This past Easter, 10 family members came to town to visit mom. She's 89 and not mobile and I'm her sole caregiver. Upon their arrival all of these people expected me to have cooked a meal for them and even expressed it when they discovered I hadn't. Even the next morning they expected breakfast for all of them. Is it realistic for them to expect this of me? I do have a full time job in addition to taking care of mom, the home and myself.
Different families have different expectations, as do different ethnic groups and cultures. As families become more mobile, both geographically and economically, expectations that are unspoken lead to hurt feelings. To someone living on a very low income, someone living in their own home appears wealthy, when in fact they are struggling to pay the mortgage. Try to let go of hurt and make sure that the expectations are out in the open next time.
But no, it is not realistic to expect someone with a full-time job - two, in fact, once we add in your caregiving commitment - to wait on you, and your relatives might have thought of that. Feel no guilt!
Breakfast for 10 people? Not hardly. Who did they think was paying for all of this?
With being so deceptive in their approach to this visits makes me think it had nothing to do with the real meaning of Easter at all, but was a just a reason to descend for a surprise visit.
As for my siblings, when they visit from the states, I tell them straight out that I don't cook. When bro once asked me that, I said that I don't know. Mcd has some dollar menus but I don't have money . He got the hint and got us some McD's.
Best to start strategizing if they do this again. Include a way to rope them into taking care of your mother so that you have some errands to do.
If your relatives really are jerks, just shrug this whole experience off. If they are generally decent people with a big dose of ignorance, you might write them an email saying how lovely it was to see them and how sorry you are that caregiving has made it impossible to offer the kind of hospitality you have in the past or that generally exists in your family.
A chronic illness that requires caregiving changes things drastically. But people who have never seen the situation up close and personal don't know that they have to change their expectations.
Now they know you can't be Martha bloody Stewart on the spot. Where I'm from, that would be the height of rudeness to presume you are just going to take care of it all by magic. I hope they learned a lesson!
I would probably be in a rage at first, but would eventually calm down enough to act nonchalant about not having a meal prepared. "Oh, I just assumed you'd stop to eat on the way over here!" See, that knife cuts two ways! :-D
I'm shocked that any guest would be so rude as to ask "What's for dinner?" when the host had not offered dinner or brought up the subject. If you know someone well enough to visit them, they should also be aware of your financial limitations. When I visit someone who isn't well fixed for funds, I always take the host out for meals. Same if they visit me. It shocks me that anyone's local customs make it a "duty" to provide meals to guests. Even if it is, it's incredibly rude and insensitive for a guest to insist that the local custom be followed when the host clearly can't fulfill it without it being a hardship. Some people really have nerve!
The Said visitor didn't get the hint when I ignored her question Twice on what's for dinner. She actually walked into our kitchen, sat down on the kitchen table, Waiting for me to fix her dinner. I was so embarrassed. You see, food is always last in my budget. Bills comes first, then house supplies like pampers, wipes, toiletries, etc.. The visitor saw a bunch of 3-minute Asian cup of noodle soups and said that she can eat one of that. I said quickly, "No! That is my sister's stash. Nobody touches it. That is her food." The vienna sausage belongs to sis. The only food that I bought is the Cup-o-noodles and loaf of bread. So, I offered her my soup. And she ate it, while I ate the other half of my lunch.
Cant imagine trying to accommodate all of those people. Who was going to do the towel laundry? dishes etc after they left??... that would just be so much more stress for you. Plus you work. when do you get down time??? surely they enjoy theirs if they can get away from their homes for the day !!!
Out of courtesy they should have been more considerate and gotten together and figured out a way to bring food, order a catered dinner?. Im sure your food budget wasn't open for all that either. Id write a thank you for coming note but include that any future holidays. they are more than welcome but you cant handle the stress alone of trying to pull it together, its your holiday too. ( or somekind of note that would kill them with kindness and guilt.. LOL !!!
I don't have family so it was just me and Mom and my daughter .. I would have invited the ones who do exist.MY mom would have loved to see them.. but too many would be too much for her. it seems since she got ill there are only 2 that keep in touch... when they found out that my aunt left my mom her $$ they all stopped coming..(funny how THAT happen??and they only live 1 town over).... but I would have asked them all to please bring something.. its hard enough to just get moms breakfast everyday.. never rmind my own..
I am guessing they did not pitch in with the caregiving either. I would have assigned them tasks to complete to assist in Mom's care. They might well have run for the hills but if they came to complicate care rather than lessen it--they should just go home.
Don't feel you owe them a big holiday meal, they don't get or don't want to get what it takes for caring for your mother while being a full time employee.
If you had a few snacks around, like fruit and such, it's a nice touch, but that's more than they should expect. I think they should have paid for some meals or gone out to bring them in or driven you and Mom to the restaurant. They should definitely be doing any running around it takes to have them there.
Basically, you're stretched to begin with, with the caregiving and the fact that you work. Easter is your holiday, too. Normally, you don't get a break from taking care of Mom. To have it be a holiday and load yet extra work onto you isn't realistic or fair of them. In fact, in addition to taking care of meals, they should pitch-in and help Mom out while they're there (I know that's a dream, but I'm going for broke on this one!).