the dog "Get down, she doesn't love you." And then a few minutes later when they were sitting outside, the dog wanted to come inside, where I was, and she told the dog "Don't go in there with her. She doesn't love us." I told my meme (her daughter which lives right down the street) and my mom and at first, they were nice and trying to help me and told my grandma to stop being a jerk. But now, they said I am not allowed to leave. I'm 17, that makes me want to leave even more! They are forcing me to stay here and be miserable just because no one else wants to take care of her. She has money. Why can't they hire a professional? I cry myself to sleep and no one seems to care.

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Are you locked in, chained to the bed? Your mother and grandmother have tricked you into being their servant, there is no way they live so close and didn't know what was going on. They are controlling you with fear, obligation and guilt.... fear of reprisals from the family (and perhaps even the authorities?), tapping into your sense of familial obligation and the guilt of abandoning your g.gma and "promise" to help. At 17 you should be in school, having fun with friends your own age, dating, and taking steps to establish yourself as an independent woman. Make a plan to get yourself free, give sufficient notice and then go. If they love you they will respect your choice, if they only want to use you they will not, but either way you will have learned a valuable lesson and you will be free.
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It's not right. But can you tell us a little more - like, are you still in school? Do you have anywhere else safe where you could live - is your father an option? Could you return to the area you moved from? How long until you turn 18? Besides your mom and grandmother, do you know anyone else in the area whom you can trust?

A little more detail will help to give you more specific advice. But again - this isn't your responsibility- especially at your age.
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I agree that it's not your responsibility. But sometimes caregiving is thrust upon minors simply because they have no choice. They can't support themselves, have nowhere else to go, and could even be arrested as a runaway and treated as a juvenile delinquent if they try to leave. No, it's really not right. But if you're a minor, you won't have much choice until you reach the age of adulthood in your state, whatever that is.

The rest of the family is probably thinking that g-grandma doesn't have too long to live and you will soon be able to go back to having your own life. It's a good solution for everyone else, for sure. The problem is, there's no way of knowing how long an elderly person can live and in the meantime, your life has become intolerable.

Unfortunately, if you are counting on family help (for example, to support you while you get through college) you may be putting that in jeopardy by claiming your independence, at any age. So you need to think about that, and think about what other resources you may have available to you. Is there another family member you could live with (an older sibling, perhaps?). Are you capable of being self-supporting?

Good luck and let us know how you are doing, please.
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Where were you living before you moved with your g-gm?

I assume you are getting room and board. Where are you getting money for things like haircuts and magazines and clothing? Are you being paid for caregiving?

Have your completed high school? More about you will help us help you.
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Hi guys. When I decided to go live with her, I bought new stuff for my room so that I could go back to my old house whenever. I have pets there. I told my family that I would be going back to my old house like two days a week. So I do have somewhere to go, but I have no way to get there. I love my mother and we have a great relationship but she wants me to stay here. Yes I graduated early. I have no car. I have no money. No, I don't get paid to take care of her. They're in denial that she needs someone to take care of her. They told me I was just going to live with her because she didn't want to be alone. Did I address everything? Sorry for the late reply, I've been busy taking care of her and her dog.
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You have no way to get back to your old place? You have no friends with cars? How did you expect to be going back 2 days a week?

I'm having a little trouble grasping this situation.
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If you were smart enough to graduate early, why are you not in some kind of school now, like community college or trade school?

You can call adult protective services and ask what to do with her so that you can get a break. Be sure to tell them that you are 17 and that your mom is forcing you to stay there so she does not have to pay anyone. Feel free to tell them how you feel unsafe when grandma does her weirdness. They are the key to the door.
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Yes! Adult protective services! No way should you be responsible for g-ma. I still don't understand how you are being forced to do this, though.
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No, I only have two friends and they don't have cars. My mom is picking me up tomorrow to visit and I'm supposed to be coming back Sunday. But I guess she can't force me into the car, right? I'm not in college because I want to be a photographer so it's not necessary to go to college for that. My meme finally told me last night that she did research on dementia so now she definitely thinks thats what she has. So I guess it's a good thing that she realizes that now but now she's begging me not to leave. They keep telling me that I just have to give it a chance. They don't realize that she is not going to get better. So if I stay here, I will be here until the rest of her life. I guess when I go home tomorrow, I will be making the last little bit of my family left hate me. I just hate being put into this situation. I'm the youngest in the family and I get everything thrown on me.
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Have ur Mom have Gma evaluated. It could be something else besides Dementia. If they find it is, explain that it's more than u can handle. Maybe a compromise. They find someone to care for her during the day,and u will spend the night. But you should not be her caretaker 24/7 with no pay. This is slavery.
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I am fine with you wanting to be a photographer, but until you have an internship with someone when you are out in the field, you need to be taking classes in composition, marketing, and business so you can be prepared to take on those subjects for your real world job. It sounds like your mother encouraged that dream so she would have you to work for her! And for NO PAY!

