What should I do about family members who took things from my Mom's condo?

What a shame that your family saw an opportunity and used it to loot your mom's house. Of course you and your mom are hurt, I would be too.

However they gained access to your mom's place, make sure they can't gain access again. Have the locks changed, whatever you need to do.

As far as getting your mom's stuff back I doubt that you will. You can call the police (their main #, not 911) and file a report but that won't bring your mom's stuff back and the police won't really do anything. Your extended family will say something like your mom misplaced it because of her dementia and it will turn into a he said/she said thing that will go nowhere.

I have some things that were handed down to me from grandparents and great-grandparents and I know if that stuff ever went missing I'd be sick about it. I know it's difficult to accept but I think that stuff is gone. It was very wrong for them to take your mom's things, no doubt about that. But realistically speaking, what can you do? You can't steal it back. They'll never admit to taking it. I would just accept it as a lesson learned. These particular family members are not trustworthy and it's good that you know that now.

Eyerishlass has said it best.

The other thing you can do is leave your number with someone who lives next to your mother's condo and have them notify you of anybody going in and out of the condo. Deff change the locks and border any other ways of ganing access to the house. Sadly there is real no way of getting any of those items back, at most you can ask them to return the items to your mother and say that they can have them when she has passed. They should be disgusted with what they have done, but sadly, people like that never are. Also when you change the locks, keep the only set of keys, or make a written agreement that the agent you are working with to sell mom's condo that they can have a set of the keys but these certain relatives can not have access to the condo.

I hope all works out for you.

Ask for the specific things you want back, provide 30 days before you take action.
Threaten to sue. Even if they claim mom gave them the items , it can still be considered abuse since she has dementia. Change the locks and write them off.

I may sound harsh, but that is the kiss-off I would provide to some who stole from me or my loved one. I would not want them in my life, they are already not active in mom's.

As the patient declines, family members come for their memento's. Let it go, you are too far away to do anything, and it happens in every family, all families.
If you argue with them, they will not help you clean it out. Sell the condo and be done with it. In mom's case, we were going to have an estate sale. I couldn't face strangers picking over her stuff. So I called the cousins, and they cleared the place out in two weekends. At least things stayed in the family and I will see them again.

My siblings took things from my Dad's house when he was in the nursing home. I asked them if they had seen a few of the items and they said those things were taken a long time ago by a cousin. (they lied)
If they are small items, I would say let it go. I was tempted to change the locks, but that would have caused more drama. After all, "they weren't doing anything".
If they are taking large items, I would definitely change the locks. If you are power of attorney, you are in charge of protecting your parents assets.

Consider what your goal is. If possession of a particular item of furniture or valuable painting is your goal, then that's one thing. You will live on after the funeral of your mother, do you want to share your future with your family?
Some people say that desire is the root of unhappiness. You have managed so far without these things that the others are taking.
The goal is for you to live happily with your family members, visiting back and forth and having the children visit. Talk for sure, but try not to want these things.

Easy for me to say "It's just stuff" If it's things that are to remain in the family consider it done. You could try a trade off for another object saying you knew she wanted so and so to have this or I'd really like to have this back would you consider this instead. If they were objects from your Dads side explain that they were not to be give away. Again it's stuff and I can't think of a single thing that would be worth loosing family over. I'm not saying you can't be upset, disappointed and even pissed but it is what it is. Here's the tough part photograph the home get what you want out either call an agency Goodwill, Salvation Army, an Estate dispersal business and a Realtor. If your not planning on moving to the area it's cheeper to get a hotel room and I'd never rent a piece of property I couldn't be close enough to oversee. You never think that it is going to come to this but it does. I'm one of three (The middle one) Mom was a list maker which drove me crazy but paid off in the long run she had in writing who got what, done deal we all respected those crazy list and what we didn't want traded among ourselves. Your mother may have indeed given things in those rare moments of clarity. Ask yourself do I really want it or is it the fact that these things were taken with out my knowledge? If the answer is I really want it back write the family member a letter asking for the return if that doesn't work you've just witnessed that person's character and the item is gone. If you get it back tell them you will see that they get it when you no longer want it. Don't let this define you. You did an awesome job finding your Mother a place to live and a quality of life now do yourself the same favor, clean house (pun intended) and move on.

