Does anyone have a family member act two different ways? Have you given up?
My FIL is currently in rehab at a nursing home and is continuting his controlling behavior and limited cooperation but what we thought was just simple concidence before we are learning is minipulative behavior.
When he was at his home, he had visiting nurses, an additional caregiver and others that would help him in addition to my husband. He would always be so sweet to them, give them extra money, etc. When my husband would come to help him, he would yell, scream, throw food across the room, call us within 10 minutes of leaving to come back and the list goes on.
Everytime we have mentioned his behavior to any worker, they have responded, "wow, this is just so out of character for him because he is so sweet. He always talks about how great a job his son has, his granddaughter, etc. I guess he is just really having a bad day."
When he put a gun to his stomach and threated to kill himself, it was in front of my husband and when we told visiting nurses, he was linked up to Hospice (way too soon and they are now no longer on his case). When my husband was 7 minutes late, he cut himself on the stomach with a knife. Again, dismissed by nurses as just felling bad.
After he requested a non-resusicate order be kept at his home, he then insisted to go to the hospital for help. After hearing from the family, they brought in a psycharist and kept him one week to evulate. According to the professionals, he is depressed, paranoid and has a touch of dementia. They also seen a few small strokes on an MRI. He is 86, so they said it was nothing too alarming.
He is now in rehab and does the same pattern of behavior. Calls my husband and yells and demands he come to the nursing home to pull him up in bed or take him to the bathroom.
The last straw was Sunday when he called and hung up, then called again yelling that he needed him to come right then, then hung up and called immediately back to make certain he was on his way. We called the nurses desk to ask what was wrong and they said he just wanted to be pulled up in bed.
One nurse said she didn't even hear him call, that he is just so sweet and only sings the praises of his family.
We feel he fully knows what he is doing to play more of the "victim." He has done things like this for years long before he was elderly. Does anyone else experience this behavior? I feel like it is just a form of evilness.
He is telling my husband that when he gets out that 4 trips a day to his house just wasn't enough and he needs to do more. We are trying to find a way to be done with all of it.
Noahbb, I have wondered about him being bi-polar. His psychariatic exam however didn't reveal that, but it sure makes me think. I also did some basic research online and he meets approx. 16 out of 19 signs of a sociopath (I took in accout what I know of him and what my husband told me growing up with him as a dad).
vw9729, assisted living or a nursing home is what my husband is hoping for the long term outcome. We have an 8 year old and this is hard on her emotionally to see her dad put through this. We looked into an agency staying with him but in our state, the cost per hour is around $16 and for 24/7 care, that amounts to a pretty penny a week. And if he is in his own home, he will call my husband and let the workers sit there (he has done that before).
We just kind of wondered if this kind of hell is that common. My mom took care of my grandparents and they could be difficult at times, but not the conniving kind of planning and they were pretty much the same around everybody. Same with my dad when he got sick. Never had anyone tell me they were shocked by anything and he had stage 4 heart failure and vascular dementia (and had survived cancer twice).
Sometimes my husband said he would think, "is it just me" and I got to thinking that too until we just started noticing time and again one incident after another.
Do you have caller ID on the phone. I would suggest not answering when you cannot go or do not want to go.
My dad would call me from the nursing home, telling me that he couldn't find his pants. I spent the better part of a Friday night one time on the phone with the nurses and the nursing supervisor trying to get my dad to settle down. I think this sort of thing happens a lot but pales in comparison to what you described. I agree with some of the other posts and start looking for a long term care situation for him.
My FIL has called us numerous times to tell us he is "dying" and my husband needs to get there immediately. I commented to my mom the other day, "ever remember the story about the boy who cried wolf?" No one believed him after awhile. I think my mom feels I am too brutally honest and said, "well...he WILL die one day and I guess that will be one less to worry about." But to be honest, if you go for a couple of years and every few weeks you are dying, I don't believe you after awhile especially when we are told there is nothing really urgent. I always feel like I'm in the middle of a "Sandford and Son" skit where he is going to hold his chest and say, "Elizabeth, this is the big one!"
