I am so distraught. I want to run far away from this place. My son and his girl friend, and baby live with me in my mother's home. The girl friend is very disrespectful and unemployed. She will not help me with any housework and goes behind me to report any arguments we have to my son while he is at work. This stresses him out and he calls and abuses me to leave girl friend alone. I am trying to care for mother solo and get no help from my older brother. My son will help out once in a while.but resorts to drinking when he is under duress. I feel like I have no one to turn to except God who seems quiet while all this is going on. Usually I have a pretty good grip on life but it is starting to wear me down. Additionally, I take antidepressant and anxiety medicine but does not seem to be helping me much. I suppose I just need to vent because this website and caregivers are so compassionate and understand what the reality is behind caregiving and dysfunctional families. Thank you for listening and God Bless you as you face your own challenges.
Good luck with this problem that resembles so many others in the community. Please keep coming back to check answers and received support. As mentioned above, no one can fix your problems, but we can sympathize and give our opinions.
Take care,
Carol
There is a story that goes like this:
A man was on a boat and it started to sink. He prayed and prayed for God to save him. Another man who had a better boat come by and offered to help. He told this new guy, "No. I will be all right. I am praying to God and he will help me." Then a helicopter came by and even though they were on their way to a more "serious emergency", they hovered over the man and offered to help. The man replied, "No, that is ok. I am praying as hard as I can and God will help." A few minutes later his boat sank to the ocean floor and the man's spirit rose to heaven. When he approached God, he questioned him, "God, I was praying as hard as I could, but you chose not to save me, why?"
God replied, "I sent another boat and a helicopter, what more did you want me to do?!"
The reason I tell you this story is I believe this site is sent to you by GOD. You are among friends here. You are among people who "get it". People who day in and day out sacrifice, love deeply, help unconditionally, and wear themselves down for OTHERS. In my opinion, we need to start looking out for NUMBER ONE.....ourselves. The list of priorities it seems to be for you.... GOD is first, YOU are second, and YOUR MOM is third.
Remember the rule on the plane when you are with a small infant. The captain lets you know....."Put your OWN airmask on FIRST and THEN assist your infant." The thought of this is so obvious for other times in life. YOU need the mask FIRST, then your mom, and then............maybe the young child who seems to be getting a rough start to life by having this slefish, lazy mom and a Dad who turns to alcohol under stress. Oh joy.
STOP putting your daughter in law first, your son second, maybe your grandchild third, your mom fourth and YOURSELF fifth!!!!
Photcopy all these posts that are writing DIRECTLY to YOU. Make the words HUGE. Put them up on your dresser mirror. on your bathroom mirrow. on your visor in your car.
GET MOVING TO CHANGE YOUR SITUATION!!! In one year.... it will be SO COOL to have YOU writing to others on this site about their situation and you are able to give advice to THEM on how you did it! How you changed YOUR LIFE from decades of taking care of others and how you decided to put GOD first, Yourself second and your mom third! Wonderful things are bound to happen!!!!
Peace and good thoughts to you and your mom!
That being said, it's still your responsibility and apparently the son and GF aren't going to participate. The next issue is what do you do about that?
This post raises the same questions as in the first post, i.e., that of family members sponging off you, not pulling their own weight and treating you with various levels of disrespect. The 2 answers thus far from Eyerishlass and JesseBelle also address the dysfunctional arrangement as well as your participation in it.
While I don't intend to be cruel, I think the real questions are what are you going to do to change the situation, as only you can change your role and your attitude toward the spongers in the family. You really need to put your foot down and evict these two irresponsible adult kids. Your DPOA should have terms that allow you to do that. If you have to, contact the local police and ask them for help in evicting the spongers.
This site is good for venting, but you do have to take control of your own situation because it won't change otherwise.
This is your mother's house - what is her position on all this? The fracas can't be helpful to her. As her primary caregiver, you have to think of what's the best for her and it's not the current situation.
Good luck, and I hope you find the courage to address all of your concerns, today, now, and find some peace in your life. Again, I don't intend to sound cruel, but it disturbs me to see someone in an abusive situation. This needs to change for the benefit of both you and your mother or you're going to need your own caregiver.
If your son and the live-in GF won't help, then tell them to find a place of their own. If they're old enough to produce a child, they're old enough to take responsiblity for their own lives.
Don't be a doormat for an irresponsible son and his GF.
Current living situation seems toxic.
There are too many competing dysfunctions in this house. Why can't Baby Mama get a job so they can move out?
Keep your head down and focus on your task at hand: caring for your mom. Live and let live when it comes to son and Baby Mama. Try lowering your expectations regarding the Baby Mama. You know that she has no desire to clean the house so don't expect her to. Should she be helping out especially since she is unemployed? Of course. But we can't always count on people to do the right thing and expecting them to can lead to frustration and resentment on our part.
This is enough to wear anyone down. What changes are you willing to make?
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