My friend never had children but she has a niece in another state who is her heir. This niece recently arrived with a truck and took many things home with her. My friend was sick in bed at the time and so just let her do it. The doctor has recommended she sell her house and move to AL because she is unable to do many things for herself. This niece has convinced her that she should stay in the house as long as she can still dress and wash herself. (I think she just doesn't want the house to be sold.) I have to stand by and watch this happen.

First off, remember that it is entirely possible that someone with dementia, like your mom, really could have given those items away, and no longer remembers it. Or possibly did not understand that "giving them away" is what was being discussed when the items were "gifted". If this is the case you really don't want this to come between you and these family members.

Since you've already broached the subject of "items being missing", and they are taking affront at being accused of "stealing", you may want to try just NICELY asking for the items back. For the ones who claim that the items were given, just say: "I'm so sorry. Apparently Mother's memory is not so good, and she is regretting giving those items away. She would really like them back .It seems to be very important to her." If the items were honestly given, they may return them, because what honest person wants a momento to forever remind them that they took an old lady cherished possessions. If they really did just steal them, ...well they are gone, and you will then know better how to view the actions of these family members.

As for the other person, who supposedly took items long ago, you could talk to that person too. Tell them about your "mother's distress" about her missing belongings. Tell them what the other cousins said, indicating this person has them. Say you only want to find out what really happened. Maybe they did receive (or take) those items. Maybe not. You could just mention "poor Mom's dementia" as a reason for not knowing what is true and what isn't, and as the reason you need to know. (Blame the inquiry on trying to determine if your Mom mind is deteriorating.) Listen to the story you get for an answer. You may be able to tell if anyone here is dealing honestly with you. You will likely NOT get the items back, but it'll give you food for thought, in deciding just how to view all of them in the future.

If you're sure who took what, their untimely *gifts* could be subtracted from what they normally would have received from your mother's will, assuming she has one and assuming there's anything left after expenses for her care.

Or do whatever will give you peace. Life is too short to cause ourselves grief over *things* especially when the loss does not impoverish anyone.

Thank-you for all of your responses. It's not the things, its how they went about it.
What bothers me is that I am the child of my parents and my cousins swoop in and take what they want and leave me and my children the leftovers of what they didn't want. It also bothers me that they just did it without saying anything.

My mother told me that they kept asking her for things and she could have said yes but she truly didn't understand because she was very upset when she found out they were missing. She said I wanted to give those things to my family. I truly would have shared with them. I just feel as the daughter I should have been able
to choose what I would have like to have first.

The most upsetting thing is that they very rarely go to see my mother. Even thought they live 20 minutes away, the last time she saw any of them was 7 months ago.

The condo sold. The real estate agent referred me to a wonderful man who moved my mother's bedroom furniture to the alf. My mother's cleaning lady helped me also. I gave her many of my mother's things as she had always been so wonderful to my mother. The rest of my mother's things were donated to charity.
The family never did offer to help.

I guess I'm cold-hearted, but I don't understand this love of "family" when they act like vultures. If I had been gifted something by someone with known dementia, the FIRST thing I'd do would be to check with the daughter to make sure the gift was OK. If I didn't know the gift giver had dementia and later found out that was the case and my gift was now wanted back, I'd give it back IMMEDIATELY. Any other behavior to me is just pure and simple conniving theft. I wouldn't want anything to do with those people, family or not. You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends. I'd go with finding friends in this case and forgetting this "family".

Sorry for theses peoples disrespect to your mom . There are vultures everywhere,. I would change the locks and let the police know what has happened. It is just sad to think that your family would steal. VULTURES

You are certainly in a difficult spot. The last thing you want to deal with is difficult relatives when you are having to make decisions for your mom and her care.

Your mother may have indeed "gifted" certain items to other members of the family and have no recollection of it. Each time she mentions an item that is missing, it is the first time she realizes it is gone. My mother did not even have dementia, but because of declining health and heavy medications, she did not remember she promised her sewing machine to 4 different people. Her sister, my sister, my daughter and myself. Since my sister and I were cleaning the house out, we made the final decision on items that were not in the will. The sewing machine went to my daughter who does crafts for my granddaughter. My aunt wanted it, but we knew she already had a sewing machine, and neither my sister nor I needed it. My aunt mentioned it several times, and we reminded her each time that mom promised it to each of us and we thought she would be pleased that her granddaugher now had it and uses it. We gave her many other things that we knew she would like to have. (both my mother and aunt grew up in the depression era and could not part with anything and wanted anything they could get their hands on). We also knew my aunt did not have much space in her senior housing to keep things she could not use.

