I have been taking care of my father for the past 6 years, and throughout this time he has let himself go, as he will not try anything to keep healthy. My father has always been verbally abusive, but because I care I had him move in with me. When he moved in and his health went worse, the stress got to me and my epilepsy came back around the same time. I am the only one of us 4 siblings that is not married and have no kids, and can't. My father has ruined some of my relationships because he is lazy and mouthy. It has now come to the point that I am seeing a psychotherapist every 1 to 2 weeks and a psychiatrist once a month.
My epileptologist has threatened to write an order telling me to move out, as they have said stress is my biggest cause, and that my seizures are getting worse and killing me, literally. I have begged for help, even just for them to come up with 100 dollars a month for me to hire a housekeeper 2 hours a week for a break.
I make less than 1/3 of each of their income yet I am the one paying for all of this, and my income is only SSDI. I have no idea what to do now, as I have also had to sell everything of mine to keep up with bills. My siblings always make excuses as to why they never come visit or they can't help. I know my father is mad at them too as he has had me set up a new will, trust, DPOA and so now when he passes, as I am the executor, I have to tell them it explicitly states they are to receive nothing and it all goes to me. I hate seeing my family like this and wish I knew what to do.
But the financial burden is the small part of the problem, I would guess.
Why does your family have to understand that caregiving is killing you? Why is it your job to teach them? Your siblings are going to do whatever they are going to do. Why should that stop you from doing what you have to do?
Please take charge and do what you have to do. Do not abandon your father, however difficult he is, but transfer burden of daily care to professionals. Find a suitable long term care facility for him, and visit him often. Have breakfast with him on Wednesdays, and lunch on Mondays, and take him out to a movie or for a walk in his wheelchair on Fridays ... send him funny, cheery greeting cards. Continue to show your love. But not in your house, not 24/7, and not with your own money.
Sure you hate seeing your family like that -- who wouldn't? But their behavior is not your problem. If you don't know what to do, listen to your doctor and reduce the tremendous stress load you are under, before it kills you.
You are a fine daughter, and a worthy, unique individual. You deserve good care. Please take care of yourself!
Your sibs understand. They just think you're getting what's coming to you for hogging their "entitlements." Besides, you're single and w/o children. If you weren't caring for your dad, how else are you going to quell those instinctual, caregiving desires most people assume women have? In a nutshell, you're perfect for the job; even if it kills you.
Have a talk with your father. Tell him you're sacrificing your worldly possessions and yourself to care for him, and that it's time he pulls his own weight or make other arrangements. He can take it out of what you're supposed to be "inheriting": more verbal abuse, relationships gone down the drain, friction with your sibs. He's a real peach. Nothing's changed except his age.
I'd present him with 2 choices: shape up or ship out. People like him have a nasty habit of surviving their children, and you almost have one foot in the grave.
Now a better question might be, "Why do you put yourself in these positions where you are always giving and others are always taking?' You need to look inside yourself and ask why the need to be loved is worth more than your own health and potential happiness. I don't think you feel loved by those you have sacrificed for and that is the writing on the wall. Please take time to read it and weave into your being.
I give you great credit for trying to start your home business, but it won't help you if your brain is so scrambled from seizures that you can't think straight or if they cause your death.
Sweetheart, stop being the doormat for everyone else. Set some honest boundaries and make you the priority. I hope you understand that I am saying this with love and compassion. Nevertheless, you need to do for yourself what you do for everyone else.
The stress is still not worth it some days; and I also am looking into the very expensive care in an institution. But knowing I am not being taken advantage of financially and physically helps me to hang on, and at the same time giving her excellent care, which makes the situation much more tolerable. You need to be getting something out of this to feel good about caring for your father. I also have a ne're do well sister who did not visit my Mom, send a card, or make a phone call to her in 15 years, while living just down the street. She surfaced after learning my mother was declining, showed up uninvited at my mother's home, and all she talked about was she should get some of the money. My mother to this day does not know "who that woman was." I call it "divine intervention"; and she still asks me who that woman was. And, that is the reason I went to see the attorney; not to find out what I could get. but how to deal with my sister. The saints were lookiing over me when I made that appointment. I urge you to see an Elder Care Attorney in your area, and find out where to start, and what your rights are. At least then, you are taking care of yourself the best way you can, which will make you feel better and all the giving you are doing to your father.