I agree that you do not need a degree to take photos - it's art, an expression. Fine. But you need an Associate's at least to get a decent job to support your art. Very few photographers make it big, and fewer make it big who have not taken classes on marketing themselves. Your mother is taking advantage of you not "being in school" and her having to pay something - she's using you to not have to pay something for grandma. Taking in person classes is expensive, but it is a way to set firm boundaries with your mom.
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This is very, VERY, disturbing if true. First: When do you turn 18? Second: Don't waste a single second - work on getting out of your situation. You have only two friends? Can you talk to their parents discreetly over the phone and tell them what's going on, ask them for advice or even ask them to be there with you should you call Adult Protection Services? Your family is wanting you to stay with a possibly dementia relative when you have no training in how to handle this person if/when the disease progresses? Do you understand what dementia does to the mind? If you're willing to take the time to come to this forum, the you should spend time reading up on this disease and after you read its complications, then think about if are really wanting to stay with this relative. You come across as nonchalant...okay, this is my life until so and so dies...and the such. You are on the verge of young adulthood. Your priorities are to get your life going. You should be angry that you're in this situation.
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I can't believe you're being put in this situation- no you're not being a baby, you're being brave and doing what your family is asking of you, but it sure is NOT right. I'm 30 and just started care-giving for my husband's grandma and I though *I* was too young to get into it. 17 is absolutely unreasonable to be forced into such a situation. I'm glad I wasn't forced and I made my own decision to be a caregiver. I'm sure it's very scary when you great Gram lashes out, so just try to be careful and protect yourself. Good that you're reaching out here, but you need to let people you're close with know about this, not necessarily your family because they're the ones who put you there. Be strong, you'll be alright!!
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Hello again. I told my mom straight up "I am coming home and I am staying home and y'all are not going to make me feel bad about it. Y'all can respect my decision or not but you can not force me to be here." She apologized for making me go through this and said I can come home. I told my meme the same and she has not replied yet, she is probably sleeping (I texted her because I'm too much of a big baby to say it in person). She is going to beg me to stay and she is going to be very mad at me, but I need to stay strong. I told her I will visit my great grandma all of the time and I will help her as much as I can. I just want to say thank you guys so much! If it wasn't for you all, I would have never had the guts to stand up for myself. Thank you, thank you, thank you. My great grandmother is going to the doctors on May 4th. I understand there is not much you can do about dementia, but I will make sure she gets all the help she needs.
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That is great justagirl! Stay strong and stick by your guns.
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I am so proud of you, justagirl23!
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Do you people realize you are questioning a 17-year old? She sounds like a good girl who was doing what she was told to do out of obligation. Yet, you are all making it about why she isn't in school or have friends to come pick her up. I have read plenty of emails from adults who are feeling the same way, bullied into taking care of someone they cannot necessarily take care of, just because it eases the responsibility on the rest of the family and they are afraid to stick up for themselves as well. I am glad you had the guts to speak up. Stay strong! I don't think I would have been able to do that at 17.
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justagirl and all - what an interesting family dynamic! Hey, loved ones use most of us to some extent, right? I'm so glad you and your mom got on the same page, and if meme joins, okay, but mom is all you need right now. I agree with MAC about the side-item, best if you work on an associates or some other conventional training for a job so you can take care of yourself while you develop your artsy side. It'd be great to get some work and save for a car. You are just saying that you are happy to be be involved, but a professional caregiver needs to be involved too - you have great instincts! Let meme work through her own denial about her gramdma's state, it's not yours to fix. The dog there may need extra help too. :)
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Good for you, justagirl! And I encourage you to become a photographer. My son is a photographer. What he did was go to art school and learn his craft, so do look into schools. He now has a great job with a major news network. Photos chronicle our lives, history, culture, and events. If you have a calling for photography, you're needed! And the best way you can take care of your family is to take care of yourself first. You've taken the first step by speaking up. Your great-grandmother will get the care she needs once family starts exploring other resources. You deserve a chance to build your future.
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Of course we realize she is just 17 and on the cusp of adulthood, that is why we are so adamant that she extricate herself from this mess! And as I look back at my own 17 year old self I know that I was in many ways much braver and more resilient than than I am now, the chick is hard wired to fly from the nest!
Justagirl, I'm so glad we gave you the courage to stand up for yourself, and that your mother was acting out of ignorance of the true situation and not self preservation and malice. Your bravery has tipped the apple cart and started the process of finding g gma the help she needs. Kudos!
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This is an unsafe situation for everyone involved, you the dog and you great grandma. If she has dementia she will behave in ways that are difficult for anyone. You are not trained and she will need more skilled care. Call Protective Services and explain the situation. They will send a social worker who can help your entire family figure out how to help her. Your family needs to get together and discuss a plan that is agreeable to everyone. You need to get your license and get on with your life. This is not going to work. Everyone needs to get out of denial and help your great grandmother with more skilled and planned out care before it gets bad.
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I am glad you stayed long enough to observe what they could not. You are really a reluctant hero to your GG... she needed a witness. I am sorry you had to cry and feel the terror of being unbelieved. I had a similar thing with my mother. We have an Alzheimers society in my city maybe you can Google one in your area and call and tell them what has happened they will give you ideas and phone numbers of places to get help...write it out give to mom.... look up places online that give workshops to families who suspect dementia. Your mom and meme can go and find out what services are available. What behaviours are meaning.....Yes you are 17. Yes, 18 is also on it's way. You need to educate yourself on what it feels like to have Dementia.... In order to not get offended by her treatment of you and her pet. Please know that GG will not survive well, may not eat unless food is in front of her, gets angry because she cannot think and is frustrated. Gets confused. She may have a Urinary Tract Infection which causes messed up symptoms in the way she behaves too. She will need to have it treated asap. Then you and family can tell the doctor your observations. Video document it and show the doctor what she does at home. When she asks you the same thing over and over.. Do not say "you already asked...or I told you a minute ago"....that would confuse her...hurt her feelings and then she will think that you do not love her...and might not even believe you at all...because she does not remember. She has a brain damage.....be patient. Your mom and meme will need to learn this lesson. It is like having a child...who could hurt herself any monent but unlike a child who learns right from wrong she is as you noted not getting better. Worse of all she thinks she has the authority and wisdom to tell you to go to bed. Hold her hand. Smile a lot. Play her favourite music. She is afraid. Confused. Only understands affection. Kind voice tones. Old music and old photographs are great distractions for her maybe try that when she is grumpy. Put together an album of old stuff and talk to her. Pretend you are introducing yourself to her as a new person. GG no longer exists ...she is a different person now too. Discover who she is now. Meditation and self care (meaning your own health example... exercise daily... future plans, and social life need to be scheduled... organized.. into your day daily). I hope your family gets her diagnosed at a hospital for geriatrics or doctor asap. Record on a note book a date on top of each page and the hours you spend in the house with GG and the times you do chores and the time you go out with friends. Give yourself credit. Meme believes you now. The weird thing is meme and mom would need a 3rd party to bring them out of denial. It is a positive thing you played that role and habe gotten at least meme on board. Try printing any stuff you can on dementia and give it to mom. Write out the things GG has done that mimic your lists on the research papers.
Keep us up-to-date. Peace and deep breaths. Be out in fresh air it helps.
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Grandma needs a doctor who can put her on dementia medicine. It will take several weeks for her to adjust to it. It could tone down her personality. My mom could have strangers sobbing in three minutes flat. Some of them ran from her including our minister which really gives you an idea how awful it was. With medication, she's better. You are a minor. You do not have to take care of grandma. I see we have a new form of slavery out there. I suggest you tell your family to step up and not leave you to do their unpleasant job, plus she needs medical care, or you will step on over to Adult Protective Services. The minute you hit 18, I suggest you get a job, get some roommates and a place to live, and head on over to a college and talk to the admissions department. You could learn amazing photography concepts there. Just some thoughts. You are in my prayers. Let us know how its going.
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I am NOT a social worker or a police officer or a school counselor. But I do know that child abuse is against the law. Get one or more of those people involved with you. Start with your school counselor.
NOW!
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Check your grandma for a UTI as well at the doctor's (elders being mean or extreme confusion may be a sign if it's not her regular MO). It's an urine test.