In your situation, it may be best to let the things go and do what you can with the things that are left in the condo. However, if any of the items were of considerable value, it might be to everyone's benefit if they were returned. I say this in case the need of Medicaid assistance should arise. They will do a look back and if items were "gifted", then they could be used as a penalty to your mom and the person who has them might have to pay back the value to the state. It might also be something you can use to suggest to the relatives there may be a problem with them keeping the item for the time being.

I also agree, that there should be no allowance for entry into your mother's condo by anyone else. The locks should be changed immediately.

It is sad to see that so many people have to deal with family fortune hunters that feel they have a right to someone else's things. I hope you can work things out with your family, especially since you said they are all the family you have. I wish you well.

I agree with the other posters, you will not get them back. Also agree, change the locks, pronto!!!

Here is my personal experience so you will understand I do not say 'it's just stuff' lightly. 22 years ago this month my beloved grandmother died. It was sudden in the sense that she was still in her own home, drove and socialized daily, cared for her garden, and I saw her often. My father is an only child and as an aside, his father was a loving alcoholic father and husband. He died when I was 10 and as the oldest of five kids and living right around the corner from them I spent a huge amount of time with them. Looking back it is obvious the abuse that my mother handed down and took out on me. She has told me over the years that she never bonded with me as a baby, etc. When my grandmother died, although I was truly like the daughter she never had, my dad told me never to grieve in front of my mother about my grandmother because it made her upset. So the one person who was my role model, protector, like a mother to me was dead, suddenly, and I was not supposed to show grief. Shortly after her death, my father called me to meet him. He told me that my grandmother's very pricey (with a nearly flawless 2 carat center stone - diamond) wedding ring, given to her on their 25th anniversary by my grandfather was something she wanted me to have. She did not put it in her will and there were no witnesses to this conversation. There were five grandchildren (I am the oldest) so rather than write this down she told my dad, her executor. She KNEW my mother would have a fit and I think figured she would be 'out of the mess' and his conscience would be his guide. The WRONG thing to do but there it is. My parents are wealthy and there are a lot of nice pieces of jewelry in our family. But this was what she told him I was to have. After he unloaded his conscience on me he proceeded to tell me that he was going to give it to my mother and when SHE passed, I would get it. He added 'there is enough good jewelry for everybody to go around'. I didn't know what to say, I was stunned. I told both my sisters and both at the time insisted that if my grandmother wanted me to have this, so be it. I loved them so much for wanting to unselfishly do the right thing. Well, that was 22 years ago. As they say, a lot of water under the bridge. My mother has separately told both sisters that she wants anyone to have that ring except for me. She has told them both she wants each of them to have it! (How would that work?). They have told me all of this over time. Both of them have conveniently forgotten what I told them about what my father said and he plays dumb as he always has. There is such moral ambiguity in my family that I can't have anything to do with any of them. My mother has tried to manipulate me all my life with 'I will write you out of the will' and I have never taken the bait. I don't care. The one thing I did care about was the ring, because it belonged to my beloved true 'mother' and she wanted me to have it. Also, when she passed away, my father locked up her house, went through everything, piled up what was going to Goodwill in the basement, mostly clothing and household stuff and called me and said 'if you want anything you better get over there today because it's all going to Goodwill tomorrow'. I didn't go. I missed her so much and the shock of her death made it impossible for me to breathe in her house. It was the house that was my 'heart home' all my life. I was 35 then. At the time I was really angry that my father told me about it. I thought if he wanted to violate what she told him she wanted then he should have kept it to himself and done what he was going to do. But he was her only son and heir and it was her fault she didn't write it down. When you have recently lost or are losing someone dear to you, their things matter so much. I have learned over the past 22 years to let it all go. It really is 'just stuff'. Even a $60,000 diamond ring. You cannot take it with you and it can destroy relationships if you hang on to the pain of someone 'cheating' you. Would I like to have it? Sure. But I never will. My mother with all her jealousy and hate will die clinging to her meanness and her stuff, thinking it matters. It doesn't. What I have in my head will never be taken from me, the memories and the love. That's what you have. Anyone who has done something wrong will have to live with it and at that point treasured items that could remind one person of love does truly become 'just a thing'.