You say your main issue is with your sibs. Indeed. There are many posters here with selfish siblings, who want what they can get, but will not be supportive in any way. I have one like that. You are the "care giver" in the family, and have been there for them. It is natural to expect that they will be there for you, but they are not. Sounds like dad is very self centered, even narcissistic, and your sibs are too. This is unlikely to change, and, as others have said, beating your head against that brick wall is only hurting you. I have found that I have more peace and protection accepting that is how it is. My mother and sister are narcissistic, and will use me to the extent that I allow it. I have had to put some serious boundaries in place, as my health was being affected. It sounds like you need to do more of that too. Living with an abusive person is very stressful and, in your case, could be lethal. I personally believe that no one should put up with abuse, and that anyone who is on the receiving end of abusive behaviour needs to make whatever changes they required for their own protection. Putting up boundaries like you are in terms of doing errands for dad on Saturdays is great. Just keep setting up whatever boundaries you need. If that includes finding other living arrangements for dad, so be it.
My main concern here is for you. What can you do to improve your situation, and decrease the stress which is killing you? Dealing with narcissistic self centered relatives is not easy. It was very kind of you to take dad in, from his point of view, but not kind to yourself at all.
I agree that Dad should be paying for his care - he has money coming in regularly. Your doctor is very concerned for your health, and how it is being affected by your situation.. Please discuss alternatives for your dad's care with your doctor, and possibly a counsellor/social worker, and how, in the meanwhile you can better protect yourself. I understand that you have a generous nature. Please apply that to yourself. I know it is hard when you have a "giving" personality, but I think you recognize that it is not working for you. There is no way I could ever live under the same roof as my mother. Her nastiness, and selfishness get to me far too much. She is well cared for in an ALF, even though she complains a lot, and still expects me to be at her beck and call. Typically, a narcissistic person has no concern for the health of others, and will continue to make demands of them, even though it is obvious to others that the caregiver is not well enough to meet these demands. You deserve better than that! Detaching, and distancing yourself emotionally from your siblings sounds like a necessary move. I know it isn't easy, BTDT, but it does help. Detaching from you dad and his needs, and looking at your own situation, and needs, and putting them first would seem to be a good move to. Again, I know it is not easy, but it is doable. BTDT, too. You can look after you, and dad's needs can be met too by a different arrangement. You say your sibs are your main issue, but if your doctor is saying you could die from the stress of having dad with you, i say that is your main issue.
We all want to be part of a warm caring family, where we can give, and other will give back to us, but not all families are like that. I had to grieve the loss of the family that I wanted, and was desperately trying to make function, and accept that my family is dysfunctional, that I have no control over them, but only over myself and my choices. It is my reality. It sounds like yours too.
Please come back and let us know how you are doing. It sounds like you have so much potential. If you dad ends up in another living arrangement, you still will have lots of opportunities to do things for him, but can limit that, and contact with him to what your health can tolerate.
more (((((((hugs))))) and prayers
Joan
And I absolutely agree that your sibs should return the favors you have shown them in your more prosperous times. Perhaps they are selfish. (Sounds like it.) Perhaps they see the money not for you but for your father and they want no part of that. Maybe you should ask again, being perfectly clear that you are asking for something for yourself. That might not make a difference, but it is worth a shot.
Who get the money from the farm rental?
But I'm confused again. If Dad is not incapacitated at all, and if you can leave him to do errands, why do you need someone to come in to give you a 2-hour break? Can he be left alone, or not?
As for what he expects, well, so what? You are an adult, and it sounds like a very capable, strong, and industrious adult. He expects to know who you talk to on the phone? Tough. "A friend," or "A prospective client for my business," should be enough to keep things friendly. He expects you there every minute? If it is not medically necessary that he have 24/7 care, then that is not a realistic expectation nor one you need to fulfill. You are his adult daughter, not an indentured servant. You have generously opened your home to your father. That doesn't give him the right to take over your life. So, he gets mad. Surely you've survived his anger many times over the years. Let it roll off of your back.
If this is how Dad treats you, the daughter who is generously looking after him, I think I might have a sense of why your siblings do not have a good relationship with him, nor want to spend more than 5 minutes with him at Christmas. Behaviors have consequences and it seems to me Dad may be reaping what he has sown. It is sad, and I know you ache to change that, but I don't think it is within your power.
The question you need to ask is what would happen to your dad and who would step up if something happened to you? (heart attack, stroke, hit by a bus, etc.)
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