This past Easter, 10 family members came to town to visit mom. She's 89 and not mobile and I'm her sole caregiver. Upon their arrival all of these people expected me to have cooked a meal for them and even expressed it when they discovered I hadn't. Even the next morning they expected breakfast for all of them. Is it realistic for them to expect this of me? I do have a full time job in addition to taking care of mom, the home and myself.
But no, it is not realistic to expect someone with a full-time job - two, in fact, once we add in your caregiving commitment - to wait on you, and your relatives might have thought of that. Feel no guilt!
Different families have different expectations, as do different ethnic groups and cultures. As families become more mobile, both geographically and economically, expectations that are unspoken lead to hurt feelings. To someone living on a very low income, someone living in their own home appears wealthy, when in fact they are struggling to pay the mortgage. Try to let go of hurt and make sure that the expectations are out in the open next time.
If your relatives really are jerks, just shrug this whole experience off. If they are generally decent people with a big dose of ignorance, you might write them an email saying how lovely it was to see them and how sorry you are that caregiving has made it impossible to offer the kind of hospitality you have in the past or that generally exists in your family.
A chronic illness that requires caregiving changes things drastically. But people who have never seen the situation up close and personal don't know that they have to change their expectations.
With being so deceptive in their approach to this visits makes me think it had nothing to do with the real meaning of Easter at all, but was a just a reason to descend for a surprise visit.
Now they know you can't be Martha bloody Stewart on the spot. Where I'm from, that would be the height of rudeness to presume you are just going to take care of it all by magic. I hope they learned a lesson!
I would probably be in a rage at first, but would eventually calm down enough to act nonchalant about not having a meal prepared. "Oh, I just assumed you'd stop to eat on the way over here!" See, that knife cuts two ways! :-D
Breakfast for 10 people? Not hardly. Who did they think was paying for all of this?
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