Unless these items were family items or photos, best to let it go. Just make sure that the condo is secured & cannot be entered by anyone other than you.

As mentioned before, could your Mother given these things to them & just not be able to remember doing so. This happens frequently.

Your talking about "STUFF". It's just stuff...Choose where you put your energy.

I remember when my husband gave away all of my ski equipment-I am an avid skier. He also got rid of all of my important nursing notes & documentation on clients that I had. It is spilt milk. Good for cleaning up. I just choose to let it go.
Peace, love & joy I sent thee....I just don't seem to have the time for all the other stuff.
I choose to see my husband as a flower & I as the bee......He teaches me always. I may not like the gifts he offers @ the time but they are all gifts.
Forget & remember, they ALWAYS follow each other.
You are the Blessing, as is your mom.

Want2Know, I copied and pasted Gayle V.'s answer because it was so close to what I was thinking of, as I read other comments. She said, "First off, remember that it is entirely possible that someone with dementia, like your mom, really could have given those items away, and no longer remembers it. Or possibly did not understand that "giving them away" is what was being discussed when the items were "gifted". If this is the case you really don't want this to come between you and these family members.

Since you've already broached the subject of "items being missing", and they are taking affront at being accused of "stealing", you may want to try just NICELY asking for the items back. For the ones who claim that the items were given, just say: "I'm so sorry. Apparently Mother's memory is not so good, and she is regretting giving those items away. She would really like them back .It seems to be very important to her." If the items were honestly given, they may return them, because what honest person wants a momento to forever remind them that they took an old lady cherished possessions. If they really did just steal them, ...well they are gone, and you will then know better how to view the actions of these family members." I think this is a perfect solution, and I was going to advise approaching the Aunt and cousins the same way. I would only add that you could first apologize if your inquiries to them sounded as accusations and made it seem like they were stealing. You could say you were upset, and jumped to hasty conclusions. But you realize your Mom could very well have forgotten she said they could take those items, and to comfort your Mom, would they be kind enough to return those specific items that meant so much to her, and down the road, they could be "re-gifted" back again.
I know how much this must upset your Mom, and you. My Mother is very attached to her things. Certain things mean more than others, and she would be sad to part with them, and really outraged to think they were taken without her agreeing. It would certainly be worth a try to extend the olive branch to your Mom's sister and cousins, since they live close by, and because their "feathers have been ruffled" are not visiting your Mother. If things get back to a peaceful resolution, then perhaps the family unit could be salvaged, because if may mean a lot to your Mom to have her family be closer....visiting and caring about her. That's my two cents worth. I know you have a lot of cents worth on this thread. :)) Best of luck. I really can relate to this subject. It's way more than just "things."

1. Change the lock
2. Write them a nice letter with a tenor that could trigger their sense of guilt.
3. Ask them to return whatever they took and have it mailed to you, collect with no return address.

It is just STUFF. We place our own value on STUFF. I have had to learn how to let go of so very much STUFF since I have been caring for my husband I am the only one he has to care for him & maintain working too, as an R.N. in Mental Health, writing grants for the program that he ended up in , never realizing that this is how it would play out. I'm glad that I did such a good job on the mental health program in my town.
One day I came home & he had given all of my ski equipment away-gone...I am still an avid skier, just have to rent my STUFF now....next it was my clothes & the list goes on.
I do realize that this is how I choose to look at it & live with it. I have learned not to place much on STUFF anymore. I place more on soft touch, the light in his eyes, & remaining ever present. A job in itself. Just more into the spiritual aspects of it all. He is my stairway to Heaven.

It may be possible to at least threaten to prosecute them if you make a list (and tell them those items are to be returned unless they want to go to Court). That might scare them enough to return at least some of the items. Also, if they went in without prior permission, it can be considered burglary. Who cares if they are mad? It is Elder Abuse if someone has dementia and they take advantage of that financially or emotionally. Mom is #1 priority!

Change the locks, if they had a key to her condo nothing you can do. Perhaps shame them, chalk it up to experience.