Glad you're figuring it out and asked for help...stay strong...we're rooting for you and yours!
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Listen, you need to let your mother and other family members know that this is not your responsibility at 17 years of age. No, it is not right. Your mom needs to get involved to find out what is really going on with your granny, meaning all of the necessary tests and then obtain professional assistance based upon the findings. You need to stand up for yourself, and tell them that you will be moving out within one week of advising them of such. Do it now before it gets any worse!
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Grandmas and grandpas don't live forever, as hard as it is, grandma doesn't mean the things she says, people as they age, hurt, get confused and sometimes are simply angry at the fact they're elderly and time is short and they know it, they take it out on others sometimes. Wouldn't you rather know in the end that you did the right thing by your grandma despite all of this? This is how it is for most as they age. We all will be there some day. Help grandma, you should be in school, get a part time job to give you a break from grandma too, and do things with your grandma, take her shopping, help her with her interests, and show interest in what she cares about and does, let her, and encourage her to teach you about her interests, it'll make her happy to know that you care. It won't last forever, and some day you will be glad you did the right thing by grandma. Conversation is a great thing with grandparents, it's amazing how much you learn from our older generation.
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I am in my fifties and have cared for my mother with Alzheimers. I never once thought it was the responsibility of my adult children (29 and 26) to care for their grandmother. Did I ask them for help, yes. Did they stay with grandma from time-to-time to give me a break, yes. But grandma was my responsibility, not theirs.

In my opinion, you are a quick fix to a problem that needs addressing. The adults in your family need to take on this responsiblity. I agree with many others that have posted. Get the ball rolling; if you are in high school start with the school counselor, she can contact social services. If you already graduated, call social services - just say your grandma needs help. Their are services out there to help all of you.
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Scientific photography is another possibility--the more options you keep open, the greater the opportunities.

By the way, what is meant by a "meme"? I looked it up, and everything I've seen points to an imitation that becomes viral; is there another meaning?
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It took courage to break it down to your family good for you!!! What I wouldn't give to be 17 and free again......
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