We have asked about Sun Downers and never received a yes on it. Just the mini-strokes, a touch of dementia and the depression and paranoid behavior.
The psycharist also spoke with my husband about sexual fantasies that were discussed and when we asked about them further to see if this is part of his problem, we were quickly dismissed by his RN saying that he has had long-going church members talk about the most sexual things and they don't know what they are doing. The problem with that? He was like this BEFORE he was elderly. He has told my husband he has been with hundreds of women and just last year, he was asking my husband to look up old girlfriends for him.
I spoke with the nurses last week who told me he is not eating much. I asked if there is an issue with swallowing, digestion, upset stomach, etc. and was told no. One nurse said she feels it is a control issue.
I also asked if he is participating in physical therapy and was told yes. I asked then why he says he cannot walk when we visit. He has my husband literally pick him up and put him on a toliet (he is approx. 180 lbs. and 6 ft.). He makes no effort to help and expects to be carried yet is going to physical therapy.
Kimbo and skinona, we have started using caller id religiously.
And missymo, may you be blessed for what you did for your dad. My mom was a caregiver for 15 years to both my grandparents and then ended up doing the same for my dad. It means the world when you have a parent who you want to caregive for. The drama I've described with my FIL is just a small piece of the pie to how he has been. My husband grew up with two parents just a hair better than your mom acts now. He said he is trying to honor his father by helping him, but I too feel the best help is long term care. And I will remember your comment of "You can not put a price on whose willing to sit by your death bed." I have a feeling that will be used in the future.
I keep in touch with staff at my dads facility, he's been in his current place for about 6 months, almost a record. He is in a good place thank goodness. Yes he's playing manipulating games there. He will always play games. When I visit that keeps his mind spinning on how to use me for his entertainment. I will limit my visits because he plays these games weekly if not daily. He will bury me and my husband if I let him and I let him for much too long. Joycews just to let you know. My dad was diagnosed with depression, mini strokes I believe TIA, paranoid, vascular dementia and early stages of Alzheimer's, that is what the paperwork says. When he gets discharged to a nursing home they say, dementia, Alzheimer's, sometimes added is unusual behaviors. What the hospital psychiatrist will not tell you is he may have been diagnosed as a sociopath. They will never give that information to you. DHS gave it to me after my dad left the hospital. When I confronted a staff administration person at the hospital with the info. she was furious and said I was not suppose to have that, they never disclose that to family. She demanded to know where I got the paperwork from. Thank god I got the information. It said Axis-- sociopath, intermittent explosive disorder and a few others. He has been off all his life, I knew that but I am glad I have it in writing. Now I know for sure what I am dealing with. Another hospital told me he was a sociopath and narcissist but they have never gave me his psych records, but the records I have from them does not say that it. They did say unusual behaviors, they don't want to put sociopath in writing, I believe. Many of the staff where he's at blames it on dementia, bad day, etc. Hospitals don't want to give that out for many of reasons one which is placement, another is estrangement. By the way, paranoid is one quality of a sociopath So my dad is having a bad day, its best if staff believes that. I want them to keep him. The truth has been, all his life is about evil, you called it appropriately.
superficial charm, grandiose sense of self, pathological lying, lack of remorse, lack of shame or guilt, shallow emotions,incapacity for love, an unusual need for stimulation, callousness, lack of empathy, poor behavior control, impulsive, irresponsibility lack of realistic life plan, parasitic lifestyle; he's authoritarian, secretive, paranoid, grandiose, his goal of his victim is enslavement, ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim, control over every aspect of the victims life all while looking very normal and handsome. See that your father-inlaw is in a clean safe place. Visit occasionally, rarely, thats best for him, your husband and you and don't buy into his changing his image, he doesn't change, he manipulates.
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